Go to 2nd set of 'naughtier' jokes
(XXX#1) The trip to the doctor
Millie accompanied her husband Maurice to the doctor's office.
After he had given Maurice a full checkup, the doctor called Millie into his office, alone. He said, "Maurice is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, wake him up gently with a long and passionate kiss, then fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times and make sure he is always in a good mood. Cook him only his favourite meals, lunch and dinner and allow him to fully relax after each. Don't burden him with any chores and don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. Don’t argue with him, even if he criticises you or makes fun of you. Let him be as arrogant as he wants to be. Try to relax him in the evening by wearing see-through lingerie. Give him plenty of ‘full relief’ body massages. Encourage him to watch all the sport he can on the TV, even if it means missing your favourite programs. And most importantly, make full and passionate love with Maurice every evening after dinner and satisfy his every whim. I suggest you also make oral love to him mid morning and mid afternoon.
If you can do all of this, every day, for the next 6 months, I think Maurice will regain his health completely."
On the way home, Maurice asks Millie: "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
(XXX#2) The suitcases.
A customs agent stopped Sam, an elderly Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.
In the first suitcase, the agent found over 1 million pounds in £10 notes. "Excuse me, sir" he asked Sam, "where did you get all this money?"
"Vell, I'll tell you," Sam began, "I love Israel. For many years I travelled all around the world and stopped off at all of the public toilets in all the major cities; I vent to New York, I vent to London, I vent to Madrid, to Prague, to Paris, everywhere. As soon as I arrived, I vent into all the cubicles where the men were peeing and I say to them, "Give me £10 for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife."
"That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second suitcase?"
"Vell, you know," said Sam, shaking his head, "not everyone likes to give..."
(XXX#3) Seder Charity.
Moishe took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating.
A little while later a blind man came and sat down next to him. Feeling neighbourly, Moishe passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this shit?"
(XXX#4) Sabbath sex.
Barry wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
So Barry first of all goes to a catholic priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
Barry thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a protestant minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. Barry queries the minister and receives the same reply. "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath."
Not pleased with the replies, Barry then seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years’ tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi.
The rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
Barry replies, "Thank goodness but rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.
(XXX#5) The flasher-1
Sadie, an elderly Jewish lady, is leaving the garment district to go home from work.
Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes his wares in all their sordid glory. Unruffled, Sadie takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?"
(XXX#6) The brothel visit-1
The madam of a brothel answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb.
"May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice.
Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we--"
"I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls."
Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several of her girls line up for the rabbi. The rabbi tottered from one girl to another until he reached Rosie, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those."
The rabbi paid out the necessary money and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the rabbi performed with an adroitness and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm.
As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, rabbi?" The rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old." "That is certainly amazing. Listen, rabbi, if you're ever in the neighbourhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me--Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you." The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again." “Really, rabbi? Then please take a nap."
The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless."
Of course, rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbi's testicles free of the sheet for five minutes as the rabbi slept. Then he woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." And so he was, for to Rosie's delight he was even better the second time than the first.
As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?" "Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is a thousand pounds in cash."
(XXX#7) Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had lived next door one another for over 40 years and over the years became loving friends.
One day Mrs. Murphy came to Mrs. Cohen and said, "These houses are becoming to much for us. Let's sell them and we can each move into a home for the aged."
They agreed and some months later, each went into a retirement home of their respective religions.
But not long after, Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend Mrs. Cohen. When she arrived, she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said, "So how do you like it here."
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the wonderful facility and the wonderful carers. She then said, "And that’s not all. You know the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."
Mrs. Murphy said, "That’s wonderful. Tell me what you do."
Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of my bed. I let him touch me on the top and then down below and then we sing Jewish songs."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"
Mrs Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend.
Mrs. Cohen said, "That’s wonderful. So what do you do?"
"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of my bed. I let him touch me on top and then let him touch me down below."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And then what do you do?" Mrs. Murphy said, "Since we don’t know any Jewish songs, we f**k."
(XXX#8) The advert
Sarah has been married 6 times and divorced 6 times. There was something bad about every one of her ex-husbands, so Sarah put an advert in the Jewish Chronicle that said she needed a man who will not beat her, who will not run away from her, and who is good in bed.
