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This is the second set of Jewish poems, songs and verses




(P#024) A NIGHT AT THE BALLET - SWAN LAKE

A classic poem by the MESHUGGENEH GRANDPA
(written by Sydney Samuels)

The audience are seated, faces shiny and clean
It’s better than the telly…if you know what I mean

The curtain goes up, and out goes the lights
A meshuggeneh jumps out, his trousers too tight

He jumps to the left and he jumps to the right
The poor fellow’s in tears, ‘cause his trousers are tight

He looks all around, you get such a fright
The meshuggeneh’s looking for swans in the night

From centre stage left a young lady jumps out
And the meshuggeneh’s cayoodle nearly falls out

She jumps in the air and he catches her fine
The audience gasps, they’re having a great time

She pirouettes to the left and then to the right
She waggles her toches to the audience’s delight

The music crescendos, but no swans have we seen
We are beginning to think it’s all just a dream

The dancing gets more frantic, he throws her in the air
But he gets a hernia, and she’s in despair

So you’ve been to the ballet and now you all know
Better in the pictures…and see a good show

(P#025) A TRIP THROUGH HISTORY
by the MESHUGGENEH GRANDPA
(written by Sydney Samuels)

WAY BACK IN EARLY TIMES WHEN THE WORLD WAS SO SUBLIME
MAN DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO SPEND THE TIME OF DAY
HE ATE BERRIES AND SWUNG FROM TREES
DID HIS POOS AMONGST THE LEAVES
THEN SOMEONE   SHOUTED, “PUT YOUR TROUSERS ON”
                     ………………………………….

IN 1869 SOME WEE IDIOT DOWN A MINE
WHENT AND ATE A CAN OF BEANS THE NIGHT BEFORE
   MUCH TO EVERYONES SURPRISE
THE MINE EXPLODED IN THEIR EYES
AND BLEW THE POOR MINERS TO THE SKYS
                          ………………………………...

NAPOLEON BONAPART RODE IN FRONT OF ALL HIS TROOPS
AND HIS TROOPS MARCHED IN COLUMNS ALL BEHIND
WHEN HIS MEN BEGAN TO FALL
IT WAS NOT FROM CANON BALL
IT WAS “NAPOLEON’S SAUSAGE AND BEANS FROM BREAKFAST TIME”
                           ………………………………..

NOW A PIRATE CALLED BLACK PEG
HAD A ROTTEN WOODEN LEG
AND A PARROT SITTING ON HIS SHOULDER TOO
NOW THAT PARROT FLEW AWAY
NEVER SEEN TO THIS VERY DAY
‘CAUSE IT REFUSED TO SIT WITH HIM
WHEN HE SAT IN THE LOO
                        ………………………………….

NERO PLAYED HIS FIDDLE
WHILE ROME BURNT DOWN TO THE GROUND
THERE WASN’T A LOT THE POOR OLD GENT COULD DO
A GLADIATOR PASSING BY ASKED HIM FOR HIS HELP
HE SAID, “SORRY MATE, I’M JUST OFF TO THE LOO”
                      …………………………………..

THE MONA LISA PAINTING
HANGS IN THE LOUVRE IN PARIS FRANCE
DA VINCI THOUGHT HE CAPTURED HER MYSTIC SMILE
BUT WHAT DA VINCI DIDN’T KNOW
IT WAS NOT A MYSTIC SMILE
MONA LISA WAS BURSTING FOR THE TOILET ALL THE WHILE
            …………………………………………

NOW ROBIN HOOD OF SHERWOOD
HAD A MERRY BAND OF MEN
THEY WERE THE FINEST ARCHERS IN THE LAND
THERE WAS “FRIAR TUCK” “WILLS SMITH”
AND ALSO  “LITTLE JOHN”
AND THEY RODE ROUND SHERWOOD FORREST CRAPPING ON
       ……………………………………………..

NOW WHEN ENGLAND RULED THE SEAS
THEY WERE VERY PROUD AND PLEASED
CAUSE THEY HAD TO KEEP THE FRENCHIES FROM THEIR SHORES
NOW NELSON CAME ALONG WITH HIS BIG HAT AND A SONG
AND SAID HE HAD A PLAN THAT COULDN’T LOOSE
SO HE SHUNTED UP A MAST LOWERED HIS BREECHES
AND PASSED GAS
AND THE FRENCHIES LEFT FOR HOLIDAYS TO TOLOUSE
 

(P#026) THE MEXICAN HAT DANCE
(To be sung to the tune of the Mexican Hat Dance)
by the MESHUGGENEH GRANDPA
(written by Sydney Samuels)

