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This is the second set of NON JEWISH
(Non#24) Education initiative
In response to the government’s new education initiative, it is proposed that students will have to pass a test to be promoted to the next grade level. The new test will be called the “First Arithmetic and Reading Test”, or FART.
All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in Grades 3, 4 and 5 until they are capable of passing a FART.
If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student shall be placed in a separate English program known as the “Special Masters Easy Learning Language”, or SMELL.
If, with this increased SMELL program, the student cannot pass the required FART test, he or she can still graduate to middle school by taking another course in “Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation”, or CRAP.
If by age fourteen the student cannot FART, SMELL, or CRAP, he or she can earn promotion in an intensive one-week seminar known as the “Preparatory Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students”, or PRUNES.
It is the opinion of the School Inspectorate that an intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL, or CRAP. And in the long term, this revised education initiative should help "clear the air"
(Non#25) Bar none
A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."(Non#26) Excuse notes from parents
Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says to the barman, "A beer please - and one for the road."
(Non#28) Sick leave
Tom urgently needs a few days off work, but knows that his boss will not allow him to take leave. So he thinks, ‘maybe if I act crazy, my boss will tell me to take a few days off.’ So Tom hangs upside down from the ceiling and starts to make funny noises.
Mary, his blonde assistant asks him what he thinks he’s doing. Tom tells her he’s pretending to be a light bulb so the boss will think he’s crazy and give him a few days off. Two minutes later the boss comes into the office and asks Tom, "What are you doing?"
When Tom tells him he’s a light bulb, the boss says, "You’re clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
Tom jumps down and walks out of the office. When Mary starts to follow him, the boss asks her, "And where do you think you're going, madam?"
She replies, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
(Non#29) The sleeper train
Peter and Joan, who not only have never met before but also who are both married to other people, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a fully booked overnight sleeper train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a compartment, they are both very tired and quickly fall asleep - Peter in the top bunk and Joan in the bottom bunk.
At 1am, Peter leans over and gently wakes Joan by saying, "Excuse me madam, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm very cold."
"I have a better idea," Joan replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
"Wow, that's a great idea!" Peter says.
"Good," Joan replies, "so get your own damned blanket."
After a moment of silence, Peter farts.
(Non#30) Did you know this?
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.(Non#31) The urgent need
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
23.715% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
(Non#32) He did what he was told
[My thanks to Malcolm C for the following]
Little Tommy is squirming around at his desk, scratching his crotch and paying little attention to the English lesson going on in the classroom. When his teacher Mary goes over to find out what’s going on, Tommy is quite embarrassed. He whispers to Mary that he’s recently been circumcised and he’s gotten very itchy. So Mary tells him to use the phone in the corridor to ask his mother what he should do about his itch. Tommy does as he’s told and 5 minutes later returns to his desk.
Within minutes, there’s a commotion around his desk and when Mary goes to investigate, she finds Tommy sitting there with his penis hanging out his trousers.
"I thought I told you to call your Mother," she says to him.
"I did teacher," he replies. "She told me that if I could stick it out till lunch time, she'd come and pick me up from school."
(Non#33) The full investigation
[My thanks to Nick M for the following]
Mary brings a very stiff parrot into a veterinary surgery and says to Simon, the vet, "My Minky doesn’t seem to be very well. I do hope you can help him."
As soon as she puts Minky on the table, Simon pulls out his stethoscope and listens to the bird's chest. Then he shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but Minky has passed away."
Mary is very shocked and upset and says to Simon, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I’m sure," replies Simon, "Minky really is dead."
"How can you be so sure," asks Mary. "You haven't done any tests on him. He might just be in a deep sleep."
Simon looks at Mary and then leaves the room. Two minutes later he returns with a Labrador who, to Mary’s amazement, stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs the parrot from top to bottom. The dog then looks at Simon with watery eyes and shakes his head. Simon pats the dog on his head and takes it out the room.
Simon then returns with a beautiful Siamese cat. The cat jumps up on the table and, like the dog before her, sniffs delicately up and down the bird. Then the cat sits back on her haunches, shakes her head, meows, jumps down and leaves the room.
Simon looks at Mary and says, "I'm sorry, but as I said before, Minky is most definitely a dead parrot, he is no more."
At that, Simon walks over to his computer, keys in some data and prints out an invoice, which he hands to Mary.
Mary looks at the invoice and cries out, "£150 just to tell me my parrot is dead?"
Simon shrugs his shoulders and says, "I'm sorry, but if you'd taken my word for it at the outset, my fee would only have been £50. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, I’ve had to charge you considerably more."
(Non#34) The production line
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Shirley applies for a job at a factory which has just opened in north London making Tickler Toys. NOTE: For the uninitiated, Tickler Toys laugh when you tickle them under the arm.
Her application is successful and she is taken on to work on the ‘Mister Bobby Tickler’ conveyor belt. Her first day is taken up with training and she starts work proper on her second day.
But halfway through her second day, the foreman complains about Shirley to the Training Manager. "That new girl Shirley is so incredibly slow that her Mister Bobby belt is backing up, putting my entire production behind schedule."
The Training Manager wants to see Shirley at work for himself. When he arrives at the factory floor, the production line is so backed up that there are Mister Bobbys lying all over the factory floor and Shirley is at the end of the line surrounded by dozens of them. Next to her are rolls of pink fabric and boxes of small marbles. He watches in amazement as Shirley cuts a piece of pink fabric, wraps it around two marbles and then begins to carefully sew the little package between the legs of a Mister Bobby.
The Training Manager bursts out laughing. Then he goes over to Shirley and says, trying to keep a straight face, "I'm sorry, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give each Mister Bobby two test tickles."
(Non#35) Little Peter
VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2005
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
It’s little Peter’s birthday next week and he asks his parents for a 15-speed bicycle for his present. But his father says, "Son, we'd love to give you one of these fancy bikes for your birthday, but as you know, Mum has just been made redundant. With the mortgage on our house over £200,000 and without her salary, there's no way we can afford a bike. Maybe next year."
First thing the following morning, his father sees little Peter walking out the front door with his little suitcase in his hand. So he shouts out, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Peter replies, "As I was walking past your bedroom last night, I heard you telling mum that you were pulling out. Then I heard mum tell you to wait because she was coming too. And if you think I’m going to stay here on my own with a £200,000 mortgage AND no bike, you must be mad."
(Non#36) Friendship differences
[My thanks to Simon C for the following]
Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
(Non#37) Help is at hand
A very distinguished lady is on a plane arriving from Switzerland and finds herself seated next to a nice priest. She turns to the priest and says, "Excuse me, Father, could I ask a favour?"
"Of course, what can I do for you?" he replies.
"I have a problem. I bought myself a brand new sophisticated hair removing razor which cost me a lot of money. In fact I’ve gone over the declaration limits and I’m worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock for me?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I will not lie," he says.
"You have such an honest face, Father," she says, "that I’m sure they will not ask you any questions."
So she gives him the hair removing razor.
The aircraft arrives at its destination and when the priest presents himself to customs, he’s asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son," he replies.
Finding this a reply strange, the customs officer asks, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replies, "I have down there a marvellous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used before."
Laughing loudly, the customs officer says, "Go ahead Father. Next!"
(Non#38) The rabbit in the fridge
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Jean opens her refrigerator and sees a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asks.
The rabbit replies, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," replies Jean.
"Well," says the rabbit, "I'm westing."
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