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go to eightyseventh set of Jewish jokes
This is the eightysixth set of Jewish jokes
(#1740) The mensh of Golders Green
Bernie is walking down Golders Green Road one cold morning when he hears an almighty crash behind him. He turns around and sees a "Golders Greenís Best Kosher Wines" lorry lying on its side, with broken bottles all around it and wine freely running into the gutter. The driver didnít seem to be injured, but he was nevertheless weeping openly. A crowd quickly gathers around the incident.
"Whatís the matter?" Bernie asks the driver, "Are you hurting somewhere?"
"No, Iím not hurt," replies the driver, "but my boss, Mr Solly, will no doubt blame me for the loss of his wine and deduct its cost from my pay packet."
On hearing this, a man suddenly steps forward and says to the crowd, "Oy vay, did you hear what this poor hard working Jewish guy has just said? He said heís going to lose a lot of money as a result of this accident. We shouldnít let this happen. We must all rally around and help him out."
At that, he takes off his hat, puts it on the ground next to the driver and places a £5 note in it. "Nu? What are you all waiting for?" he says to the crowd. "Help this man out. It will be a mitzvah."
Soon, the hat is overflowing with notes and coins. The man then picks up the hat and money, gives it to the driver and smiling, says, "Here, this will help you. Go back to your office and give this to your boss. It will keep him happy." As the man walks away, Bernie says to the driver, "Wow! I must tell The Jewish Chronicle of this incident. What a mensh that man is - have you ever seen him before?"
"Of course," replies the driver. "Thatís my boss Mr Solly."
(#1741) Overheard on a London bus
"I just love Jewish food. But do you know the one thing thatís wrong with it? 72 hours after you eat it, youíre hungry again."
(#1742) Why going to shul will make
you live longer
By Alex Kasriel (11 Sept 2007)
[Extracted with the kind permission of The Jewish Chronicle (The JC)]
The latest secret to looking and feeling young does not involve plastic surgery, expensive products or a fitness regime that will leave you feeling physically exhausted. All it requires is paying membership to the most sought-after club in town ó synagogue. The annual fee may leave your pockets feeling drained, but a visit at least once a week will uplift your saggy bits as well as your soul.
Or at least that is what researchers at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem would have you believe. A recent study published in The European Journal of Aging found that adults who attend synagogue regularly live longer than their peers who do not. According to Professor Howard Litwin of the universityís Israel Gerontological Data Centre (IGDC), faith helps people deal with psychological pressure. And, he adds, people who go to synagogue normally walk there and are therefore fitter.
In fact, the link between longevity and shul-going makes even more sense than he thinks. First, there is fashion. At synagogue you are expected to wear your best clothes. A new pair of Manolo Blahniks and a hat by Philip Treacy are enough to keep anyone alive and kicking from week to week.
Possibly more important is a feeling of general well-being. Synagogue means ďmeeting placeĒ, and a weekly gossip with your synagogue friends is where you can get all that built-up tension over recent broigeses off your chest. Having a moan about Mrs Berelowitz (sitting opposite), who didnít invite your kids to her daughterís batmitzvah, will stop you from bottling up your anger, which can cause heart failure later in life.
As well as walking to synagogue, congregation members have always known the value of standing up for extended periods of time during the service. During this time, you should really pull in your abdominals. You will be amazed at the difference to your six-pack. At various points, congregants are required to bend their knees and bow. Doing this light exercise at least once a week will strengthen your knees and tone your glutes.
In terms of relaxation, while the rabbi delivers his sermon most of the beauty-conscious congregation takes the opportunity to get some shut-eye. The sermon can go on for up to half an hour ó ample time to rejuvenate the body, which may be feeling sluggish after last nightís dinner. All the conditions in synagogue are just right, and if you take advantage, you will notice the difference in the wrinkles around your eyes almost immediately.
Food-wise, kiddush usually includes gefilte fish, which provides essential omega-3 oils. These stop the build-up of fatty acids which can clog arteries and cause a heart attack or stroke. A shot of whisky has also been proven to reduce stress levels.
Last, but not least, there is the community. Being around people of all ages is a good way to make you feel younger ó especially if most of those people are much older than you.
If the above reasons are not enough of an incentive to spend as much time in synagogue as possible over the High Holy Days, then nothing will convince you.
(#1743) The future of tailoring
The Levine Bros tailor shop is going through a difficult period and the two partners, Harry and Sidney, are having a chat about their future prospects. Harry says, "Oy, Sidney, things are not so hot. It seems that the only chance we have to prosper is if the Messiah comes."
"Why do you think the Messiah would help us?" asks Sidney.
"Because," replies Harry, "he would bring the dead back to life."
"Nu?" asks Sidney. "So how would that help us?"
"Because they would all need new clothes, wouldnít they?" replies Harry.
"But what if some of them had been tailors before they died?" asks Sidney. "Wouldnít they be competing with us?"
"Donít be a shmuck, Sidney," replies Harry, "they wouldnít know this yearís new styles!"
(#1744) The shul conference
One Sunday morning, Rebecca drops in to see her mother. "Mum, thereís a marvellous speaker coming to our shul this afternoon. You must come with me. Youíll like it. Itís going to be very interesting."
"Why?" asks her mother, "whatís the talk about?"
