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go to ninetythird set of Jewish jokes

This is the ninetysecond set of Jewish jokes

(#1800) Her prayer is answered Ö. sort of
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
One shabbes, Rabbi Bloom finishes his sermon by asking his congregation whether anyone would like to express thanks to God for a recent event. Leah immediately stands up and announces, "I would like you all to know that I feel immense gratitude for the way Hashem recently answered my prayers."
"OK Leah," says Rabbi Bloom, "please do tell us about it."
"Some of you might have noticed that my husband Benny and I have not been coming to shul recently. Two months ago, Benny had a terrible accident. A car ran straight into him as he was crossing the road and his scrotum was completely crushed. For days and days, the pain he was experiencing was so terrible that he sometimes cried out for help. But his doctors didn't at first know how to help him."
There were gasps from the men in the shul as they thought of Bennyís pain.
"Benny couldnít even hold our children," continues Leah, "because every move he made caused him yet more pain. But then, out of the blue, doctor Minky decided to try out a new type of operation on Benny that had been pioneered in Israel. That was when I prayed to God to help the operation to succeed. I prayed the night before the operation and I prayed the next morning as doctor Minky performed his delicate operation on Benny. Fortunately, he managed to join together the crushed pieces of Bennyís scrotum and then wrap a thin plastic sheet around them to hold everything in place."
Again, there were gasps from the men in the shul as they visualised what Benny must have gone through.
"Benny is now out of hospital," continues Leah, "and his prognosis is good. Doctor Minky says that over the next 12 months, Bennyís scrotum should recover completely."
All the men in the shul sigh with relief. Rabbi Bloom then thanks Leah for her uplifting story and asks his congregation whether anyone wants to comment on what they have just heard. A man rises from his seat and introduces himself. "For those who donít know me, I'm doctor Minky."
After the clapping dies down, doctor Minky says, "And I would like to tell Leah and all of you here today that the word is Ďsternumí not Ďscrotum.í"

Hashem:  God

(#1801) The signing
A group of tourists from Israel are visiting many of the famous sites in England. This afternoon, they are visiting Runneymede. Their guide tells the party, "You are standing on a very special place, because it was here that the Magna Carta was signed. The Magna Carta is now considered to be one of the most important legal documents in the history of democracy."
"So when was it signed?" asks Abe, one of the party.
The guide replies, "1215."
Abe looks at his watch and says, "Oy vay, weíve missed the signing by 90 minutes."

(#1802) Did you know? - 1
Did you know that they played tennis in ancient Egypt?
They must have, because Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

(#1803) Did you know? Ė 2
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
Did you know that Japanese scientists have created a digital camera with such a super-fast shutter speed that they can even photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

(#1804) Ollieís new television
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
One day, little Ollie shouts for his father Gary to come into his bedroom.
"What do you want, Ollie?" asks Gary.
"Could you buy me a television set for my room, dad? All my friends at school have one. Please dad, Iíll be your best friend if you do."
"OK," replies Gary, "why not? Iíll get one for you on Saturday."
Gary keeps to his promise and buys Ollie his very own television on Saturday morning. That afternoon, after watching his television for hours, Ollie finally comes downstairs. "Dad," he asks, "what is love juice?"
"Oy vay," thinks Gary, "it didnít take him long to find the sex channels." So he decides that now was the time to tell Ollie about sex.  After Ollieís five-minute introduction to sex and babies is over, Gary says to Ollie, "So Ollie, tell me, what programme were you watching before?"
"Wimbledon Tennis," replies Ollie.

(#1805) Seeing is believing
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
One night, as Moshe is undressing for bed and before he puts on his pyjamas, he decides to take a long and hard look at himself, naked, in the full length mirror.
Later, when his wife Betty comes into the bedroom, Moshe says to her, "Darling, Iím looking so fat and ugly these days. I donít know how you can bear to go around with me. Iím horrible. So Iíve decided I must get fitter and lose some weight and Iím going to start first thing tomorrow. But in the meantime, darling, could you please boost my confidence by paying me a compliment."
"Well," Betty replies, "you have perfect vision for a man of your age."

(#1806) Israeli study of men with poor sexual ability
After a lengthy study of 1,256 men, an Israeli scientist has discovered that nearly all of those with a low IQ and poor sexual ability read their e-mail with their hand on their mouse.
PS Don't bother taking your hand off now, it's far too late.

(#1807) An actual sign posted at an Arizona golf club
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE
7. IF YOUíRE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES

WELL DONE - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

(#1808) Regular itís not
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Rachel meets Rabbi Landau whilst out shopping. "Hello rabbi," she says.
"Hello, itís Mrs Cohen isn't it?" he asks.
"Yes, rabbi, I am she," replies Rachel.
"I havenít seen you in shul for some time," says Rabbi Landau.
"Yes, you're right rabbi," says Rachel, "I stopped going because every time it's always the same thing."
"The same thing, Mrs Cohen?" says Rabbi Landau, looking a bit bemused, "what do you mean by that?"
"Oh you know, rabbi," replies Rachel, "Ko-o-ol nidraaaaay-aaay."

Kol Nidre: A prayer sung on Yom Kippur

(#1809) Just chequing
Benny is watching his wife Rachel write out a cheque. As itís very rare for Rachel to write out a cheque, he asks, "Who are you sending the cheque to, darling?"
"Iím sending a cheque for £120.56 to Mr Jones, our bank manager," she replies.
"Why do you need to do that, dear?" Benny asks.
"Because," replies Rachel, "he has just phoned to tell us that we are overdrawn by that amount."
 

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