(#1760) The sermon switchover
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
In order to improve local community spirit, two rabbis of nearby shuls agree to give a shabbes sermon to each other’s congregation. This week it is Rabbi Bloom’s turn.
At the appointed time, Rabbi Bloom turns up at the other shul, but immediately sits down. The congregation wait patiently for him to get up and begin his sermon, but Rabbi Bloom just sits there staring at the floor. After 5 minutes of waiting, the shammes goes over to the rabbi and asks, "My dear rabbi, what are you waiting for? Everyone’s waiting to hear from you."
Pointing to his mouth, Rabbi Bloom quietly replies, "I can’t talk properly. By mistake, I’ve left my false teeth in my bathroom at home."
"Don’t worry, rabbi," says the shammes, "I know where you live. It’s only round the corner. Give me your keys and I’ll get your teeth for you."
Five minutes later, the shammes returns and gives the rabbi his teeth. Rabbi Bloom then gets up and starts his sermon. He talks and he talks and oh how he talks. And the annoying thing is that he’s talking about nothing in particular. After 15 minutes of this, the congregation start to get a bit bothered. But Rabbi Bloom just keeps talking, almost without a pause.
When some members of the shul start to get up to leave, the shammes quickly goes over to the rabbi and says, "Excuse me for interrupting your sermon, rabbi, but it’s getting late and many here need to get home. So why are you talking so much?"
"I can’t help it," replies Rabbi Bloom. "You brought me my wife’s false teeth by mistake."

(#1761) The dry cleaners
Fay is fuming with anger as she enters her dry cleaners carrying a piece of laundry in her arms. She goes straight to the manager and says, "I’ve just had this cleaned by you and just look at how you returned it. And you have the chutzpah to advertise that you are the Number One dry cleaners in London!"
The manager looks it over and says, "It seems OK to me, madam. I can’t see anything wrong with the way we cleaned this lace tablecloth."
"Don’t be such a shmo," says Fay. "This was a sheet from my bed."

shmo: fool

(#1762) Lessons in business
[My thanks to Ron for the following]
Isaac’s wealthy parents stop at nothing to ensure that their son’s barmitzvah is one their family and friends will remember for a long time. So Isaac reads his barmitzvah piece in front of a ‘full house’ at the St John’s Wood Synagogue, followed on the Sunday by a tremendous barmitzvah party at the Ritz Hotel which goes on well past midnight.
The next day, Isaac doesn’t wake up until mid morning. He opens his tired eyes and there, waiting by his bedside, is his father. "Hi Dad," says Isaac, "is anything the matter?"
"Not at all, son," replies his father. "It’s just that now you are of age, I feel today is a good time to start teaching you how to survive in business."
"Oh dad," says Isaac, "do we really have to? I’m so tired."
"Yes we do," replies his father, "it won’t take long."
Isaac watches his father leave his bedroom and then return with a decorator’s two-legged step-ladder. His father opens up the ladder in the middle of the bedroom floor and says, "OK Isaac, all you need do is climb up to the top."
"But it’s too wobbly, dad," says Isaac. "I might fall and hurt myself."
"There’s no need to worry," says his father. "Nothing will happen. I will hold it steady for you."
So Isaac walks over to the ladder and starts to climb, one slow step at a time and when he reaches the top he begins to smile a bit. All of a sudden his father pushes the ladder over and Isaac takes a nasty fall, hitting his head on the wardrobe.
Rubbing his head vigorously, Isaac shouts at his father, "Why on earth did you do that, dad? You could have killed me."
"It’s OK Isaac," replies his father, "this was the first and most important business lesson of many I will be teaching you - ’Trust No One'."

(#1763) In the know
Freda and Kitty are having their usual chat when Kitty suddenly asks, "I’m very embarrassed to be asking you this, Freda, but you are my best friend and I know you will keep this to yourself. It’s very personal."
"Of course I will, Kitty," says Freda, "I know when to keep shtoom. So what do you want to ask me?"
"How does one go about starting an affair?" asks Kitty, going red in the face.
"You’ve asked the right person, Kitty. I’ve had experience you know," says Freda. "I always start mine with Hava Negila."

shtoom: keep quiet
Hava Negila: famous Israeli music

(#1764) The lost wallet
As happens quite frequently these days, Morris gets into a dreadful state of panic. He rushes up to his wife Leah and says, almost crying, "I can’t find my wallet. I’ve been looking for it everywhere. What should I do? I had over £200 in it, and all my credit cards."
"Calm down Morris," replies Leah, "we just came back from shopping at Costco, so did you look in your jacket?"
"Yes, of course I did," replies Morris, "do you think I’m a shmo? I’ve looked in my jacket’s inside pockets three times already and it’s not there."
"So what about your trouser pockets?" asks Leah.
"I’ve looked in there too," replies Morris, "but my wallet isn’t in either pocket. What shall I do, Leah?  What shall I do?"
"Oh stop whining Morris," says Leah. "What about the side pockets of your jacket? Have you checked your wallet isn’t in there?"
"I’m not meshugga yet, Leah," Morris cries. "Of course I haven’t looked in my jacket’s side pockets. Why should I give up the last bit of hope I have left?"

