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(P#001) Chanukah story
Twas the night before Chanukah, boychiks and maidels,
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels.
The menorah was set on the chimney, just right,
In the kitchen my Bubbe hut gechapt a bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
and zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
Gezunt and geschmacht, the kindelech felt,
while dreaming of tegelach and Chanukah gelt.

The clock on the mantle it sure was a tickin,
and Bubbe was serving a schtickala chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand bruchas,
Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas.
I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
while Bubba was now on the herring and rye.
I grabbed my robe and buttoned my gotkes,
While Bubbe was so busy, devouring those latkes.

To the window I ran and to my surprise,
A little red yamulke greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw our menorah,
"Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenehora.
I thought I was in a goyisha hoise,
but as long as I am here, I'll leave a few toys."

With much geshray, I asked, "Du bist a yid?"
"Avada, mein numen is Schloimey Claus, kid."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish,
A guppell, a schtickla fish."
With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,
Chopped liver, knaidlech and kreplach gegessen.
Along with his meal, he had a bissle schnapps,
For when it came to eating, this boy was the tops!

He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,
but they were so hot, he yelled, "Oy gevalt!"
Unbottoning his haizen, he rose from the tisch,
and said, "Your kosher essen is simply delish."
As he went to the door, he said "See you later.
I'll be back next Pesach, in time for the seder."

More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,
as he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzchak, now Sammy,
now Irving and Maxie and Moishe and Manny."
He gave a geshray as he drove out of sight,
"A gutten yomtov to all, and to all a good night."

(P#002) 23rd Psalm for Jewish Princesses
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He leadeth me to Brent Cross
He giveth me energy for shopping
He restoreth my credit card
He teacheth me to make restaurant reservations
He leadeth me past Woolworths for mine own sake
Yea, though I walk by Next, I shall not go in, for thou art with me.
Thy fashionable clothes they comfort me
Thou preparest diamond jewellery for me in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my face with Chanel cosmetics
My cup overflows
Surely designer clothes shall follow me to the end of my days
And I will walk on Golders Green Road forever.

(P#003) The eight nights of Chanukah
On the first night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the second night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, two matzoh balls and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the third night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the fourth night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, four pounds of salt beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the fifth night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, five pickled cucumbers, four pounds of salt beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the sixth night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, six boobas cooking, five pickled cucumbers, four pounds of salt beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the seventh night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, seven rabbis dancing, six boobas cooking, five pickled cucumbers four pounds of salt beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the eighth night of Chanukah, someone sent to me, eight fiddlers fiddling, seven rabbis dancing, six boobas cooking, five pickled cucumbers, four pounds of salt beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.

(P#004) Seder song number 1 – There’s no Seder like our Seder
(sung to the tune of "There's no Business like Show business")
There's no seder like our seder,
There's no seder I know.
Everything about it is halachic
Nothing that the Torah won't allow.
Listen how we read the whole Haggadah
It's all in Hebrew
'Cause we know how.
There's no Seder like our seder,
We tell a tale that is swell.
Moses took the people out into the heat
They baked the matzah
While on their feet
Now isn't that a story
That just can't be beat?
Let's go on with the show!

(P#005) Seder song number 2 - Elijah
(sung to the tune of "Maria")
Elijah!
I just saw the prophet Elijah.
And suddenly that name
Will never sound the same to me.
Elijah!
He came to our seder
Elijah!
He had his cup of wine,
But could not stay to dine
This year--
Elijah!
For your message all Jews are waiting:
That the time's come for peace
and not hating--
Elijah--
Next year we'll be waiting.
Elijah!

(P#006) Seder song number 3 - Just a Tad of Haroset
(sung to the tune of "Just a spoon full of sugar")
Chorus:
Just a tad of haroset helps the bitter herbs go down,
The bitter herbs go down, the bitter herbs go down.
Just a tad of Charoset helps the bitter herbs go down,
In the most disguising way.

