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(XXX#115) End of an affair?
Yitzhak comes home one day to find his wife Rivkah crying. "Whatís the matter, darling?" asks Yitzhak.
"Iíve just found out that you've been having an affair with your secretary. How could you do this to me? Haven't I always been a good wife to you? Havenít I cooked for you, raised your children and always been by your side when you needed me? What have I done to make you unhappy?"
Yitzhak confesses, "It's true, you really are the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways - except one."
"Whatís that?" asks Rivkah.
"You don't moan when we make love," replies Yitzhak.
"Do you mean that if I did moan," says Rivkah, "you'd stop running around? In that case, letís go to bed now so I can show you that I can moan during love making."
So they go upstairs, get undressed and get beneath the sheets.
As they kiss, Rivkah asks, "Now, Yitzhak, should I moan now?"
"No not yet."
Yitzhak begins fondling Rivkah. "What about now? Should I moan now?"
"No, I'll tell you when."
He climbs on top of Rivkah and they begin to make love.
"Is it time for me to moan, Yitzhak?"
"Wait, I'll tell you when."
Then, seconds before reaching climax, Yitzhak yells, "Now, Rivkah, moan."
"Oy vay! You wouldn't believe what a day Iíve just had!"
(XXX#116) Sleeping problems
Leah has a problem with her Issy and goes to see her therapist. "Doctor, I need your help with a serious problem. Whenever my Issy and I are in bed together, he always lets out a loud scream when he climaxes."
"But thatís quite common, Leah, in fact itís completely normal. There really isnít anything I can do."
"But doctor, my problem is that it wakes me up."
(XXX#117) Early desires
One day, Rebecca asks her class, "Children, can anyone tell me what they would like to have when they grow up?
Little Leah puts up her hand and replies, "Teacher, when I grow older all I want is four animals."
Rebecca asks, "Is that so, Leah, and what four animals would they be?"
Leah replies, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in my bed and an ass to pay for it all."
(XXX#118) Decisions, decisions
[My thanks to Alex for the following]
Sadie bumps into her friend Rachel in Brent Cross shopping centre. "Youíre looking very tired today, Rachel. Did you have a late night?"
"Yes," replies Rachel, "but it was all very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes."
"Wow, fantastic," says Sadie, "so what were the choices he gave you, Rachel?"
"He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory or else he could give my Issy a bigger penis."
"So tell me already, Rachel, what did you choose?"
"I canít remember," replies Rachel.
(XXX#119) The special
Hetty was enjoying a good game of bridge with her friends when she suddenly shouted out, "Oy Vay, look at the time. I must get home quickly and fix dinner for mine Moshe. He's always so angry if it's not ready on time."
But when she got home, she quickly realised that she hadnít done her weekly shopping and all she had in the fridge was a hard-boiled egg, some parsley and a tin of Whiskers cat food. But our Hetty was quite resourceful - she scraped out the cat food onto a plate, added some slices of egg, put parsley around the food, added a dollop of tomato sauce and put the plate on the table, just as Moshe arrived home.
She met him at the front door with a kiss, led him to the table and then watched anxiously as he sat down to eat. To her great relief, Moshe enjoyed her concoction. "Hetty, this new dish is the best meal youíve made in a long, long time. Please make it for me regularly."
After that, Hetty made Moshe his Ďspecialí every bridge night. And then Ö.she told her bridge group her secret.
"But my dear Hetty, you canít let him eat it Ė apart from not being kosher, itís likely to kill him in due course," said one. And 6 weeks later, he did indeed die.
When her bridge friends came around to pay their respects, one of them said, "You killed him, Hetty. We told you he would die if he kept on eating cat food."
But Hetty answered, "For what itís worth, I definitely did not kill mine Moshe. He fell off the piano while he was licking himself."
[My thanks to Alex for the following]
Hannah has had a tiring day at the office and is now on her way home to Hendon. She gets on a tube train at Bank station and, as usual, is dismayed to find it packed. Everyone is squashed together like sardines. But this time, things get worse.
