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THE ELEVENTH SET OF NAUGHTIER JEWISH JOKES
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(XXX#195) Finders keepers!
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
One summer evening, as they’re quietly lying in bed, Isaac surprises his wife Ruth - and in over 20 years of marriage, surprising her is not something he’s won prizes for. Ruth suddenly feels his hands start to move over her body and soon he’s fondling her in ways that she hasn't experienced in years.
His fingers begin by stroking her neck. Then they start moving down to the small of her back, stopping as they softly caress her shoulders. Then his fingers start moving again, slowly sliding down over her breasts and stopping when they reach her stomach. All this time, his fingers are continually moving around.
They then begin again by caressing the inside of her right arm, moving gently down the side of her breast, continuing down her side, passing gently over her toches and then down her right leg to her calf. Then his fingers start moving up her inner thigh, stopping at the uppermost portion of her right leg.
A few seconds later, Isaac’s fingers start to work on Ruth’s left side, following the same path as before and ending at the uppermost portion of her left leg.
Then as suddenly as it had began, and without saying a word to her, Isaac stops, removes his hand and rolls over onto his side.
Naturally, Ruth has become quite aroused by all of the sexy caressing she has just experienced, so she says to Isaac in a soft and sexy voice, "That was a marvellous thing you were just doing to me darling. But nu? Why have you stopped?"
"Because I found what I was looking for," replies Isaac.
"So what were you looking for, darling?" asks Ruth, seductively.
"The remote control," he replies.

(XXX#196) A nurse complains
Nathan meets his friend Victor at Brent Cross shopping centre and asks him, "So Victor, how did your yearly medical check go this morning? Was everything all right? Or is there yet something else you now need to reduce or eliminate from your lifestyle?"
"Now that you ask, Nathan, everything was fine, thank you," replies Victor. "But Oy, did I get upset when the nurse started lecturing me."
"Why did she do that?" asks Nathan.
"Because she said she thought it would be better for me if I could cut down on my masturbating," replies Victor.
"Well I think she’s out of order," says Nathan. "What’s wrong with a bit of masturbation? Surely she knows that most men of our age indulge in it?"
"Yes," says Victor, "I’m sure she does. But she was trying to examine me at the time."

(XXX#197) Value for money
[My thanks to Richard K for the following]
As 70 year old Shlomo is taking his afternoon stroll, he notices a woman walking towards him with what he thinks are the most perfect breasts he has ever seen. So when she reaches him, he says to her, "Please don’t be angry, but I think you’ve got the most wonderful breasts I’ve ever seen. If I gave you £10, would you let me kiss them?"
"Don’t be stupid you crazy old man," she replies and keeps on walking.
Shlomo turns around and shuffles after her. When he catches up with her, he asks, "So would you let me kiss your breasts just the once for £20?"
"Listen, you pervert," she replies, "you’ve got the wrong woman. I’m not like that." And she continues to walk away from him.
Once again Shlomo shuffles after her, but when he reaches her this time, he takes out his wallet and says, "So would you let me kiss your breasts just the once for £50? I have the money here in my wallet."
At that she stops walking, thinks for a few seconds, looks at Shlomo carefully, thinks a bit more, then replies, "For £50 … just the once …  OK then. But I don’t want anyone to see us, so let’s go over there behind that tree."
They cross the road, get behind the tree, and she takes off her top and bra. And Shlomo was right. Her breasts are perfectly formed. He immediately starts caressing them and burying his face in them. But he does not kiss them.
"Well then mister," she says, "I thought you desperately wanted to kiss them. Do you or don’t you?"
"No I don’t," replies Shlomo. "Kissing them is too expensive!"

(XXX#198) A new lesson
[My thanks to Peter M for the following]
It’s Sunday, the day Arnold and Esther invite friends to join them for an evening of Bridge. Tonight, it’s Brian and Carolyn’s turn to play against them. After the usual chat to bring everyone up-to-date with what’s been happening since they last met, it’s time to play. But before the first hand can be dealt, Arnold and Esther’s 10 year old son Paul enters the room and says his toches is sore. He’s quickly told to get back to bed. But within minutes, he’s down again interrupting the game. This time, he wants some water. He’s again told to get back upstairs. But he soon returns saying he can’t get to sleep.
Just then, Brian asks Arnold, "Is it OK for me to go upstairs with Paul? I think I can help him."
"Of course it is," replies Arnold.
So Brian and Paul go upstairs together. Ten minutes later, Brian returns without Paul, picks up his hand, and the game continues. And amazingly, for the rest of the evening, there’s no noise from upstairs and Paul does not re-appear.
At the end of the evening, as Brian and Carolyn are leaving, Arnold asks Brian what he said to Paul.
"Oh, it was nothing really," replies Brian. "I just taught Paul how to masturbate."

