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(XXX#135) The inexperienced couple
Yitzhak and Leah decide to marry. However, they are both so inexperienced that neither knows what they have to do on their wedding night. So they go to Rabbi Bloom for advice.
After hearing their story, Rabbi Bloom takes them upstairs to his bedroom and says to Leah, "I want you to get undressed and get on my bed. I’ll get undressed too and then I’ll be able to show you both exactly what you will have to do on your wedding night."
So Leah gets undressed as she was told and gets up on the bed. Rabbi Bloom then begins to demonstrate on Leah the steps and actions involved in making love. From start to finish!
As soon as Rabbi Bloom finishes, he starts getting dressed, saying to Yitzhak, "Well, that’s what you have to do, Yitzhak. You can see that it has worked by the lovely glowing look on Leah’s face. So now I suggest you take her home and practice what I’ve shown you."
But then Leah interrupts and says, "Hold on Rabbi, could you please show Yitzhak again what to do. He’s a little forgetful."
Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.
(XXX#137) A wise man
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Hymie is talking to Max. "I wish my zaydeh (grandfather) were still alive today," he says.
"Why’s that, Hymie," asks Max.
"Because he always had pearls of wisdom to pass onto me," replies Hymie,
"So was he a wise man?" asks Max.
"Wise?" replies Max, "of course he was wise. I remember once we were sitting on a park bench watching some mothers and their children playing around and enjoying themselves when he turned to me and said, ‘Hymie, be sure to marry a Jewish girl with small hands.’
‘Why, zaydeh?’ I asked.
‘Because they’ll make your pecker look bigger,’ he answered."
(XXX#138) A useful hobby
[My thanks to Stephen for the following]
Rose is talking to her friend Sharon. "Did you know, Sharon, that I’ve been married 3 times?"
"No I didn’t," replies Sharon, "did you love all three of your husbands equally?"
"No I didn’t," replies Rose. "My first husband Alan was a gynaecologist, but he would only look at it. My second husband Henry was a psychiatrist, but he would only talk to it. But I loved my third husband David the best. He was a stamp collector."
(XXX#139) Mine lips you can kiss
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Although Rivkah’s husband Aaron died almost five years ago, she’s finding it very difficult to come to terms with her loss and she often acts as if she’s still in mourning. Naomi, her daughter, is constantly urging her to get back into the living world, but up to now is having no luck.
But then one day, Naomi is surprised to hear her mother say to her, "OK, I’ll go out, but I don’t know anyone to go out with."
Naomi quickly says, "Don’t worry, mum. I know someone you’ll really like. His name is Cyril."
Cyril and Rivkah became a couple almost instantly and after dating for nearly two months, Cyril asks Rivkah whether she would like to spend the coming weekend with him at the Grand Hotel, Eastbourne. "Of course, Cyril," she replies.
On their first night at the hotel, they both start to undress. Soon, Rivkah is standing there naked except for a pair of black lacy panties and Cyril is in his birthday suit. Cyril looks at her and asks, "Nu? So vy the black panties?"
Rivkah replies, "Mine lips you can kiss, mine neck you can nuzzle, mine breasts you can fondle and mine body you can explore. But down… you-know-where, I’m still in mourning."
Cyril realises that this night is not going to be his night for L-O-V-E. But he’s patient and cunning. The same thing happens the next night – Rivkah stands there wearing her black panties and Cyril wears nothing....except this time he’s wearing a black condom.
Rivkah looks at him and asks, "What's with this black condom?"
"I vant to offer my deepest condolences," replies Cyril.
(XXX#140) Yiddish story
[My thanks to Malcolm for the following]
Fay and Ethel are two alte maidel shvesters (old sisters), both of whom are virgins. One evening, Fay says to Ethel, "Ich vilt nish shtarben a virgin (I don't want to die a virgin). Ich gayen arum and ich nist kimpt ahaim until I've been shtupped." (I'm going out and I'm not coming home until I've been laid).
Ethel replies, "Vell OK, but make sure you're home by 10 o’clock so I shouldn't vurry about you."
10 o'clock comes and goes and there's no sign of Fay, then 11 o'clock and midnight. Finally, just after 1 o’clock in the morning, the front door opens and in walks Fay. She heads straight for the bathroom.
Ethel is worried so she knocks on the bathroom door and shouts, "Do bist goot, Fay?" (Are you OK Fay?)
No answer, so she opens the bathroom door and sees Fay sitting there with her panties around her ankles, legs ousgashprait (wide apart) and her head stuck between her legs looking in her "knish" (you figure it out!).
"Vous is de mair (what's the matter)?" asks Ethel.
