The non-Jewish jokes of awordinyoureye.com

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This is the first set of NON JEWISH  jokes


(Non#1) The Pope’s blessing
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti homini" - Blessed be mankind.  A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that he had blessed all of mankind, but not womankind.
So the next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be mankind and womankind.  The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said they had noticed that he had blessed mankind and womankind and asked if he could also bless those who are gay.   The Pope said, "OK."
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini, et tuti fruiti."

(Non#2) In the beginning
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
Little Peter asks his father one day, "Daddy, how was I born?"
His father replies, "Ah, Peter my son, I guess one day you’ll need to find out anyway so let me tell you how. Well, you see, your mother and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date with her via email and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us was using a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said - You've Got Male.”

(Non#3) Words from the male & female versions of the English dictionary
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Any part under a car's bonnet (F)
The strap fastener on a woman's bra (M)

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another (F)
Playing cricket without a cup (M)

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner (F)
Leaving a note before taking off on a poker evening with the boys (M)

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
A desire to get married and raise a family (F)
Trying not to talk to other women while out with this one (M)

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
A good movie, concert, play or book (F)
Anything that can be done while drinking beer (M)

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
An embarrassing by-product of indigestion (F)
A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding (M)

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve (F)
Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it (M)

(Non#4) Children’s science exam answers
[My thanks to Stan for the following]
These are real answers given by children.
Q:    Name the four seasons.
A:    Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q:    How is dew formed?
A:    The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q:    How can you delay milk turning sour?
A:    Keep it in the cow.

Q:    What are steroids?
A:    Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q:    What happens to your body as you age?
A:    When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q:    What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A:    He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q:    Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A:    Premature death.

Q:    What is artificial insemination?
A:    When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q:    What is the fibula?
A:    A small lie.

Q:    What does "varicose" mean?
A:    Nearby

(Non#5) Religious holiday
Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and nodding and addressing each of them individually said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father."
She then passed on by.  They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?" she said.
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Katherine," she replied.

(Non#6) Airline announcements
[My thanks to Stan for the following]
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight safety lecture and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: -

(Non#7) Visit to a mental asylum
[My thanks to Stan for the following]
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how it is determined that a patient should be institutionalised.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. We then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub.  Okay, here's your test. Would you use the spoon or would you use the teacup or would you use the bucket?"
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the cup."
"Noooooo," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug.

(Non#8) Why or who?

(Non#9) Some real instructions seen on labels (Non#10) The examination
A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," replied his mother

(Non#11) By the year 2040
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.  This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

(Non#12) What a wife needs
The husband and wife go to a male counsellor after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counsellor turns to the husband and says, "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I go fishing."

(Non#13) Maturity
You are marvellously mature when:

(Non#14) Impressions
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
1. How to impress a woman:
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Encourage her,
Believe in her,
Pray with her,
Pray for her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.
2. How to impress a man:
Show up naked,
Bring chicken wings,
Don't block the TV.
(Non#15) Differences in age
[My thanks to Stan for the following]
What’s the difference between girls/women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story???  What bed???  Who the hell are you???
(Non#16) Another camel joke
A baby camel asks its mother “Why have we got long eyelashes?”
“That’s because if we are ever caught in a sand storm in the desert we can keep the sand out of our eyes.”
“And why have we got big wide feet?”
“That’s so that we won’t sink in the sand when we are trekking through the sand dunes.”
“And why have we got such a really thick hide on us?”
“That’s so we won’t dehydrate in the 110 degrees heat of the desert.”
“So what the f*** are we doing in London Zoo?”

(Non#17) Honesty is best policy
Two Irish mates, Sean and Patrick, are having a few pints together when Sean says, “Hey Pat, have you heard about this great new pub in Camden? You buy one drink for yourself then they all buy your drinks for you for the rest of the night. Then when the pub closes they take you out in the beer garden and provide you with sex all night long.”
“That sounds like a terrific night out,” says Pat, “but it sound too good to be true. Who’s been telling about this place?”
“It’s true enough,” replies Sean, “the whole thing happened to my sister just the other night.”

(Non#18) Bits and pieces

(Non#19) Cowboy reality
An old cowboy went into a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows."
He then asked about her.
She replied, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women! "
A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

(Non#20) Reverse action (a bit naughty)
A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his Mom is preparing a meal and says, "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"
The startled mother recovers quickly and says, "Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."
The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting your time. Because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door comes over and blows daddy right back up!"

(Non#21) Actual Quotes From Sports Commentators

(Non#22) Ballet / dancing jokes (Non#23) Baby Boomer Music
Some of the artists from the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us Aging Baby Boomers. They include: RETURN TO INDEX PAGE

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