Oh, back in Egypt long ago,
The Jews were slaves under Pharaoh
They sweat and toiled and laboured through the day.
So when we gather Pesach night,
We do what we think right.
Maror, we chew,
To feel what they went through.

Chorus

So after years of slavery
They saw no chance of being free.
Their suffering was the only life they knew.
But baby Moses grew up tall,
And said he'd save them all.
He did, and yet,
We swear we won't forget.
That......

Chorus

While the Maror is being passed,
We all refill our water glass,
Preparing for the taste that turns us red.
Although Maror seems full of minuses,
It sure does clear our sinuses.
But what's to do?
It's hard to be a Jew!!!

Chorus

(P#007) Seder song number 4 – These are a few of our Passover Things
(sung to the tune of "These are a few of my favourite things")
Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
Fish that's gefillted, horseradish that stings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Matzoh and karpas and chopped up haroset
Shankbones and kiddish and yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows
Matzah balls floating and eggshell that cling
These are a few of our Passover things.

When the plagues strike
When the lice bite
When we're feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don't feel so bad.

(P#008) The night before Chanukah
'Twas the night before Chanukah
and all over the place
There was noise, there was kvetching
Soch ah disgrace!
The kinderlach, sleeping,
uneasily felt
The chocolate rush
from the Chanukah gelt.

And me in the easyboy,
so stuffed with latkes,
I stretched the elastic
which held up my gatkes.

When up on the roof
(and it has a steep pitch)
A fat alter kocker
was making a kvitch.

I jumped up real quick
and I ran to the door,
Was it a bandeet,
or only a shnorrer?

He wasn't alone;
he had eight ferdelach,
And called them by name
as he gave a gebrach:

"On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam,
On Mendel, on Shmendrick, on Feivush, on Ham,
My kidneys are kvelling,
do you give a damn?"

He had a white beard
and payess to boot,
And to keep out the cold,
he had such a nice suit!

A second from Peerless,
I could tell at a glance,
But the cut was okay,
and so were the pants.

He was triple XL,
a real groisser goof,
So I yelled out,
"Meshuggeneh! Get off from mein roof!"

He jumped down and said
as he shook hands with me,
"Max Klaus is the name.
You have maybe some tea?"

So I gave him a gleisel,
while he shook his white mop,
Mutt'ring, "Always the same thing,
They're dreying my kop!"

 From Vancouver to Glacer Bay,
Outremont to Reginek,
Every shmo in the world
hakks meir a cheinik!

They're screaming for presents,
and challah with shmaltz,
And from Brooklyn alone,
the back pain, gevaltz!"

So we sat and yenta’d,
and we spun the old dreydels,
(He took all of my money,
and one of my kanidels)

He said, "Business is not bad,
a living I make,
But I'm getting too old
for this Chanukah fake;

And the cell phones, you see
how my pacemaker dings?
For two cents I'd quit,
and move to Palm Springs?"

And he gave a geshrei
as he fled mit a lacht,
"Gut Yontif to all,
Veh is Mir, such a nacht!"

(P#009) Woman’s night time prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray to God my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, please no bags
And lift my toches before it sags.
Please no age spots, please no grey
And as for my belly, please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, please keep me young
And thank you Dear Lord for all that you've done.

(P#010) A woman's poem
He didn't like my salt beef
And he didn't like my cake.
My kichel were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't make the borsht right
He left the cholent stew.
I didn't wash his gatkes
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and gave him a potch...
Like his mother used to do.

(potch: smack)
(kichel: small round plain biscuit)
(cholent: potted meat and vegetables simmered overnight)
(borsht: beetroot soup)
(gatkes: underpants)

(P#011) Asher The Flasher
[This was written by a visitor to awordinyoureye]
Asher The Flasher Old Testament basher
Was partial to eating the odd bacon rasher
And when it came round each year to Yom Kippur
He cried out to God he’d be naughty no more
Dear God I regret I committed a thrill
So if I sin more do with me what you will
Saturday mornings McDonalds in Childwall
Asher the Flasher still spending a windfall
Two breakfast specials and milk shakes to go
Then he’s off to the Shul where he puts on a show
 Hava Nagila Shalom Alechem
Firmly convincing that he’s one of them
Then God he grew angry with Asher The Flasher
For being a naughty Old Testament Basher
So when he indulged the next time he was famished
Asher discovered his bollox had vanished.

