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go to ninetysixth set of Jewish jokes
This is the ninetyfifth set of Jewish jokes
(#1830) Babyís first check up
[My thanks to Suzy R for the following]
Doctor Kosiner has just joined a new doctorsí practice and today is his first session on duty. The first patient to enter his office is a woman holding a baby. "How can I help you?" he says to the woman.
"Today, doctor, is the date booked for baby Samís first check-up," she replies.
"OK," says doctor Kosiner, "Letís take a good look at him."
He then examines baby Sam from top to bottom and finishes his examination by weighing the baby. He hands back baby Sam with a worried look on his face and says, "Is the baby bottle fed or breast fed?"
"Heís breast fed, doctor," she replies.
"OK then," he says to her, "could you please strip down to the waist. I need to check something out."
She does as sheís told. Doctor Kosiner then looks at her right nipple, pinches it and gently rubs it. He then looks at her left nipple, pinches it and rubs it gently. He then rubs both breasts for a while in a very professional way. When he finishes examining her, doctor Kosiner says, "Baby Sam is underweight and Iíve found out why. You donít have any breast milk."
"That doesnít surprise me at all," she says.
"Why do you say that?" asks doctor Kosiner, looking a bit puzzled.
"Because Iím baby Samís bubbeh, thatís why," she replies. "But donít worry, doctor, Iím very glad I came because mine Arnold doesnít do such nice things to me these days."
(#1831) Why arenít you married already?
Issy arrives home from work one evening and noticing that his daughter Sharon is nowhere to be seen says to his wife Rebecca, "Nu? So whereís Sharon?"
"Sheís in her bedroom," replies Rebecca, abruptly. "We had another argument."
Issy goes upstairs to see whether he can sort things out. "Whatís the matter, Sharon?" he asks.
"Itís mummy, dad," replies Sharon. "She keeps on and on at me for not being married already. All she does is kvetch and krechtz. Itís driving me crazy. I just wonít rush into marriage until I find someone really special. Please talk to her, dad."
"Iíll do my best," replies Issy. "Iíll mention our little conversation to mummy as soon as the right moment comes along."
"Thanks dad," says Sharon.
That night, when theyíre in bed, Rebecca says to Issy, "So what did our alteh moid daughter have to say to you earlier?"
"She said youíre always on her back about her not being married," Issy replies. "I think you should leave her alone. Sheís still only 21 and sheís waiting until the right man comes along."
"Why should she have to wait for the right man?" says Rebecca. "I didnít when I got married."
kvetch and krechtz: complaining
and moaning all the time
alteh moid: spinster
(#1832) What are best friends for?
Victor, an up-and-coming accountant, is called into his managerís office. "Victor," says his manager, "weíre having some problems in our New York office and youíll be pleased to hear that we think youíre the best man to sort them out. We want you to drop everything youíre doing and be in New York in the next few days."
When he gets back to his desk, Victor phones his best friend. "Daniel," he says, "theyíre sending me to New York for a week and I donít think Judith is going to like it. Weíve been married now for nearly eight years and in all that time weíve never been apart for more than a few hours. She hasnít even got children to keep her company. So Iím hoping you can do me a favour."
"Of course," replies Daniel. "What would you like me to do?"
"Itís quite easy," says Victor. "Iím going to give you £200. Please use it to take out Judith as often as you can. She knows youíre my friend and sheíll be pleased to have some company whilst Iím away."
"Of course, no problem," says Daniel.
As soon as Victor returns from his week in New York, he immediately phones Daniel. "So Daniel, how did it go? Did you manage to persuade Judith to go out with you?"
There was a brief silence before Daniel replies. "Look Victor, I must be honest with you. But you wonít like what Iím going to say."
"So tell me already," says Victor.
"Well, it was like this," replies Daniel. "I went round to your house on the first night you were away. I told Judith that you had asked me to take her out and that you had also given us £200 to spend. She was a bit embarrassed at first but she soon agreed. So I took her to see the show, ĎThe Sound of Music,í followed afterwards by a bite to eat. I then drove her home, said goodnight, and was just about to go to my car when she invited me in for a drink. She showed me around your house and we ended up in the bedroom where we sat at the end of the bed talking about our lives. One thing seemed to lead to another and soon, without even thinking about it, we both got undressed and made love. But the one consoling thing is that we immediately realised that what we had done was wrong and how hurt you would be when you learned what had happened between your wife and your best friend. And Oy Victor, how we then cried. We literally cried our eyes out. And Victor, Iím pleased to tell you that it was like that for the rest of the week - sex and crying, sex and crying, sex and crying."
(#1833) The Ostrich
Moshe walks into Minkyís Restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. When the waitress asks him for his order, Moshe says, "Salt Beef and latkes plus a coke please." She then turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
Five minutes later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £19.46 please," she says. Moshe reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, Moshe and the ostrich return. Moshe orders, "Salt Beef and latkes plus a coke please."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again Moshe reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes routine for six consecutive days until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Thursday night, so Iíll have a sirloin steak, baked potato and a salad," says Moshe.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Soon after, the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £26.62."