Fay replies, "It vuz ten inches long ven it vent in and only five inches ven it kimpt oise (came out). Ven I find the other half, Ethel, you too can have the time of your life."
(XXX#141) Zip problems
Naomi is waiting for a bus to take her to Brent Cross shopping centre. When it arrives she tries to get on, but because she’s wearing a very tight mini skirt, she can't get her leg up onto the first step of the bus. So she reaches behind her, undoes her zipper a little and tries again to get on the bus. But she can’t - her skirt is still very tight. So she again reaches behind her and undoes the zipper a little bit more. But she still can’t lift her leg.
She’s getting a bit flummoxed (anxious) now because there are people behind her waiting to get on. So she reaches behind her a 3rd time and yanks the zip all the way down. But she can’t believe it – she still can’t lift her leg.
Just then, the man directly behind her picks her up and drops her into the bus. Instead of thanking him, Naomi turns to him and says angrily, "How dare you? Only a close friend would dare do such a thing."
The man smiles at her and says, "Please forgive me. After the expert way you dealt with my zipper, I really thought we were friends."
(XXX#142) A good check up
Just before her 70th birthday, Kitty says to her husband, "You know what Harry? I think I'll go see Dr. Besser and get myself checked over. I haven’t been to see him for ages."
"That’s a good idea, darling," says Harry.
Two days later, Kitty is telling Dr. Besser why she’s come. "I haven’t had a check-up for over 25years and I think it wise to have one now," she tells him.
"I agree," he says. "Get undressed, put on this gown and go sit down on the bed over there. Then I’ll look you over."
As soon as she’s done what he’s asked, Dr. Besser goes over to her, puts his hand under the gown, lifts her right breast and tells her, "Say 99."
"99," says Kitty.
"Nothing wrong there," says Dr. Besser. He then lifts her left breast and again says to her, "Say 99."
"99," says Kitty.
"This one’s fine too," says Dr. Besser. "Now I’ll like to check out your other vitals. Lie down on the bed and put your feet in the stirrups."
Kitty does what the doctor asked. Dr. Besser puts on a rubber glove, rubs on some KY jelly and starts to check out Kitty’s private parts for any problem signs. He once again says to her, "Say 99."
This time Kitty replies, "One, two three, four ........"
(XXX#143) It’s wonderful
Whilst out shopping in Hendon with her grandchildren, Hannah is forced to let her small grandson pee in the gutter. As she watches him do his thing, Hannah can’t help but praise aloud, in no uncertain terms, what she sees.
"Oh, how gorgeous, how cute, how wonderful, and how BIG it is."
Standing on the other side of the road is Moshe and he’s been watching and hearing the event over the road. Then Moshe shouts over to Hannah, "Lady, if you’re such a maven, such an expert in such male things, why don’t you come over here and give me an estimate also."
(XXX#144) The braggers
Abe is flying home to London on a BA scheduled flight after attending a business meeting in Paris. A Frenchman and an Italian are seated next to him. After a while, the three get talking about their home lives.
"Last night," brags the Frenchman, "I made love to my wife four times and this morning she made me delicious crepes and told me how much she adored me."
"That’s nothing," responds the Italian, "last night I made love to my wife six times and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love any other man."
Abe remains silent, so the Frenchman asks him, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night, monsieur?"
"Once," Abe replies.
"Only once?" snorts the Italian, arrogantly, "and what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop," replies Abe.
(XXX#145) A letter to an Agony Aunt
Dear Naomi(XXX#146) Money first
I am getting married next month to a gorgeous girl called Miriam and our reception is going to be held at the Dorchester hotel in London.
Because my family’s invitation list totalled 120 people, more than her parents were expecting to pay for, Miriam’s mother Rachel invited me to her house in Hampstead to see what could be done. When I got there, Rachel and I went through my list and we managed to trim it down to 101, including my Rabbi. Rachel said she could accept this number. She is not only young and attractive but also very understanding.
Then, out of the blue, Rachel shocked me. She said that she fancied me and that before I became a married man, she would like to have sex with me. She then turned around and started walking upstairs to the bedroom. Half way up the stairs, she turned around and told me that if I wanted to leave, I knew where the front door was.
I stood there for a few minutes and then made my decision. As I headed out the front door, there was Max, my future father-in-law, leaning on my Lexus. Smiling, Max said to me, "Mazeltov, you’ve passed our little test." He then explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good Jewish boy and would be faithful to their little girl. We then shook hands.
So Naomi, the question is, should I tell Miriam what her parents did and that I thought their test insulted my character? Or should I keep quiet, knowing that the reason I went to my car was to get a condom?