(P#012) Kombucha Man
[This was written by a visitor to awordinyoureye]
Arthur the Kombucha Man
fermented green tea in a pan
until into the vat
fell a flea –ridden cat
which wasn’t quite part of the plan

‘Oh, no-one will notice!’ he cried
and to all of his clients he lied
‘This flavour sensation will conquer the nation
I’m sure you’ll be well satisfied!’

And it turned out that Arthur was right
as the ladies all gushed with delight
As happy can be
with the new recipe
and they wanted some more overnight

‘Oh, Arthur, the taste is sublime
Let us in on the secret sometime
Do we detect a smack of aph-ro-dis-i-ac
To conceal it would be such a crime!’

‘Oh, Arthur, dear Kombucha Man
What secret was put in the pan
to make us so frisky?
Did you add some whisky?
We want more as soon as you can!’

‘Oh find me a flea-ridden cat
I would pay a kings ransom for that
What on earth can I do
to produce the same brew
‘cos I can’t pull it out of a hat?’

‘Oh, sod it, it’s not going to harm them
and it won’t do no good to alarm them
with a wink and a smile
they’ll forget in a while
as I use my charisma to charm them

So, instead of the scheme backing fire
Now Arthur faced wanton desire
They were after his brew
and an extra or two
Just when he was going to retire

And Arthur still brews to this day
as his ladies continue to say
‘I’m a really big fan
of the Kombucha Man
He’s the ‘Oomph’ in my work rest and play!’

NOTE: Kombucha is fermented green tea which is feted as champagne in health food shops and women’s centres

(P#013) Santa is ....Jewish?
Twas one night during Chanukah, Oy! What a shock
Somebody outside was picking my lock!

And there at the door stood a zayda in blue
And he wore on his kupp a blue yarmaulka, too!

His poonim was shain, everybody would love it
Round his neck hung a chain with a gold Magen David!

He wore silken tsitziss beneath his wool vest
And a small flag of Israel was draped on his chest!

He said: I`m no burglar, so please don't be nervous
I'm the spirit of Chanukah, here at your service!

Menshen all call me reb Shalom Shapiro
Without me, this Yomtov might need a new hero!

I visit all yidlach, and bring connahurra
Good fortune as bright as a glowing menorah!

Ich shlepp lots of blessings and Chanukah gelt
And joys that are tokka the best in der velt!

If you know nice menshen,  I'll visit them quick
And I`ll bring them gezunt and a houseful of glick!

So I sent him to your house, and shook hands and parted
He shouted shalom! Out the doorway he darted!

He ran to a wagon with horses ahead
He fed them some bagels, and here's what he said:

Let`s go, Moish & Mendle! Make quick, Moe & Yussle!
Please give a rush, Malkah! Hey, Hymie, please hustle!

Then they raced like the wind. And they galloped so shnell
All his clothing blew off, and his gatkes as well!

Soon he was so kalt that his tusik turned bluish
He moaned and he hollered in English and Jewish!

So, don't act embarrassed, and please don't be rude
When that frostbitten zayda arrives in the nude!

Quick! Wrap him in blankets Don't beat round the bush
Quick! Tie a hot water bag on his cold tush!

Quick! Feed him some chicken soup hayss as can be
And give him some shnopps and a glaizl hot tea!

Cause he brings you a houseful of Chanukah wishes
As warm and gishmock as a plate of hot knishes!

And he brings them from our house so friendly and bright
Your house will keep glowing with Chanukah light!

Plus joy sweet as tsikker, and peace and good-cheer
And everything fraylach each day of the year!

And none in your family will be a schlimazel
For life will bring each of you simchas and mazel!

