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(XXX#205) Do I or don't I love falafel?
Fanny has one big weakness - she will do anything for a plate of falafel. She just loves them at any time of day, but unfortunately they don’t seem to love her. They always react with her in an embarrassing manner - falafel make her fortz.
When she meets Victor and they fall in love, Fanny starts to worry that he would never want to marry someone with a falafel habit that regularly causes a gestank all around her. So she makes the supreme sacrifice – she gives up falafel. And it works. They eventually marry, with Victor still knowing nothing about her falafel problem.
Some months later, it's Fanny's birthday and as she drives to work that morning, she's in a great frame of mind. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, as she's driving home, her car breaks down. She calls Victor and tells him not to worry - she’s walking home and is therefore going to be late.
Five minutes into her walk home, she comes across, "Minky's Kosher Deli" and the smell of falafel instantly drives her wild. She quickly decides that it couldn't hurt to have one plate of falafel because any ill effects will have worn off by the time she gets home. So she goes into Minky's Deli and before she knows it, she’s consumed 9 falafel together with some pitta bread. She pays for the meal and continues on her walk home, but this time fortzing all the way. However, when she finally arrives home, she feels sure that the worst is over.
Victor is delighted to see her. "Darling," he says, "I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolds her and leads her into the dining room and onto her seat at the table. Just as he is about to remove her blindfold, the phone rings in the kitchen. As Victor goes to answer it, he makes Fanny promise to keep the blindfold on until he returns.
But things are not as perfect inside her stomach as Fanny thought they would be. The falafel are once again building up pressure inside her. However, as she can still hear Victor's voice in the kitchen, she makes a quick decision. She leans to one side and 'lets go' a loud fortz n' zovver. Fanny quickly and energetically fans the air around her. She then leans to the other side and lets rip another blockbuster. More follow, with Fanny listening out for Victor’s voice in the kitchen whilst she continues letting rip. But she immediately stops when she hears him end his call. She quickly and vigorously fans the air around her one more time, then smiling, awaits Victor's return.
Victor apologizes for taking so long, then asks, "And you haven't been a naughty girl, have you, and peeked under your blindfold?"
"No, of course I haven't," she replies.
So Victor removes her blindfold. And there, seated all around her on the table, are the twelve dinner guests invited by Victor to celebrate her birthday.
falafel: a deep-fried ball usually made from ground chickpeas and served in pita bread
gestank: a stink, a foul odour
fortz n' zovver: a foul-smelling fart.
(XXX#206)You never listen
During Hyman's brief stay at the Tel Aviv Hospital, he tries a number of times to go to the men's toilet, but each time he tries, someone is using it. He's now getting quite desperate.
Fortunately for him, one of the nurses notices Hyman's predicament and says to him, “I shouldn't really be saying this, Hyman, but you might want to try the ladies toilet. But please don't touch any of the buttons you'll see on the wall."
Hyman says he wouldn't, thanks the nurse for her help, and then quickly goes into the ladies toilet.
As he sits there relieving himself, Hyman notices the buttons on the wall next to him. There are 4 of them - three are blue buttons labeled WW, WA, and PP and the fourth is a red one labeled ATR. Now Hyman is not only an inquisitive person but also someone who loves pressing buttons. So believing that no one would know, Hyman presses the blue WW button and immediately feels lovely 'warm water' spraying and cleaning his toches and baitsim area. "Oy!" he says to himself. "These women have it easy."
He then presses the blue WA button and the warm water immediately ceases to be replaced by 'warm air' drying his toches and baitsim area. "Oy Oy!" he says to himself, "These women have it all."
He then presses the blue PP button and the warm air immediately ceases to be replaced by a giant 'powder puff' gently caressing his toches and baitsim area. "Oy Oy Oy!" he says to himself, these woman don't know how pampered they are."
He then presses the red ATR button and immediately unbelievable pain overtakes him and he passes out. When he regains consciousness he's in the Hospital's emergency room. And looking after him was the nurse who had told him he could use the ladies toilet. "Welcome back to the land of the living," she says to him. "Didn't I tell you not to press any buttons? You men are all the same, you never listen. The red ATR button is our Automatic Tampon Remover. But don't worry, though. We managed to save your shvantz. It's under your pillow!"
toches:the rear end, bottom, buttocks
(XXX#207) A quiz for the ladies
Q: Why does a man become smarter during sex with a woman?
A: Because he is plugged into a genius
Q: Why don't women blink during sex?
A: Because they don't have enough time
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because they won't stop to ask directions
Q: Why did god make men before women?
