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THE NINTH SET OF NAUGHTIER JEWISH JOKES
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(XXX#170) The prize toast
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Hymie’s golf club is giving a prize for the best toast of the evening. When it’s Hymie’s turn, he raises his glass and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!"
And that wins him the top prize and everyone at the club congratulates him. When he returns home, he tells his wife Sadie, "Guess what, darling? I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
"That's nice," says Sadie, "So tell me already. What was your toast?"
Hymie replies, "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting next to my wife in shul."
"Oh Hymie," says Sadie, "that’s a really beautiful toast."
The next day, as she’s going to the local supermarket, Sadie meets one of Hymie’s golf club friends. When he sees her, he smiles in a leery fashion and says, "Hi Sadie. Did Hymie tell you he won first prize last night with a toast about you?"
"Yes he did tell me," replies Sadie. "But I was a bit surprised because he’s only been there twice in the last six months.  The first time he fell asleep, and the second time, on Yom Kippur, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

(XXX#171) He does as he’s told
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Benny goes to have his prostate checked but when he arrives at the clinic, he’s surprised to be met by a very attractive young female urologist. "Don’t be shocked," she says to him, "there are now quite a few of us women entering the field of Urology. I’m very good at my job, really. So just get up on my couch, take off your lower garments and relax."
Benny does as he’s told.
She puts on some gloves, goes over to him and says, "I’m now going to check your prostate. You’ll notice that my procedure is a little different to what you’re probably expecting, but it won’t hurt. Please lie on your right side and raise your knees to your chest."
Benny does as he’s told.
"Good," she says. "Now while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say ninety-nine."
Benny does as he is told and says, "ninety-nine."
After 30 seconds of probing, the doctor says, "OK, now turn over onto your left side, keeping your knees raised to your chest.
Benny does as he’s told.
"Good," she says. "Now as before, take a deep breath and say ninety-nine while I do my checking."
Benny does as he’s told and says, "ninety-nine."
After another 30 seconds of probing, the doctor says, "Very good.  Now for my final check. Please turn over onto your back, keeping your knees raised. I will then check your prostate with one hand whilst holding onto your penis with the other. It will only take a few seconds. And as before, while I’m checking take a deep breath and say ninety-nine."
Benny is no shmuck. He does as he’s told, and says, "One...two...three..."

(XXX#172) What’s with this?
80 year old Rebecca, who has never married, lives in Golders Green and is much admired by the community there for her kindness and her tsodoka. One spring afternoon, Rabbi Levy calls on her. She welcomes him into her house and invites him to sit down while she makes for him ‘a nice glass tea.’
As he is waiting, Rabbi Levy notices a Hammond organ against the wall. On the organ is a cut glass vase filled with water and he’s shocked to see a condom floating in the water. "Oy veh," he says quietly, "she’s gone meshugga."
Rebecca returns with tea and buttered matzo and they begin to chat. Although Rabbi Levy tries hard not to mention the vase and its content, he just can’t avoid raising the subject. "Rebecca," he says, pointing to the vase, "Vos is dos?"
"That’s my miracle," she replies. "I was walking down Hendon Road last November when I found a little packet on the ground. When I opened it, the instructions said it would prevent disease if put on the organ and kept wet. And guess what, Rabbi? I haven't had a cold all winter."

tsodoka: charity
vos is dos?:  What is this; what’s with this?

(XXX#173) Can you see this?
Leah goes to see doctor Levy, a Harley Street optician, for an eye test. After asking Leah some basic questions, doctor Levy holds up a chart and says, "Can you read the letters on this chart, Leah?"
"No," replies Leah.
Doctor Levy holds up another chart, this time with bigger letters. "Can you see the letters on this chart, Leah?"
Again, Leah replies, "No."
So Doctor Levy holds up yet another chart, this one has very large letters, and asks Leah, "So, Leah, you must be able to see these letters?"
But once again Leah replies, "Sorry, but I can’t."
Feeling very exasperated, doctor Levy takes out his shlong in front of Leah and asks, "Can you see this, Leah?"
"Oy veh," says Leah, "that I can see very clearly."
"Well that’s your problem, then" says doctor Levy, "you’re cockeyed."

