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(XXX#55) Visit to the chemist
Morris goes into his local chemist and asks the assistant behind the counter, “What’s this Viagra like, then?”
“It’s very good sir,” says the assistant, “I use it myself.”
“Good,” says Morris. “Can you get it over the counter?”
To which the assistant answers, “Only if I take six, sir.”
(XXX#56) The jogger
Morris was out jogging one Sunday afternoon when he saw a new-looking tennis ball in the road. He stopped to pick it up and as he had no pockets, he put it down the front of his running shorts. He then continued with his run.
He soon came up to Sadie, who was also out jogging. Sadie looked at him and pointed to the bulge in his shorts.
“What’s that?” Sadie asked, smiling.
“Tennis ball,” replied Morris.
“I know how you must feel,” Sadie said, “I had tennis elbow once and that was bloody painful”
(XXX#57) The request
As his wife was expecting their first baby, Rabbi Bloom went to the shul committee and asked for a salary increase. After much consideration, they passed a resolution that when the Rabbi’s family expanded again, so would his payslip.
6 children later, it began to get expensive for the shul and they decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi’s salary situation. This time there was much arguing and shouting.
Rabbi Bloom could take it no more, so he got up and said, “Having children is an act of God.”
The chairman replied, “Snow and storms are also ‘acts of God’, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers.”
One morning, while she was making their breakfast, Harold walked up to his wife, Hette, pinched her on the tuchus and said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle.”
Although she thought this was a terrible thing to say, she refrained from responding.
Next morning, Harold woke Hette by squeezing her breast. He said, “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.”
Hette thought this was unacceptable and had to respond this time. So she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a strong grip, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the postman, the gardener and your brother”
(XXX#59) The chicken and the egg
One day, a chicken got to know an egg in the biblical sense. After they had finished, the chicken was reclining with a post-coital cigarette in his beak. He rolls over to the egg and says, “I guess that settles it then”
(XXX#60) The beach surprise
Sadie, a recently widowed lady, was reading a book whilst sunbathing on the beach in Tel Aviv. She looked up and noticed an elderly gentleman walking past. He placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began to read a book. Smiling, Sadie attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello," she began. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sadie asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.
"Do you live around here?" Sadie asked.
"Not far," he answered, continuing to read.
Sadie persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, he threw down his book, jumped onto her blanket, whipped off both their swimsuits and made the most passionate love to her that she had ever experienced.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sadie gasped and asked the man, "How on earth did you know that I wanted that to happen?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
(XXX#61) The game
Three 4th form schoolboys - an Italian, a Greek, and Moishe, are in the playground when Paulo suggests that they play a new game. "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says.
Paulo pulls down his zipper and takes it out.
"That's nothing," says Andreas and takes his out. His is a couple of inches longer.
Not to be outdone, Moishe whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. Paola and Andreas are stunned. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, during dinner, Moishe’s mother asks him what he did at school that day. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a maths test and read out loud from a new book...and during our lunch hour, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis."
"What kind of game is that, darling?" says the mother.
"Well, me, Paulo and Andreas each pulled out our penises and I had the biggest. They said it must be that big because I'm Jewish. Is that true, Mum?"
The mother replies: "No, boobalah. It's because you're twenty-three years old."
(XXX#62) Joining requirements
Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed, all wanted to join a synagogue in Hendon. The Rabbi said to them, "We have special requirements for new members. To be accepted, you must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples all agreed to the terms and came back at the end of the two weeks.
The Rabbi turned to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Rabbi."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the synagogue!" said the Rabbi.
The Rabbi then asked the middle-aged couple, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
The man replied, "Well, the first week wasn't too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights; but yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the synagogue!" said the Rabbi.
The Rabbi then turned to the newlywed couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Rabbi, we weren't able to go without sex for the entire two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the Rabbi.
"Well, six days into the two weeks, my wife was reaching for a book from the top shelf and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was suddenly overcome with lust and I took advantage of her right there and then."
"You do understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our synagogue," stated the Rabbi.
"We know that Rabbi," said the young man, grimly. "We're no longer welcome at the Hendon library either."
(XXX#63) The Rabbi's Wife
A Rabbi dies. After some time has passed, his congregation decide that his wife Sarah should marry again. Since it is a small village, the only available candidate is Moishe the butcher. Although very reluctant, because she was used to living with a scholar, Sarah accepts and they are soon married.
On her first Friday afternoon as a new wife, just after she had taken a bath, Moishe tells Sarah, "My mother always said that before the start of Shabbos, it is a mitzvah to make love before going to the synagogue." They do it.
When they come back from shul, Moishe tells Sarah, "According to my father, it is a mitzvah to make love as soon as you come back from shul." They do it again.
Later that night, when it was time to go to sleep, Moishe tells Sarah, "My grandfather told me that one should always make love late on Shabbos night." So they do. Finally, they go to sleep.