Once again Moshe pulls the exact change from his pocket and puts it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "How do you manage to come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" she asks.
"Well," says Moshe, "several years ago, I was cleaning out my loft and found an old lamp in the corner. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant," says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right," says Moshe. "Whether it's a pint of milk or a Lexus, the exact money is always there."
The waitress then asks, "So what's with the ostrich, then?"
Moshe sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big toches and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
(#1834) The patientís revenge
For the last three months, Hymie has been going through one medical problem after another and has spent most of this period in bed. First he had a minor heart attack, then he developed pneumonia, and then he fell badly and slipped a disc in his back. Now, at last, he seems to be getting over his troubles and today heís going to see doctor Myers, his specialist, for a check-up. But heís definitely not looking forward to this because doctor Myers has regularly given him negative prognoses.
45 minutes later, after giving Hymie a thorough going over, doctor Myers says, "Well, Hymie, youíll be pleased to learn that Iím very satisfied with your progress."
Hymie canít believe the optimism doctor Myers is now showing after all the previous doom and gloom. "Well, thank goodness for that," says Hymie, "itís about time I heard some good news from you."
"Your heart rhythm is strong," says doctor Myers, "your lungs are clear, youíve got a nice skin colour and youíre looking very healthy indeed. Youíve still got a slipped disk, however, but Iím not really worried about it."
"Listen doctor," says Hymie, "if you had a slipped disk, believe me, I wouldnít be worried about it either."
(#1835) Heís got it coming
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Miriam decides to seek the help of a psychic counsellor. She looks through the yellow pages and selects MISS BASHAYRT, primarily because her advert seems to indicate that she has had a lot of success in Tarot Reading. Miriam makes an appointment to see her.
Later that week, sheís with the psychic in a dark and gloomy room with just a flickering candle to provide some light. For the last ten minutes Miss Bashayrt has been silently gazing down at the Tarot cards laid out on the table in front of her. Then suddenly she speaks.
"There is no easy way for me to tell you this, so Iím going to be quite blunt with you."
"OK," says Miriam, "Iím ready for the bad news. Fire away."
"You must prepare yourself to be a widow," continues Miss Bashayrt. "The cards clearly show that very soon your husband is going to die a grisly death."
Even though Miriam thought she was ready, she is still visibly shaken. She stares at the cards, then at the candle, takes two deep breaths and feeling more composed, looks Miss Bashayrt in the eye and calmly asks, "Nu? So will I get away with it?"
(#1836) The Emporium
Bernie is walking down Edgware High Street when he notices the following sign in the shop window of ĎMosheís Kosher Emporiumí
ALL THE DEVCIES YOU NEED FOR YOUR HOEM
So he goes inside and asks to see Moshe.
"Can I help you, sir?" Moshe asks Bernie.
"I just wanted to point out that you have two spelling errors in the sign you have in your window."
"Yes, I know," says Moshe. "Itís a deliberate marketing policy. You see, we get around a dozen people coming in here each day to point this out to us, and of these, at least 3 or 4 buy something. And now that youíre in here, sir, can I interest you in our special low price for a kitchen table and four chairs?"
(#1837) Meeting the boss
Paul goes to see his boss one day and says, "My wife Natalie says I should see you. She says I should go up to you and ask for an increase in my salary. She says Iím entitled."
Paulís boss replies, "Come back tomorrow. Iíll ask my wife if I should give it to you. "
(#1838) What a surprise!
[My thanks to Sylvia S for the following]
Shmuel has been living by himself for many years, but when he reaches 30 he decides that he has had enough already of feeling lonely. So he goes to see a local shadchen.
"Iím looking for a nice wife," Shmuel says.
"OK, youíve come to the right place," says the shadchen. "So what kind of Ďnice wifeí would suit you best?"
"Well," replies Shmuel, "she doesnít have to be rich, she doesnít even need to be beautiful or have a great figure. What Iím looking for is a lebediker fisch."
A few days later, the shadchen contacts Shmuel. "Iíve found someone for you."
Two months later, Shmuel and Naomi get married. But when, five months later, Naomi gives birth to a lovely bouncing boy, Shmuel immediately contacts the shadchen. "I have a complaint to make about your selection process," Shmuel says. "I asked for a leberdiker fisch, not a gefilte fish!"
lebediker fisch: a lebediker
is a lively person. Many years ago, fish merchants would shout out their
fresh and tasty wares in the street as Ďlebediker fisch, lebediker fischí
gefilte fish: filled / stuffed fish (poached fish patties or balls made from mixture of ground deboned fish, usually carp)
Q: When was the longest day in the Bible?
A: The day Adam was created, because there was no Eve.
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