THE MEXICANS EAT LOTS OF CHILLI
THEN THEY DANCE ROUND THEIR HATS, IT’S SO SILLY
THEY SUCK LEMON AND DRINK THEIR TEQUILA
YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT THEY DO IN THEIR PANTS

THEY EAT CHILLI AND BEANS IN CANTINA
THEN PRONTO OFF QUICK TO LATRINAS
THEY NOT KNOW IF THEY COME OR JUST BEENA
THEY CALL IT THE MEXICAN HAT DANCE

THEY EAT CHILLI PEPPERS AND TACOS
AND THEN GET THE RUNS DOWN IN WACO
THEN THEY’RE DANCING ALL NIGHT ON THE TABLE
THEY’RE DOING THE MEXICAN HAT DANCE

WHEN ALL OF THEM WAKE IN THE MORNING
THE CHILLI AND BEANS THEY ARE CALLING
THEY ALL GOT TO RUSH WITHOUT WARNING
THEY’RE SOON DOING THE MEXICAN HAT DANCE

IF YOU EVER GO DOWN TO TIUANA
BE SURE TO LOOK INTO BIG MAMMA’S
SHE’LL WIGGLE HER TOCHES AND SAMBA
YOU’RE SOON DOING THE MEXICAN HAT DANCE
OY VEY!
 

(P#027) T'was the night before Chanukah
Yet another version!
[Author Unknown]

'Twas the night before Chanukah
and all over the place
There was noise, there was kvetching
Soch ah disgrace!

The kinderlach, sleeping,
uneasily felt
The chocolate rush
from the Chanukah gelt.

And me in the easyboy,
so stuffed with latkes,
I stretched the elastic
which held up my gatkes.

When up on the roof
(and it has a steep pitch)
A fat alter cocker
was making a kvitch.

I jumped up real quick
and I ran to the door,
Was it a bandeet,
or only a shnorrer?

He wasn't alone;
he had eight ferdelach,
And called them by name
as he gave a gebrach:

"On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam,
On Mendel, on Shmendrik, on Feivush, on Ham;
My kidneys are kvelling;
do you give a damn?"

He had a white beard
and payess to boot,
And to keep out the cold,
he had such a nice suit!

A second from Peerless,
I could tell at a glance,
But the cut was okay,
and so were the pants.

He was triple XL,
a real groisser goof,
So I yelled out,
"Meshuggener! Get off from Mein roof!"

He jumped down and said
as he shook hands with me,
"Max Klaus is the name.
You have maybe some tea?"

So I gave him a gleisel,
while he shook his white mop,
Mutt'ring, "Always the same thing,
They're dreying my kopp!"

From Vancouver to Glacer Bay,
Outremont to Reginek,
Every shmo in the world
hakks meir a cheinik!

They're screaming for presents,
and challah with shmaltz,
And from Brooklyn alone,
the back pain, gevaltz!"

So we sat and yentehed,
and we spun the old dreydels,
He took all of my money,
and one of my knaidels

He said, "Business is not bad,
a living I make,
But I'm getting too old
for this Chanukah fake;

And the cell phones, you see
how my pacemaker dings?
For two cents I'd quit,
and move to Palm Springs?"

And he gave a geshrei
as he fled mit a lacht,
"Gut yontiff to all,
Vey iz mir, such a nacht!"
 

NOTE: Marc Daniel has a wealth of songwriting and recording experience.  He has composed recorded and performed a number of songs in a diverse number of styles.  Numerous songs published in the UK and in the USA performed with artists such as Sir Cliff Richard.  Has been a finalist in the South Pacific song contest. Award for excellence in the field of Country music lyric writing. Six songs composed and recorded after signing writing/publishing recording contract with Plexium Music.  Regular performance at Orchard Ballroom with Mike Morton band.created original story and music/lyrics for musical Kosher Cockney Cowboy.  Member of (PRS) MMD writer associate. member of International Songwriters Association. past member of comedy writers association.

The following three songs all come from his musical "Kosher Cockney Cowboy."

(P#028) MY KOSHER POULTRY SHOP
(from the musical "Kosher Cockney Cowboy")
[Music and Lyrics by Marc Daniel (composer / Lyricist)   Copyright 1990]

Believe me have I got tsaurus I can't take it anymore
I'm not having no more breakdowns
I can tell you that for sure
So I made up Ten Commandments
For my Kosher Poultry store
Then I stuck them in the window
And I stuck them on the door

Ladies don't bait, dont nag, don't plead poverty,
Yetta please dont jump the queue
Millie don't rush me.
Sadie there's no credit, oy a draymenishcancop
I'm just Lenny making a penny in my Kosher Poultry shop.

