(XXX#155) The Rabbi's cough drops
It’s bitterly cold outside the shul. Inside, Rabbi Bloom is getting fed up with the constant coughing that’s disturbing his sermon, so after the service ends, he goes over to old Hyman the shammes and tells him that he needs his help to solve the problem. Rabbi Bloom tells Hyman to have a large bowl of cough drops ready in shul for his next sermon and instructs him to give one cough drop to any shul member who begins coughing.
So next shabbes, during the rabbi’s sermon and following orders, every time a member coughs, Hyman walks over and hands out a cough drop. Rabbi Bloom watches this out of the corner of his eye and notices that each time Hyman does this, the member immediately gets up and walks out of the shul. At the end of the service, half the members are gone, so Rabbi Bloom goes over to Hyman and asks, "Nu, Hyman? So what did you say to the members that made them leave the shul?"
Hyman replies, "So vat did I say? All that I said wuz, 'the Rabbi said for cough’."

(XXX#156) Bubbeh’s first cruise
Ethel, an 80 year old alteh moid, is going on her first cruise, courtesy of her children and grandchildren. As she boards the ship, Ethel shows her ticket to the purser. He looks at it and says, "Oh, I see you have U.D."
"U.D.? Voos is U.D.?" asks Ethel.
"U.D. is Upper Deck," replies the purser.
Ethel goes to the upper deck and when she shows her ticket to the purser there, he says, "I see that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C."
"O.C.? Voos is O.C.?" asks Ethel.
"O.C. is Outside Cabin," replies the purser.
Ethel is delighted. She goes down the corridor and when she shows her ticket to the cabin boy, he says, "Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."
"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asks Ethel.
"B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed," replies the cabin boy.
"Oy yoy yoy," says Ethel, "mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."
Next morning, bright and early, two waiters enter Ethel’s room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed. She wakes up with a start, looks at them and says, "F.U.C.K."
Shocked, one of them asks, "F.U.C.K.? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?"
"F.U.C.K. is Foist U Could Knock," replies Ethel.

alteh moid: a spinster, an old maid

(XXX#157) The powerful desire
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Yossel Abramovitz works in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he suddenly develops a very powerful desire to put his shlong in the pickle slicer. After three months of restraint, Yossel can’t stand it any more and decides to seek professional help for this infatuation of his. He then spends many sessions with a psychiatrist who finally gives up on him.
"Yossel," says the psychiatrist, "because your desire to put your penis in the pickle slicer is so powerful, the only way to get over it is to actually do it."
"OK," says Yossel, "I’ll do it first thing tomorrow morning at work. I promise."
And next day, Yossel does what he promised. But at 11am, he arrives back at his house. This worries his wife Sarah and she asks him why he’s home so early. Yossel tells her for the first time about his desire; that he couldn't take it any more, and that today he did it and got fired as a result.
Sarah gasps, runs over to him, pulls down his trousers and pants – and sees his shlong perfectly normal and intact. She looks up at him and says, "I don't understand, Yossel, what happened to the pickle slicer?"
"She got fired too," replies Yossel.

shlong: (vulgar) penis

(XXX#158) What an ass
[My thanks to Moshe for the following]
Sidney goes to Doctor Myers for a check-up and returns home with a thermometer. His wife Miriam asks him, "So what’s with the thermometer, darling?"
"Doctor Myers says I must put it in my rectum, but I don’t know what he means," he replies.
"Well I don’t know either," says Miriam, "so call him and ask."
"Isn’t it a bit late to call the doctor?" asks Sidney.
"But you’ve no choice," says Miriam.
So Sidney calls the doctor. When he puts the phone down, Miriam asks, "So what did he say?"
"The doctor told me to put it in my anus," replies Sidney.
They are now both farfufket as to what an anus is.
"So call him again," says Miriam.
"But it’s very late already," says Sidney, "I’m sure he’s going to be mad."
"Maybe, but please call him and ask him," insists Miriam.
So very reluctantly Sidney calls Doctor Myers yet again and after a very brief conversation puts down the phone.
"So what did he say this time?" asks Miriam.
"See, I told you he’d be broyges," replies Sidney, "he shouted at me and told me to shove it up my *rse."

farfufket: befuddled, disoriented
broyges: angry

(XXX#159) On the beach – part 1
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
As part of his growing up process, Isaac and Renee take their 6 year old son Aaron to a nude beach. As Isaac and Aaron take a walk along the sands, Aaron notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mum’s, so he runs back to ask her why.
"The bigger they are, Aaron, the sillier the lady is," explains Renee.
Aaron is pleased with her answer and goes away to play. But 5 minutes later he returns to tell Renee that many of the men have larger things than his dad has.
"The bigger they are, Aaron, the dumber the man is," explains Renee.
He is again very pleased with her answer and goes back to play.
5 minutes later, Aaron is back again and promptly tells Renee, "Mum, dad is talking to the silliest lady on the beach and the longer he talks to her, the dumber he gets."