As soon as they awake the next morning, Moishe tells Sarah, "My aunt says that a religious Jew always starts the Shabbos day by making love. So lets do it." And once again they do.
Next day, Sunday, Sarah goes out to the market and meets a friend who asks her, "Nu, Sarah, so how is the new husband?"
"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but Moishe comes from a wonderful family!"
(XXX#64) The home visit
Frank had just come to terms with his homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet". His plan was to tell his mother first. So on his next home visit, he went into the kitchen where his mother was busying herself stirring her chicken soup. Rather nervously, Frank explained to her that he had realized he was gay.
Without looking up from her stirring, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?"
"Well...yes." he answers.
Still without looking up she asks, "Does that mean you suck men's penises?" Caught off guard, Frank eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative, whereupon his mother turned to him and brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped, "Don't you ever complain about my cooking again!"
(XXX#65) Sex for sale
Moishe moves into an old age home but he is just as randy as ever. As he looks over the list of the other people living in the home, he realises that there are three times as many women as men. What luck. Moishe decides this is a good time to make some money, so he posts a sign on his door: "SEX FOR SALE."
On the very first night, someone knocks on his door. It was Sadie. She says to Moishe, "What does your sign mean?"
"I am selling sex," he replies.
"Well," says Sadie, "How much do you charge?"
Moishe replies, "I haven't thought much about prices, but I suppose it will be £5 on the floor, £10 on the chair and £20 on the bed."
Sadie reaches into her purse and pulls out a £20 note.
"Oh, you want it on the bed?"
"No," says Sadie, "Four on the floor please!"
(XXX#66) First date
After nearly 40 years of marriage, Rebecca loses her husband, Bernie. She soon becomes very depressed and is hardly ever seen outside her house. A whole year passes.
One day she is out doing her weekly shopping in Hendon when she meets Moishe in her local delicatessen. Moishe, she knew, was a recent widower. They get talking and agree to go out for a meal. Over the weeks that follow, they get on so well with each other that Moishe suggests a weekend in a five star Brighton hotel.
On their first night in the hotel, Moishe is lying naked in bed and Rebecca emerges from the bathroom naked except for a pair of black panties.
"Vos is dus?" asks Moishe. "Vots mit der underwear?"
Rebecca replies, "You can have mine lips, mine breasts and mine tummy. But down there, well, I'm still mourning."
The next night the same thing happens.
On the third night, Rebecca comes out of the bathroom only wearing the pair of black panties. She looks at Moishe on the bed, sees his erection and black condom and says, "Moishe, I told you yesterday that down there I'm still in mourning."
"I know," replies Moishe. "I'm planning to make a Shiva call."
(XXX#67) A quicky
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.
(XXX#68) Help needed
Issy goes to his doctor to arrange a sperm count. The doctor gives Issy a small plastic tub and says, "Use this and bring me a sample tomorrow."
Next day, Issy goes back and gives the doctor an empty, pristine clean tub.
The doctor asks, "So? Why is it empty?"
Issy explains: "Well, doctor, first I tried it with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried it with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife Rifka for help. She tried it with her right hand, then with her left, but nothing. Rifka even tried with her mouth - with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, but still no luck. We then called in our next door neighbour and she tried it with both hands, and with her mouth too, but with no results, I’m sad to say."
The doctor was shocked. "You mean you asked your neighbour to try?"
Issy replied, "Yes, doctor, but no matter what we tried, we just couldn't open the tub"
(XXX#69) The genie
Abe is lost in the desert and is desperately searching for water. Suddenly, he finds a little brass lamp sticking out of the sand. As he cleans it with his sleeve, a Genie comes out of the lamp.
The Genie says, “Thank you Abe for freeing me from the lamp. I am so grateful that you can make one wish and I’ll make your dream come true.”
Abe takes a map from his pocket, hands it to the Genie and says, "This is a map of a little country called Israel. Only 5 million citizens, surrounded by more than 100 millions Arabs. I am fed up with all the violence and the wars, and so my wish is for peace for Israel."
The Genie thought about this for a while and then said, “It's very complicated. So many people are involved, so much International influence and serious effects on petrol and water. So I must ask you to make a different wish.”
“OK,” said Abe, “I have another wish to ask of you. I have a wife called Yetta. She comes from a Sephardic family and we have been married now for 10 years. But in all that time, she still refuses to have oral sex. So please do something for me, Genie, make her change her mind.”
The Genie thinks for a while about Abe’s request, then says, “Ummmm, could you show me that map again?”
(XXX#70) A visit to grandpa
Reluctantly, the Segal family had to put their grandfather in a nursing home. As all the Jewish homes were full, they had to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the home, they came to visit him.
"How do you like it here, Zeida?" asked the grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said Zeida.
"We're so happy for you," said the children on hearing this. "We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," Zeida said with a big smile.
"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. Although he hasn't played the violin in 20 years, everyone still calls him 'Maestro'."