Oy vay here comes Hilda from the deli right next door
Her hand goes up the tucus and the shmoltz goes on the floor
When she's finished with the chicken
I can't sell it anymore
I'm just Lenny making a penny in my Kosher Poultry shop

Ladies shut up and listen

Dont bait, dont nag, dont jump the queue
please dont mess the goods around
what you trying to do
i dont want no post mortems,oy a draymenishcancop
i'm just lenny making a penny in my kosher poultry shop

Now Hyme is a plucker
What a cucker I can say
He had an affair with Becky
Now she's in the family way
She must have liked his schnitzal in the most delightful way
Oy I'm Lenny making a penny in my Kkosher Poultry shop

Ladies will you shut up and listen to me
Ii'm just Lenny making a penny in my Kosher Poultry shop oy.

(P#029) WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
(from the musical "Kosher Cockney Cowboy")
[Music and Lyrics by Marc Daniel (composer / Lyricist)    Copyright 1990]

Davy SIilver lead character in the Musical needs advice from Lenny who has enough tsaurus of his own.

DAVY: Lenny, what am I gonna do my life is one bad dream?
LENNY: Davy if you’re talking trouble I can show you double things ain’t what they seem
DAVY: My life is one disaster
LENNY: For everyone times are hard
DAVY: She’s having another baby
LENNY: And me a credit card
DAVY: I don’t need more babies I wanna be a star
LENNY: Schmuck you’re talking out your arse sex is best by far
DAVY: Lenny what am I gonna do?
LENNY: A drink
DAVY: I need it neat
LENNY: Whisky or Vodka or Brandy?
DAVY: Oh I feel so randy
LENNY: Agh you’re always on heat
DAVY: My life is one disaster
LENNY: I’ve told you times are hard
DAVY: We’re having another baby
LENNY: Who needs a credit card?
DAVY: I don’t need another child I wanna be a star
LENNY: Then fly a rocket to the moon, a star won’t be too far
DAVY: Lenny what am I gonna do?  I love that selfish cow…
LENNY: Davy please don’t talk of trouble I can show you double - I ain’t sold one fowl
DAVY: My life is one disaster
LENNY: Oy draymenishconcop you’re driving me meshugger just leave my chicken shop
DAVY: Lenny I don’t need a child I need a number one
LENNY: Forget the song forget your wife What’s done is done is done
LENNY: You’ve got your health you’ve got your wealth be strong and see it through. This worry upset stress and fear will be the death of you
DAVY: Lenny what am I gonna do? We had a stinking row
LENNY: Davy a Valium sandwich I need it soon I need it now
DAVY: My life is one disaster
LENNY: I’m up to here in debt
DAVY: Time is running out for me
LENNY: I wake up in a sweat
DAVY: Lenny one good song is all I need. A song that’s really hot
LENNY: If you don’t leave my chicken shop I’ll kill you on the spot
DAVY: Lenny what am I gonna do?

(P#030) MOTHERS DON’T FORGET
(from the musical "Kosher Cockney Cowboy")
[Music and Lyrics by Marc Daniel (composer / Lyricist)   Copyright 1990]

RUBY: The first time I held you the day you were born you peed over me, then, gave a big yawn you smiled you gurgled, you told me I’m born Mothers don’t forget.
LENNY: My first day at school, you were so cruel to me.
RUBY: I cried when I dragged you.
LENNY: I know I could see.
RUBY: No you don’t remember, What a brat you were three. Mothers don’t forget.
LENNY: We argue, we squabble, I don’t mean what I say.
RUBY: I know what you’re saying. Pride gets in the way.
LENNY: I love you.
RUBY: And you too.
LENNY: What more can I say
BOTH: Mothers don’t forget.
RUBY: You’re the best son
LENNY: You’re the best mum.
RUBY: Through thick and thin you’re there.
LENNY: You’re a pillar, to lean on.
BOTH: Together, we will share
            The good times, the bad times.
            We’ll see the future through.
            No matter what happens
            I’m always there for you.
RUBY: Don’t gamble your money
LENNY: I said I don’t spiel
RUBY: Don’t tell me more lies, you’re making me ill.
            Just find a good woman, who’s not on the pill.
            Mothers don’t forget.
            I nearly lost you, when you were just two.
            Bronchitis, pneumonia, thank God, you pulled through.
            We’ve both had it hard son – oy, both me and you
            Mothers don’t forget.
RUBY: You’re the best son.
LENNY: You’re the best mum.
RUBY: Together, we will share
            The good times, the bad times.
            We’ll see the future through.
            No matter what happens
            I’m always there for you.
            The good times, the bad times.
            We’ll see the future through.
            No matter what happens
            Always – mothers don’t forget.