(XXX#160) On the beach – part 2
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Isaac falls asleep on a beach for several hours and gets sunburned. His legs are the worst and they are already starting to blister. In agony, Isaac goes to the local hospital and is immediately admitted after being diagnosed with 2nd degree burns.
Dr Cohen tells the nurse, "This man needs continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours."
The nurse is astonished by this and says, "Dr Cohen, what good will Viagra do him?"
"It'll keep the sheets off his legs," replies Dr Cohen.

(XXX#161) The real thing
Jonathan and Talia are celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary. In all those 20 years, every time they’ve make love, Jonathan has insisted they do it with the light off. Talia thinks it’s all to do with his not wanting to be seen naked. But today, on their anniversary, she decides to try to rid him of his embarrassment - she really believes that she can cure him of his habit.  That night, while they’re having a great shtup, Talia suddenly turns on the bedside lamp and sees Jonathan with a vibrator in his hand - a soft penis shaped one, but much larger than the real thing. She is shocked and very, very angry.
"You impotent momzer," she screams at him, "how could you have lied to me all these years? You’d better explain or you won’t see me again."
Jonathan looks at her and calmly says, "OK. I'll explain the vibrator ….you explain our children."

(XXX#162) The divorce
Maurice and Sadie, a young orthodox couple, are in the divorce court and the judge has come to what he thinks is a good settlement. When all appears to be agreed, the Judge asks them, "Is there anything else?"
Sadie replies, "Yes, your Honor, I also need a 'get'."
"A what?" asks the Judge.
At that point, Maurice’s solicitor explains that get was a Jewish divorce and that his client had no objection if it was to be included in the judgment.
Sadie, realizing the Judge's lack of knowledge regarding the Jewish religion, then adds, "Your Honor, do you know the difference between a get and a bris?"
"No," replies the Judge, "what is the difference?"
"With a get," Sadie explains, "you get rid of the whole shmuck."

(XXX#163) The following is just for you, dear reader

Dear reader
If you had great sex last night, please don’t say anything to anyone, just smile.
Thank you
PS   Did I catch you smiling just then?

(XXX#165) The misdemeanour
Sarah is on a dinner date. When she gets to the Golders Green restaurant, she is shown to her table. Her date has not yet arrived. She puts down her handbag and waits. After 10 minutes he still hasn’t arrived so she decides to tidy herself up to make sure that she looks perfect for him. She bends down and starts rummaging through her handbag, looking for her mirror. Unfortunately, as she is bending down, she accidentally lets go a loud fortz just as a waiter is walking by. Sarah immediately sits up straight. She’s embarrassed and red faced and sure that everyone in the restaurant heard her ‘misdemeanour’ so she quickly turns to the waiter and shouts, "Stop that."
The waiter looks at her and keeping a straight face says, "Of course, madam, which way was it headed?"

fortz: fart

(XXX#166) Improving productivity
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Freda and Kitty hear about a very new and advanced restaurant called ‘MODERN MINKY’S which has just opened in Hendon and decide to try it out. When the waiter arrives to take their order, Kitty notices that he has a spoon sticking out of his shirt pocket – in fact she notices that all the waiters have spoons sticking out of their shirt pockets. She thinks this very odd and after they give their order, she mentions it to Freda. Freda says, "Why not ask the waiter about the spoon when he returns?"
The waiter arrives with their chicken soup and Kitty says, "Excuse me for asking, but why the spoon?"
"Well," he explains, "when the restaurant first opened, Mr Minky hired BALEBOSS CONSULTING to ensure that our productivity was at its highest level. After a full analysis, they told us that every time a spoon is dropped, it takes time to pick it up, take it to the kitchen and return with a new one. BALEBOSS said that if the waiters were better prepared, we could reduce these unnecessary kitchen trips and the restaurant would save 40 man hours per week. So we all carry a spoon now."
Freda and Kitty thank him for the explanation and he leaves them to enjoy the soup. But then, guess what? Freda accidentally drops her spoon whilst half way through her soup. Almost immediately their waiter appears and quickly replaces the dropped spoon with the spare one from his pocket. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen," he says, "it’ll save me having to make an extra trip to get it right now."
Kitty is impressed but then notices a small piece of string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, she sees that all the waiters have pieces of string hanging from their flies. So before he can walk away, she points to the string and says, "Excuse me, but what’s with the string?"
"It’s simple, madam," he quietly replies. "BALEBOSS also discovered that we waiters can save time when we have to visit the toilet. By tying string to the tip of our ….  you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and thus eliminate the need to wash our hands afterwards. This reduces the time we spend in the toilet."
"But after you get it out," asks Kitty giggling, "how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispers, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