And all through the future your hopes will come true
And himmel will bless your family and you!!!

(P#014) The night before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me -- we had nothing to do....
The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there....

But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town....
The malls and the theatres were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to go to that night....

A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing....
Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below....

And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots --
To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots....

We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down....
And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown....
The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,
While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs....

We hopped off at Park Street; the Common was bright
With fresh-fallen snow and the trees strung with lights,
Then crept through "The Zone" with its bums and its thugs,
And entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs....

At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the gate,
Past bakeries, markets, shops and cafes,
In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Lets decide!"
We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside....

Around us sat others, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:
There was roast duck and fried squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shi and shrimp chow mee foon,
And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu.......

When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all....
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade....

Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls....
The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled....

And while this went on, we became aware
Every diner around us had started to stare....
Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;
Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking....

So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another!
Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two pencils....

We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore
And half of our dinner wound up on the floor....
We tried -- how we tried! -- but, sad truth to tell,
Ten long minutes later and still hungry as well,
We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,
And called to our waiter to bring us two forks....

We fressed and we feasted, we slurped and we munched....
We noshed and we supped, we breakfastd and lunched....
We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies....

But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: "Pork is kosher, when it’s in Chinese food."
And my girlfriend -- well ... she got a real winner;
Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."

Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chopstick technique)....

The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
"Good Yom Tov to all -- and to all a Good Night!"

(P#015) No title
[This was written by a visitor to awordinyoureye]
The weathers been nice so I go for a ride.
And in my fine people I now must confide.

I thank God I'm Jewish at this time of year.
These Christians are wack-o when it comes to good cheer.

Inflatable statues really did catch my eye.
I'd like to pop them then Santa would fly.

Houses are lit with no thought to conserve.
When they get the bill it's what they deserve.

Parking lots are too crowded and these people can't park.
They circle like vultures - and it's worse in the dark.

In the stores they wait - not looking so fine,
They have no clue how to cut to the front of a line.

Those songs on the car radio were a living hell.
Though the one from Adam Sandler does ring my bell.

Give me our eight candles, this I do know.
But I can't wait for Christmas - to go to a show!

(P#016) Fahrshtaist
[by Arthur H Rosen, from the June 2002 edition of The Jewish Magazine]
Yiddish was the secret code therefore I don't farshtaist,
A bisseleh maybe here and there, the rest has gone to waste.

Sadly when I hear it now, I only get the gist,
My bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but me, I am tsemisht.

So och un vai as I should say, or even oy vai iz mir,
Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish, it's familiar to my ear.

And I'm no Chaim Yonkel , in fact I was shtick naches,
But, when it comes to Yiddish though, I'm talking out my tuchas.

Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don't know it better
(Though it's really nisht-geferlech when one needs to write a letter)

But, when it comes to characters there's really no contention,
No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen.

They have nebbishes and nebechels and others without mazel,
Then too, schmendriks and schlemiels and let's not forget schlemazel.

These words are so precise and descriptive to the listener,
So much better than "a pill"- is to call someone farbissener.

Or that a brazen woman would be better called chaleria,
And you'll agree farklempt says more than does hysteria.

I'm not haken dir a tsheinik and I hope I'm not a kvetch,
But isn't 'mieskeit' kinder than to call someone a wretch?

Mitten derinnen, I hear bubbeh say, It's nechtiker tog, don't fear,
To me you're still a maven, zol zein shah, don't fill my ear.

A leyben ahf dein keppele, I don't mean to interrupt,
But you are speaking narishkeit. And A gezunt auf dein kop!

