(#1850) The walk past
[My thanks to Rachel Saunders for the following]
It’s a hot summer’s day and Rabbi Landau is walking with his pupils on Minnis Bay beach when a beautiful young girl in a swimming suit walks towards them. Rabbi Landau immediately says to them, "Don’t look, boys, turn away your eyes."  Over the next 10 minutes, many young girls in their swimsuits walk past them and each time Rabbi Landau says to his pupils, "don’t look, don’t look. Avert your eyes."
But then a gorgeous girl comes into sight wearing the skimpiest of bikinis. She also has a voluptuous figure. Rabbi Landau just can’t take his eyes off her as she walks towards them.
The pupils are very confused with the rabbi’s behaviour, so they go to him and ask, "Rabbi, you told us earlier not to look at the girls in their swimming suits, but just now, as soon as the girl in the bikini came into sight, you looked at her and haven’t stopped looking at her. You haven’t even told us not to look at her. Why is this rabbi? We’re confused. Is it right or is it wrong to look at girls?"
"It depends on the girl, my boys," replies Rabbi Landau, smiling. "That girl is 100% kosher because the milchedik (he points to her bikini top) is very clearly separate from the flayshedik (he points to her bikini bottom.)"

milchedik: pertaining to kosher dairy foods
flayshedik: pertaining to kosher meat dishes

(#1851) The motor mechanic
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
It’s morning in Tel Aviv and inside THE KOSHER MOTOR garage, Jeremy Landau, one of the City’s brightest mechanics, has started to repair the engine of an old Ford. As he removes the Ford’s cylinder head, he notices Dr David Freud, a respected cardiologist, arriving to pick up his Mercedes which Jeremy has just finished servicing.
Jeremy calls over to Dr Freud, "Could you come over here please doctor, I’d like to show you something."
Dr Freud walks over. "So nu, Jeremy," he says, "what’s this thing that’s so important?"
Pointing to the Ford and with a mischievous smile on his face, Jeremy replies, "I have a question for you. Just look at this engine, doctor. I’ve just opened up its heart. I will then carefully remove its valves and when I’ve done this, I will look for any existing damage. When I find it, which I always do, I will carefully repair it and put everything back together again and it will then work like new. So, doctor, my question to you is this: even though you and I are basically doing the same kind of work, how come I’m on a salary of just under 160,000 shekels a year whereas you probably take home around 1 million shekels a year?"
Dr Freud thinks about this for a few seconds, then smiles and replies, "The difference is, Jeremy  …. try doing your work with the engine running."

(#1852) Ben and Jerry's new Israeli ice cream flavours
[It should be noted that all of the following flavours come in either a cup or a cohen]
Wailing Walnut
Moishmallow
Mazel Toffee
Lehitra Oats
Bernard Malamint
Chazalnut
Olive Hashalom
Oy Gemalt
Cherry Bim
Bubble G'mora
Mi Kar-mocha
Lemontashens
Cho-Eilat Chip
Soda and Gamorra
Manishta Nut
Chuppapaya
Balak Berry
Lubavicher Resberry
Abba Ebanana
Berry P'ri Hagoffen
Cashew Le'Pesach
Cherry Bum
Butter Shkotz
Oh-lime Habah
Rashi Road

cohen:   sounds a bit like cone!

(#1853) First week at school
It’s Friday afternoon and Miriam picks up her 5 year old daughter Esther at the end of her first week at primary school. When they get home, Miriam asks Esther, "Well, bubbeleh darling, how was your first week at your lovely new school? Was it as nice as mummy told you it would be?"
"No, mummy," replies little Esther, looking very serious, "no it was not!"
"Oh my poor wonderful darling," says Miriam sadly, "why didn’t you enjoy yourself?"
Little Esther replies, "Well mummy, I think I'm just wasting my time going to school."
"Why is this, my beautiful princess?" asks Miriam.
"Because, mummy," replies little Esther, "I can't write properly, I can't read properly, and my teacher won't let me talk."