(XXX#167) At the tattoo parlour
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
Miriam goes into a tattoo parlour in Tel Aviv and says to the artist on duty, "I’d like the words ‘Happy Purim’ tattooed on my right thigh please, just below my bikini line."
"Of course, madam," he says, "anything else?"
"Yes," replies Miriam, "put a picture of a hamentash underneath the words."
"No problem," he says, "will that be all?"
"No," replies Miriam. "On my other thigh, also just below my bikini line, I’d like the words, ‘Happy Pesach’ with a picture of a matzo underneath the words."
So the artist gets going and some time later completes his work of art. The tattoos look great. As Miriam is getting dressed, he says to her, "I don’t mean to pry, but why did you want such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
"Because I'm fed up with my husband always complaining that there's nothing good to eat between Purim and Pesach," she replies.

hamentash: a pastry stuffed with poppy seed (or prune), usually eaten at Purim
Purim: a Jewish festival
Pesach: a Jewish festival

(XXX#168) His new shoes
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Abe, a shlemiel, walks to work every day and each day stops to look in the window of a shoe shop to admire a particular pair of Giovani hand-made black leather shoes. Every time he sees them, he falls more in love with them. To him they look fantastic - they’re shiny, stylish and very, very expensive. He says to himself, "they might be expensive, but the girls will just love me in these shoes. I must have them."
Two months later, he’s saved the £400 for the shoes and buys them. He then wears them for the first time at his shul’s Sunday Singles Dance. During the evening, he asks Judith to dance with him. As they dance he says, "Judith, I bet you’re wearing red knickers?"
Startled, Judith replies, "Yes, I’m wearing red knickers. How did you know?"
Abe replies, "I saw their reflection in my new £400 Giovani leather shoes."
Later, he asks Leah to dance with him. As they dance he asks, "Leah, I bet you’re wearing blue knickers?"
Startled, Leah replies, "Yes, I’m wearing blue knickers. How did you know?"
Abe replies, "I saw their reflection in my new £400 Giovani leather shoes."
Later on, as the end of the evening grows near and the last song is being played, Abe asks Ruth to dance with him. As they are dancing, Abe’s face turns bright red. He says, "Ruth, I’m very worried. I don’t think you’re wearing any knickers tonight. Please tell me if I’m right."
"Yes Abe," replies Ruth with a naughty smile, "it’s true - I’m not wearing any knickers tonight."
Abe utters a sigh of relief and says, "Thank God. I thought I had a crack in my new £400 Giovani leather shoes."

shlemiel: a fool, a bungler

(XXX#169) The chassid’s dilemma
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
A chassid is standing near his hotel’s reception desk about an hour before shabbes, all dressed up in his special shabbes clothes, when an utterly gorgeous blonde El Al air hostess checks in. As she starts to walk towards the lifts, she sees the chassid and stops dead in her tracks. She walks quickly over to him and with a big friendly smile says, "Hello."
"Hello to you too," he replies.
"I have a confession to make to you," she says.
"Really?" he asks.
"Yes really," she says. "I have a sexual fantasy."
"What kind?" he asks.
"I’ve always wanted to be with a chassidic man," she says. "I want to run my hands over his tzitzit, twirl his peyess, take off his gatkes, squeeze his hinten, and cradle his baitsim. In fact I want to yentz right now. I have a room upstairs, so will you join me right now for half an hour of excitement?"
He looks at her thoughtfully and replies, "Vemen barestu? What's in it for me?"

chassid, chassidic: member of ultra-orthodox sect
tzitzit : the fringes at the corner of a prayer shawl
peyess; side curls worn by ultra orthodox males
gatkes: long johns, underpants
hinten: toches, backside
baitsim: balls
yentz: make love
vemen barestu?: who are you kidding?
 

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