Farshtaist = Understand
Bisseleh = A little
Tsemisht = Confused or mixed up
Och un vai = Alas and alack
Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me
Pisk = mouth
Naches = Joy, Gratification
Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame for the children
Nishtgeferlech = Not so terrible
Nebbishes = A nobody or simpleton
Nebechels = A pititful person or playing the role of being one
Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept person, butter-fingered; dopey person
Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or indifferent person; same as schlemiel
Schlemazel = Luckless person. Unlucky person; one with perpetual bad luck (it is said that the shlemiel spills the soup on the shlimazel!)
Farbissener = Embittered; bitter person
Chaleria = Evil woman. Probably derived from cholera.
Farklempt = Too emotional to talk. Ready to cry.
Haken dir a tsheinik = Don't get on my nerves (Lit.,
Don't bang my teapot.)
Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a complainer
Mieskeit = Ugly
Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden, suddenly
Nechtiker tog! = He's (it's) gone! Forget it!
Nonsense! (Lit., a yesterday's day)
Zol zein shah! = Be quiet. Shut up!!
Lieben ahf dein keppele = Words of praise like; Well said! Well done!

(P#017) No title
Roses are reddish,
Violets are bluish,
If it wasn't for Jesus,
We'd all be Jewish
 
 

NOTE:  The following poems and verse were written by 'Great Uncle Velf' and submitted by a visitor to awordinyoureye.  This is what Velf's nephew wrote about 'Uncle Velf': -
"Uncle  Wolfie (or Uncle Velf as he was known) was a remarkable man. He was born in England in 1883. He would only have been educated until the age of 13 or 14 but had a great gift for English. He was a well known character in the Leeds Jewish Comunity until his death in the late 1960's. In the late 1930's and early 1950's, the Leeds Jewish Institute held occasional Smoking Concerts(!) for charity and my Uncle Velf composed lyrics to well known songs and verses for these concerts.These were printed into song sheets for the audience to sing along with. Regrettably, I have only one such song sheet dated Nov 1st 1953. As the songs were either contemporary or earlier in date, not many people nowadays will know the tunes.However, I attach a copy of his version of "Alice Blue Gown" (see P#019) and even if one does not know the tune, it is a good example of his work.   The third verse (see P#021) was possibly written in the 1930's when Uncle Velf was fond of commenting, in verse, on the Anglicization of some Jewish people after a short time in England.

(P#018) ALICE BLUE GOWN
[Written by Great Uncle Velf - see note above]
A Yiddle got lost in the jungle one day.
He took out his "Tsitsus" and started to pray.
For there in the distance nine men came in view.
When up rose a Big Chief and said to the Jew:
Tell me do, tell me true, who are you?
How you came, what's your game, and your name?
I am Shmuel, the Rebbi from Draim.
Only last week from Varshi I came.
If my life you won't spare,
Let me then say a prayer.
Then the Yiddle just cried out, "Shay Ma Yisroale."
Then the Big Chief said, "My heart is full.
'Ken doss zine tacky emmess Reb. Shmull.
Come sing and come dance man.
Bist myner ar Lansman.
With ten we can now build a Shull."

(P#019) No title
[Written by Great Uncle Velf - see note above]
Cohen was speeding with his pal,
Tyre burst -Yiscadal.

(P#020) No title
[Written by Great Uncle Velf - see note above]
Dot, posed as a lady, though Roch was her name,
None thought she was shady or playing a game.
She called papa Pater. Pater called her Roch,
But when she called Mama her mater,
De mamie said, “Chapt dir ar broch”.

(P#021) The night before Chanukah
IT WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE HANUKKAH -- OY! WHAT A SHOCK!

SOMEBODY OUTSIDE WAS PICKING OUR LOCK!

AND THERE AT THE DOOR STOOD A ZAYDIE IN BLUE

AND HE WORE ON HIS KEPPALA A YARMAULKA OF BLUE!

HIS PUNIM WAS SCHAIN, EVERYBODY WOULD LOVE IT!

AROUND HIS NECK HUNG A CHAIN WITH A GOLD MOGEN DAVID!

HE WORE SILKEN TSITZIS BENEATH HIS WOOL VEST,

AND A SMALL FLAG OF ISRAEL WAS DRAPED ON HIS CHEST!

HE SAID: "IM NO GONIF, SO PLEASE DON'T BE NERVOUS.