A: Because you need a rough draft before you make a final copy
Q: How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
A: I don't know.....it’s never happened
Q: Why did god put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn
(XXX#208) Learning from the bull
Joshua and his wife Shoula are on holiday in Madrid and today they are visiting the local Zoo. As they walk around, they see a sign pointing to the Bull Breeding Area. Intrigued, they follow the sign and soon come up to a cage containing a large bull. On the cage is the sign: -
IN THE LAST 12 MONTHS, JOSEPH THE BULL HAS MATED 50 TIMES!
Shoula playfully nudges Joshua and says with a not-too-wide smile, "See darling, Joseph was able to mate fifty times last year.'
They then walk to the next cage which has the sign: -
IN THE LAST 12 MONTHS, ISSY THE BULL HAS MATED 100 TIMES!
Shoula again playfully nudges Joshua and says with a wry smile, "See darling, Issy was even able to mate one hundred times last year. That's about twice every week. I bet Issy could teach you something!"
They then walk to the last cage. On this cage is the sign: -
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, DAVID THE BULL WAS ABLE TO MATE 150 TIMES IN THE LAST 12 MONTHS!
Shoula again nudges Joshua, this time a bit more vigorously, and with a crooked smile says, "David is my hero. He was able to do it three times a week, every week, for the whole of last year. David could really, and I mean really, teach you something of use."
At this remark, Joshua turns to Shoula and says, "I have a good idea. Why don't you get inside David's cage, go over to your hero bull, and ask him whether the three times a week was with the same old stupid cow!"
NOTE: Readers will be pleased to learn that Joshua's condition has now improved enough for the hospital to upgrade his status from "serious" to "stable." The hospital also thinks that he should soon be able to fly back home to London to join his wife Shoula.
(XXX#209) What do you do for a living?
[My thanks to John T for the following]
Leah walks into Paul the accountant's office and tells him that she needs him to help her complete her tax return for the previous financial year. After agreeing a price, they sit down and go through Leah's paperwork. Paul starts by asking for her full name, address, and National Insurance Number. He then asks her, "And what do you do for a living Leah, what's your occupation?"
"I'm a kurveh," replies Leah. "I assume you know what a kurveh is?"
"Very funny, Leah," says Paul. "Yes, I do know what a kurveh is. But what do you really do?"
"But I am a whore," says Leah. "Really I am."
"Hold on Leah," says Paul, looking quite shocked, "You know I can't put such a job title down on your tax return. Can you think of some other suitable title?"
"How about a High Class Call Girl?" replies Leah.
"No, no, Leah," replies Paul. "I still don't think such a job title will be acceptable to the Inland Revenue. If you can't think of anything suitable, I won't be able to help you any further."
"OK," says Leah, "How about me being an Elite Chicken Farmer?"
"That might just be OK," replies Paul, "but what on earth does you being a chicken farmer have to do with you being a kurveh?"
"Because I'm sure I must have raised a thousand little peckers in the last financial year," replies Leah.
"OK, Leah," say Paul, "a Chicken Farmer you are."
kurveh: Trollop, a prostitute, a woman who trades on her sexuality for money, gifts or position
(XXX#210) A fitting divorce
One day, sobbing uncontrollably, Rivkah rings her mother. "Oh mummy," she cries, "I've got some terrible news to tell you."
"Oh my poor bubbeleh," says her mother, "so tell me already. What is it?"
"Harry and I are getting divorced," replies Rivkah.
"Nu? So why is this?" asks her mother.
"I'm divorcing Harry because all he wants from me is sex, sex and yet more sex. Sex is on his mind from morning to night. Sometimes, he even forces me to have sex with him, even when I'm too tired to stay awake. Oh mummy, I just can't take it any more. Not only am I suffering mentally, but I'm suffering physically as well."
"What do you mean by 'suffering physically'?" asks her mother.
"Well when Harry and I first got married," replies Rivkah, "my vagina was the size of a 10p coin. But after all the sex he demands from me, it's now the size of a 50p coin."
When her mother hears this, she says to Rivkah, "OK bubbeleh, so let me summarise the situation as I see it. On the positive side, ONE: You married a multi-millionaire and you currently live in a ten bedroom mansion in Golders Green complete with indoor swimming pool, outside tennis court and 10 acres of garden. TWO: You and Harry both have your own cars - yours, I know, being a Lamborghini Gallardo. THREE: You get £5,000 a week allowance from Harry to spend on anything you want. FOUR: You and Harry are able to regularly take at least four holidays every year. And FIVE: You also have 6 servants to help maintain your home.
But on the negative side, your vagina has increased in size from 10p to 50p. So nu? Are you really telling me that you are willing to divorce Harry, and give up all of the positives, for just 40p?"
bubbeleh: term of endearment (like dear, pet, honey)
(XXX#211) A golfing problem
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Judith joins a golf club to help her meet new friends, and Maurice, the club Pro, is assigned to look after her. After weeks of tuition, Judith is about to tee off on her first round of golf.