Two weeks later, Sarah is quietly reading a book when she hears her doorbell ring. She opens the door and there is a guy with no arms or legs.
“Hello, how may I help you?” she says.
“Hi, I’m Bernard, and I’m here about your advert in the JC.”
“How do I know you meet my requirements?” Sarah says.
“Well, I can’t beat you because I have no arms, and I can’t run away from you because I have no legs.” he replies.
“But how do I know you’re good in bed?” she asks.
Bernard replies, “How do you think I rang the doorbell?
(XXX#9) The Chanukah party
Rachel and Moshe Cohen were invited to a posh masked, fancy dress Chanukah party.
Unfortunately, Rachel got a terrible headache and told Moshe to go to the party alone. Being a devoted husband, Moshe protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So Moshe put on his costume and mask and away he went to the party.
After sleeping soundly for an hour or so, Rachel awoke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. She knew that Moshe didn’t know what costume she was going to wear (how many husbands do?) and she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acts when she was not with him. So Rachel put on her costume and mask and drove off to the party.
Rachel soon spotted Moshe. He was fooling around on the dance floor, dancing with every girl he could, copping a little feel here and having a little kiss there. So Rachel sidled up to him and being a rather seductive lady, Moshe immediately left his partner and devoted all his time to her - to the new beauty that had just arrived.
Rachel let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. So when he whispered a little proposition in her ear, she agreed. Off they went to one of the parked cars and made mad, passionate love. Just before midnight, when everyone at the party had to take off their masks, Rachel slipped away, went home, put her costume away, got into bed, and wondered what kind of explanation Moshe would make for his behaviour.
Rachel was sitting up reading when Moshe came in and she asked what kind of time he had.
He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, Rachel, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I bumped into Yossi, Roberto, David and some other guys, so we went into a back room and played cards all night. But I can tell you, Rachel, the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”
(XXX#10) The sinner
Rabbi Goldberg stood before the Recording Angel, who was scrutinising his page in the Golden Book.
“Fantastic!” exclaimed the Angel. “Rabbi Goldberg, can it be? Your record shows nothing but mitzvahs! Tell me, in your whole life, didn’t you commit one sin?”
“Mr Angel,” replied the Rabbi, “I tried to live like a G-d fearing Jew.”
“But in a whole lifetime, not one - single - sin?”
“No, I’m s-sorry.”
“Well I can’t let you into heaven, Rabbi Goldberg! You already are an angel. I am going to have to send you back to earth for 24 hours and if you want to get into heaven, you’ll appear back here with at least one sin on your record. Goodbye.”
Poor Rabbi Goldberg was scooped back to earth. He wandered about, desolate, seeking to stray from virtue, not knowing how. The hours passed and the Rabbi grew uneasy.
Only 12 hours now remained. “Oh, G-d, blessed be your name, help me. Help me to sin. Just once!”
And then a woman signalled to him from a doorway. His prayers had been answered. How swiftly Rabbi Goldberg responded. The voluptuous woman led him to her room …. and to her bed.
Hours later, the Rabbi awoke. “What time is it?”
“Half past six.”
The Rabbi smiled. “At seven o’clock, someone is picking me up.”
He started to dress, chuckling.
But the chuckles froze when, from her bed, he heard the woman sigh, “I’m over 40 year’s old and I was a virgin - Oh, mister, what a mitzvah you performed last night!”
(XXX#11) A pointed story
Nathan, an elderly Jewish man, was out shopping in Brent Cross and came upon a pair of crocodile shoes.
He took a fancy to them so much that he buys them and even decides to wear them to go home in. He walks in the front door and says “Sylvia. Do you see anything different?”
She replies “No, Nathan”
Nathan says, “Take another look honey. Don't you see?”
“No”, she says.
So Nathan tells her to wait there. He then goes into the bedroom and takes off all his clothes except the shoes. He comes back downstairs and says “Now do you see anything different?”
She looks closely and says, “No, it’s drooping now, it was drooping yesterday, and it will be drooping tomorrow.”
“But honey, it’s looking right at my new shoes. Don’t you see?”
She says, “I think you should have bought a new hat instead.”