I'M THE SPIRIT OF HANUKKAH, HERE AT YOUR SERVICE!

MENCHEN ALL CALL ME REB SHALOM SHAPIRO!

WITHOUT ME, THIS YOM-TOV MIGHT NEED A NEW HERO.

I VISIT ALL YIDLACH, AND BRING, KENAHORAH,

GOOD FORTUNE AS BRIGHT AS A GLOWING MENORAH!

ICH SCHLEP LOTS OF BLESSINGS AND HANUKKAH GELT,

AND JOYS THAT ARE TOCCA THE BEST IN DER VELT!

IF YOU KNOW SOME NICE MENCHEN, I'LL VISIT THEM QUICK,

AND I'LL BRING THEM GEZUNT AND A HOUSE FULL OF GLICK!"

SO WE SENT HIM TO YOUR HOUSE, WE SHOOK HANDS AND WE PARTED.

HE SHOUTED, "SHOLOM!" AND OUT THE DOORWAY HE DARTED!

HE RAN TO A WAGON WITH HORSES AHEAD.

HE FED THEM SOME BAGELS, AND HERE'S WHAT HE SAID:

"LET'S GO, MOISH & MENDLE! MAKE QUICK, MOE & YUSSLE!

PLEASE GIVE A RUSH, MALKAH! HEY, HYMIE, PLEASE HUSTLE!"

THEN THEY RACED LIKE THE WIND! AND THEY GALLOPED SO SCHNEL,

ALL HIS CLOTHING BLEW OFF, WITH HIS GATKES AS WELL!

SOON HE WAS SO KALT THAT HIS TUSHIE TURNED BLUISH!

HE MOANED AND HE HOLLERED IN ENGLISH AND JEWISH!

SO, DON'T BE EMBARRASSED, AND PLEASE DON'T BE RUDE

WHEN THAT FROSTBITTEN ZAYDIE ARRIVES IN THE NUDE!

QUICK! WRAP HIM IN BLANKETS! DON'T BEAT ROUND THE BUSH!

QUICK! TIE A HOT WATER BAG ON HIS COLD TUSH!

FEED HIM SOME CHICKEN SOUP HOT AS CAN BE!

AND GIVE HIM SOME SCHNOPS AND A GLAIZELA TEA!

CAUSE HE BRINGS YOU A HOUSE FULL OF HANUKKAH WISHES

AS WARM AND GISHMOCK AS A PLATE OF HOT KNISHES!

AND HE BRINGS THEM FROM OUR HOUSE SO FRIENDLY AND BRIGHT,

SO YOUR HOUSE WILL KEEP GLOWING WITH HANUKKAH LIGHT

PLUS JOY SWEET AS SUGAR, AND PEACE AND GOOD CHEER

AND EVERYTHING FRAYLACH EACH DAY OF THE YEAR!

AND NO ONE IN YOUR FAMILY WILL BE A SCHLIMAZEL,

FOR LIFE WILL BRING EACH OF YOU SIMCHAS AND MAZEL!

AND ALL THROUGH THE FUTURE YOUR HOPES WILL COME TRUE,

AND GUT EN HIMMEL WILL BLESS YOUR MISHPOCHA AND YOU!

(P#022) There was a young lady
There was a young lady of title
Who insisted on wearing a sheitl,
Of kashrus and such
She did not think much
But she thought that the sheitl was vital.

(P#023) Twas the month after Chanukah
Twas the month after Chanukah, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse
The cookies I'd nibble, the latkes I'd taste
At Chanukah, parties had gone to my waist

When I got on the scales there arose such a number
When I walked to the store, less a walk than a lumber
I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared

The wine or cherry creams, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please"
As I dressed myself in my husband's shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt

I said to myself, as only I can
"you can't spend the winter disguised as a man!"
So...away with the last of the sour cream dip
Get rid of all the chocolate, each cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished
I won't have a cookie-not even a lick
I'll want to chew only a celery stick

I won't have biscuits, or bread or pie
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet
 
 

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