The non-Jewish jokes of
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This is the third set of NON JEWISH
(Non#39) A visit to the doctor
[My thanks to Stan C for
Peter goes to see his doctor. "So how
can I help you?" asks his doctor.
"Wwwwell aas you nnnnknow, dddddoctor,"
Peter replies, "I've bbbeen a ssstttutterer ffor yyears and I'm fffed uhuhup
wwwith iiit. Ccccan yyyou pppplease hehehelp mmme?"
After examining him, the doctor says,
"Well, Peter, I'm fairly convinced that I know what your problem is, but
you wonít like what Iím going to tell you. It's your penis thatís causing
you your stuttering. It's 14Ē long and its weight is pressing down too
hard and putting too much of a strain on your vocal cords."
The doctor continues, "If you want, I
can cut off your current oversized penis and transplant an average sized
one in its place. This type of operation nearly always works to cure stuttering.
And as a by-product, I can preserve your original penis in a jar for observation
and research and this will allow me to operate for free. What do you think?
Is it a deal?"
Peter replies, "Dddo it, ddddoctor."
3 months later, Peter returns to see his
doctor for a progress check. "Thanks doctor," Peter says, "You've sorted
me out at last Ė Iím no longer stuttering. But I now have a new problem.
I've only made love to my wife a handful of times in the past 6 weeks.
She doesn't enjoy lovemaking any more because Iím unable to satisfy her
in the way I used to. She liked my long penis and wants you to put it back.
She doesnít care if I have to stutter again. So can you do it?"
The doctor replies, "Nnnno I ccccanít,
PPPPetttter, a ddddeal is a ddddeal."
(Non#40) Women, start your day with
a positive outlook
1. Open a new file in your PC.
(Non#41) Stay of execution
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. PC will ask, "Are you sure you want
to delete Housework permanently?" Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse
6. Feel better?
[My thanks to Frank R for
Patrick, a lawyer, arrives home late one
evening after a very tiring day trying to get a stay of execution for his
client, James Wright, who is due to be hanged for murder at midnight. Patrick
had made a last-minute plea for clemency to the governor, but his plea
had been rejected. So when Patrick arrives home, heís depressed and very,
But as soon as he walks into his house,
his wife starts on him. "And what time of night do you call this Patrick?
You should have been home hours ago - where have you been all this time?"
But Patrick is too tired to participate
in this regular ritual and ignores her tirade. Instead, he pours himself
a glass of best whiskey and goes upstairs to have a good long soak in a
hot bath. 20 minutes later, while heís still in the bath, the phone rings.
His wife answers and is told that her husband's client has, at the very
last moment, been granted his stay of execution after all. She suddenly
realises what a day her husband must have had and feels very embarrassed
about her outburst. So she goes upstairs to give him the good news. She
opens the bathroom door and is immediately greeted by the sight of Patrickís
naked backside as he is bending over drying his feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight,"
Patrick straightens up, turns around and
screams out, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop with your
(Non#42) Ze English is not easy! (Various
signs from around the world)
(Non#43) Chinese wedding ceremony
Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A
WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN
Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED
NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR
Doctorís office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN
AND OTHER DISEASES
Dry cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS
HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS
Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR
WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER
Athi River highway (main road to Mombasa,
leaving Nairobi): TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD
Kencom poster: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT
READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP
Cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING
FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES
Tokyo hotel's regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED
NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED
Swiss restaurant menu: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU
NOTHING TO HOPE FOR
Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES
Yugoslavia hotel: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR
WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID
Japan hotel: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF THE CHAMBERMAID
Lobby of Moscow hotel: YOU ARE WELCOME TO
VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND
WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY
Sign in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY
FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX,
FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE
MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE
Zurich hotel: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF
ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED
THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE
Rome laundry: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE
AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
[My thanks to Stan C for
A lovely young Chinese couple get married.
She is a virgin and he is not too experienced either. So on their wedding
night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband gets undressed.
