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go to ninetyseventh set of Jewish jokes

This is the ninetysixth set of Jewish jokes

(#1840) Happiness is ÖÖ.
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
As they do every Wednesday, 80 year old Rebecca meets up with 82 year old Fay in Brent Cross Shopping Centre.
"So nu?" says Rebecca, "whatís news, Fay? Youíve got a lovely smile on your face."
"I finally got a letter from mine son Max in Israel," replies Fay. "Itís the first letter Iíve got from him in over 3 months."
"And what good news does this son of yours give you? asks Rebecca.
"He says his wife was knocked down by a car 7 weeks ago," replies Fay, "and that heís had to leave his job as a financial advisor to look after his wife and their two little girls. As a consequence, his salary, private medical policy and health insurance will end in a few weeks time."
"Oy," says Rebecca.
"And thatís not all," continues Fay. "With the property market the way it is, Rebecca, heís also finding it impossible to sell his house to get some capital to live on. And to cap it all, his lovely baby girl has been diagnosed with leukaemia and she needs some expensive treatment to pull through. Max is so worried, Rebecca. He just doesn't know what to do for the best."
"Oy vay," cries Rebecca, "what a terrible story youíve just told me, Fay. So why are you looking so happy?"
"Because mine son writes to his little old mother such beautifully constructed letters written in Hebrew. Theyíre a pleasure to read," replies Fay.

(#1841) The lobbus
[My thanks to Ron for the following]
14 year old Benny is driving his parents mad. Heís such a lobbus that they canít wait soon enough for him to leave home. Theyíve even started to give him his pocket-money in travellersí cheques!

lobbus: little monster, a tear-away

(#1842) How to handle a sports mad husband
[My thanks to Suzy R for the following]
Judith meets her friend Leah at Brent Cross Shopping Centre and notices that Leah is looking very sad. "So whatís wrong, Leah?" she asks.
"My Bernie is besotted with sport," replies Leah. "Heís always watching sport on TV, going to sport, or participating in sport. He just doesnít seem to know I exist these days and I donít know what to do about it."
"This happened to me some years ago, Leah," says Judith, "and I did something about it that worked straight away."
"So tell me already," begs Leah.
"I went shopping and bought one of the most sexy and daring negligees I could find. Then when my Max came home from work, and before he could turn on the TV, I came right up to him in my negligee, posed provocatively, draped my arms and legs all over him then offered him anything he wanted, and I mean anything, Leah. Our relationship changed instantly from that moment on. Why donít you try it? It canít hurt."
Leah thinks for a few seconds, then says, "Iíve got to go now, Judith. Iíve something important I need to buy. See you soon."
That afternoon, when Bernie arrives home from work, thereís Leah in her short, see-through negligee to meet him at the door. She smells of Christian Diorís ĎMiss Diorí, his favourite perfume. She takes his hand, leads him up to the bedroom, and whispers sexily in his ear, "Why donít you tie me up, lover boy, and Iíll let you do a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g you want?"
Bernie smiles with delight, ties her up to the bedpost, then goes out for a round of golf.

(#1843) MUM-IN-LAW IS BEYOND A JOKE
[A question sent to the Jewish News and the Rabbiís reply (TRUE!)]
Here is the question: -

Dear Rabbi
I hope itís OK if I have to remain anonymous but this is no joke. I am one of those blokes who really suffer from an interfering mother-in-law. She has an opinion on everything and sticks it in even when not asked for it. My wife is very close to her and invites her round all the time which only puts a real strain between us. Is there anything I can do? Help!
[Anonymous]
And here is the Rabbiís reply: -
Dear Anon
Make it look like an accident Ö
(#1844) The bris
[The Bris, as told by Alan Dershowitz in The Vanishing American Jew]
"For those who believe that the birth of a son is the most joyous event, the ceremony honoring it has a good news-bad news quality, at least for the boy. A week after the birth, the boy is given a party, with herring, wine, cake.
Then suddenly comes the bad news, as he realizes the purpose of the party!
Maybe that's why Jews have traditionally had such an aversion to alcohol.
But it doesn't explain our attraction to cake!"

