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(XXX#75) I must have one
[My thanks to Charles Kohnfelder for the following joke]
Jacob is 85 years old and has just arrived in London to live with his daughter. One day, he’s taking a walk when he sees a fellow Russian smoking a cigarette using a cigarette holder.
Jacob had never seen such a thing before, so he asks, "vats duss?"
The other man says, "Dots a protector. It protects mine clothing from de eshes and mine beard from de flame."
Jacob says, "I gotta hev one of dem too. Where do you gedit?"
The other man says, "I godit in de chemist shop."
Jacob walks all the way to the nearest chemist, goes up to an assistant and says, "So gimme a protecter."
The assistant looks at the elderly little man and decides to have some fun.
"So what size you want, mister?"
Jacob shrugs and says, "Size? It should fit a cemel."
(XXX#76) In the surgery
[My thanks to Peter Scolding for the following joke]
Morris, 86 years old, walked into a crowded doctor's surgery. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, how can we help you today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," Morris says aloud.
The receptionist was quite shocked at his reply and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded surgery and talk that way."
"Why not?" said Morris, "you asked me what was wrong and I told you."
The receptionist replied, "But you've caused some embarrassment – this room is full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the real problem with the doctor in private."
So Morris walked out, waited several minutes and came in again.
The receptionist smiled and said, "Yes sir, how can we help you today?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," Morris replied.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing Morris had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't pee out of it," Morris replied.
(XXX#77) Modern dress sense
Rebecca is 15 years old and tonight she has a date. When she finishes dressing, she comes downstairs and shocks her Booba because Rebecca is wearing a see-through blouse and she’s clearly not wearing anything underneath it. Her Booba shouts at her and tells her she mustn’t go out un-dressed like that. She looks like a tart.
But Rebecca walks out the door anyway, saying, “Booba, this is the 21st century, everybody lets their rosebuds show."
The next day, when Rebecca comes home from school, there is her Booba sitting in the lounge wearing no top. Rebecca is very embarrassed and says, “Booba, I have friends coming over and it’s not appropriate for you to...”
Her Booba interrupts and says, “Loosen up Rebecca, this is the 21st century. If you can display your rosebuds, then I can certainly display my hanging baskets."
(XXX#78) Visit to a psychiatrist
Sidney goes to see his psychiatrist. As soon as he lies down on the couch, he says, “I needed to have this appointment because I’m sure I’m gay.”
Doctor Myers says, “And what, please tell me, makes you think you’re gay?”
“Well,” says Sidney, “my father Hershel was gay and so was my grandfather.”
“So what?” says doctor Myers, “that doesn’t make you gay as well. No one has proven that homosexuality is hereditary.”
“Well what if I told you that my 2 younger brothers are also gay?” says Sidney.
“Well that would be interesting,” says doctor Myers. “Is there anyone else in your family who you think is gay?”
“My cousin and uncle are,” replies Sidney.
“I must admit,” says doctor Myers, “that I’ve never come across this before. Is there anyone in your family who has sex with women?”
“Yes,” replied Sidney, “my sister.”
(XXX#79) The photo
Rachel goes into a chemist and asks to see the pharmacist.
“How can I help you, madam?” he says.
“I need some arsenic, please,” Rachel replies.
“And what, may I ask, are you needing arsenic for?” the pharmacist says.
“I want to kill my husband.”
“Surely you know,” says the pharmacist, “that I can’t sell you any for such a use.”
Rachel gives him a photo of a naked man and naked woman clearly having sex.
Rachel says, “The man is my husband and the woman is, as I’m sure you have recognised, your wife.”
The pharmacist looks at the photo intently and says, “Oh, I didn’t know you had a prescription. I’ll go get you some arsenic.”
(XXX#80) The breakfast
Abe and Freda had been married for 50 years. They were having breakfast one morning when Abe said to Freda, "Just think, darling, we've now been married for 50 years."
"Yes," she replied. "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here together at this very breakfast table."
"I know," said Abe, "and we were probably sitting here naked, fifty years ago."
Freda giggled. "So what do you think? Should we get naked again to see how we feel now?"
So Abe and Freda got up, stripped naked and then sat down at the table again.
"You know, darling," Freda said breathlessly, "I think my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I’m not at all surprised," replied Abe, "one is in your tea and the other is in your porridge."
(XXX#81) The visit to grandpa
Moishe goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.
"How are you Zeida?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better, Moishe. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK Zeida?"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
Moishe is alarmed at this and rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What on earth are you doing?" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be correct?"
"Oh yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
(XXX#82) The investigation
Sadie went to see her doctor and when he asked her about her problem, she replied that she was suffering from a discharge.
The doctor said, "OK, Undress please and go lie down on the examination table."
She did what he asked.