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: The Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
(XXX#13) The visit to the chemist
Abe walks into a chemist and asks for some condoms.
“Yes sir, do you want the Catholic pack, the Protestant pack or the Jewish pack?”
Abe asks, “What’s the difference?”
The chemist replies, “The Catholic pack has six, one for each day of the week but never on Sunday. The Protestant pack has eight, one for each day of the week and twice on Sunday. And of course the Jewish pack has 12”
“Why twelve?” asks Abe.
(The chemist sighs and counts on fingers) “January, February, March....”
(XXX#14) His 80th Birthday present
Moshe Levy was soon to be 80 years old and his friends didn’t know what to buy him. His wife had died some years ago and he did not go out very often, at least, not with the opposite sex.
In the end, they came to the conclusion that Moshe needed a Hooker, so they hired one.
She knocked on his door. When Moshe answered she said to him, “Happy birthday to you Mr Levy. I’ve come to offer you super sex.”
He replied “If it’s all right with you, I’ll have the soup!”
(XXX#15) Dancing not allowed
A couple, preparing for conversion, meet with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions. The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"
"That’s fine," says the rabbi. "It’s a mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO, CERTAINLY NOT!" says the rabbi. "That could lead to dancing!"
(XXX#16) The date
Two elderly Jewish ladies are having a discussion.
Rose: So Sadie, what are you doing tonight?
Sadie: Nothing much. I’m just going out with Mr. Goldberg.
Rose: Mr. Moshe Goldberg who lives in Finchley?
Sadie: Yes, him.
Rose: Oh Sadie, I went out with Mr. Goldberg only last week. You wouldn't believe what happened! He took me out to a nice dinner and then he brought me home. As soon as we were in my living room, he ripped off all my clothes and we had sex right there and then on my living room floor.
Sadie: G-tt im himmel! What should I do?
Rose: Only one thing you can do--wear a shmatah.
(XXX#17) A medical problem
Sadie Greenberg came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless and they have no odour. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's your prescription, Mrs. Greenberg. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week’s time."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Greenberg marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Greenberg," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
(XXX#18) The broken watch
David’s watch was not working. He remembered passing a little shop with clocks and watches in the window, so he took the watch in for repair.
"Can I help you?" asked the man behind the counter.
"I want this watch repaired," said David.
"I'm sorry. I don't repair watches."
"Well, how much for a new one then?" asked David.
"I don't sell watches."
"You don't sell watches?"
"No, I don't sell watches."
"Clocks, you sell clocks then? How much for a clock?"
"I don't sell clocks."
David was getting exasperated. "You don't sell watches, you don't sell clocks?"
"No, I’m a mohel," replied the man.
"Then why do you have all those clocks and watches in the window?"
"If you were a mohel, tell me, what would you put in your window?"
(XXX#19) The honeymoon
A young Jewish couple on their honeymoon in Bournemouth went to a bar one night and asked the bartender if there was any entertainment. The bartender replied, "Do we have any entertainment? Of course we do, in fact The Amazing Benny is performing this very night!"
With that, the lights lowered and a 70-year-old man hobbled onto the stage, dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three walnuts on it. He then took out his penis and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three walnuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, dragging his card table.
On their 20th anniversary, the same couple went back to Bournemouth and to the same bar for a drink. The bartender was the same guy from 20 years before. The couple began chatting about how 20 years ago they saw this unbelievable act in this bar. The bartender said, "YES, The Amazing Benny! He is performing here tonight!"
With that, the lights lowered and a 90-year-old man hobbled onto the stage, slowly dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three coconuts on it. He took out his penis and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three coconuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, slowly dragging his card table.
The couple were amazed and the husband said to the bartender, "He did that act 20 years ago when we were here...but then he did it with walnuts. Nu? So now he does this with coconuts?"
The bartender apologetically replied, "Well yes, 20 years ago he DID use walnuts. But of course, 20 years is 20 years and The Amazing Benny is not what he used to be...his eyes aren't so good now!"
(XXX#20) The mohel
A mohel had been busy all his life collecting all the little snippets he cut off at each Brit Hamilah.
By the time he retired, he had a huge plastic bag full of these cut-offs. What to do with them? Someone referred him to a tradesman down the street and he took his huge bag there, asking if this could be turned into something. "Sure," said the tradesman, "just leave it here and come back in four weeks' time."