(#1854) The Queen’s English
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
There are strong rumours circulating around Buckingham Palace that the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, is working on plans to have Queen Elizabeth II and the rest of the Royal Family taxed on exactly the same terms as if they were private individuals. Naturally, when the Queen gets to hear of these rumours, she is definitely not amused and immediately begins to look for a suitably experienced tax advisor to stop this nonsense. All the Palace officials tell her that she must get hold of a financial advisor called Hetty Abrams. They also inform her that Hetty is in her 60s, has an excellent reputation for her tax knowledge, but is very direct, often appearing rude.
Within days, Hetty Abrams is visited by Carruthers of MI5 and asked discreetly whether she would be willing to help the Queen. Hetty agrees, but only on condition that she is first of all given access to the last 5 years worth of income and expenditure relating to the Queen’s ‘business,’ and then that Prince Philip should attend her meeting with the Queen. All is agreed.
Within days, Hetty is working at Buckingham Palace, pouring over the Queen's complicated financial data. There’s a lot of information to go through and this takes many days to digest, but finally, five days after she first arrives, Hetty has finished with the figures and she asks for her meeting with the Queen to be scheduled. The next morning, Hetty is sitting with Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip in a very private room in the Palace.
"Before we start," Hetty says, "I must point out to you that there are some words that I believe are much better replaced by their more accurate Yiddish equivalents. If you don’t understand any of my Yiddish words, please don’t hesitate to ask me to translate.
"OK, Queenie, your Majesty, let me begin. I’ve gone through your books with a fine tooth comb and I have come up with some suggestions for you. First of all, you should immediately shtup some gelt into some trust funds for the aineklach because forever you’re not going to live and the inheritance taxes will fress up your estate just like a chazzer. Next, you should remove completely from your Will that shmendrick son of yours. Charles has enough of an estate of his own already in Cornwall to feed the Weimaraner he married and he’s not likely to have any more kids, at least not with her.  Thirdly, you need to move your toches fast in a straight line and set up trusts as soon as you can for the charities you’ve been supporting over the years. Then you need to ……"
But before Hetty can continue, she’s interrupted. "I say, Ms Abrams," says Prince Philip, "on behalf of my wife, I really must insist on a lot more respect from you when you are addressing her Majesty the Queen. Not only that, but you’re also talking to us in a strange language and I have not understood much of what you’ve said to us so far. I would therefore prefer you to speak to us from now onwards in the Queen’s English."
Before Hetty can reply, Queen Elizabeth turns to Prince Philip and says in a scolding tone of voice, "Phillip, please stop with the narrishkeit and let the nice Ms Abrams continue telling me what is best for me to do. Already, from what she’s said about my family so far, she obviously has just the right kind of saychel I need to cover my toches."

shtup: one meaning of this word is literally to push or press and in the context of this joke, to stash
gelt: money
aineklach: granchildren
fress: eat
chazzer: pig, glutton
shmendrick: an inept and foolish weekling
Weimaraner: a silver-grey breed of dog developed originally for hunting and often used by royalty for hunting. Its coat colour led to its nickname of "the Grey Ghost" It is loyal and loving and a fearless guardian of family and territory
toches: the rear end, bottom, buttocks
narrishkeit: foolishness
saychel: common sense

(#1855) How women shop
[My thanks to Brian C for the following]
Maurice is the owner of a successful shoe shop called METSIEH SHOES. Today, however, he’s looking worried because he recently acquired a job lot of designer branded ladies shoes and so far the shoes have not sold well, probably, he thinks, because of the Credit Crunch. Now he’s worried that if they are not sold quickly, they will never sell and he'll lose his opportunity to make some good money. So he decides to launch a special, high profile, one day sale of designer shoes.  The Press Release, which appeared in all the national and local newspapers, said: -

METSIEH SHOES, 20 THE HIGH STREET
COMMENCING 8am ON SUNDAY 28 SEPTEMBER
ONE DAY NEVER-TO-BE-REPEATED SALE OF DESIGNER SHOES
LOWEST PRICES SEEN IN LONDON FOR YEARS
AIMED AT THE FASHION CONSCIOUS WOMAN WHO SHOPS ON A BUDGET

