(Non#1) The Pope’s blessing
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti homini" - Blessed be mankind.  A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that he had blessed all of mankind, but not womankind.
So the next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be mankind and womankind.  The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said they had noticed that he had blessed mankind and womankind and asked if he could also bless those who are gay.   The Pope said, "OK."
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini, et tuti fruiti."

(Non#2) In the beginning
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
Little Peter asks his father one day, "Daddy, how was I born?"
His father replies, "Ah, Peter my son, I guess one day you’ll need to find out anyway so let me tell you how. Well, you see, your mother and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date with her via email and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us was using a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said - You've Got Male.”

(Non#3) Words from the male & female versions of the English dictionary
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Any part under a car's bonnet (F)
The strap fastener on a woman's bra (M)

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another (F)
Playing cricket without a cup (M)

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner (F)
Leaving a note before taking off on a poker evening with the boys (M)

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
A desire to get married and raise a family (F)
Trying not to talk to other women while out with this one (M)

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
A good movie, concert, play or book (F)
Anything that can be done while drinking beer (M)

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
An embarrassing by-product of indigestion (F)
A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding (M)

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve (F)
Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it (M)

Q:    Name the four seasons.
A:    Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q:    How is dew formed?
A:    The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q:    How can you delay milk turning sour?
A:    Keep it in the cow.

Q:    What are steroids?
A:    Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q:    What happens to your body as you age?
A:    When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q:    What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A:    He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q:    Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A:    Premature death.

Q:    What is artificial insemination?
A:    When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q:    What is the fibula?
A:    A small lie.

Q:    What does "varicose" mean?
A:    Nearby

(Non#6) Airline announcements
[My thanks to Stan for the following]
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight safety lecture and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: -

• On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want), passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
• On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
• On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
• "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
• "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
• As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
• After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
• From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
• "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
• "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
• "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
• "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses."
• And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
• Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
• Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
• Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
• An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
• After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
• Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
• Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
• A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

(Non#8) Why or who?

• Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
• Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• Why don't you ever see the headline, "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
• Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
• Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?
• Why do you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows XT or 2000?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why isn't there a mouse-flavoured cat food?
• Who tastes dog food to check it has a "new & improved" flavour?
• Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
• Why don't they make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• Why do they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

• On a hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

(but that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
• On bag of crisps: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(the shoplifter special?)
• On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

(and that would be how???)
• On some  frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
• On a tub of Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."

(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
• On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)
• On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."

(but wouldn't this save me more time?)
• On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklift trucks)
• On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(and...I'm taking this because???....)
• On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

(as opposed to...what?)
• On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

(now, somebody out there, help me on this.  I'm a bit curious.)
• On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

(talk about a news flash!)
• On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
• On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(really!)
• On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

(Non#11) By the year 2040
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.  This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

(Non#12) What a wife needs
The husband and wife go to a male counsellor after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counsellor turns to the husband and says, "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I go fishing."

(Non#13) Maturity
You are marvellously mature when:

• You and your teeth don't sleep together.
• You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
• At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
• Your back goes out but you stay home.
• When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
• It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
• When your idea of a night out is sitting on the terrace.
• When happy hour is a nap.
• When you're on holiday and your energy runs out before your money does.
• When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
• When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
• Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
• Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
• Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
• Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
• The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
• It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
• Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
• You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
• You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
• You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
• You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
• You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
• You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Encourage her,
Believe in her,
Pray with her,
Pray for her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

Show up naked,
Bring chicken wings,
Don't block the TV.

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story???  What bed???  Who the hell are you???

(Non#17) Honesty is best policy
Two Irish mates, Sean and Patrick, are having a few pints together when Sean says, “Hey Pat, have you heard about this great new pub in Camden? You buy one drink for yourself then they all buy your drinks for you for the rest of the night. Then when the pub closes they take you out in the beer garden and provide you with sex all night long.”
“That sounds like a terrific night out,” says Pat, “but it sound too good to be true. Who’s been telling about this place?”
“It’s true enough,” replies Sean, “the whole thing happened to my sister just the other night.”

