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go to ninetyfifth set of Jewish jokes
This is the ninetyfourth set of Jewish jokes
(#1820) The helpful passenger
One morning, as Moshe gets off the bus to go to work, he can’t help but notice that the woman who got off the bus in front of him has her right breast hanging outside her blouse. He is always one to help people and so is not embarrassed to go over to her and say, "Excuse me madam, but did you know that your right breast is showing?"
The lady takes one look down at her breast, then shrieks on top of her voice, "Oy vay, I’ve left my baby on the bus."
(#1821) Is that you, mum?
Lionel hasn’t spoken to his mother for at least a week so decides to phone her. As soon as a voice answers his call, Lionel says, "Hello mother, so how have you been keeping?"
"Fine, thank you, fine," comes the reply.
"Oy," says Lionel, "I’ve dialled the wrong number. I’m sorry to have disturbed you, lady."
(#1822) So what songs would famous biblical
people have sung?
Hair: sung by Samson [Hair]
I Feel Pretty: sung by Esther [West Side Story]
I Could Have Danced All Night: sung by Salome [My Fair Lady]
Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head: sung by Noah [Butch Cassidy]
Stayin’ Alive: sung by Methuselah [Saturday Night Fever]
Stranger in Paradise: sung by Adam & Eve [Kismet]
The Lady is a Tramp: sung by Jezebel [Pal Joey]
The Lion Sleeps Tonight: sung by Daniel [The Lion King]
The Wanderer: sung by Moses [-]
(#1823) Bubbeh’s mistake
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
8 year old Sam is staying with his bubbeh Rachel for a few days whilst his parents are away on business. On the first afternoon, she drives to school to pick up Sam and waits for him to come out. When Sam appears, he walks over to her and says, "Bubbeh, I was talking to my friend Jake at school today and we would like to know what you call two people who sleep in the same bedroom, with one on top of the other?"
Rachel is surprised by this question, but as she’s always been one to answer all questions honestly, she replies, "Well bubbeleh, it’s called sexual intercourse. It’s how parents make little children."
"Thanks bubbeh," says Sam, I’m just going to tell Jake.
She watches him wander over and talk to another boy. Sam then returns and they drive back to her place.
When she picks up Sam from school the next day, he says to her, "Bubbeh, you were wrong yesterday. It isn't called sexual intercourse, it’s called bunk beds. And Jake’s mum says she wants to talk to you."
[My thanks to Rabbi L for the following]
Q: What’s a good name for a Chinese Rabbi?
A: Ben Ching
(#1825) A costly visit to the doctor
Kitty has just turned 40 and is very worried about her health. So she decides to see her gynaecologist, Dr Myers. When she enters his office, he says to her, "And what brings you here today to see me, Kitty?"
Kitty just blushes and is unable to say anything.
"Why are you so embarrassed, Kitty?" asks Dr Myers. "You’ve been seeing me for years and you’ve always been able to discuss your problems with me."
"I know," replies Kitty, "but this problem is a little bit different, doctor."
"Maybe," says Dr Myers, "but why don’t you let me be the judge of that?"
"Well, OK," says Kitty, "it’s like this. When I went to the toilet yesterday morning, as soon as I sat down I heard a plink plink noise. I looked down and there in the water were some 5p coins. I immediately got up and left. When I went to the toilet again some hours later, I again heard a plink plink noise and when I looked down, there were some 10p coins in the water. And then, this morning, the same thing, only this time there were some 20p coins in the water. Oh doctor, what’s happening to me? Have I got a serious illness? I’m so worried."
Dr Myers smiles at her and says, "Dear Kitty, you’re not dying, take my word for it. There’s nothing the matter with you. You're simply going through the change."
(#1826) The sour interview
Hannah goes to The Minky Farm and asks Henry, the manager, if there are any vacancies available at the farm. Henry tells her that the only job available is for a part-time lemon picker. Hannah says the job would suit her well.
After Henry has asked her some questions about her education and previous jobs, he tells her, "You’re really far too qualified for such a lowly position."
"But I would still like the job," says Hannah. "I would be very good at it."
"Do you have any experience in picking lemons," Henry then asks her.
"Well, actually, I do," replies Hannah. "I’ve been divorced three times."
(#1827) Miracles and wonders
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Rabbi Levy is waiting in the queue at Bank Leumi when a hippy-looking bearded young man joins the queue just behind him. The man is holding a very full looking leather briefcase. Rabbi Levy immediately notices that one of the fasteners on the man’s briefcase is undone and the other fastener looks like it’s going to burst open, so he says to the man, "You're going to lose the contents of your briefcase."
Just then, the briefcase bursts open and spills its contents onto the floor. The man stares at Rabbi Levy with fear in his eyes and replies, "How on earth did you do that?"
(#1828) Daniel’s donkey
Daniel, a scrap metal merchant and one of the few in the business still to use a donkey to pull his trailer, has been married to Judith for over 30 years. In all those years, Daniel can safely say that there’s never been a day when she hasn't nagged him. She is always complaining about something or another and the only time Daniel gets any relief is when he’s out with his donkey buying and selling scrap metal. So naturally, he goes out as often as he can.
One day, Daniel is in his back yard sitting on an upturned bucket next to his donkey. Judith brings him his lunch as usual and as soon as he has said his brochehs, Judith begins her nagging. Oy, and does she nag and kvetch! It just goes on and on with no respite. But then disaster. Daniel’s trusty donkey, for no reason at all, suddenly kicks out with both his back legs and catches Judith with a zetz to her head killing her instantly.
At the levoyah the next day, the Rabbi notices something strange. When women mourners go over to Daniel and whisper something in his ear, Daniel nods his head in agreement. But when male mourners go over to Daniel and whisper something in his ear, he shakes his head in disagreement.
After the levoyah, the Rabbi asks Daniel why he nodded his head and agreed with all the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
"Well Rabbi," replies Daniel, "the women were telling me what a tzaddekes my wife was, how generous she was and how she was such a good mother. So I nodded my head in agreement, Rabbi."
"But what about the men?" the Rabbi asks, "Why were you disagreeing with them? What were they saying to you?"
"They wanted to know if I was willing to sell my donkey to them."
brochehs: prayers, blessings
kvetch: to complain
tzaddekes: righteous woman
zetz: blow or punch
(#1829) How to choose a car
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
It’s Hetty’s birthday and her husband Howard tells her that he has decided to buy her a new car. Hetty is thrilled and can’t thank Howard enough. Later that morning they go car hunting.
After visiting half a dozen car dealers, Hetty finds a car she likes the look of. Howard calls over the salesman to prepare papers for his signing whilst Hetty goes back to the car to look at it one more time. Suddenly she sees something she doesn’t like. She goes back to Howard and says, "I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want it."
"But why, darling?" asks Howard, looking quite sad. "You loved it 5 minutes ago."
"I don’t want to talk about it," says Hetty. "Just take me home."
Later, she tells Howard what caused her to change her mind. "I suddenly realised that it was an ‘extra luxury’ model and so it had XL on its boot lid. I just couldn’t own a car with XL on it. It’s bad enough having XL on my underwear."
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