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This is the ninth set of jokes
(#241) Mrs Goldstein’s golfing special
Mrs Goldstein was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog looked up at her and said , "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
Not a person to miss a trick, Mrs Goldstein immediately freed the frog.
The frog thanked her and said "I’m sorry
but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes -- that
whatever you wish for yourself, Mr Goldstein will get ten times more or
Mrs Goldstein replied, "That’s OK – I’m happy to accept your condition. For my first wish, I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world.” The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make Mr Goldstein the most handsome man in the world, women will flock to him like bees to honey."
Mrs Goldstein replied, "It’s not a problem, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.
So, "KAZAM" -- Mrs Goldstein is the most
beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, Mrs Goldstein asked to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make Mr Goldstein the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." Mrs Goldstein said, " It’s not a problem, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, "KAZAM"- Mrs Goldstein is the richest
woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish to which Mrs Goldstein answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever B**ches. Don't mess with them.
(#242) A very important question
Bernie is a very wealthy man indeed.
One day in June, he goes on holiday with his latest, much younger girlfriend, Sarah. As the days in the sun wore on, Bernie and Sarah began to talk about the differences in their ages and interests between them.
Bernie took this opportunity to ask Sarah what was, to him, an important question. He asked, “If I lost everything, all my money, my mansion, my Rolls Royce, tomorrow, would you still love me, Sarah?”
“Yes, darling,” said Sarah, “and I’d miss you too.”
(#243) An accumulation of wealth
Jack Jacobs was one day poking through his wife Suzie’s bureau when he came across 2 golf balls and £5,000 in cash. He just didn’t know what to make of these, so he confronted Suzie with this evidence. “You don’t even play golf!”
“I know dear.” Suzie said. “We’ve had some difficult times during our marriage and - well - there were other men. Each time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in that drawer to remind me of my error.”
“I see,” replied Jack. “That explains the 2 golf balls. What about the £5,000?”
“Oh,” beamed Suzie, “every time I collected a dozen golf balls, I sold them.”
(#244) The book purchase
Did you hear about Moishe, who was sexually inexperienced? One day, Moishe went into a bookshop and bought “How to Hug ”
Later on, when he started to read his latest purchase, Moishe realised it was Volume 7 of the Encyclopaedia Britannica.
(#245) The champion of champions
One day, some builders are renovating an old building in Jerusalem when Solly, one of the workers, falls through the rotten floor into a previously undiscovered cellar. As the dust settles, Solly sees to his horror a skeleton lying in the corner. The skeleton is wearing a blue and white sash with these words written on it: -
“ALL ISRAEL HIDE-AND-SEEK CHAMPION 1948”
(#246) Who will it be, then?
Moishe had been single for a long time. One day, he excitedly tells his mother that he's fallen in love at last and he is going to get married. She is obviously overjoyed.
Moishe then tells his mother, "Just for fun, Mum, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
His mother agrees.
The next day, Moishe brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they all chat for a while. Then Moishe turns to his mother and says, "Okay, Mum. Guess which one I'm going to marry?"
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Mum. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
(#247) I’ve lost my appetite
Two little old ladies, Gertrude and Zelda, were sitting on a park bench near Golders Green having a serious conversation.
"Gertrude," said Zelda, "I don't understand something. I simply have no appetite lately. No matter how much I try to eat, I have no appetite."
Gertrude said, "Listen Zelda, my doctor, the lovely Doctor Myers, once told me that if I didn't have an appetite I should take a little piece of herring before meals and I would soon get an appetite.
So I tried it and it was true. So take my advice, Zelda and try a little piece of herring before lunch and you'll see, you'll develop an appetite."
A few days later the two meet again in the park.
"Nu, Zelda, how do you feel now? Did the herring give you an appetite?"
Zelda sighed, "I took your advice. First I had a little piece of herring. Then I had a whole herring. I really wanted to give it a chance, so I ate six herrings. But Gertrude, your advice didn't work for me. Would you believe, when lunch time came, I had absolutely no appetite!"
(#248) I can’t sleep
"Listen to me, Mr. Levy," said the doctor. "If you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you will have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know, but I can't," said Herb Levy. "My wife refuses to sleep alone."
(#249) As Prompt as the Tailor
Maurice Gold took his new pair of trousers to a tailor in Stamford Hill to have them altered. But the next day, Maurice was called to Manchester on a last-minute job assignment. It was over 5 years before he was able to return to his Stamford Hill home.
One day, while he was dressing, Maurice reached into his jacket pocket and to his surprise found the tailor's receipt for his trousers. So Maurice went straight away to the tailor's shop, which fortunately was still there.