The doctor put on his rubber gloves and began investigating her "private parts".
After a couple of minutes, he asked Sadie, "How does that feel?"
"Wonderful," replied Sadie, "but the discharge is from my ear."
(XXX#83) The gambler
Beckie walks into Coutts Bank in the Strand and opens an account with £500,000 in cash. Because of the amount of money, the deputy manager goes over to her, gives her his card and says, “If there’s any service you need in future, please call me directly.”
A few days later Beckie returns and deposits a further £800,000. This time the manager goes over to her, gives her his card and says, “If there’s any service you need in future, please call me directly on my private line.”
A week later Beckie returns and sees the manager. “You told me that I should just ask if I wanted anything. Well. I want to meet Lord Coutts in person.”
The manager makes a phone call and then escorts Beckie to Lord Coutts office. She is welcomed in.
“What do you do for a living?” Lord Coutts asks Beckie.
“I gamble, your lordship. I bet on almost everything and with almost anyone.”
“Well," he says, “would you like to make a bet with me and if so, about what?”
Beckie replies, “OK. I bet your lordship £100,000 that two weeks from today, your testicles will become cube shaped.”
Lord Coutts is embarrassed, but figures she’s an important client and in any case, he can't lose. So he accepts the bet.
Two weeks later Beckie returns accompanied by her associate carrying a large bag. She says that they have come to collect her bet.
Lord Coutts laughs. “But you’ve lost. My testicles are still perfectly round.”
“Your lordship,” says Beckie, “because of the size of our bet, I have a right to personally check.”
Reluctantly, Lord Coutts opens his trousers and pulls down his pants.
Beckie grasps his testicles, at which point her associate says, “Damn, Beckie, you've won yet again.”
“Won?” says Lord Coutts, “but she hasn't won.”
“Oh yes she has,” says the associate. “She bet me £500,000 that by this afternoon, she'd be holding Lord Coutts by the balls.”
(XXX#84) The choice
Hannah goes to visit her dentist.
When Moshe finishes examining her teeth, he says, "I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but you need root canal treatment to one of your molars."
Hannah cries, "Oy vey ist mir. I'd rather have a baby."
Moshe replies, "Well let me know what you decide – I’ll have to adjust the chair either way."
(XXX#85) The strong man
Fay and Cyril get married and on their first night in bed, Cyril puts his arm around Fay and very sweetly whispers, "Fay darling, please pull up your nightgown."
Very sweetly Fay answers, "Nooo."
Cyril asks again, a little sterner, "Fay pull up your nightgown."
Fay again says, "No."
Cyril is now angry and says, "Fay, pull up your nightgown or I'm going out the door and you’ll never see me again."
"No." says Fay.
So Cyril gets up and goes out the front door, slamming it behind him. Fay immediately gets up and locks the door.
Not too long after, Cyril is back. He tries the front door but finds it locked. So he taps on the door and says, "Fay, my darling, open the door, it’s me."
Fay says, "Nooo."
Cyril knocks a little louder, "Fay, sweetness, please open the door."
"No." says Fay.
Cyril starts kicking the door and shouts, "Fay, open this door right now or I'll break it down."
Fay says, "Really? A door you can break down, but a nightgown you can't pull up?"
(XXX#86) I want some silk
Hymie is an elderly yarn merchant who has the misfortune of living next door to Fred, a well known anti-Semitic. One day Fred calls on Hymie and says, "Hey Jew! I need a piece of gold silk."
"OK," says Hymie, "how long?"
Fred looks at Hymie and replies, "The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis."
"OK," says Hymie, "and when do you want it?"
"I want it delivered to me here tomorrow latest," replies Fred.
Hymie says, "OK, you'll have it."
Fred is awakened early next morning by loud noises. He looks out his window and sees a row of lorries lined up outside his house, dumping lorry full after lorry full of gold silk into his front garden. Soon, the front of Fred’s house is 3 foot deep in gold silk. Then there is a knock on his door and when he opens it, there is Hymie with an invoice for £8,000.
Fred starts screaming at Hymie. "What’s this, Jew? This is not what I asked for. I told you I wanted a piece of silk from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at my front garden. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Hymie replies, "I'm very careful when I deal with people like you, that's why I’ve got a few witnesses here with me now. I may be off by a few miles so I gave you a discount, but...the tip of my penis was left in Poland after my circumcision!"
(XXX#87) The 5 symbols
During some recent excavation work, a team of Israeli archaeologists discovered a previously undetected cave. They were very excited because the following five symbols were carved on one wall of the cave.
a woman; a donkey; a shovel; a fish; a Star of David;
The archaeologists declared this a unique find - the carvings were thought to be at least 3,000 years old. They carefully cut out the piece of stone holding the symbols and sent it to the Tel Aviv museum. Soon, archaeologists from all over the world were invited to meet to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The chairman opened the meeting by pointing to the first symbol and saying, "We can judge from the first symbol that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were smart enough to train donkeys to help them till the soil. The shovel symbol means they had tools to work with. Their intelligence is highlighted by the fish, which means that if their crops failed, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol means they were evidently Hebrew."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says, 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on That Woman.'"