When the mohel came back, the tradesman presented him with a tiny little wallet. The mohel could hardly hide his disappointment and said, "I brought you such an enormous bag full of snippets, and you make but the tiniest of wallets out of it?" Replies the tradesman: "Just wait till you stroke it a bit, and it turns into a huge suitcase!"
(XXX#21) The brothel visit-2
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all dishevelled and he looked needy.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges £1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten £100 notes. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again at the door of the brothel, demanding Natalie. Natalie came down and explained to him that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still £1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man:
"No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."
"Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me £3,000 to give to you."
(XXX#22) The conversation
Two gentlemen are using the facilities at Grand Central Station in New York.
One gentleman says to the other, "Are you from Borough Park?"
The other gentleman exclaims, "Yeah, how did you know that?"
The first gentleman says, "Do you belong to Temple Beth El?"
The second gentleman exclaims, "Yeah, how did you know that?"
The first gentleman says, "Is Rabbi Yablonobovitz, the mohel, still there?"
The second gentleman exclaims "Yeah, how did you know that?"
The first gentleman answers, "Because he always cuts on a slant, and you're peeing on my shoe!"
(XXX#23) The tailor
Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.
"Listen, Pincus," one said, "the last suits you made for us were sort of grey. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get."
"See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a roll of fabric. "This is the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There ain't no blacker cloth."
A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off.
"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.
"I don't know," she replied, "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left."
"What did he say?"
"He said, 'Pincus Fucktus'."
(XXX#24) For the girls
20 reasons why chocolate is better then Jewish sex
1.You can always get chocolate.
2.With chocolate, size doesn’t matter; it’s always good.
3.Chocolate satisfies, even when it has gone soft.
4.You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5.You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6.You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7.If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.
8.Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9.The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.
10.You can have chocolate on top of your desk without upsetting your work mates.
11.You can ask a stranger for chocolate without fear of getting into trouble.
12.You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13.With chocolate, there’s no need to fake it.
14.Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
15.You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16.Good chocolate is easy to find.
17.You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18.You are never to young or too old for chocolate.
19.When you have chocolate, it does not keep your neighbours awake.
20.“If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate.
(XXX#25) The bachelor boy
Maurice was very distraught at the fact that he had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. He was afraid he might have something wrong with him, so he decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Maurice’s doctor recommended that he see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so Maurice went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." Maurice did as he was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, Maurice did as he was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
So Maurice did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you no haf sex or dates."
Worried, Maurice asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked Maurice in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse."
(XXX#26) The flasher-2
Did you hear about the Jewish flasher who was thinking about retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year.
(XXX#27) The headache-1
Moshe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. So he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Moshe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. However, he couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, so he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, Moshe’s head was clear for the first time for ages. As he was walking down Golders Green High Street, he realised that he could make a new beginning and live a new life. As he walked past a clothes shop, Moshe thought, "That's what I need - a new suit. He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long."
Moshe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Moshe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly. As Moshe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Moshe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure"
The salesman eyed Moshe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16½ neck"
Moshe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Moshe tried on the shirt. It fitted perfectly. As Moshe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Moshe was on a roll and said, "Sure"
The salesman eyed Moshe’s feet and said, "Let's see, 9½E fitting."
Moshe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Moshe tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. Moshe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Moshe said, "Sure"
The salesman eyed Moshe’s head and said, "Let's see, 7 5/8."
Moshe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
The hat fitted perfectly. Moshe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Moshe thought for a second and said, "Sure"
The salesman stepped back, eyed Moshe’s waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Moshe laughed, "No, you're wrong this time. I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
(XXX#28) Riddle - What does the following
This useful tool is found in most married Jewish households. It is commonly found in the range of 6 to 8 inches long. Its functioning is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognise the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything has ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.
WHAT IS IT? (answer is below... read on!)
-ANSWER: A Toothbrush (what were you thinking?)
(XXX#29) The devil’s decision
Nicholas and Abe found themselves delivered together to Hell. One was Christian and the other Jewish.
A little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen.