(P#031) Untitled
[author unknown]

You must remember this,
A bris is still a bris,
A chai is just a chai.
Pastrami still belongs on rye,
As time goes by.

With holidays in view,
A Jew is still a Jew,
On that you can rely.
No matter if we eat tofu
As hours slip by.

Old shtetl customs, never out of date.
All those potatoes mother has to grate.
Honey, tzimmis, latkes, chopped liver on our plate
The best that gelt can buy.

Some would send us to perdition,
But we're strengthened by tradition,
That no one can deny.
We roam, but we recall our birthright,
As time goes by.

Dreidels and chocolate, never out of date.
Ancient Jewish stories that we all relate.
Blue-and-white gift wrap, everything that's great?
And festive chazerai!

It's still the same old Torah,
It's still the same menorah,
We've latkes still to fry.
It's at yomtov when we feel most blessed,
As time goes by.

(P#032) Untitled
[author unknown]

Yiddish was the secret code, therefore I don't farshtaist,
A  bisseleh maybe here and there, the rest has gone to waste.
Sadly  when I hear it now, I only get the gist,
My Bubbe spoke it  beautifully; but me, I am tsemisht.
So oi vei as I should say, or  even oy vai iz mir,
Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish, it's  familiar to my ear.
And I'm no Chaim Yonkel , in fact I was shtick  naches,
But, when it comes to Yiddish though, I'm talking out my  tuchas.

Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don't know it  better
(Though it's really nishtgefelecht when one needs to write a  letter).
But, when it comes to characters, there's really no  contention,
No other linguist can compete with honorable  mentshen:
They have nebbishes and nebechels and others without  mazel,
Then, too, schmendriks and schlemiels, and let's not forget  schlemazel.

These words are so precise and descriptive to the  listener,
So much better than "a pill" is to call someone  'farbissener'.
Or - that a brazen woman would be better called  Choleria,
And you'll agree farklempt says more than does  hysteria.

I'm not haken dir a tshainik and I hope I'm not a  kvetch,
But isn't mieskeit kinder, than to call someone a  wretch?

Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbe say, "It's nechtiker tog,  don't fear,
To me you're still a maven, zol zein shah, don't fill  my ear.

A leben ahf dein keppele, I don't mean to  interrupt,
But you are speaking narishkeit...
And... a gezunt  auf dein kop!


(P#033) New Year Poem
[By Eric I Chesnick]

The shofar sounds its deep-felt note
Demands our time now to devote
To scan our lives, see what we have done
And plan the better for times to come
 
The yearly cycle begins anew
How should we live, what should we do
It’s now the time to contemplate
How we can make the whole world great
 
This New Year, when we’ve thought at length
May we find we have the strength
To bring all our resolutions
To the best of all conclusions
 
To a life of joy may we make our entry
Our labours bring us peace and plenty
Come good health and happiness
May all we do be a success

(P#034) Bubby and her net
[An original poem written by Estelle Seltzer in 2002]      


            “Bubby and her net”

        Bubby used to make shabbos dinner
        A beautiful table she would set
        Since Zaydeh bought her a computer
        “Tug” and “Nacht” Bubby is surfing the net
        She doesn’t have time to go shopping
        Or to the casino to place a bet
        Bubby is “Tzufreeden” with her computer
        She just loves surfing the net
        And what does bubby know from surfing?
        Surfing food is her greatest desire
        Potatoe kugel for Morris
        Luckshin kugel for Meyer
        We call bubby day and night
        And it’s to no avail
        Bubby is busy surfing the net
        Looking for a sale
        We try again the next day
        To get bubby on the phone
        Like Greta Garbo the movie star
        She vaunts to be left alone
        It won’t be very long and she will tire of it, we bet
        Bubby will return to us cooking up a storm
        Instead of surfing the michugineh net

        Estelle Seltzer
        8-4-02

(P#35) ZI GAZUNT (Get Well)
[An original poem written by Estelle Seltzer in 2002]

You’re feelin Nishgoot not well at all
Dr. Moishe is golfing he isn’t on call
There is another remedy if such is the case
There is always something else to take Moishe’s place
Yiddisheh penicillin is just what is needed
Taken several times it must be repeated
It’s a guarantee to help you recoup
It’s a prescription for bubby’s wonderful chicken soup
It’s a michel in bichel (delicious in your stomach)
And will do the trick
IT’S THE JEWISH PANACEA FOR ANYONE SICK

 Estelle Seltzer
  6-14-10


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