(#1725) Time and motion
Miriam gets married and a year later goes into hospital and gives birth to triplets. All her family and friends are shocked when they hear the news – they know of no-one who has had triplets before.
As soon as she hears the news, Miriam’s shviger Fay goes to visit her daughter-in-law in hospital. As soon as she arrives, Fay hands over the bunch of grapes and says, "What a surprise, Miriam. No one on our side of the family has ever had twins before, yet alone triplets."
"Yes, it was a bit of a shock," replies Miriam, "but I’m getting over it. In fact my doctor tells me that triplets only happen once every hundred thousand times."
"Oy vay, Miriam," says Fay, "how on earth did you find the time to do your housework?"

shviger: mother-in law

(#1726) The marriage
[My thanks to Norm K for the following]
Lionel from London is taking his University gap year in America and he’s visiting as many places there as he can. But whilst spending some time in Oklahoma, he meets and falls deeply in love with a Cherokee girl. Not long after, they decide to get married and Lionel rings his mother to tell her the good news.
"Mum, I’ve found my future wife and we’re getting married over here. I’m going to send you the air tickets to join us."
"Mazeltov Lionel," his mother says. "I’m so pleased, but is she ……. Jewish?"
"No mum," Lionel replies, "she’s not. But she promises to act as a Jewish wife."
"Oy," his mother wails, "I’ve always wanted you to marry a lovely Jewish girl."
"You can’t have everything mum," Lionel says. "And another thing I must tell you. She lives on a reservation and that’s where we’ll be living after we marry."
"I can’t take any more of this," cries his mother, "I don’t want the tickets and I don’t want to speak to you again." And with that she slams down the phone.
Almost a year later, Lionel rings his mother and tells her that they are expecting a baby.  His mother doesn’t slam down the phone but says, very politely and unemotionally, "That’s nice, son, I’m happy for you both."
Eight months later, Lionel again rings his mother and says, "Mum, I just want to say that last night my wife gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I also want you to know that we’ve agreed to give our son a Jewish name."
Upon hearing this unexpected news, his mother shouts out with happiness. "Oh Lionel, bubbeleh, this is wonderful news," she cries, "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. You’ve both made me more happy than you could ever know."
"That's fantastic, mum," replies Lionel. "I’m so glad that you and I are back together as mother and son."
"And what," asks his proud and happy mother, "is my lovely grandson’s name going to be?"
Lionel replies, proudly, "Smoked Whitefish."

(#1727) Which is which?
Jeremy and Isaac are out having a celebratory meal at Minky’s Kosher Cafe. At the end of the meal, the waiter comes over and asks, "OK, gentlemen, will it be tea or coffee for you?"
"I’ll have a glass lemon tea," replies Jeremy.
"Me too," says Isaac, "and make sure the glass is clean."
Five minutes later, the waiter returns with two lemon teas on his tray. As he’s about to hand them out, he asks, "Who asked for the clean glass?"

(#1728) Now that’s chutzpah
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Ethel, a little old lady with a lovely smile, makes a living selling roses on the corner of Middlesex Street for £1 a rose. Maurice, on the other hand, works for a bank in Middlesex Street and is doing very well for himself.
Maurice has always felt sorry for Ethel and whenever he leaves his office for lunch and passes Ethel, he always gives her £1. But Maurice never takes a rose from her and although this has been going on for 2 years, the two of them have never spoken to each other.
One day, as Maurice passes Ethel and leaves his usual £1, Ethel speaks to him for the first time. "I appreciate your business, sir. You really are my best customer, but I must point out to you that the price of a rose has now gone up to £1.50."

(#1729) Morning activity
Bernie awakes and, as he’s been doing now for over 35 years, he immediately goes into the bathroom to get ready to go to work. But 15 minutes later, he’s still in the bathroom and it’s no surprise that his wife Renee finally hammers on the door and shouts out, "What on earth are you doing in there, Bernie? Why are you taking so long?"
"It’s simple, Renee," Bernie shouts back. "As I get balder and balder, it’s taking me longer and longer to wash my face."

(#1730) The doctor’s advice
[My thanks to Ron for the following]
Right up to the time he gets married to the lovely Hannah, Avrahom had never been with a girl before. So it’s not surprising that on his wedding night, poor Avrahom can’t do anything right for Hannah. Two weeks go by and he still doesn’t really know what to do in bed. Totally frustrated, Hannah suggests to Avrahom that he has a chat with their doctor. He agrees and two days later he’s talking to Dr Myers.
"So what should I do, doctor?" asks Avrahom.
"It’s quite simple, Avrahom," advises Dr Myers. "Next time you’re in bed with Hannah, you should place your hand gently on her stomach and say something like, ‘darling, I love you so much’ and everything will be OK from that moment onwards."
Avrahom goes home feeling more confident.
Later that night, soon after they get into bed, Avrahom places his hand on her stomach and says in a very romantic voice, "Darling, I love you with all my heart and I always will."
Hannah can’t believe the change in Avrahom and decides to take things further, so excitedly she whispers back, "Lower Avrahom, lower."
So our Avrahom repeats, but this time in a much lower voice, "Darling, I love you with all my heart ………"

(#1731) Designs for senior citizens
Miriam has never been on a cruise before. One day, she meets her friend Leah and they stop for a chat.
"So where are you and Simon going for your holidays this year?" asks Leah.
"I’d like to try out a cruise, Leah," replies Miriam, "but I’m not sure whether Simon and I would enjoy ourselves. We’re almost 70 now and Simon thinks cruising is for younger people."
"No, you’re wrong in thinking that, Miriam," replies Leah. "Most cruise ships have special design features just for senior citizens."
"So give me an example, already," says Miriam.
"Well … OK," replies Leah, "They have bifocal portholes."