It's a very hot day and Judith, like many of the women there, is wearing golfing shorts. She starts her round but almost immediately is stung by a bee. The pain from the sting is so severe that she cannot continue. So she walks back to the clubhouse as fast as she can.
She soon finds Maurice and goes over to him.
"Why are you back so early, Judith?" he asks.
"I've just been stung by a bee," Judith replies, grimacing.
"You're looking very pale, Judith," says Maurice. "So where were you stung?"
"I was stung somewhere between the first and second hole," Judith replies.
"Then I think your stance must have been too wide," says Maurice.
(XXX#212) So much more
An Episcopalian Bishop, a Methodist Preacher and a Rabbi, together with their wives, are on a plane taking them on holiday when their plane crashes. All 200 passengers on board perish. Almost immediately, all the crew and passengers find themselves standing in a long line leading up to a Heavenly Committee led by its Chairman.
First in line to reach the Chairman are the Episcopalian Bishop and his wife. The Chairman puts down his Book of Records, looks at the Bishop, and says, "I'm very sorry but I can't let you in. The Book of Records shows that you have been a very moral and upright person, but you loved money much more than you should have. So much more, in fact, that you even married a woman named Penny."
As soon as he has said this, the Chairman waves his hand and both the Bishop and his wife are sent down a very long chute to that "other place."
Next in line to reach the Chairman are the Methodist Preacher and his wife. The Chairman puts down his Book of Records, looks at the Preacher, and says, "I'm very sorry but I can't let you in. The Book of Records shows that you have been a very moral and upright person and abstained from drinking any alcohol, but you loved junk food more than you should have. So much more, in fact, that you even married a woman named Candy."
As soon as he had said this, the Chairman waves his hand and both the Preacher and his wife are sent down a very long chute to that "other place."
Next in line to reach the Chairman is the Rabbi and his wife. But having just seen what has happened to the Bishop and the Preacher, the Rabbi turns to his wife and says, "Oy Vey iz meer, it's not looking at all good for us, Fanny."
(XXX#213) Adam and Eve’s choice – version 2
[NB This is joke (XXX#130) with an alternative ending]
Soon after God completes the World, he finds that he has two remaining items to give out. He quickly decides that he will give one to Adam and one to Eve and to be fair, he will let each choose which one they want. As soon as he tells them what he aims to do, they naturally ask him what his give-aways are.
So God explains to them, "One of the items I have to give away is a thingy that allows its owner to pee while standing up. It's very useful. The other thing I have is ………"
But Adam is no longer listening. As soon as he hears about the ‘stand-up-peeing’ device, he starts to jump up and down like an excited little boy. "Oooh, I’d just love one of those," he says to God. "To be able to do that would be just brilliant. Please God, let me have it."
God turns to Eve and says, "Nu Eve? So what do you think?"
Eve just smiles and replies, "Well God, as Adam desperately wants it, let him have it."
So God gives it to Adam. Adam is thrilled to receive it and immediately uses it on the flowers. He then runs off to write his name in the sand. God watches Adam for a few minutes, then turns to Eve and says, "Well, Eve, here's the other item I have. It’s all yours."
"What's it called?" asks Eve.
"Multiple Orgasms," replies God.
(XXX#214) Monty's hat
[My thanks to Shlomo S for the following]
Monty is lying on his back sunbathing on Kent's Margate beach. It's so hot that he's sunbathing naked, but as he doesn't want his 'private parts' to embarrass anyone nor get sunburned, he's covered them up with his sunhat.
But this doesn't prevent Sadie walking over to him and saying, with a cheeky smile, "How rude you are. If you were a real gentleman, you would have lifted your hat to me."
On hearing this, Monty opens his eyes, looks carefully at Sadie, and says, "Why should I do this? If you weren't so ugly, my hat would have lifted up all by itself."
(XXX#215) Thinking ahead
Not very long ago two brothers named Pinchas and Asher Nussberg open a tailor shop in London's New Bond Street. Hoping that their business is going to allow them to go global, they call their shop NUSSBERG INTERNATIONAL.
Over the following years, their business grows, but not as fast as they think it should. So they go to a business consultant for advice. The consultant strongly suggests that anglicizing their firm's name and type of business would definitely bring in more customers. So they take the expert's advice, complete all the necessary paperwork, and change the sign above their shop to their new name NUSS - HIGH CLASS TAILORS LTD
Then finally, they tell Hannah, their receptionist, that from now onwards she must answer the phone with, "Good Morning. You're through to Nuss the high class tailors. Who would you like to talk to?"
As soon as Hannah hears this, she says, "In that case, gentlemen, I resign."
Shocked, they say, "But why Hannah? We need you. What's wrong with such an introduction?"
