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(XXX#37) The password
Freda Cohen, a female computer consultant, was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password for login.
Wanting to embarrass the lady, he told her to enter "PENIS."
Without blinking an eye or saying a word, Freda entered the password as he had requested.
But then, Freda nearly exploded from refrained laughter as the computer displayed the message in response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.
(XXX#38) A war story
An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy" and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Sonia Levy enrolled in nursing school and was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was “involuntary muscles”
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks Sonia if she knows what her a**hole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure!!" Sonia says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."
(XXX#40) The six men in a woman's life who turn her on
(XXX#42) Who is the best?
Moishe is going on holiday to Cyprus. He arrives at Heathrow, gets into the scheduled Boeing 747 and takes his seat.
As he looks back down the aisle, he notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. Moishe is nervous as he sees her walking down the aisle toward him. But to his delight, she takes the seat right next to him. He is soon anxious to begin a conversation.
Moishe asks her, "Where are you going?"
She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Cyprus."
Moishe is crazy with excitement. Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
"And what will you do at this meeting?" he asks.
"Well," she says, "we try to solve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" Moishe continues desperately.
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African men are the most endowed, when in fact, the Native American man is. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, but actually men of Jewish descent make the best lovers".
"Very interesting..." Moishe responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says. "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"
Moishe extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."
(XXX#43) The Stowaway
Nicola Levy was a depressed young woman. She was so desperate that one day, she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the River Thames.
When Nicola arrives at the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her when he found out she was Jewish, He said to her, "Look, I’m Jewish too. You've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought Nicola aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine ship-wide search, Nicola was discovered and taken to the Captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked her.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," Nicola explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and in return, I’m making love to him."
"Lady," said the Captain, "You’ve made a big mistake – this ship never leaves the Thames, this is the Woolwich Ferry!"
(XXX#44) A cry for help
Barry Joseph telephoned his doctor and began shouting hysterically down the line. “Help me doctor. What on earth shall I do? My 5 year old son David has just swallowed a condom.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be right over.”
Just as the doctor was leaving the office, the phone rang. It was Barry again. He said ”Don’t worry doctor, I found another one.”
(XXX#45) Professional relationship
Joyce was with her doctor, Dr. Ginsberg.
Suddenly, she asked him “will you kiss me?”
“Certainly not” Dr. Ginsberg said. “We must preserve a distance in this sort of relationship.”
“Well,” Joyce said, “will you hold my hand?”
“Not even that,” Dr. Ginsberg said. “It’s important that we keep this on a non-emotional basis.”
“Will you tell me that you like me a lot?”
“Try to understand,” Dr. Ginsberg told Joyce, “I can’t kiss you, I can’t hold your hand, I can’t even tell you that I like you. Goodness me, we shouldn’t even be in bed together!”
(XXX#46) The retirement present
A mohel retires after 40 years of service and decides he needs something to remind him of his long career, but what? It soon becomes clear to him what it must be.
So next day, he goes to a leather factory and takes with him all the skin he has saved over the 40 years. He says to the foreman, "I vant you should make me a memento of my years as a mohel."
The foreman assures him that something can be done and that he should come back next week to pick it up.
When the mohel returns, the foreman presents him with --- a wallet. The mohel is shocked and incensed. "I vork for 40 years and all you can make for me is a vallet?"
The foreman replies, "But it is a special kind of wallet. When you rub it, it becomes a suitcase!"
(XXX#47) Sex is good for you
Myron, in his mid 50's, had a relatively minor heart attack, and while he was in hospital, he complained to his cardiologist that he thought that his sex life was now once-and-for-all over and done with. The cardiologist said, "Not true, Myron. Sex is a wonderful exercise for your heart. After you get home, you should have sex 3 or 4 times a week. It'll be the best thing you can do for your recovery."
So after his discharge, Myron tells his wife what the doctor had said. His wife looked at him and said, "That's wonderful, Myron! Sign me up for twice."
(XXX#48) Everything is bigger in Texas
Tex Cohen lived in - you guessed it, Texas. One day, he bought a round of drinks for everyone in the pub because his wife Honeysuckle had just given birth to "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Everyone in the pub congratulated him and many told him that they found it hard to believe that his baby weighed in so heavy.
But Tex assured them, "It’s true, it’s really true."
When Tex came back to the same pub three weeks later, the barman said to him, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth aren’t you? So tell us, how much does your baby weigh now?"
Tex proudly replied, "Twelve pounds."
The barman could not understand this, so he asked Tex, "Why? Is he ill? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth, why has he lost so much weight?"
Tex took a big swig from his beer, wiped his lips with the back of his hand, leaned into the barman and proudly replied, "Had him circumcised."
(XXX#49) Jewish Plumber
A young, religious Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred.
Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up. She was very skinny, and when she sat down, she literally fell in! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her. In this process they removed her night gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.
Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.
Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulka, over his wife's exposed privates.
The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented:
"Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi's a goner."
(XXX#50) The healer
Kitty and Harry, a middle aged couple, are watching TV one evening when an evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick. A voice on the TV said, "If you would like to pray with him, place your right hand in the air and place your left hand on the afflicted area."
So Harry places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch.
When she sees Harry do this, Kitty says, "Gee, honey. He said heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
(XXX#51) The conversation
Two Jewish American princesses were having lunch. Suzy complained that every time she and her husband Gary had sex, he hollered and yelled when he climaxed.
Miriam said, "So what's wrong with that?"
Suzy answered, "He wakes me UP!"
(XXX#52) On the beach
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely, before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
(XXX#53) Mirror, mirror on the wall
Moishe, tired of his wife Hette asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now Hette just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, Hette is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, Moishe comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, Hette fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" Hette asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," Moishe replies.
Hette stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.
Moishe shrugs. "It worked for your tush, didn't it?"
(XXX#54) The decision
A Jewish American Princess's husband was making love to his wife when suddenly, to his intense surprise, she wiggled and let out a short cry of delight.
"My God, honey!" he exclaimed. "What happened?"
"It's wonderful," she said.
"I finally decided that those curtains would look much better in peach."
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