(#1732) An observation on marriage
[My thanks to Ron for the following]
When Jewish women get married, they often find that unfortunately, they have exchanged the attentions of many men for the inattention of one man

(#1733) Frightened Isaac
In 1967, Isaac joins the Army. On his first day of service, he gets issued with a comb and later on in the afternoon, the Army hairdresser cuts off all his lovely thick brown hair. Isaac is not at all happy with this. His hair was his pride and joy.
On Isaac’s second day of service, he gets issued with a toothbrush and later on in the afternoon, the Army dentist extracts four of his teeth. Isaac is very angry with this as he felt these teeth were perfectly sound.
On Isaac’s third day of service, he gets issued with a jock strap.
Forty years later, the Army is still searching for Isaac.

(#1734) Reading the results
[My thanks to Shlomo for the following]
10 year old Sam comes home from school with his end-of-term exam results and gives his report to his father Sidney. Sidney reads through Sam’s results and sees: -
English 46%
French 35%
Mathematics 43%
Computers 49%
History 40%
Geography 25%
Technical Drawing 51%
Singing 88%
As soon as he finishes reading, Sidney walks over to Sam and gives him a klop on the head.
Taken by surprise, Sam cries out, "Ouch! What did you do that for, dad? Didn’t I get a high mark for my singing?"
"With marks like these," replies Sidney, "and you still felt like singing?"

klop: whack

(#1735) A few kind words
Moshe walks into the bar at his golf club, sits down and orders a whisky. As he sips his drink, he hears a soothing voice say, "Nice tie, Moshe."
He looks around but notices that there is no-one else in the room except for himself and the barman. A few sips later, another voice says, "Beautiful shirt, Moshe."
Moshe calls over the bartender. "I must be losing my mind," he says. "I keep hearing voices saying nice things to me yet there's no-one in here except the two of us."
"It's the peanuts, Moshe," says the barman, smiling.
"What on earth are you talking about? Are you meshugga?" says Moshe.
"It's the peanuts," repeats the barman, "they're complimentary."

(#1736) A miracle?
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Rabbi Levy, one of the wisest of rabbis, is dying. And because he is so loved by his colleagues, many rabbis have gathered around his hospital bedside trying to make his last moments as rewarding as possible.
Whilst the visiting rabbis are praying, one of the nurses comes into the room and offers rabbi Levy a glass of warm milk to drink. But with what little strength he has left, rabbi Levy refuses it.
Seeing this, rabbi Jacobs has an idea. He remembers that he has a bottle of whiskey in his car which he was planning to use for his next kiddush. So whilst his colleagues are watching rabbi Levy’s laboured breaths, he quickly picks up the glass of milk and creeps out to his car. Rabbi Jacobs then opens the bottle of whiskey and pours a generous portion of it into the warm milk. He then goes back to rabbi Levy’s bedside and holds the glass to rabbi Levy’s lips.
"Go on rabbi Levy," says rabbi Jacobs, "please drink some of this milk. It will make you feel a bit better. Really it will."
So rabbi Levy takes a small sip, stares at the glass, drinks a bit more, then smiles and finishes every drop of the milk-and-whiskey mixture.
The other rabbis are humbled when they see rabbi Levy apparently making some kind of recovery. "Rabbi Levy," they say, "please share some of your wisdom with us before you die!"
At this, rabbi Levy raises himself up in his bed and with a pious look on his face points out the window and says, "Don't sell that cow!"

(#1737) Reminiscing
Ruth, Hetty and Naomi, all three in their 80s, are sitting together in their retirement home reminiscing about the good old days. Ruth says, "I remember when I used to be able to buy lovely big cucumbers at the greengrocers for no more than 1p each. They were giants (she demonstrates their length and thickness with her hands as she talks), not like the little cucumbers on sale today."
Hetty then says, "Well I remember the giant onions I used to be able to buy for ½ p each. Every week, I always bought two of them (and she demonstrates the size of the two onions with her hands as she talks) for my chicken soup."
Naomi, who has been sitting quietly listening to Ruth and Hetty, then says, "I couldn’t hear a word either of you were saying, but I remember the guy you were talking about."

(#1738) Hebonics
[My thanks to Richard K for the following]
The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English - now dubbed Hebonics - as a second language. Backers of the move say the city's School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture. According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question -- plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus, 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my feet?'"
Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism.  An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."
Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as: "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline, he walks."
Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On Hebonics:

• Question: "What time is it?"  English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."  Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"
• Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."  English response: "Thanks."  Hebonic response: "I should *be* so lucky!"
• Remark: "Hurry up! Dinner's ready."  English response: "Be right there."  Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
• Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time."  English response: "Glad you like it."  Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?
• Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."  English response: "Congratulations!"  Hebonic response: "She could stand to lose a few pounds."
• Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"  English answer: "Just say when!"  Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding!? Do I look like a cowboy?"
• To guest of honor at his birthday party:  English remark: "Happy birthday."  Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."
• Remark: "A beautiful day."  English response: "Sure is."  Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"
• Answering a phone call from son:  English remark: "It's been a long time since you called."  Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

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