(#1770) The Hanukah present
[My thanks to Lisa S for the following]
Jeremy has been dating Hannah for only two weeks but in that time he’s fallen madly in love with her. And now he has a problem - it’s Chanukah tomorrow and he doesn’t know what to buy her. So he asks his big sister for some advice.
His sister tells him, "You’ve not been going out with her for very long, Jeremy, so I don’t think you should buy her anything too personal or too romantic. Be patient - these types of gift can come later. For now, I think something like a nice pair of pretty leather gloves might be appropriate. What do you think?"
"Great idea," Jeremy replies. "I’m leaving right now for the John Lewis Department Store and I’m going to choose a real pretty pair. I’m seeing Hannah today and I’ll give the present to her then."
Jeremy goes to John Lewis and after much discussion with the sales assistant, chooses a nice pair of pale grey gloves. He then goes to the payment desk, pays for the gloves and asks for them to be gift-wrapped. But by mistake, his package gets mixed up with the package belonging to the girl in front of him and without knowing, he ends up with some pink panties.
As soon as he gets home, Jeremy seals his package, writes a note, and drives to Hannah’s house. As soon as he gets there, he says to Hannah, "I’ve bought you this present for Chanukah, but before you open it, I’d like you to read my note. This is what Hannah read: -

"Dear Hannah, I chose these because it’s been cold over the last 2 weeks and I noticed you weren’t wearing any when we went out last.
I was going to choose some long ones with buttons, but I bought these because they are easier and quicker to remove.
I thought at first that their pale colour would show the dirt but the girl who sold them to me showed me the pair she was wearing and they were hardly soiled at all.
She agreed to try on yours and she looked really nice even though yours were quite tight on her.
She said her pair helps to keep her ring clean and that since she started wearing them, she has hardly needed to wash it.
I’d like to put them on you now, for the first time, because I’m sure that many hands other than mine will be touching them later.
And when you take them off, blow into them before putting them away, because they will probably be a little damp from wearing them.
And Hannah, just think how many times my lips will kiss them, so I hope you will start wearing them for me when we next go out."
All my love
Jeremy
PS  The sales girl told me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

khozzer: a pig, a gluttonous person

(#1772) Trouble with the human race
Avrahom is having his first meeting with Mr Lewis, an eminent psychiatrist. "So, Avrahom," asks Mr Lewis, "why have you come to see me?"
"Because I am having trouble with the whole of the human race, doctor. They are stupid and they won’t listen to me."
"Can you give me some examples of how they …."
"They are calling me a crazy man," says Avrahom. "It doesn’t matter what I tell them, they call me meshugga. What do you do, doctor, when you meet stupid people who won’t listen to a word of truth?"
"OK, Avrahom, I’m getting to understand your problem. Why don’t you start from the beginning?"
"Oh thank you doctor," says Avrahom, "thank goodness someone wants to listen to me. In the beginning, I created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And my spirit moved upon the face ……."

(#1773) Torah honours
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Morry, the President of Edgware Amalgamated shul, is not as ‘orthodox’ as the shul’s committee would like him to be. But he knows a lot of influential people and gets things done. So they don’t complain too much about him.
This year, on the shabbes before Rosh Hashana, they decide to give him the honour of an aliyah and the shul’s gabbai goes over to him to tell him of the decision.
But Morry panics. "Oy vay, I just can’t do this," he says to the gabbai. "I can’t read Hebrew properly and I’ll embarrass everyone when I try to read the blessings. Please give the honour to someone else."
"But Morry," says the gabbai, "you must accept some kind of honour – after all, you are the shul’s President."
"I understand that," says Morry. "Is there some other kind of honour that doesn’t require me to speak Hebrew?"
"How about gelilah?" replies the gabbai.
"What is gelilah?" asks Morry, looking puzzled.
The gelilah gets involved just after the torah is lifted at hagbah," replies the gabbai. "As soon as the torah is lowered, the gelilah puts on the cover, breastplate and crown. The gelilah can then sit down - his job is over."
"Well that seems fine to me. I can handle that," says Morry. "It’s a deal. I accept."
Fifteen minutes later, it’s hagbah time and Morry is up there waiting for the torah to be lowered. He then puts on the cover, breastplate and crown as instructed and goes back to his seat feeling very pleased with himself. The gabbai immediately goes over to him and whispers, "Morry, I didn’t mean on YOU, I meant on the torah!"

shul: synagogue
shabbes:The sabbath, which lasts from sunset on Friday to sunset on Saturday
Rosh Hashana: The Jewish New Year
gabbai: Synagogue warden
aliyah: To be called up to read a portion of torah scroll in synagogue.
gelilah: the person who “dresses” the torah
hagbah: the torah “lifter”

(#1774) Yiddish proverbs
[My thanks to David S for the following]

• A man is not honest simply because he never had a chance to steal.
• Don't judge a man by the words of his mother. Listen instead to the comments of his neighbours.
• If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.
• The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.
• Ask about your neighbours. Only then buy the house.
• What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
• A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
• One old friend is better than two new ones.
• When a thief kisses you, count your teeth.
• One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
• Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavour.
• A wise man hears one word and understands two.

(#1776)  A choice of swimwear
Howard and his wife Becky are soon going on holiday and are doing some shopping for clothes. As they pass the ladies swimwear department, Becky says to Howard, "Darling, what do you think I should do? It’s been at least 10 years since I last bought any swimwear. I know I’ve put on some weight since then but I do need to buy something new for our holiday. So do you think I should go for a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"I think you should get a bikini," replies Howard, "because I don’t think you would get it all in one."
NOTE: Howard is hoping his black eye will heal before they go on holiday

(#1777) Reading between the lines
Lawrence meets his friend in Golders Green and asks, "You don’t look too happy, Nathan. How’s business?"
"Oy, don’t ask," replies Nathan, sadly.
"OK, I understand," says Lawrence, "but don’t worry. For this time of year, that’s not too bad."

(#1778) Riddle
Q: What did Jonah do while he was in the whale?
A: He sang, because you always sing when you're in Wales!

(#1779) The power of a mezuzah
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
Joshua operates a successful mobile phone business in Tel Aviv and has recently opened an office in Shanghai. When he rings Jian, his Chinese partner, to see how sales are doing in Shanghai, Jian says, "Mr Joshua, things are not going so well. Our shop is suffering from a number of robberies and I don’t know what to do. Do you have a similar problem in Tel Aviv?"
"No Jian, not really," replies Joshua. "We have this little box that we put on our doorframes, it’s called a mezuzah, and this protects our homes and offices from any harm."
"Oh then please send me one, Mr Joshua, as I don’t know what else to do."
Joshua puts one in the post that day with instructions on how to put it up. But three weeks later the mezuzah is returned to him, so Joshua rings Jian. "I’ve just got back the mezuzah I sent you. So nu, didn’t it work?"
"It worked fine, Mr Joshua," replies Jian, "I’ve had no more robberies."
"So why did you return it to me?" asks Joshua.
"Because it drove me and my customers mad, Mr Joshua, that’s why," replies Jian. "Almost as soon as I put it up, the shop kept on being visited by different types of men with collection boxes in their hands asking my customers, ‘tsedaka kallah?’"

tsedaka kallah: charity for brides
 

go to ninetieth set of Jewish jokes

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