Shlong: male organ

(XXX#174) Definition
Definition of a shmuck: a guy who leaves the shower to take a pish.

Pish: to urinate

(XXX#175) Dog tricks
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Aaron and Lionel are good friends and meet in Brent Cross shopping centre for a chat. Soon they are talking about their wives. "Would you mind, Aaron," asks Lionel, "if I ask you a very intimate question?"
"Of course not," replies Aaron, "you’re my friend."
"OK," says Lionel, "tell me - do you and your lovely Rebecca ever make love ‘doggy style’?"
"Well not exactly," replies Aaron, "Mine Rebecca is much more into the dog tricks aspect of love making."
"Oh, I see," says Lionel, "she’s a bit kinky, is she?"
"Well, not exactly," replies Aaron, "I sit up and beg and she rolls over and pretends to be dead."

(XXX#176) When Miriam meets Arnold
Miriam meets Arnold at her Israeli dance class and they agree to see each other again at the weekend. When they meet, they get on so well that she invites him back to her flat.  After a few drinks, things begin to get very steamy – and that’s when Miriam starts to notice some odd behavior in Arnold. First of all, as soon as he takes off his shirt, he goes straight into the kitchen and washes his hands. Then five minutes later, as soon as he takes off his trousers, he again goes into the kitchen and washes his hands.
"I bet you’re a dentist," says Miriam, who always likes to speak her mind.
This surprises Arnold. "Yes, I am," he replies. "How did you come to that conclusion?"
"Oh, it was easy," replies Miriam, smiling, "you keep on washing your hands. Now let’s get into bed."
After they finish making love, Miriam turns to Arnold and says, "You must be an extremely good dentist."
"Well … yes I am," says Arnold, modestly, "how did you know?"
"Because I didn't feel a thing," replies Miriam.

(XXX#177) Moshe the Jokenik
Moshe the Jokenik is an official in King Arthur's court, but unfortunately for Moshe, he’s got an obsession with the beautiful Queen Guinevere’s breasts. He wants to touch them, even to kiss them, but Moshe is not meshugga. He knows that the penalty for doing this is, oy veh, death by a thousand cuts.
One day Moshe reveals his secret desire to his friend, Aaron the Doctor, who is King Arthur’s senior physician. When Aaron learns of Moshe’s problem, he comes up with a great idea to make himself some money. "I think I can help you satisfy your desire, Moshe," he says, "but it will cost you 100 gold nuggets. What do you think?"
"If the idea is good," replies Moshe, "then I’ll pay you. What’s your scheme?"
When Aaron finishes explaining, Moshe instantly agrees.
Next morning, Aaron makes some itching powder and while Queen Guinevere is taking a bath, pours a little powder into her 36D bra cups. When she later gets dressed, she starts to itch and the itching grows more intense by the minute. When Aaron is summoned to her room, he examines her and then informs the King, "Your Majesty, to cure the Queen’s problem, she needs a special kind of saliva to be applied to her breasts for 30 minutes."
"And where are we to get this special saliva?" asks King Arthur.
"I know from one of my earlier tests," replies Aaron, "that only fresh saliva from Moshe the Jokenik is going to work."
Moshe arrives soon after being summoned. He has the real antidote to the itching powder hidden neatly inside his mouth. Then his dream comes true - for the next 30 minutes, he has his mouth on Queen Guinevere's breasts and when her itching finally goes, Moshe leaves in a state of ecstasy.
When he returns to his room, Aaron is waiting for him. "I’ve come for my 100 gold nuggets."
But with his obsession now satisfied, Moshe is no longer willing to keep his side of the bargain. "I don’t think what you did was anything special, nor did it cost you much money. So here are 10 gold nuggets. Please now leave, the matter is closed."
Moshe knows, of course, that Aaron can never report this treachery to King Arthur. But the next day, Aaron slips a large dose of itching powder into King Arthur’s codpiece. Later, the King quickly summons Moshe the Jokenik.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS "PLEASE PAY YOUR BILLS IN FULL"