shmo: fool

(#1765) A student’s saychel
During his school holidays, 17 year-old Avrahom decides to take a temporary job as a delivery boy for Minky’s Restaurant. One evening he delivers a meal to Bernie’s house. He hands over the meal and Bernie pays the bill. Then Bernie looks at Avrahom for a few seconds and somewhat begrudgingly says, "I suppose you also want me to give you a tip?"
Avrahom doesn’t answer immediately, but looks at Bernie for a few seconds before replying. "Yes, sir, that would be most appreciated, especially as the guy who normally delivers to this area told me that I shouldn’t expect much from you. He said I should be thankful if I got 10p."
"Well," says Bernie, "just to prove your friend wrong, here’s £2 for your efforts."
"Thank you very much," says Avrahom. "This will go into the fund I’m building up to pay for my future education."
"Really?" says Bernie. "So what are you going to study?"
"Applied Psychology," replies Avrahom.

(#1766) Calculating error
Jonathan has a terrible toothache and goes to see Arnold, his dentist. After looking at the tooth, Arnold says, "I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but the tooth is badly decayed and can’t be saved. It will have to come out."
"Oy vay," says Jonathan, "how much is it going to cost me?"
"For you, "replies Arnold, "only £125."
"That’s rather a high charge just for maybe 5 minutes work," says Jonathan.
"Well," replies Arnold, "if that’s how you calculate the cost of high quality dental work, I can always extract it much slower for you."

(#1767) Double trouble
"Oy, it’s tough getting old," says Sam to his friend Hymie. "If it’s not one problem, then it’s another. As soon as I awoke this morning, I had two shocks, one after the other."
"So what happened, Sam?" asks Hymie.
"When I woke up," replies Sam, "I thought my water bed had broken."
"Well had it?" asks Hymie.
"No, it hadn’t," replies Sam.
"Well that was alright then," says Hymie. "So what was your second shock?"
"I remembered that I didn’t have a water bed," Sam replies.

(#1768) Her love of chicken soup
Rivkah loves her chicken soup. She always makes a full saucepan’s worth every week for herself and her husband Shlomo. She just never tires of having it.  One night, while her Shlomo is out playing poker with his friends, she heats up a bowl of her chicken soup and starts to tuck into it, smiling with every spoonful. But then her front doorbell rings. It’s Benjy and Jeremy, two of her husband’s friends. She invites them in and then continues drinking her chicken soup.
"Oy vay, Rivkah," says Benjy, almost crying.
"So what’s the matter?" asks Rivkah.
"We’re so sorry to have to tell you this, Rivkah," replies Jeremy, "but Shlomo has just been knocked down by a car near my house. He was on his way home from our poker night."
"So is he badly hurt?" Rivkah asks, still drinking her chicken soup.
"I’m afraid it’s bad news," replies Benjy. "Shlomo is …… he’s dead."
Rivah continues drinking her chicken soup.
"Rivkah," says Jeremy, "Do you hear what we’re saying to you? Your Shlomo has been killed."
Rivkah continues spooning chicken soup into her mouth.
"I don’t understand why you are taking our terrible news so calmly," says Benjy.
"Don’t worry," says Rivkah. "As soon as I finish my bowl of chicken soup, are you going to hear a scream."

(#1769) The timetable
Harry is out shopping at Brent Cross Shopping Centre and meets his old friend Bernard. After telling each other how they’ve been getting on over the years, Harry asks Bernard whether he’s free for a poker game on Saturday evening.
"Sorry, I can’t," says Bernard. "Moishe Minkovski is performing at the Royal Albert Hall that night."
"So how about the following Monday?" asks Harry.
"No, I can’t do that night either," replies Bernard. "Moishe Minkovski is giving a Concert in Edinburgh."
"Well how about the Sunday after that?" asks Harry, hopefully.
"No, sorry," Bernard replies, "Moishe Minkovski is playing at the O2 centre."
"Oy, Bernard," says Harry, "you must be one of Moishe Minkovski’s greatest fans."
"You’re wrong there, Harry," says Bernard. "I’m definitely not a fan of his. In fact, I’ve never even seen him before."
"I don’t understand," says Harry.
"It’s not difficult to understand really," says Bernard. "Whenever Moishe Minkovski is at a concert, I go to see Rivkah."
"So who is Rivkah?" asks Harry.
"His wife," replies Bernard.
 

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