(#1780) The business dinner
[My thanks to Brian C for the following]
Joshua has been making his name as a designer of smart handbags, but even he is now finding times difficult, and his business is beginning to struggle. Then one day he gets some good news and immediately phones his wife Rebecca.
"Darling," he shouts down the phone, "I’ve done a brilliant deal. Mervyn Levy, the Handbag King no less, has just told me that he loves our handbags so much that he will buy every handbag we can make for him. I’ve invited him to have dinner with us tonight so that we can close the deal. What do you think about that?"
"Mazeltov, Joshua," replies Rebecca, "that’s fantastic news. But how can we have Mervyn here for dinner when we pawned our best dinner service last month? We don't have two matching plates to our name."
"Don’t worry," says Joshua, "I’m going to go to Abe the Pawnbroker right now. I know him well and he’ll let us have our dinner service back if I pay him immediately. Just give me the number of our ticket."
"It’s 946," replies Rebecca.
So Joshua goes to Abe’s shop and pays the bill for ticket 946. Abe gives him a receipt and goes into the storeroom to look for the item held against the ticket. He returns with a canteen of silver plated cutlery.
"Abe, this isn't my item," says Joshua. "There’s been a mistake."
Abe goes back into the storeroom and returns a few minutes later. "I’ve found out what the problem is, Joshua," he says. "Rebecca had ticket 964 not 946. I gave ticket 946 to Mervyn Levy."
"Oy Vay!" says Joshua, "and to think I was planning to get rich by relying on a knocker who has to pawn his property. And that shmuck thinks he’s coming to my house for dinner tonight."

knocker (pronounced, k’noker): a big shot, a show off

(#1781) The three advisors
[My thanks to John T for the following]
As a result of global warming, a new flood is being predicted by all the world’s top scientists. They predict that it will be horrendous, wiping out maybe 70% of the world’s population. Not only that, but the Flood could be here in 3 to 4 days time. Oy vay iz meer!
Many famous people start to appear on television giving advice. One such program has the Pope, the Dalai Lama and the Chief Rabbi appearing together.
The Pope says, "It’s still not too late to accept Jesus as your Saviour."
The Dalai Lama says something similar, "I appeal to all of humanity to follow Buddhist teachings. If you do, you can find nirvana in the wake of the disaster."
But the Chief Rabbi has a totally different kind of message. He looks straight at the camera and says, "My people, we have just two or three days to learn how to live under water!"

(#1782) I’m not Jewish
[My thanks to Hanoch B for the following]
Moshe, a chassid, is talking to his friend Victor.  "As you know, Victor, my daughter Rifka is getting married soon and because you’re not only my friend, but have also been my study partner for nearly nine years, I would like to ask you to act as a witness under her chuppah. What do you say?"
"I'm sorry, Moshe," replies Victor looking sad, "I know it’s an honour but I can’t accept. I'm not Jewish."
"What do you mean you’re not Jewish?" says Moshe. "You've been coming to shakarit every morning for over ten years and you've been my chavruta for nearly as long. I don’t understand."
"Well," replies Victor, "It’s like this. I decided many years ago to convert to Judaism. Over the years that followed, I enjoyed not only the company but also the intellectual stimulation it provided. And I found respite in the shabbes. But somehow or other, Moshe, I just never completed the process I started. So I'm not Jewish. I’m so sorry."
"But hold on a minute, Victor," says Moshe. "Didn't we both learn in the gemara, only a few weeks ago, that if you're not Jewish, you can't keep the shabbes?"
"Yes, I remember. But don't worry, I always put my key in my pocket on Fridays so that I could carry it all shabbat."
"But our community has an eruv, Victor, you can carry a key without any problem."
"Yes, I know," responds Victor, "but I don't hold by it."

chassid: a member of an orthodox religious sect

chuppah: a wedding canopy

shakarit: morning prayers

gemara: similar to Talmud - a basic body of Jewish law / tradition

eruv: defines the boundaries of an area within which observant Jews can treat "public" spaces, shared by all the community, in the same way as "private" space at home. In practice, it means that observant Jews can carry out some normal tasks away from home during the Sabbath, such as the carrying of personal items like keys or even the pushing of a wheelchair or a pram.

chavruta: (one-to-one) learning is about discussing texts with a study partner of similar ability, embarking on an educational journey together.