"Itís about, THE ROLE OF REGULAR SEXUAL INTERCOURSE IN JEWISH MARRIAGE," replies Rebecca.
"Iím not interested," says her mother, "Iíve given already."
(#1745) Zaydehís visit
[My thanks to Yvonne B for the following]
85 year old Jacob from New York is visiting his grandson David in Edgware. "Itís nice of you to put me up, David," says Jacob. "Iíll be no trouble to you. My memory is going fast and I canít walk too far, so all I need do is sit somewhere and maybe watch TV. But promise me youíll take me to shul on shabbes."
"Of course I will, zaydeh," replies David.
Shabbes arrives and so that they donít have to walk too far, David takes his grandfather to the nearest Edgware shul. But David doesnít tell him that this is a reform shul, even though he knows his grandfather is strictly Orthodox.
During the service, the rabbi gives a sermon on the evils of adultery. Jacob turns to David and whispers, "So tell me already bubbeleh, what means this word adultery?"
As quick as a flash and to avoid any embarrassment, David whispers back, "the best way that I can describe it zaydeh is that adultery means that you mustnít turn on any electricity in the house on shabbes."
At the end of the service, as they were leaving the shul, Jacob shuffles over to the rabbi and says, "Oy, that was a really important speech you made today on adultery. It was zer gut - obber meer hobben for das a shicksa."
zer gut: very good
obber meer hobben for das a shickser: but for me, for this I have a shicksa
shiksa: a non-Jewish woman
(#1746) The Mummy Test
Hannah is out walking in the park with her young daughter Emma when she sees Emma pick something up from the ground and put it in her mouth. "Emma," she shouts out loud, "spit that out at once."
Emma does as sheís told, then asks, "Why canít I put it in my mouth, mummy?"
"Because it will make you ill, darling," replies Hannah. "As itís been on the ground, itís got dirty, so itís full of germs which will make you very sick."
Emma looks admiringly at her mother and asks, "Youíre so, so clever, mummy. How do you know all these things?"
"All mummies know these things, darling," replies Hannah. "Itís what we have to learn before we can take the MUMMY TEST. If you donít pass this test, they donít let you be a mummy."
"Oh, so does this mean that if you donít pass the test, you have to be the daddy instead?" asks Emma.
"Thatís exactly right, darling," Hannah replies with a big grin.
(#1747) Clever thinking doctor
Moshe is 80 years old and is in doctor Myersí office discussing the results of his recent medical check-up. Doctor Myers finishes looking at the cardiogram and says, "Mazeltov, Moshe. Iím pleased to be able to tell you that your health is absolutely A1. You have good lungs, your blood pressure is fine for someone your age, and this cardiogram shows that your heart will go on beating for many more years yet. So come back in 2 years time and Iíll give you another check-up."
Moshe shakes the doctorís hand and says, "Thanks doctor, I was worried about my health before I came here, so Iím glad all is OK." He then leaves.
But within seconds of Moshe leaving the office, doctor Myers hears a loud thump from the reception area. He rushes out and to his horror sees Moshe lying flat on his back next to the reception desk. He checks Moshe and quickly discovers that Moshe is dead. "Oy veh, what happened?" doctor Myers asks his receptionist.
"He walked past me then fell stiffly backwards to the floor, just like a tree being felled," she replies.
Doctor Myers bends down, puts his hands under Mosheís arms and says to the receptionist, "grab hold of his feet for me please."
"Why do you want me to do that?" she asks. "Shouldnít we leave him as he is for the ambulance men to take?"
"No, definitely not," replies doctor Myers. "We must turn him around right now."
"Why?" asks the receptionist.
"To make it look like he was coming in," replies doctor Myers.
(#1748) The fan of Louis
Louis runs a little shop selling a mishmosh of small items which he buys cheap and sells cheap. One day Leah visits the shop and as she is looking around, she spots a small lace fan. Itís very hot outside, so she picks it up and walks to the till to pay. "How much is this fan?" Leah asks Louis.
"For you, lady," replies Louis, you can have it for 50p"
"OK," says Leah and pays the money.
Next morning, Leah is back in the shop. She shows Louis the remnants of the fan and says, "I had only been using the fan for a short while when it just seemed to fall to pieces."
"So?" asks Louis.
"So I want my money back," says Leah.
"How much did you pay for it?" asks Louis.
"50p," replies Leah.
"And how did you use it?" asks Louis.
"Oy, what a stupid question," replies Leah. "Do you think Iím meshugga? I waved it in front of my face from side to side, as I always do."
"Well no wonder it broke," says Louis. "Thatís what you do with a £5 fan. With a 50p fan, you hold the fan still in front of your face and wave your head. "
(#1749) A handy solution
Arnold is very nervous as he goes up to his girlfriendís father and says, "Mr Joseph, you know Iíve been dating your daughter Esther for over nine months now. Well Iím happy to tell you that weíve both fallen madly in love with each other and want to get married. Iím here to ask you kindly for your daughterís hand in marriage. What do you say?"
"What do I say?" beams the father. "This is what I say. Mazeltov, my boy! Iíve been waiting for this to happen for some time. Of course you can marry Esther, but only on one condition."
"What condition is that?" asks Arnold, looking a bit worried.
"On condition that the hand youíre asking for," replies the father with a mischievous grin, "is the hand thatís always in my pocket."
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