"Because if the caller then says he would like to talk to Mr Nuss, I would have to ask whether it was Mr A Nuss or Mr P Nuss?'"
(XXX#216) The Bakery
Sidney is on a city holiday and decides to go on a tour to various local establishments. Today, he is visiting one of the City's large bakeries. As he walks around the factory, he can't help noticing a large number of men sitting on a long wooden bench. They are all naked from the waist up and all are flattening small balls of dough on their stomachs. He's fascinated, so he goes over to his guide and asks what the men are doing.
"That's how they make flat rolls in this factory," replies the guide.
"Oy Vey!" says Sidney. "Using bare skin in the preparation of food would definitely not be allowed in the UK. It's unsanitary."
"What do you mean unsanitary?" says the guide. "We think it's perfectly OK. And in any case, if you think bare stomachs are unacceptable, you just wait until I take you to the other side of the factory."
"Why?" asks Sidney.
"Because you will then discover how we make bagels here," replies the guide.
(XXX#217) A big increase
[My thanks to Asher for the following]
Over the past few weeks, Aharon's shlong seems to have increased not only in size but also in the time it can stay erect. Although he wasn't complaining - and his wife Rachel certainly wasn't complaining - Aharon decides to measure its rate of increase. Two weeks later, his tape measure shows that his shlong has increased in length by nearly 2 inches.
But then, as the weeks pass, Aharon does begin to worry because he's now having difficulty in putting on his underwear and trousers. Soon, he has no choice but to go to see doctor Myers, a well known urologist. Rachel goes with him.
Doctor Myers gives Aharon a full examination after which he says to them both, "I can find nothing seriously wrong with Aharon other than a disease called Donkey Shmuck. And you'll also be pleased to learn that I can easily cure him of this by a simple, straight forward operation."
When she hears this, Rachel says, "So nu, doctor, after the operation, how long will my Aharon have to remain on crutches?"
"Crutches, Rachel?" says doctor Myers. "I don't understand. Why do you think your Aharon will be on crutches after the operation?"
"Well you are, I hope, going to cure his problems by lengthening his legs?" replies Rachel.
shlong: male organ
shmuck: male organ; a stupid person
(XXX#218) Three important questions for a married man
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
"So nu Benny, where have you been?" asks his friend Nathan. "We've all missed you at the bridge club."
"I've just come out of hospital," replies Benny.
"Oy! So why didn't you tell me?" asks Nathan, "I could have visited you."
"I was too embarrassed to tell you," answers Benny.
"OK, but you're out now." says Nathan. "So tell me why you had to go in."
"OK," says Benny, "I was in hospital because I had to have my wedding ring cut off from my shlong."
"Oy vey! How did your ring get there?" asks Nathan, with a bit of a smile on his face.
"One night, while I was asleep," replies Benny, "Ruth my mistress was putting my trousers away in her wardrobe when my wedding ring fell out of my trouser pocket onto the floor. She was so angry with me for not telling her that I was already married, that while I slept, she stuck my wedding ring over my shlong. When I awoke next morning, I just couldn't get it off, so I had to go into hospital. And of course, I had to tell my wife Sharon that I was in hospital, and why."
"So how do you feel now?" asks Nathan.
"Well, I'm in no pain now, thank God," replies Benny, but as a married man, I keep on asking myself what was worse about this event:
1. Was it explaining to my wife Sharon how my wedding ring got onto my shlong in the first place?; or
2. Was it having my mistress Ruth find out that I was still married? or
3. Was it discovering that my wedding ring can fit over my shlong?
(XXX#219) A more yiddisher version of XXX#143
[My thanks to Lynn's friend for the following]
A bubbeh had waited a long time for a male grandchild. After four girls, there was a boy. She doted on him. On his fourth birthday she took him to Coney Island. After many rides, toys and treats, bubbeh noticed that her little ainicle was uncomfortable. She asked him what was wrong.
He replied, "ich darf pisshen." Looking around, she could see no toilet nearby so she took the little boy into a narrow alley between two buildings, took down his pants and, as he peed, began to kvell. She said repeatedly, "a leiben aff don petzele!" "S'hut vert a millyun dollas!!".
While she doted with overflowing satisfaction on her evaluation, a man opened a window in the nearby tenement, looked down and called, "Lady, efsher ihr vilt aroof koomen, mir gib'n a! ! n estimate?"
"ich darf pisshen": "I need to urinate."
kvell: express a special joy that could come only from one's offspring
"A leiben aff don petzele!": "Bless your little penis."
"s'hut vert a millyun dollas!!": "It's worth a million dollars."
"efsher ihr vilt aroof koomen, mir gib'n a! ! n estimate?": "Perhaps you would come up here and give me an estimate?"
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