(XXX#178) The best beauty treatment
This is not a joke. Sex really is good for you, say the doctors. Scientific tests show that: -

(XXX#179) EXCHANGE OF LETTERS: Part 1 - To my dear wife
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: (XXX#180) EXCHANGE OF LETTERS: Part 2 - To my dear husband
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did: (XXX#181) Do you have one of these?
[My thanks to Stan for the following]
60 year old Rivkah goes into her local sex shop. As soon as she enters, everyone there notices how unstable she is on her feet. Very shakily, she wobbles the few feet across the shop to the counter, grabs it for support, and asks the assistant behind the counter, "Dddoo youuu selll ddiilldoss?"
The assistant, trying not to laugh, replies, "Yes, we have many different types of dildo in stock."
"Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,ttenn inchessss lllong  aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk?" asks Rivkah.
The assistant replies, "Yes we do."
"Maazzeltovvv. Ddddoo yyoouu kknnooww hhowww tttooo tturrrnnn ittt offffff?"

(XXX#182) A beautiful display
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
65 year old Hymie meets his 70 year old friend Sidney in Golders Green one day.  "Noo, what’s new?" Sidney asks.
"Oy! You’ll never believe what’s happened to me," replies Hymie.
"So tell me already," says Sidney.
"I vent for a holiday last veek to Bournemouth," says Hymie, "and I found this place where all the girls do sometink. And I meet a beautiful lady there. And vat lovely tsitskehs she had. Then she takes me to see her room. As soon as ve’re inside, she removes my trousers and pants and she … vell you know … she makes me hard. Then she sprays vipped cream from a can around my putz, shprinkles on some nuts and raisons, puts a glazed cherry on top and then…and then…."
"Go on Hymie," says Sidney excitedly, "so tell me what she did next."
"She ate it all up," replies Hymie.
"Mazeltov, you lucky old momzer," says Sidney. "I’m going to Bournemouth next week. Can you give me her name and phone number?"
"Of course, Sidney," replies Hymie, "for you, anything."
A few weeks later they bump into each other again. "Nu," Hymie asks, "so vat happened on your holiday?"
"It was just like you told me," replies Sidney. "I get to Bournemouth, I ring her, she meets me, she takes me to her room, she takes off my trousers and pants, and she makes me hard. Then she sprays whipped cream around my putz, sprinkles on some nuts and raisons, puts a glazed cherry on top and then and then…oh Hymie, what a groisser potz I was, it looked so good that I ate it myself."

putz: penis
tsitskehs: breasts
groisser potz: big idiot
shprinkles: sprinkles
momzer: bastard

(XXX#183) The nurses visits
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
When Lionel was born, his parents decided not to have him circumcised, despite objections from their rabbi. So Lionel spends the first 18 years of his life avoiding talking about his lack of Jewishness. Then one day he decides to solve the problem – he books himself into hospital to be circumcised.
The day following his operation, Bernie, one of his friends, stops by to see how Lionel is doing. While he’s sitting with Lionel in his private hospital room, Bernie’s amazed at the frequency in which a different nurse enters Lionel’s room. Some come with fresh glasses of water, some with bowls of fruit and some with magazines and books. Some offer to make his bed again, some re-take his temperature and blood pressure, and some offer to give him a relaxing massage.
"You lucky so and so," says Bernie, "what’s with all this attention from the nurses? You look OK to me."
"I feel OK too," replies Lionel, with a large smile on his face, "but when the nurses heard that my circumcision required twenty-five stitches, they immediately formed a little fan club for me."

(XXX#184) Riddle
Q: Why do Princess’s wear gold diaphragms?
A: Because their husbands like coming into money.
 

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