Relieved of Edgware
(XXX#147) Forgotten ticket
Arnold leaves for a 2 day business trip to Paris. As he’s walking to the station, he realises that he’s left his British Airways ticket on the bed. So he returns and quietly enters the house.
There in the kitchen is his Ruth. She’s wearing her skimpiest negligee and she’s standing at the sink washing the breakfast dishes. She looks so inviting that Arnold tiptoes up behind her, reaches out, and squeezes her right breast.
"Leave only one pint of milk," she says without turning, "Arnold won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."
(XXX#148) The Chasid
A Chasid arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. They undress, get into bed and make mad passionate love. Then the Chasid jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, runs out the door, returns, jumps back into bed with the hooker and repeats the performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. The Chasid then jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, runs through the door, returns, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.
This sequence is repeated four times. The hooker is totally amazed. Then after the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So she jumps up, goes to the window, takes a deep breath, runs through the door ….. and finds the other nine members of the Minyan.
(XXX#149) The wrong solution
Moshe is fed up with his Becky because she keeps on asking him how she looks. So he decides to buy her a full length mirror. But this doesn’t give the required result. Becky now continually stands in front of the mirror, looks at herself and still asks him how she looks.
One day, Becky has just got out of the shower and again stands in front of the mirror. This time she starts to complain that her breasts are too small.
"Oy vay," says Moshe to himself, "here we go again."
But he suddenly has an idea. "If you want your breasts to get bigger," he says to Becky, "then I suggest you take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds every day."
Becky is willing to try anything, so she fetches a piece of toilet paper, stands in front of the mirror and starts to rub it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," Moshe replies.
Becky stops rubbing and asks, "Why will rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day make my breasts grow bigger over the years?"
Moshe just shrugs and replies, "Why not? It worked for your toches, didn't it?"
STOP PRESS: Moshe lived to tell the tale and with a great deal of therapy may walk again soon.
(XXX#150) Women’s questionnaire
A recent study was set up for women, asking them how they felt about their arse.
• 85% of women think their arse is too big.(XXX#151) The bridge club
• 10% of women think their arse is too small.
• The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have married him anyway.
(XXX#152) Tit for tat
Sadie, an elderly, rather poorly dressed lady is in a lift in a well known London department store on her way down to the ground floor. On the 4th floor, a beautiful young woman gets into the lift wearing what to Sadie is an expensive perfume. The woman turns to Sadie and says, arrogantly, "Balenciaga, £100 an ounce!"
On the 3rd floor, another beautiful woman smelling of expensive perfume gets into the lift and very arrogantly turns to Sadie and says, "Christine Dior, £150 an ounce!"
When the lift reaches the ground floor, as she leaves the lift, Sadie looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli – 75p a pound."
(XXX#153) The photographer
[My thanks to Ray H for the following]
Shlomo and Sadie have been unable to have children and in desperation decide to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father is to arrive, Shlomo kisses Sadie and says, "He should be here soon so I’d better be off."
But just after Shlomo leaves, a door-to-door baby photographer calls at their house hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"There’s no need to explain," says Sadie, "I've been expecting you. Do come in."
"Oh, really?" says the photographer. "Well then, let me say that I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped," says Sadie, blushing. "So where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me," says the photographer, "I usually try two in the bath, one on the armchair and perhaps a couple on the bed. On the floor is fun too - you can really spread out."
"In the bath, on the floor? No wonder it didn't work for me," says Sadie.
"Well, madam," says the photographer, "none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasps Sadie.
"Madam," says the photographer, "in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Sadie exclaims.
The photographer opens his briefcase and takes out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in Hampstead, London."
"Oh my god," says Sadie.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was difficult to work with," says the photographer, as he hands Sadie the picture.
"What do you mean she was difficult?" asks Sadie.
"Well, I had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right," he replies, "and people were crowding around us five deep to get a good look."
"Five deep?" says Sadie, with her eyes wide open in shock.
"Yes," the photographer says, "and it lasted for 4hours with the mother constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed up and left."
"Your......equipment?" says Sadie.
"That's right. Well if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod and we can get to work."
"Tripod?" says Sadie, looking extremely worried.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Oh dear, she's fainted!"
(XXX#154) The professionals
Maurice, Isaac and Hannah are sitting at a bar in the City talking about their professions.
Maurice says, "I'm a yuppie. You know - young, urban, professional."
Isaac says, "I'm a dink. You know - double income, no kids."
They then turn to Hannah and say, "And you?"
She replies, "I'm a wife. You know - wash, iron, f**k, etc."
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