metsieh: bargain

(#1856) Always tell the truth
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
As you know, Israel is the home of the most fantastic of medical and technical achievements. This time, they’ve invented an affordable lie detecting robot. Moshe, of course, has to have one and buys one at Harrods. Later that afternoon, he’s waiting for his son Benjy to come home from school so that he can show off the robot to his wife Sarah and Benjy at the same time. But Moshe has to wait until just gone 5pm before Benjy makes an appearance.
"So where have you been, Benjy?" asks Moshe. "You’re one-and-a-half hours late."
"Sorry dad," replies Benjy. "I went with some friends to the library to prepare for our weekly Maths test."
At that, the robot switches himself on, turns to Benjy and says, "That statement is not true! You did not go to the library."
"Benjy," says Moshe, "there will be no more lying in my house. This is a lie detecting robot. Where were you really?"
"OK dad, you’ve rumbled me," replies Benjy. "I went to Daniel’s house and watched a film."
"So what did you see?" asks Moshe.
"I saw The Jazz Singer," replies Benjy, "and wasn’t Olivier great as the chazzan?"
Once again the robot switches himself on, turns to Benjy and says, "That statement is not true! You did not see The Jazz Singer."
"So what did you really see," asks Moshe.
Benjy replies, crying, "We saw ‘Sex in the Park,’ dad."
"I’m really very disappointed with you, Benjy," says Moshe. "When I was your age, I would never dream of lying to my parents. I respected them too much."
At that, the robot switches himself on, turns to Moshe and says, "That statement is not true! You regularly lied to your parents."
On hearing this, Sarah says, "How could you tell such a lie to Benjy? After all, he is your son."
At that, the robot switches himself on, turns to Sarah and says, "That statement is not true. Benjy is ………."
NOTE: Moshe is currently making plans to divorce his unfaithful Sarah.

(#1857) Riddle
Q: What's the biggest advantage of an elderly Jewish man going back to Hebrew school?
A: No one phones his father if he doesn’t turn up at class

(#1858) Jewish IQ test
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Q1: What do you put in a toaster?
A: If you said "toast," then oy gevalt, give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.  If you said, "bread," go to question 2

Q2: Say aloud the word "silk" five times quickly. Then spell "silk." And then answer the question, "What do cows drink?"
A: If you said "milk" please don’t attempt Q3. You’re obviously a bit shikker, and your brain is overstressed and may overheat.  If you said, "water", then proceed to question 3.

Q3: If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
A: If you said, "green bricks," you’re obviously a schlemiel and you shouldn’t be here trying to answer these questions. If you said "glass," then go on to question 4.

Q4: It's twenty years ago and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (if you remember, Germany was politically divided at that time into East Germany and West Germany.) During the flight, one of the plane’s engines suddenly fails. The pilot soon realises that the last remaining engine is also about to fail and decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the remaining engine fails before he has time to put his plan into action and the plane crashes in the middle of "no man's land," exactly half way between East and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors?
A: If you said anything else other than, "You don’t bury survivors", you’re a shmekeleh and you must never try to rescue anyone from a plane crash.  If you did say, "You don't bury survivors", then proceed to the next question.

Q5: If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute, then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
A: If you said, "360 degrees" or anything else other than "one degree", you need to stop kvelling at once. You might have got this far, but now you are very much out of your league. So turn your pencil in and leave the room.  If you said, "One degree", proceed to the final question.

Q6: You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 get on. In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 get on. In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3e people get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
A: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU, you shmuck. Read the first line.

oy gevalt: exclamation to denote astonishment, fear, terror
shikker: drunk
shlemiel: a foolish person, a nincompoop
shmekeleh: an inconsequential shmuck
kvelling: gushing with pride
shmuck: a stupid person

(#1859) Better late than never?
Monty is 40 years old but was never circumcised. So one day he decides to have that operation. His decision making process went along the lines of, "It’s better late than never – and after all, I’ve always wanted to be a 100% Jew."
Two weeks later, he is operated on in a private hospital by doctor Myers. As soon as his surgery is over, Monty is wheeled back to his private ward. As he is recovering from the surgery, one of the nurses asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm OK, thank you - at least I think I am," replies Monty. "I just didn't like what doctor Myers cried out towards the end of my operation."
"So what did he cry out?" asks the nurse.
"Oy gevalt!  Zol Got mir helfen."

oy gevalt: exclamation to denote astonishment, fear, terror
zol Got mir helfen:  May God help me

go to ninetyeighth set of Jewish jokes

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