She was 3'4", dirty, and was covered in thick black hair. Flies circled her and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Nicholas, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!"
Nicholas groaned as he was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up Abe and so he jumped when a second door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, Abe jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.
Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying, "CINDY, you have sinned...."
(XXX#30) Only one wish allowed
Harry Cohen walks into a pub carrying a small box. He puts the box down on the bar and opens the lid and music wafts out into the room. The man sitting next to Harry looks into the box and is amazed to find out that the music is coming from a tiny man playing a tiny grand piano inside the box. So, he asks Harry about it.
Harry responds, "I found this magic lamp, read the inscription on it and rubbed it. I've got the lamp right here."
Harry takes the lamp out of his pocket and reads the inscription aloud "Rub this lamp and it will grant you one wish."
The other guy asks, "Can I rub the lamp too?"
Harry shrugs and says, "I must point out that it doesn’t work as well as it should."
"Never mind." says the other guy, so Harry hands him the lamp.
After rubbing it for a moment, the bar starts to fill up with hound dogs. Literally thousands upon thousands of hound dogs. The 2nd guy looks totally stunned and says to Harry, "I didn't wish for hounds. I wished for a million pounds."
Harry looks at him and says, "I told you it didn’t always work. Do you think I wished for a ten inch pianist?"
Like most Jewish wives, Rachel could never get her husband to do anything around the house. Issy would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more – and he would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated Rachel quite a bit.
One day the toilet overflowed. When Issy got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is bunged up. Would you look at it?" Issy snarled, "What do I look like - Mr plumber?" and promptly sat down on the sofa to watch TV.
The next day, the vacuum cleaner wouldn't work. When Issy got home, Rachel said, very nicely, "Honey, the vacuum cleaner won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"
Once again, Issy growled, "What do I look like - Mr. Hoover?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When Issy got home, Rachel steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washing machine isn't running. Would you check on it?"
And again she was met with a snarl, "What do I look like - Mr Electrolux?"
Finally, Rachel had had enough. The next morning, she called three repairmen, one to fix the toilet, one, the vacuum cleaner, and the other the washing machine. When her husband got home, Rachel said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
Issy frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by either baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.
Rachel smiled. "What do I look like - Mrs Kipling?"
(XXX#32) The headache-2
Shlomo had been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures Shlomo is referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.
The doctor asks Shlomo what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and…"
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear."
"Yes, Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well, I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. But I’m OK now. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came, she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength around my head and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."
Two weeks go by and Shlomo is back.
"Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asked.
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."
(XXX#33) The return from work
Benny comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from his bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife, Sarah, naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries Sarah.
Benny rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Maurice is hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
Benny slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother Maurice, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You bonehead!" says Benny, "Sarah’s having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
(XXX#34) The Pope
Jacob was a shy gentleman. One day, he was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought Jacob. "I know I’m Jewish but I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, Jacob was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
"This is fantastic," thought Jacob. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to Jacob and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
Only one word leapt to mind....a vulgar one. "My goodness," thought Jacob, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word."
Jacob thought for a moment, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, Jacob said "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope, "Excuse me, but do you happen to have an eraser?"
(XXX#35) The accident
Benjy was in an accident and unfortunately, his penis got chopped off.
Benjy was rushed to hospital where the doctor examined him. After careful consideration, the doctor said to Benjy, “Don’t worry, we can replace it with a small sized penis for £5,000, a medium sized penis for £15,000, or an extra-large sized penis for £30,000. I realise it’s a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife.”
When the doctor came back into the room later that afternoon, he found Benjy staring sadly at the ceiling.
Benjy said, “My wife says she’d rather have a new kitchen.”
(XXX#36) The Japanese businessmen
Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha house.
The first businessman says, “Hiroshi-san, I have some unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonouring you.”
His friend can’t believe what he hears and asks for more information.
“It is as I said, Hiroshi-san. Your wife is dishonouring you - she is making love every afternoon with a foreigner of the Jewish faith.”
Shocked, Hiroshi-san decides to go home and confront his wife. He faces her and says, “I am told that you are dishonouring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith.”
She replies, “That’s a lie. Where did you hear such mishegoss?”
Go to 2nd set of 'naughtier' jokes
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