(XXX#199) The start up
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
Benny, Sam, and Lionel have been friends ever since they all worked at Minkys Tailor Shop. And they always meet at Brent Cross shopping centre on a Wednesday to partake in chat and gossip. This Wednesday, Sam and Lionel quickly notice how serious Benny is.
So Sam asks, "Nu, Benny, why the serious face?"
"I’m doing some serious thinking, that’s why," replies Benny. "We are such close friends that I think we should come out of retirement and open up our own tailoring business together. In fact I think it’s such a good idea, I’m prepared to put £20,000 into the business. What do you two think?"
"Great idea, Benny," replies Sam, "And I’ll put in £5,000."
Benny then turns to Lionel and says, "Nu?"
"I think it’s an idea that might or might not work," says Lionel, "so I’ll put in £500."
"Good," says Benny. "So here’s how we’ll organise ourselves. As I’m going to put in the most money, I’ll be the Chairman and Managing Director. Sam here will be the Finance Director, and you Lionel will be the company’s Sexual Advisor."
"And what may I ask do you mean by that?" asks Lionel, a little bit shocked. "What’s a Sexual Advisor?"
"Well, Lionel, it’s a simple role," replies Benny. "Whenever we need your fu**ing advice, we will ask you for it."

(XXX#200) A naughty poem
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
There once was a Jew from Peru
Who had great trouble trying to screw
His wife said, "Oy vay
If you go on this way
The Moshiach will come before you."

(XXX#201) Eating disorder
[My thanks to Richard K for the following]
Bernard thinks he has a medical problem and goes to see Doctor Myers about it. When he gets there, Bernard says, "Docta, Docta, I've got a problem.  Every time I eat beets, I sh*t beets.  Every time I eat carrots, I sh*t carrots and every time I eat potatoes, I sh*t potatoes.  Docta, Docta, you’ve got to help me. I’m so worried - vot should I do?"
Doctor Myers immediately answers, "Nu, ess' dreck."

nu, ess' dreck: so, eat sh*t

(XXX#202) Many mazels
[My thanks to Harvey B for the following]
Aaron is walking down Golders Green Road one day when he meets Sidney, an old friend whom he hasn't seen for ages. "Sidney, great to see you, how are you?" he asks.
Sidney replies, "I'm good, but I must tell you that I've changed my name from Sidney to Mazel."
"Oh, why is that?" asks Aaron.
"Well, what happened was that a few months ago I was flying back from a holiday in Israel when my plane crash lands at Heathrow and blows up, killing all on board except me. How lucky was that?"
"That was certainly lucky," replies Aaron.
After reminiscing, the two part company and Aaron says, "take care Mazel, see you again."
Some weeks later Aaron meets his old friend again in Waitrose supermarket.  "Hey, Mazel, how are you?" asks Aaron.
Mazel replies, "I'm no longer called Mazel. I've changed my name to Mazel Mazel.  What happened was that I had been on a Mediterranean cruise when the boat capsizes and everyone drowns except me. Would you believe it? Now is that luck or what?"
After talking for a while Aaron says, "I must go now. Take care of yourself Mazel Mazel.  See you around."
Some weeks pass when again Aaron bumps into his old friend. "Hey Mazel Mazel, how are you doing?"
His friend replies, "Fine, but I must tell you I've changed my name to Mazel Mazel Mazel.  I was in a multiple car pile up on the motorway and everyone involved in the crash was killed, except me.  Is that lucky or what?"
"That's unbelievable," says Aaron.  "Anyway I'm in a rush, I'll see you again Mazel Mazel Mazel."
A month later, Aaron is in the high street when he sees his old friend in a wheelchair. "Oh my God," says Aaron, "Mazel Mazel Mazel what happened to you?"
His friend replies, "Firstly I must tell you that I've changed my name to Mazel Mazel Mazel Mazel."
"What are you talking about?" says Aaron. "You were called Mazel Mazel Mazel, you're now in a wheelchair and yet now you’re calling yourself Mazel Mazel Mazel Mazel. I don't understand."
"Well," explains Mazel Mazel Mazel Mazel, "the other week, my girlfriend and I had been out and we returned to her apartment. We couldn't even wait to get to bed, so we began to make love on the lounge floor. All of a sudden the enormous chandelier on the ceiling crashed and landed on me. Was that luck or what?"
"But I fail to understand," says Aaron. "The chandelier landed on you, resulting in your permanent invalidity and yet you changed your name to Mazel Mazel Mazel Mazel."
"Think about it Aaron," says Mazel Mazel Mazel Mazel, "if it hadn't been for good old position 69, the chandelier would have landed on my head, and then I would have been dead!"

(XXX#203) A ‘rule of thumb’ for women
If it has tyres or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it

(XXX#204) Panic attack
[My thanks to Martin B for the following]
Laurence and Talia’s marriage is not going too well. And it’s a sexual problem that’s causing the problem – Laurence is nearly 70 years old and not too surprisingly is having difficulty in first of all getting an adequate erection and then sustaining it. Talia is regularly unfulfilled and is a very frustrated lady.
But one day, whilst reading the Jewish Chronicle newspaper, Laurence is excited to read of a new impotence clinic that has just opened in Hendon. The JC article mentions that the clinic offers a revolutionary injection that results in an erection guaranteed to last for one hour. Laurence immediately goes to the clinic and half an hour after arriving, he has the injection. He then rushes home to Talia.
But when he gets home, Laurence starts to panic – he remembers that Talia is having lunch with her friend and won’t be back for some time. So he phones the clinic’s doctor.
"Doctor, doctor," he cries out, "I’m in trouble. I’ve just got back home with an incredible erection and my wife is not home to enjoy it. What should I do? It won’t last until she returns home."
The doctor replies, "Well then, all I can suggest is that you go next door and use it on your neighbour’s wife."
"Don’t be stupid, doctor", says Laurence. "For my neighbour’s wife, I don't need the injection".
 

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