(#1783) Oh yes I didn’t
[My thanks to John T for the following]
Freda has invited her three sons and their families to her house for a shabbes dinner. So she goes to her local butcher to look for some nice joints of chicken. Whilst there, she meets her friend. "Kitty," she says, "I’m glad I’ve met you. I’m making a big meal for my family this Friday and I need you to return the large roasting tray I lent you last month."
Kitty replies, "In the first place, Freda, I never borrowed any roasting tray from you. Secondly, it was only an old roasting tray anyway. And lastly, you must have noticed that when I returned it to you, it was in a better condition than when you lent it to me!"

(#1784) Preparation is needed
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
Nathan, an out-of-work young chassid, is walking down Golders Green High Road when he sees a notice in the window of a local shop. The notice says: -

Wanted - Assistant for well known gynaecologist. £40,000 pa
Details available from Minky’s Surgery

(#1785) A better idea
[My thanks to John T for the following]
Naomi is about to leave her house to meet her three friends for their regular monthly get together. But as she bends down to pick up the last of the toys left on the floor by her four children, her back gives way. She’s in great pain, so she phones her friends and tells them that she won’t be able to go out with them that afternoon. Later that day, her three friends come to her house to commiserate.
"Oy Naomi," says Talia, "it’s such a shame you being laid up like this."
"Yes," says Fay, "it’s terrible. The pain you must be experiencing. Such tsouris you’ve got."
"I know what we can do," says Judith. "We’ll all pray for you every day until you get back on your feet."
As Talia and Fay are nodding their heads in agreement, Naomi says, "Better you three should come here every day and help out with the housework. Praying I can do by myself."

(#1786) The post illness cure
Bernie and Judith are worried sick because their little daughter Talya has just swallowed some aspirin tablets she found in the kitchen. Bernie immediately phones doctor Myers. "Doctor," he shouts hysterically down the phone, "my Talya has swallowed 3 or 4 aspirin tablets. What should I do, what should I do?"
"First of all calm down," replies doctor Myers. "When did she take them?"
"I think about 45 minutes ago, doctor," replies Bernie.
"Is her face an unusual colour?" asks doctor Myers.
"No, doctor," replies Bernie.
"Has she been sick?" asks doctor Myers.
"No, doctor," replies Bernie.
"Is she crying?" asks doctor Myers.
"No, doctor, she’s not crying," replies Bernie. "In fact she’s quite normal. But I’m still worried. All those aspirin. What should I be doing?"
"Well there is something you can do," replies doctor Myers. "You can try to give your Talya a headache."

(#1787) Quick thinking
Monty and Lionel are partners in a brassiere manufacturing company called KOSHER SUPPORT UNLIMITED. All was going well until one day Monty rushes into Lionel’s office and shouts, "Oy Vay, Lionel, we’re ruined."
"Calm down," says Lionel. "Tell me what’s happened."
"We’ve just had our largest order of bras returned as unsuitable," replies Monty. "The crate has just arrived and there are 5,000 specially designed black and gold bras in it. What on earth shall we do?"
Lionel thinks for a while, then replies, "Here’s what we will do. We will cut off the straps and we will sell them to shuls as kippas."

(#1788) Mathematical correctness
Sharon is not the brightest secretary that Jonathan has employed, but she always does what she is asked to do. One day, Jonathan needs a long column of figures to be added up for a sales presentation he is giving later on that afternoon, so he says to Sharon, "please add up these figures for me and make sure you check the total is correct. I need them for an important meeting and I wouldn’t want to give out wrong information. May I suggest that you add up the column three times to be absolutely sure."
"OK, sir," replies Sharon.
One hour later, Sharon goes to Jonathan and says, "Here is what you asked me to do, sir."
"Thank you, Sharon," says Jonathan, "and did you check it like I asked you to do?"
"Yes, sir, three times," replies Sharon, "and here are the three answers, sir."

(#1789) Meeting the boss
Abe, not the brightest of accounts department staff, is called in to see his boss.
"Abe," says his boss, I’d like you to know that we’re quite satisfied with your work here."
"Thank you sir," replies Abe
"And how much are we paying you?" asks his boss.
"£15,000 per year, sir," replies Abe.
"I’m glad," says his boss, "You can go now."
 

go to ninetyfirst set of Jewish jokes

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