Maurice handed him the receipt, and asked, "Are my trousers here?"
"Yes, of course," said the tailor. "Be ready next Tuesday."
(#250) The interview
Solly, an orthodox Jew, goes to a job interview with a gentile employer.
In the course of the interview, which was going well, the employer asks Solly what kind of salary he is looking for.
Thinking of his large family and the many bills that have to be paid, Solly quickly replies that he'd needs around £50k per annum.
The employer replies that in today's market and with Solly's limited skill set, he is only prepared to pay £40k per annum.
Upon hearing this, Solly tells him "...listen even though I am an orthodox Jew and keep kosher, I still have to bring home the bacon!!"
(#251) The recovery
Irwin Meyers was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Kitty, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, Kitty continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" Kitty asked Irwin.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
(#252) I can hear you
Maurice Goldblatt was showing off. He said to his friend Sam, "I bought a hearing aid yesterday. It cost me £2,000.
Sam said, "That’s expensive, isn’t it? "
Maurice replied, "Yes, but it is state of the art."
"What kind is it?" Sam asked.
"A quarter to twelve," said Maurice.
(#253) The warning
David, a senior citizen, was driving down the M25 towards Edgware, when his mobile phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "David, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the M25. So please be careful!"
"Hell," said David, "It's not just one...there are dozens of them!"
(#254) The obituary
Mandelbaum died and his wife, Sarah, phoned the Jewish Chronicle to place an obituary.
Sarah said to them, "This is what I want you to print: ....Bernie is dead."
The JC man said, "But for £25, you are allowed to print six words."
Sarah answered, "Okay, then print: .....Bernie is dead. Lexus for sale."
(#255) Who Made You?
Five year old Emma was sitting on her grandfather David’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, Emma would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch David’s wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally Emma spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, darling," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, sweetheart," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, Emma observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
(#256) Questions and Answers
Q: Hear about the enterprising rabbi that's offering circumcision via the Internet?
A: The service is called E-MOIL.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
(#257) And God Created Israel
On the sixth day, God turned to the Angels and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Israel, it will be a land of mountains full of snow, sparkly lakes, forests full of all kind of trees, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Israeli, and they shall be known to the most people on earth."
"But Lord, asked the Angels, don't you
think you are being too generous to these Israeli's?"
"Not really, God replied, just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."
Flush with the success of its latest creation, CBS is launching a new version, called Jewish Survivor.
16 Jews are put in a two-bedroom flat near Brent Cross in London. Each week they vote out one member until there is a final survivor who gets £1 million (but placed into a trust that does not vest until age 59).
1. No maid service, no au-pairs.
2. No use of ATMs or credit cards.
3. No food must be bought in from take-aways or be delivered. This includes Chinese food.
4. All purchases must be retail.
5. Outside trips must be by foot, bus or underground. No cars, hire cars or taxis allowed.
6. All workouts/exercise must be done in regular sweatshirts - no designer labels.
7. There will only be one phone line for all 16 Tribe members. No call can last more than 3 minutes.
8. No mobile phones allowed.
9. No telephone calls to mother (for women), or the office (for men).
10. Maintenance problems must be resolved by the Tribe, without any help from any gentile.
11. No consulting with lawyers.
Only problem: We hear there have been no applicants as yet.
(#259) The question
[My thanks to Roberto Haddon for the following riddle]
How does an Israeli man commit suicide?
Answer: He jumps from his ego to his IQ.
(#260) The operation
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when! I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."
(#261) Eternal Jewish Truths of Your
o The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
o If you can’t say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
o If it tastes good, it’s probably not Kosher.
o No one looks good in a yarmulke.
o Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
o WASPS leave and never say goodbye, Jews say goodbye and never leave.
o Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
o Israel is the land of milk and honey; North London is the area of milk of Magnesia.
o Never pay retail.
o Its always a bad hair day if you’re bald.
o No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
o The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
o So what’s so wrong with dry turkey?
o Always whisper the names of diseases.
o One Mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
o If you don’t eat, it will kill me.
o Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
o Where there’s smoke, there may be smoke salmon.
o Never take a front row seat at a bris.
o Next year in Jerusalem, the year after that, how about a nice cruise?
o Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
o A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
o A schmata is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
o Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
o Before you read the menu, read the prices.
o There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother he’s an adult. This usually happens at around 45.
o According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
o Tsouris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn’t Jewish.
o If you’re going to whisper at the movies, make sure it’s loud enough for everyone to hear
o What business is a yenta in? Yours.
o If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it.
o But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
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