"And there's a physician here - 90 years old. Although he hasn't been practising medicine for 25 years, everyone still calls him 'Doctor'."
"And me, although I haven't had sex for 20 years, they still call me the "F***ing Jew."
(XXX#71) The raffle
There is a raffle at the local Jewish Community Centre and prizes are being drawn.
"4th prize, which goes to Hymie Himmelfarb, is a Rolls Royce." Huge applause. Hymie goes up to collect his keys and shake hands.
"3rd prize, which goes to Frank Myers, is a Rolls Royce and a cheque for £10,000." Huge applause. Frank goes up to collect his keys and cheque and shake hands.
"2nd prize, which goes to Abe Epstein, is a piece of fruit cake!" Ghastly silence. Abe goes up to the stage to the presenter.
"What do you mean, a piece of fruit cake? 4th prize was a Rolls Royce, 3rd prize was a Rolls Royce plus a cheque for £10,000, so what the hell do you mean a piece of fruit cake for the second prize?"
"Ah," says the presenter, "This is special fruit cake. It's made by the Rabbi's wife"
"F**k the Rabbi's wife" says Abe, hysterically.
"What? You want the 1st prize as well?" came the reply.
(XXX#72) The visitor
One afternoon, Maurice was walking in Golders Green Park when to his utter amazement a small space ship landed in front of him. As he stared at it, a beautiful, shapely female came out and walked towards him. He couldn’t believe it – she was quite like any Earth girl. She told him, in perfect English, that she was an ambassador from Venus and that she had come specifically to learn more about Earth and its customs.
Being single, Maurice offered at once to escort her around London and asked her if they had nightclubs on Venus. She replied, "What are night clubs?"
So Maurice took her to the Café De Paris where they had an excellent meal. Then the music started. She was a quick learner and soon was dancing just like the other women there. They spent the rest of the evening dancing together and talking about the differences between Earth and Venus. At midnight, Maurice took her back to his flat for a nightcap.
As they were drinking coffee, Maurice asked her whether Venusians liked to make love. "Of course we do," she replied with a cheeky smile. So the two of them went into his bedroom and began to undress.
Maurice soon noticed that she had emeralds for nipples, a huge blue diamond instead of a navel and hundreds of small rubies instead of pubic hair.
"Do all Venusians have jewels on their bodies?" he asked.
"No, not the Gentiles." she replied.
(XXX#73) The newly weds
A marriage was arranged for a young Hasidic couple, as has been the tradition for centuries. The wedding takes place and Yossel and Annie are soon in bed ready to consummate their marriage. But Yossel is a novice.
"I've never done this before," he tells Annie.
Annie quickly reassures him. "Don’t worry, darling, I will guide you through the process. First of all, remove your garments."
"No," she says, "all of them, not just your tzitzis."
A little embarrassed, Yossel does what he is told.
She says "OK, Yossel, now you need to lie right on top of me."
"Naked?" he asks.
"Yes" she says. So Yossel climbs on top of her, but just lies there.
"Now" she says, put it inside me."
"You mean my...?"
Yossel again does what he is told but is still embarrassed and just lies there, rigid, on top of her, doing nothing.
After 5 minutes of just lying there, it suddenly becomes clear to Annie what must happen next.
"Now," she says to Yossel, "Daavin!!!"
(XXX#74) The cure
Rifka suffered from terrible headaches, so she went to a doctor in Edgware who was excellent at curing headaches. The doctor listened to her and said, “Don’t worry. Here’s what you do. When you feel a headache coming on, sit down for 5 minutes in a private place. Take deep breaths for 1 minute, massage the middle of your forehead for another minute and then finish by repeatedly saying aloud for 3 minutes, “I haven't got a headache, I haven't got a headache, I haven't got a headache. That’s all there is to it.”
Later that week, Rifka soon had to follow the doctor’s advice and surprisingly, her headache went. Over the months that followed, this method always worked for her.
One morning, Rifka thought, “If the doctor was able to help me with my headaches, maybe he could also sort out my Moishe’s impotence problems - he was not much good to me last night.”
She discussed her idea with Moishe and to her surprise, he agreed to see the doctor that very day.
That night, as they got into bed, Rifka said, “Let’s make love Moishe,” and was pleasantly surprised to hear him say, “OK, but first I’ll need five minutes alone.” Moishe then disappeared into the bathroom and 5 minutes later came out, got back in bed and then…. Well, Rifka couldn’t believe it. Moishe was making love just like he did 25 years ago.
The same thing happened every night and Rifka couldn’t believe how good Moishe now was in bed.
But she soon began to wonder what he was doing in the bathroom to overcome his problem. So one night, she told Moishe she wanted to make love. As usual, he said, “I need my 5 minutes first, though.”
This time, as soon as Moishe disappeared into the bathroom, Rifka went to the door and peeked inside. There was Moishe sitting on the edge of the bath massaging his forehead and murmuring, “It's not my wife, it’s not my wife….”
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