The non-Jewish jokes of
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set of NON JEWISH jokes
This is the first set of NON JEWISH
(Non#1) The Pope’s blessing
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He
ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti homini" - Blessed be mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that
he had blessed all of mankind, but not womankind.
So the next day, after his sermon, the
Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be mankind
and womankind. The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said they had noticed that he had blessed mankind and womankind and
asked if he could also bless those who are gay. The Pope said,
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon
with, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini, et tuti fruiti."
(Non#2) In the beginning
[My thanks to Frank R for
Little Peter asks his father one day,
"Daddy, how was I born?"
His father replies, "Ah, Peter my son,
I guess one day you’ll need to find out anyway so let me tell you how.
Well, you see, your mother and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date with her via email and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded room where your mother agreed to a download from
my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither
of us was using a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said - You've
(Non#3) Words from the male & female
versions of the English dictionary
[My thanks to Stan C for
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
(Non#4) Children’s science exam answers
Any part under a car's bonnet (F)
The strap fastener on a woman's bra (M)
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Fully opening up one's self emotionally
to another (F)
Playing cricket without a cup (M)
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)
The open sharing of thoughts and feelings
with one's partner (F)
Leaving a note before taking off on a
poker evening with the boys (M)
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
A desire to get married and raise a family
Trying not to talk to other women while
out with this one (M)
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
A good movie, concert, play or book (F)
Anything that can be done while drinking
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
An embarrassing by-product of indigestion
A source of entertainment, self-expression,
male bonding (M)
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
The greatest expression of intimacy a
couple can achieve (F)
Call it whatever you want, just as long
as we do it (M)
[My thanks to Stan for the
These are real answers given by children.
Q: Name the
(Non#5) Religious holiday
A: Salt, pepper, mustard
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down
on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay
milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping
carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your
body as you age?
A: When you get old,
so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a
boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye
to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease
associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial
A: When the farmer does
it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose"
Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on
vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing
anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed
they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts,
sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed
in their tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink,
the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous topless blonde in
a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but
stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and nodding and addressing
each of them individually said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father."
She then passed on by. They were
both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So next day they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear
them before you even saw them. Once again, in their new attire, they settled
on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the
same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string bikini, taking her sweet
time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said,
"Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any
longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?" she said.
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I
have to know, how in the world did you know we are Priests, dressed as
"Father, it's me, Sister Katherine," she
(Non#6) Airline announcements
[My thanks to Stan for the
All too rarely, airline attendants make
an effort to make the in flight safety lecture and announcements a bit
more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
(Non#7) Visit to a mental asylum
On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned
seating, you just sit where you want), passengers were apparently having
a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people
we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior"
flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be
sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,
but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop
at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after
a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome
aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert
the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with
more than one small child, pick your favourite."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees
with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation;
and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore
and take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather
all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very
hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom
and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm
here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault,
it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely
hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome
to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less
than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with
a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,
Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land, or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix,
the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through
the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time
you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies
and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane
is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The
weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after
a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking
to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in
my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
[My thanks to Stan for the
During a visit to the mental asylum, a
visitor asked the Director how it is determined that a patient should be
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up
a bathtub. We then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient
and ask the patient to empty the bathtub. Okay, here's your test.
Would you use the spoon or would you use the teacup or would you use the
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
"A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon
or the cup."
"Noooooo," said the Director. "A normal
person would pull the plug.
(Non#8) Why or who?
(Non#9) Some real instructions seen on
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken
Why can’t women put on mascara with their
Why don't you ever see the headline, "Psychic
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why do you have to click on "Start" to stop
Windows XT or 2000?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour,
while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?
Why isn't there a mouse-flavoured cat food?
Who tastes dog food to check it has a "new
& improved" flavour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
Why don't they make the whole plane out of
the material used for the indestructible black box?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are
all stuck together?
Why do they call the airport "the terminal"
if flying is so safe?
(Non#10) The examination
On a hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(but that's the only time I have to work
on my hair).
On bag of crisps: You could be a winner! No
purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use
like regular soap."