He then gets into bed with her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he says, trying to sound
experienced and hoping to impress his virgin bride, "I know dis yo firss
time and you berry frighten. But I pomise you, I give you anyting you want,
I do anyting, juss anyting you want. What chou want?"
He waits patiently and eagerly for her
reply and after a thoughtful silence, she eventually replies, shyly and
unsure, "I wantto try somethin I have heard about... numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from
him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone, he asks, "You want... Chicken wiff
(Non#44) The MCP (male chauvanist pig)
[My thanks to Stuart C for
Chris gets a surprise phone call from
Maria, a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of his. Itís been many years since he last
saw her and they start chatting away, losing all track of time. Then they
start talking about the wild, romantic nights they used to enjoy together
and Chris canít believe it when Maria asks him, "Iíve got a good idea,
Chris. Why donít we meet up and rekindle a little of that Ďmagicí?"
"Wow," he replies, "I don't know if I
could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when
you last saw me."
But Maria giggles and says, "Iím sure
you would rise to the challenge, Chris, just as you always used to."
"Yeah, I suppose so," Chris says, "just
so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider
Maria laughs and says, "Stop being so
silly, Chris, I think all tubby bald men are cute. And anyway, I've put
on a few pounds myself."
At that, Chris says to her, "so get lost,
then," and puts the phone down.
(Non#45) Some great questions, brought
to you by Peter Kay
(Non#46) Some funny quotes
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room
when you get undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land, do they
own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Why can't women put on mascara with their
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when
the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob and I am an
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled
through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow
and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking
for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom
Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains
on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable
oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Why is it that when someone tells you that
there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if
they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make
Do illiterate people get the full effect of
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's
outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your arse?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in
a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he
sticks his head out of the window?
(Non#47) Aliens just donít understand golf
I had a rose named after me and I was very
flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
"No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall."
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
I have never hated a man enough to give his
[Zsa Zsa Gabor]
Money can't buy you happiness...but it does
bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Two aliens are visiting Earth to research
the local customs. One day, their spaceship hovers over a golf course and
the two aliens watch a solitary golfer in sheer amazement. The golfer duffs
his tee shot, shanks his second into the rough, takes three to get out
of the rough onto the fairway, slices the next shot into the bushes, then
takes a putter to get it out and on to the fairway again.
One alien says to the other that he must
be playing some sort of weird game. They continue to observe the golfer.
The golfer then skulls a shot into a bunker
by the green, takes several shots to get out of the bunker and finally
onto the green, and puts several times until he finally gets the ball into
At this point, the other alien says to
his partner, "Wow, now he's really in serious trouble!"
(Non#48) Neither do they understand
The two aliens then split up so that they
can learn more in the time allowed. When they meet to share their knowledge,
the first alien tells of a religious ceremony it had seen.
"I went to a large green field shaped
like a meteorite crater. Around the edges, several thousand worshippers
gathered. Then two priests walk to the centre of the field to a rectangular
area and hammer six spears into the ground, three at each end. Then eleven
more priests walk out, clad in white robes. Then two high priests wielding
clubs walk to the centre and one of the other priests starts throwing a
red orb at the ones with the clubs."
"Gee," replied the other alien, "what
"Then it begins to rain."
(Non#49) Ten Groaners
(Non#50) Stories on the theme of Ďchildren
and the churchí
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love
and get married. Although the ceremony isn't much, the reception is brilliant.
As two cannibals are eating a clown, one says
to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two cows are standing next to each other in
a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
NOTE. This is an example of Deja Moo, the feeling that you've heard this
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
A man went to buy some camouflage trousers
the other day but he couldn't find any.
A man wakes up in a hospital after a serious
accident and shouts, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
replies, "I know you can't - I've had to cut off your arms!"
A man goes into a seafood disco ...and pulls
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak are cold so
they light a fire in the boat. As it sinks, it proves yet again that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A group of chess enthusiasts check into a
hotel and are standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager goes over to them and
asks them to disperse. "But why?" they ask. "Because", he says, "I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A man sends 20 different puns to his friends
hoping that at least 10 of them would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
[My thanks to Stan C for
Little Thomas is attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asks him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," Thomas quickly replies.