During the next 10 minutes, she becomes more and more aware of the man standing behind her - so much so that when the train reaches Euston, she turns to him and without attracting other passengersí attention, says, "I can feel something hard rubbing against my backside. Please remove it."
The man quietly replies, "Thereís no need to get panicky. I got paid today and what you feel is a roll of £50 notes in my pocket."
"So are you telling me that between Bank and Euston your salary doubled?" says Hannah.
(XXX#121) Surprise in a lift
[My thanks to Stan for the following]
Moshe, just 5 feet tall, is in a lift on his own when, on the 3rd floor, a giant of a man gets into the lift with him. Heís so big that Moshe just canít help staring up at him. The giant sees Moshe staring at him and says, "Yes, Iím big, arenít I? Iím 7 feet 3 inches, 330 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 pounds each testicle, Turner Brown."
Moshe says, "Oy Vay," and immediately faints to the floor. The giant kneels down and starts to gently slap Mosheís face and shake him. When Moshe gains consciousness, the giant asks him, "Is there anything wrong with you?"
In a croaky voice, Moshe replies, "What exactly did you say to me just before?"
The giant replies, "I saw the look on your face when you first saw me and thought Iíd give you answers to the questions going through your mind. So I told you I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, weigh 330 pounds, have a 15 inch penis, each of my testicles weigh 2 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."
Moshe says, "Thank goodness, I thought you said, 'turn around.'"
(XXX#122) Not quite ďWeakest LinkĒ
Freda is 75 years old and lives in a retirement home in Golders Green. One day, she bursts into the games room where a number of men are playing tiddlywinks and draughts, holds her clenched left fist in the air and announces, "If anyone here can guess what's in my hand, they can make love to me tonight in my room."
An elderly gentleman stops what heís doing and replies, "Is it a plate of salt beef and latkes?"
Freda thinks for a few seconds and says, "Yes, thatís close enough."
(XXX#123) The other side
Hyman and his wife Yetta never got on in their latter years and when Hyman died after a long illness, Yetta put an announcement in the Jewish Chronicle newspaper stating that he died of gonorrhoea.
As soon as Hymanís sister read the paper, she phoned Yetta. "You know perfectly well that Hymie died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea."
Yetta replied, "Of course I know he died of diarrhoea Ė after all, who was it who nursed Hyman night and day? Nevertheless, I thought my announcement would be a better way for people to remember him - as a great lover rather than the big shit he was."
(XXX#124) The warning
[My thanks to Stan for the following]
Issy, Benny and Howard went everywhere together. They were not only friends but also three very different people. Issy was an alcoholic, Benny was a heavy smoker and Howard was gay. However, over the years, all three became desperately ill so one day they decided to see a doctor to discuss their options.
The doctor examined each one in turn and when he had written up his notes, he looked up and with a very serious look on his face, addressed all three of them. He said, "Itís very clear to me that if you continue to indulge in your abhorrent vices, even just once, you will die. Please believe, I know what Iím talking about."
Each one left the surgery determined never again to indulge in his vice. However, on their way home, they passed a wine bar. Issy heard the loud music, he smelled the drink and without thinking, led his friends inside and ordered a glass of wine. As soon as he had finished the drink, he fell dead on the floor.
Benny and Howard were totally shaken when they left the bar. They now realized more than ever the seriousness of their doctorís warning.
As they continued home, Benny saw a cigarette end lying in the gutter. It was still alight but before Benny could do anything, Howard put his hand on Bennyís shoulder and said, "You know, if you bend down to pick up that cigarette end, we're both dead."
(XXX#125) The dust cloud
Itís 6.30am and the alarm clock goes off in Hymie and Beckyís bedroom. Hymie awakes and starts to get ready for work. He takes a pair of fresh underpants from his wardrobe and is surprised to see white powder fall from them. So he shakes them a bit and creates a mini dust cloud.
"Becky," he says to the figure still in bed, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
Becky replies, "I didnít, darling. It's not talcum powder, it's 'Miracle Gro'."
(XXX#126) Yiddish Proverb
When the penis stands, the brains get buried in the ground.
(XXX#127) Slippery customer
Ruth was having a conversation with her best friend Sadie. "Do you know what happened last night, Sadie? Mine Abe walks into our bedroom and gives me a tube of KY Jelly."