(and that would be how???)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On a tub of Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed
on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product
will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron
clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not
drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate
of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds
off those forklift trucks)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor
or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used
for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this.
I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions:
Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of
this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to
stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(...was there a lot of this happening
A three-year-old little boy was examining
his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," replied his mother
(Non#11) By the year 2040
There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means
that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs
and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
(Non#12) What a wife needs
The husband and wife go to a male counsellor
after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is,
and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had
in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally,
the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses
her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counsellor
turns to the husband and says, "that is what your wife needs at least three
times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies,
"Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I go fishing."
You are marvellously mature when:
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You try to straighten out the wrinkles in
your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle,
pop and you're not eating cereal.
Your back goes out but you stay home.
When you wake up looking like your driver's
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
When your idea of a night out is sitting on
When happy hour is a nap.
When you're on holiday and your energy runs
out before your money does.
When you say something to your kids that your
mother said to you and you always hated it.
When all you want for your birthday is to
not be reminded of your age.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining
Your address book has mostly names that start
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
Getting "lucky" means you found your car in
the parking lot.
The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection
from the sun on your bifocals.
It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt -
You look for your glasses for half an hour
and they were on your head the whole time.
You sink your teeth into a steak - and they
You give up all your bad habits and still
don't feel good.
You have more patience, but it is actually
that you just don't care anymore.
You finally get your head together and your
body starts falling apart.
You wonder how you could be over the hill
when you don't even remember being on top of it.
[My thanks to BMS for the
1. How to impress a woman:
2. How to impress a man:
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Believe in her,
Pray with her,
Pray for her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the Earth and back again
Show up naked,
(Non#15) Differences in age
Bring chicken wings,
Don't block the TV.
[My thanks to Stan for the
What’s the difference between girls/women
aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and
tell her a story.
(Non#16) Another camel joke
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take
her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a
story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes
you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid
going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll
be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed???
Who the hell are you???
A baby camel asks its mother “Why have
we got long eyelashes?”
“That’s because if we are ever caught
in a sand storm in the desert we can keep the sand out of our eyes.”
“And why have we got big wide feet?”
“That’s so that we won’t sink in the sand
when we are trekking through the sand dunes.”
“And why have we got such a really thick
hide on us?”
“That’s so we won’t dehydrate in the 110
degrees heat of the desert.”
“So what the f*** are we doing in London
(Non#17) Honesty is best policy
Two Irish mates, Sean and Patrick, are
having a few pints together when Sean says, “Hey Pat, have you heard about
this great new pub in Camden? You buy one drink for yourself then they
all buy your drinks for you for the rest of the night. Then when the pub
closes they take you out in the beer garden and provide you with sex all
“That sounds like a terrific night out,”
says Pat, “but it sound too good to be true. Who’s been telling about this
“It’s true enough,” replies Sean, “the
whole thing happened to my sister just the other night.”
(Non#18) Bits and pieces
(Non#19) Cowboy reality
Sign on a chemist’s door: “We dispense
From a board report: “Since we began our corporate
stress-reduction programme, production is down and no-one seems to care.”
Definition of stock jobbers said in the year
1715: “It’s a complete system of knavery, founded in fraud, born of deceit
and nourished by trick, cheat, wheedle, forgeries, falsehoods, and all
sorts of delusions; coining false news; whispering imaginary terrors; and
preying upon those they have elevated or depressed.”
From memo to employees: “We have good news
and bad news for you. The bad news is that wages are being cut by 10%.
The good news is that the cut will be backdated to the start of the year.”
From a Newsletter: “People are inclined, when
in the wrong, to lay blame on someone else. We’re like the small boy who
standing on the cat’s tail. His mother, hearing the terrible commotion,
called from an adjoining room. ‘Tommy, stop pulling that cat’s tail.’ ‘I’m
not pulling on it. He’s the one that’s doing the pulling.’”
An old cowboy went into a bar and ordered
a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next
to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole
life on the ranch, herding cows."
He then asked about her.
She replied, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my
whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think
of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think
of women! "
A little while later a couple sat down
next to the old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but
I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
(Non#20) Reverse action (a bit naughty)
A six-year-old walks into the kitchen
where his Mom is preparing a meal and says, "Mom, the last few nights I
have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when
I look to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up
and down. Why are you doing that?"