(Non#18) Bits and pieces

• Sign on a chemist’s door:  “We dispense with quality.”
• From a board report: “Since we began our corporate stress-reduction programme, production is down and no-one seems to care.”
• Definition of stock jobbers said in the year 1715: “It’s a complete system of knavery, founded in fraud, born of deceit and nourished by trick, cheat, wheedle, forgeries, falsehoods, and all sorts of delusions; coining false news; whispering imaginary terrors; and preying upon those they have elevated or depressed.”
• From memo to employees: “We have good news and bad news for you. The bad news is that wages are being cut by 10%. The good news is that the cut will be backdated to the start of the year.”
• From a Newsletter: “People are inclined, when in the wrong, to lay blame on someone else. We’re like the small boy who was standing on the cat’s tail. His mother, hearing the terrible commotion, called from an adjoining room. ‘Tommy, stop pulling that cat’s tail.’ ‘I’m not pulling on it. He’s the one that’s doing the pulling.’”

(Non#20) Reverse action (a bit naughty)
A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his Mom is preparing a meal and says, "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"
The startled mother recovers quickly and says, "Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."
The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting your time. Because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door comes over and blows daddy right back up!"

(Non#21) Actual Quotes From Sports Commentators

• Weightlifting Commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
• Murray Walker: "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
• Greg Norman: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
• Alan Minter: "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious."
• Ron Atkinson: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it -- you can see it all over their faces."
• Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
• Metro Radio: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
• David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

• Q: What do you call the costume of a ballerina with one leg?

A: A one-one

• Dancing is defined as "A perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire."

• The problem with dancing in the nude is that not everything stops when the music does.

• Sign on a church notice board.  "Good clean dancing every night but Friday."

• Peter joined his local ballroom dancing club and claimed to be an expert dancer. However it quickly emerged that he couldn't dance at all. So he was accused of bearing waltz fitness.

• How different professions lose their jobs.

Male dancers get decamped
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

• Q: What's the difference between a ballet dancer and a pit bull?

A: The jewellery.

• Q: How many ballet dancers does it take to change a light-bulb?

A1: One. She holds the light-bulb and the world revolves around her.
A2: Two. One to hold her diet coke, the other to get her accompanist to do it.
A3: As if she would demean herself that way!
A4: None. It's not in her contract.

• The Russian danseuse probably didn't realize how it sounded when she said, "HOW could he give ze lead in "Les Sylphides" to HER? He knows I am ze best Fokine ballerina in zis company!"

• Showing off what she had learned in class, my sister took a wide second position, then said, "Isn't this ungraceful? What do you think of this position?"

Trying to keep a straight face, I said, "I think it would be very uncomfortable for the man."

• Chided from the balcony during a rehearsal for always seeming to be slightly ahead of the music, a college student/dancer calmly replied: "Well, I can't help it that light travels faster than sound."

• A mother took her six-year old daughter to the ballet. This was the first time the little girl had ever seen a ballet and she watched wide-eyed as the ballerinas pranced around the stage on their toes. When the ballet was over, the mother asked her daughter if she had any questions.

"Yes, Mommy," the little girl replied, "Wouldn't it be easier if they just hired taller dancers?"

• A couple, preparing for conversion, meet with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions. The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"

"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"
"That’s fine," says the rabbi. "It’s a mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO, CERTAINLY NOT!" says the rabbi. "That could lead to dancing!"

• Herman's Hermits - "MRS. BROWN, YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY WALKER"
• The Bee Gees - "HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HIP"
• Bobby Darin - "SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN' A FLASH"
• Ringo Starr - "I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS"
• Roberta Flack - "THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT YOUR FACE"
• Johnny Nash - "I CAN'T SEE CLEARLY NOW"
• Paul Simon - "FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER"
• Commodores - "ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES TO THE BATHROOM"
• Marvin Gaye - "I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPE NUTS"
• Procol Harem - "A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR"
• Leo Sayer - "YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING"
• The Temptations - "PAPA'S GOT A KIDNEY STONE"
• ABBA - "DENTURE QUEEN"
• Elvis - HEARTBREAK HOSPICE
• Dylan - LIKE A KIDNEY STONE
• Queen - WE WERE THE CHAMPIONS
• Beatles - WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY MEDS
• Dion - LIMPAROUND SUE
• The Rolling Stones - LIMPING-JACK FLASH
• Tony Orlando - KNOCK THREE TIMES ON THE CEILING IF YOU HEAR ME FALL
• Lesley Gore - IT'S MY PROCEDURE AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO

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