(#1845) Early warning
As soon as Morris arrives home from work, he says to his wife Judith, "Darling, Iíve invited Paul, one of my workmates, to have dinner with us here tonight. He should be here in about 30 minutes."
"Are you meshuggah, Morris?" shouts Judith. "I havenít done any housekeeping today and the house is in a terrible mess. Nor have I had time to wash the dishes from this morning. Not only that but weíve no food in the fridge and as I didnít feel like going shopping today, I was planning for us to eat out tonight."
"But thatís how it always is," says Morris.
"If you knew that, Morris," says Judith, "then why on earth did you invite Paul round for dinner?"
"Because the shmuck is thinking about getting married," replies Morris.

(#1846) The website error
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Jakob the Yekke lives in Tel Aviv and is planning to visit his parents in Jerusalem in a weekís time. As he wants to go by train, he looks up the possible seating options on the Israel Railways website and decides exactly where he will to sit. Jakob then goes into his local travel agent and tells the clerk, "I want a return ticket to Jerusalem for next Sunday please. I must have a seat facing forward so I would like to book seat 34A in carriage number 5 for both journeys."
The booking clerk gives him the tickets heís specifically requested.
One week later, Jakob arrives at Tel Aviv station 45 minutes before the departure time, walks down the platform, gets into carriage number 5 and finds seat 34A. But to his horror, this seat is a backward facing seat. The Israel Railways website he had accessed a week ago was obviously wrong. There was nothing he could do except sit in seat 34A and complain to Israel Railways later.
As soon as he arrives in Jerusalem, Jakob calls Israel Railways, points out the error on their website, and tells them how frightening the journey was for him travelling backwards.
After apologizing profusely to him, the Israel Railways representative asks him, "But in view of your fear of travelling backwards, why didn't you ask the person sitting opposite you whether it was possible for you to switch seats?"
"I would have gladly done so," replies Jakob, "but I couldnít because that seat was empty."

yekke: (Jews of German decent - normally very proper and with legendary attention to detail and punctuality)

(#1847) The amended passport
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Hannahís marriage to Barry was not working out and after 5 years of hell living with a bulvon, she gets divorced. As Hannah wants nothing further to do with Barry, she decides to have her maiden name re-instated on all her legal documents. Today, she goes to the Passport Office to have her passport amended.
"Can I help you?" asks the lady clerk behind the counter.
"Oh yes please," replies Hannah, "I need to have my maiden name re-instated on my passport. Iíve bought it with me."
The clerk looks up at Hannah and asks, "Do you also want to have your address changed?"
"No," replies Hannah, "that wonít be necessary."
 "Oh mazeltov, Iím pleased for you," says the clerk. "I see you also got to keep the house."

bulvon: a man built like and who thinks like an ox Ė strong, crude and totally dumb!

(#1848) The unusual job interview
Howard, a media marketing manager, has recently been made redundant by the Jewish Chronicle. Although heís strictly orthodox, heís doing something today he never thought would happen Ė heís going to a job interview with Mr Smith of the New Methodist Times newspaper.  The job advertised is very similar to the one he was doing previously and the interview therefore goes well. Then Mr Smith asks, "So, Howard, what kind of salary are you looking for?"
Howard has a wife and four children, they live in a prosperous area of town, and two of his children go to Private School. So he has prepared for such a question. He replies, "Because of my skills, experience and the job match, I think £80,000 per annum is the right salary for the job. This is no more than I was receiving at the JC."
"Unfortunately," says Mr Smith, "although you have the right skills and experience for the job, you donít know much about us Protestants. I think you need to initially accept £60,000 per annum for the job and when you have learned more about the way we tick, we can consider moving you up to the £80,000 you require."
"Iím not at all happy with your offer," says Howard. "I have a lot of expenses to cover. Even though Iím orthodox, as I told you, and even though I keep a kosher home, I still have to bring home the bacon!"

(#1849) The Will reading
Morris dies suddenly soon after his 70th birthday. Two monthís later, his family is sitting around the desk of Morrisís solicitor for the reading of the Will.  The solicitor thanks all of them for coming and then reads out Morrisís Last Will and Testament.
"I, Morris Avrahom Levy, being of sound mind, make the following gifts. To my beautiful, sweet wife Rivkah, I leave my Hampstead house, my Birchington holiday flat, and £800,000 in cash and shares.  Enjoy darling. To my handsome and hardworking son Paul, I leave my Lexus car and £200,000 in cash. Keep up the good work, Paul.  To my gorgeous and clever daughter Suzanne, I leave my Jaguar car and £200,000 in cash. I love you, darling Suzy. And to my brother Henry, who always told me in no uncertain terms that Ďhealthí is so much more important than Ďwealthí, I leave my exercise bike and treadmill."

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