"Why did he do that?" asks Sadie.
"Well, he told me he bought it for me to make me happy. But immediately he gave it to me, he goes downstairs to watch football on TV. What a chutzpah, and me with my new sheets."
"But did it work?" asks Sadie.
"Yes, Abe was right - it did make me happy. When he left the room, I squeezed it over the bedroom door handle and mine Abe couldn't get back in."
(XXX#128) Appearances are deceptive
Cyril was the black sheep of his family and decided to live in a nudist colony. One day, he was surprised to receive a letter from his grandma. In her letter, she told him that she was the only one who still wanted to remain in contact with him and she asked him to send her a current photo of himself in his new neighbourhood. The only recent photo he had of himself was one of him in the nude. Too embarrassed to remind her that he now lived in a nudist colony, Cyril cut the photo in half but accidentally sent her the bottom half of the photo. When he realised heíd sent the wrong half, he got quite worried, but then remembered how bad his grandma's eyesight was and assumed she wouldnít notice.
Some weeks later, Cyril received a reply from his grandma. It said: -
"Thank you bubbeleh for the photo. But please, for your grandma, change your hairstyle - it makes your nose look short.(XXX#129) Double trouble
(XXX#130) Adam and Eveís choice
After God completed the world, he found he still had two things remaining to give out. He quickly decided to give one to Adam and one to Eve and heíd let each choose which one they wanted. When he told them what he aimed to do, they asked what his give-aways were.
So God explained, "One of the items is a thingy that allows its owner to pee while standing up. It's very useful. The other thing I have is ÖÖÖ"
But Adam was no longer listening. As soon as he heard about the Ďstand-up-peeingí device, he started jumping up and down like an excited little boy. "Iíd love one of those," he said. "To be able to do that would be just brilliant. Please God, let me have it."
God turned to Eve and said, "Nu? So what do you think?"
Eve just smiled and replied, "As Adam desperately wants it, let him have it."
Adam was thrilled to receive it and immediately used it on the flowers. He then ran off to write his name in the sand.
God watched Adam for a few minutes, then turned to Eve and said, "Well, here's the other thing, itís all yours."
"What's it called?" said Eve.
"A brain," replied God.
(XXX#131) Hold on
Rifka and Sam are Londoners on their first driving holiday in the USA. Everything is going well until driving through a remote part of Arizona, their car breaks down. Luckily, an Indian on horseback sees their predicament, rides up to them and offers to take one of them to a nearby town to get help.
Sam says to Rifka, "Darling, I think it best that you go with him to this town while I stay here to protect our car and its contents. When you get there, find someone who can fix the car. Be careful and Iíll see you soon."
So Rifka climbs up behind the Indian and off they ride.
They had been going for only a few minutes when the Indian suddenly lets out an ear piercing, "Y-e-e-e-e-e-H-a-a-a," and he repeats this scream every 5 minutes or so until they arrive in town. He rides over to the local garage, helps her down, and then rides off with one final screeching, "Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-H-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a."
"Wow," says the garage owner, "how did you get that Indian so excited?"
"I didnít do anything, honest," replies Rifka, "All I did was sit behind him on his horse, with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn to keep me from falling. Thatís all."
"Lady," says the garage owner laughing, "Indians never use saddles."
(XXX#132) Home comforts
Maurice and Estelle were not having a good sex life. After yet another listless love making session, Maurice decided to confront Estelle. "How come you never tell me or indicate when you have an orgasm?"
Estelle looked at Maurice with contempt and replied, "You're never home."
(XXX#133) Death wishes
Even though it was Issy and Yettaís 40th wedding anniversary, they still had their inevitable, regular quarrel. Only this time, it was more serious than ever before.
Issy shouted, "When you die, Yetta, I'm going to get you a headstone which says, 'Here Lies Yetta - Cold As Ever.'"
"Oh yes?" she replied, "When you die, Issy, I'm going to get you a headstone which says, 'Here Lies Issy - Stiff At Last.'"
(XXX#134) Definition of a Jewish ménage-a-trois
Two headaches and a hard-on.
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