"How do you know that?" asks his cousin.
"Easy," replies Thomas. "All you have
to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer,
Little Mary gets more and more restless
as the preacher's sermon drags on and on. Finally, she leans over
to her mother and whispers, "Mummy, if we give him the money now, will
he let us go?"
After his baby brother has been christened
in church, little Johnny sobs in the back seat of the car all the way home.
His father asks him three times what is wrong. Finally, Johnny replies,
"The priest said he wants us brought up in a Christian home, but I want
to stay with you guys!"
Joan asks her Sunday school class, "I
want you all to draw pictures of your favourite Bible stories." As
she goes round looking at how her class are getting on, sheís puzzled by
little Peterís picture which shows four people on an airplane, so she asks
him which story it is meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt, miss" says Peter.
Pointing at each figure in turn, Joan
says, "That must be Mary, that must be Joseph and that must be Baby Jesus,
but who's the fourth person, Peter?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot, miss!"
A college drama group puts on a play in
which one character stands on a trap door and announces, "I descend into
hell." A stagehand below then pulls a rope, the trapdoor springs open and
the actor drops from view. The play is well received.
But the actor playing the part becomes
ill and another actor, who is quite a bit overweight, takes his place.
When they get to the trapdoor scene, the new actor announces, "I descend
into hell," the stagehand pulls the rope and the actor begins his plunge.
But because of his size, he becomes hopelessly stuck and no amount of tugging
on the rope can make him descend fully.
One student in the audience, sitting in
the balcony, jumps up and shouts, "Hallelujah! Hell is full."
(Non#51) Live and learn
[My thanks to Hilary A for
Liz has never been interested in either
participating or watching any kind of sport. Her boyfriend Barry, on the
other hand, loved golf. One Sunday, after he had spent most of the morning
on the golf course, Barry picks up Liz in his car to take her to lunch.
While he's driving, some golf tees fall out of his pocket.
"Barry," asks Liz, "what are those things
that just fell out of your pocket?"
"Oh, those are called tees," replies Barry.
"I put my balls on them when I'm driving."
"OK, thanks," she says. "Ask a stupid
question, get a stupid answer!"
(Non#52) Chinese Proverb
"Man who cooks greens and peas in same
pot is insanitary."
(Non#53) Condom advertising
Condoms would become more Ďfashionableí
if well known companies, world-wide, started producing or sponsoring them.
These companies would probably advertise them quite imaginably
(Non#54) Tips from junior staff to their
Nike Condoms: Just do it
Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
Sony Condoms: Do not underestimate the power
of Sony Condoms
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go
KFC Condoms: Finger Licking Good
M&Ms Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not
in your hands
Coca Cola Condoms: The Real Thing
Ever Ready Condoms: Keep going and going
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't
Burger King Condoms: Home of the whopper
Nokia Condoms: This is Human Technology
Ericsson Condoms: It's all about connecting
Motorola Condoms: What you never thought possible
Renault Condoms: Size does matter!
Energizer: Never say never die
Diet Coke: Just for the taste of it
BA condoms: Sky is the limit
Never give me work in the morning. Always
wait until at least 5pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline
If itís really a rush job, run in and interrupt
me every 10mins to enquire how itís going. That helps
Always leave without telling anyone where
youíre going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where
If you give me more than one job to do, donít
tell me which is the priority. Let me guess
Do your best to keep me late. I like the office
and really have nowhere to go or anything to do
If I do a job that pleases you, keep it a
secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion
If you donít like my work, tell everyone.
I like my name to be popular in conversation
If you have special instructions for a job,
donít write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done
Never introduce me to the people youíre with.
When you refer to them later, my shrewd power of deduction will identify
Be nice to me only when the job Iím doing
for you could really change your life
Tell me all your little problems. No one else
has any and itís nice to know someone is less fortunate
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