(XXX#88) The prescription
Esther goes to her doctor because she hasn't been "regular" for some time. The doctor examines her, finds nothing unusual and attributes her problem to her diet. He recommends she take a laxative.
"Don’t forget I keep kosher," she says, "whatever you prescribe must be kosher."
"I want you to take Serutan," says the doctor, "and don't worry, it's kosher."
"You're sure, doctor?" says Esther, "you're absolutely positive it's kosher? If it's not kosher I can't take it and I'd be very mad if I were to find out it wasn't kosher."
"Of course it's kosher. Serutan spelled backwards is NATURES and what could be more kosher than nature?" replies the doctor.
Two weeks later, Esther comes storming back. "Doctor," she shouts, "I'm so angry with you that I'm going to sue you."
"What's wrong?" the doctor asks, very concerned.
"That medicine you told me to take - it's not kosher," replies Esther.
"Of course it's kosher," replies the doctor. "It's called Serutan, and as I told you, serutan spelled backwards is natures."
"Well doctor," Esther says, "Serutan spelled backwards may be natures, but taking Serutan gave me such gas! And FART spelled backwards is TRAF."
(XXX#89) Staff relations
Two chauffeurs are waiting for their bosses to come out of the synagogue after evening prayers. While they are waiting by their Rolls Royce and Bentley cars, they hear a trumpet-like sound coming from the Synagogue.
“Hey, what instrument is that?” said one of them.
“That’s not a musical instrument,” said the other, “they’re blowing the shofar.”
“Really,” said the first chauffeur, “they’re sure good to their staff.”
(XXX#90) The blue suit
Issy has just passed away and his wife Rifka goes to the mortuary. As soon as she sees him she starts crying. An attendant tries to comfort her. Through her tears Rifka explains that Issy is wearing a black suit and he always wanted to be buried in a blue suit. The attendant explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as standard procedure, but he'd see what he could do.
The next day, when Rifka returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Issy, she smiles through her tears - Issy is now wearing a blue suit.
She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that nice blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday, after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the attendant replied. "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around."
(XXX#91) The white towel
Nathan is 75 years old and has just married Rose, a 35 year old. They are very much in love, but no matter what Nathan does sexually, Rose can’t achieve an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask their rabbi for some advice.
When Rabbi Bloom hears their story, he says, "Here’s what you can do. Hire a handsome young man and during your lovemaking, get him to wave a white towel over you both. That will help Rose let her imagination run wild and should bring on an orgasm."
Nathan and Rose follow Rabbi Bloom's suggestion. They hire a handsome young man and next time they are making love, he waves a white towel over them as instructed. But it doesn't help Rose - she is still left unsatisfied.
So back to Rabbi Bloom they go.
Rabbi Bloom looks at Nathan and says, "OK. Let's try it another way round. Get your young man to make love to Rose and you wave the white towel over them."
Once again, Nathan and Rose follow Rabbi Bloom's advice. That night, as soon as the young man gets into bed with Rose, Nathan starts waving the white towel. The young man ‘works’ with great enthusiasm and soon Rose has an enormous, earth shattering orgasm.
Nathan smiles, looks at the young man and says to him smugly, "See - that’s how to wave a towel."
(XXX#92) Elderly love
As soon as Ruth hears that her 99year old grandfather has died, she goes to see her 95year old grandmother to comfort her.
"Oh Booba, I’m so sorry. How did Zeida die?"
"He had a heart attack on Sunday morning while we were making love."
"But Booba," says Ruth, "You were both nearly 100 years old. Didn’t you realise that having sex would be asking for trouble?"
"Many years ago," replies her grandma, "realizing our advanced age, we thought the best time to make love was when the church bells were ringing. It was just the right rhythm for us, nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply down on the Ding and up on the Dong. And if that ice cream van hadn't come along, your Zeida would still be alive today."
(XXX#93) Time for marriage
Victor and Leah were an elderly couple who had been dating for some time. One day, they decided it was finally time to get married. But first, they needed to discuss how their marriage might work. They talked about finances, living arrangements, health and finally, their conjugal relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" Victor asked Leah, with a smile on his face.
"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," replied Leah.
Victor thought about this and then asked, "Was that one word or two?"
(XXX#94) The survey
Sadie was participating in a family survey. The interviewer asked her, “How do you feel about condoms?”
Sadie replied, “Depends on what's in it for me.”
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