The startled mother recovers quickly and
says, "Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to
normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."
The little kid just shakes his head and
says, "Mom, you're wasting your time. Because, once a week, that nice-looking
lady next door comes over and blows daddy right back up!"
(Non#21) Actual Quotes From Sports Commentators
(Non#22) Ballet / dancing jokes
Weightlifting Commentator: "This is Gregoriava
from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
Murray Walker: "The lead car is absolutely
unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
Greg Norman: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially
my mother and father."
Alan Minter: "Sure there have been injuries
and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious."
Ron Atkinson: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition
doesn't like it -- you can see it all over their faces."
Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977: "Ah,
isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox
of the Oxford crew."
Metro Radio: "Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There
goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his
Q: What do you call the costume of a ballerina
with one leg?
A: A one-one
Dancing is defined as "A perpendicular expression
of a horizontal desire."
The problem with dancing in the nude is that
not everything stops when the music does.
Sign on a church notice board. "Good
clean dancing every night but Friday."
Peter joined his local ballroom dancing club
and claimed to be an expert dancer. However it quickly emerged that he
couldn't dance at all. So he was accused of bearing waltz fitness.
How different professions lose their jobs.
Male dancers get decamped
Old limbo dancers never die, they just
Q: What's the difference between a ballet
dancer and a pit bull?
A: The jewellery.
Q: How many ballet dancers does it take to
change a light-bulb?
A1: One. She holds the light-bulb and
the world revolves around her.
A2: Two. One to hold her diet coke, the
other to get her accompanist to do it.
A3: As if she would demean herself that
A4: None. It's not in her contract.
The Russian danseuse probably didn't realize
how it sounded when she said, "HOW could he give ze lead in "Les Sylphides"
to HER? He knows I am ze best Fokine ballerina in zis company!"
Showing off what she had learned in class,
my sister took a wide second position, then said, "Isn't this ungraceful?
What do you think of this position?"
Trying to keep a straight face, I said,
"I think it would be very uncomfortable for the man."
Chided from the balcony during a rehearsal
for always seeming to be slightly ahead of the music, a college student/dancer
calmly replied: "Well, I can't help it that light travels faster than sound."
A mother took her six-year old daughter to
the ballet. This was the first time the little girl had ever seen a ballet
and she watched wide-eyed as the ballerinas pranced around the stage on
their toes. When the ballet was over, the mother asked her daughter if
she had any questions.
"Yes, Mommy," the little girl replied,
"Wouldn't it be easier if they just hired taller dancers?"
(Non#23) Baby Boomer Music
A couple, preparing for conversion, meet with
the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have
any final questions. The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons,
men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what
"That’s fine," says the rabbi. "It’s a
mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO, CERTAINLY NOT!" says the rabbi. "That
could lead to dancing!"
Some of the artists from the '60s are
revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us Aging Baby Boomers.
RETURN TO INDEX PAGE
Herman's Hermits - "MRS. BROWN, YOU'VE GOT
A LOVELY WALKER"
The Bee Gees - "HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN
Bobby Darin - "SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN'
Ringo Starr - "I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP
Roberta Flack - "THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT
Johnny Nash - "I CAN'T SEE CLEARLY NOW"
Paul Simon - "FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER"
Commodores - "ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES TO
Marvin Gaye - "I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPE
Procol Harem - "A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR"
Leo Sayer - "YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING"
The Temptations - "PAPA'S GOT A KIDNEY STONE"
ABBA - "DENTURE QUEEN"
Elvis - HEARTBREAK HOSPICE
Dylan - LIKE A KIDNEY STONE
Queen - WE WERE THE CHAMPIONS
Beatles - WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY MEDS
Dion - LIMPAROUND SUE
The Rolling Stones - LIMPING-JACK FLASH
Tony Orlando - KNOCK THREE TIMES ON THE CEILING
IF YOU HEAR ME FALL
Lesley Gore - IT'S MY PROCEDURE AND I'LL CRY
IF I WANT TO
go to second
non Jewish set
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