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set of Jewish jokes
This is the eightythird set of Jewish
(#1695) The kosher hotel booking
One day, Cyril notices for the first time
that his father Nathan is getting on in years and decides to treat him.
When next he visits his father, Cyril says, "Dad, Iíve done well in business
and Iíd like to treat you. You havenít been on holiday since Mum died and
I think itís time you went again. So Iím going to purchase a return flight
to Miami Beach and book you into a nice hotel. Iím sure youíll meet lots
of new friends and the weather there will do you good. What do you say?"
"Oy, son, what a nice present,"
replies Nathan. "Iíd love to go, but only on condition that you book me
into a strictly kosher hotel."
"Itís a deal," says Cyril.
Cyril quickly makes arrangements for his
father to stay 6 weeks at the ĎKosher Minky Hotelí. Two weeks later, he
takes his father to the airport and sees him off.
Every Sunday for the next four weeks,
Cyril phones his father to check all is well. And the reply is always,
"You didnít need to call me, son, Iím well and Iím thoroughly enjoying
But Cyril wants to see his fatherís happiness
for himself and decides to visit the Kosher Minky without telling anyone.
When he arrives, he looks for his father in the lounges, the dining room
and the swimming pool, but there is no sign of him. So he goes to reception
and asks where he might find his father. The receptionist tells him that
he should try the Goodservice Hotel, room 13.
Cyril immediately takes a taxi to the
Goodservice, walks up to room 13 and knocks on the door. The door is opened
by a tarty looking girl in her underwear, and there behind her is his father
in a bathrobe.
"Father," shouts Cyril, "how could you?
Youíre a religious man and you made me book you into a kosher hotel.
Iím totally shocked by what I see."
Nathan looks at his son and says, "I donít
know what youíre getting so worked up for, son. I donít eat here."
(#1696) How do the dentures feel?
Abeís eating a bagel for his mid morning
snack and breaks his dentures. He searches Yellow Pages for a dental technician,
but everyone he calls quotes him an exorbitant price. "I just donít understand
you, Abe," says his wife Sarah, "we have a newly qualified dentist in the
family, so why don't you call your nephew Arnold? I know you donít think
much of him, but Iíll bet heíll give you a better deal than those gonifs
just spoken to. Why donít you go see him, heís only five minutes away?"
"Oy Vay, Sarah," replies Abe, "You
know I think Arnold is a shmuck. I wouldn't want to put any dentures
he makes in my mouth."
But Sarah doesnít let up and 30 minutes
later, Abe is discussing new dentures with Arnold. "I can make you a new
set for only £100," says Arnold, "which is a special rate just for
A week later, Abe has his first fitting
and just as he thought, theyíre uncomfortable. Over the weeks that follow,
Abe regularly visits Arnold for adjustments. Sometimes Arnold adds some
material, sometimes he grinds away some material and sometimes he bends
some material, but to no avail - Abe never feels they fit perfectly.
Then suddenly Abe stops coming and Arnold thinks he is at last happy with
Two months later, by chance, they meet
in the street. "Hi uncle Abe," Arnold says, "it's good to see you again.
How do the dentures feel?"
"Let me answer that by telling you a true
story," replies Abe. "For the past three weeks, weíve been on a Caribbean
Cruise. Whilst there, I hire a boat to do some deep water fishing and immediately
I hook this great big 350 pound tuna. This is a very powerful fish and
immediately begins to swim away from me. As Iím struggling to hold him,
my 200 metres fishing line runs out and Iím nearly jerked over the side.
Then the tuna turns around and starts swimming back towards me at great
speed and now Iím frantically reeling in the line. Then I notice that somehow
the loose line which has been falling in the boat has wrapped itself around
my shorts, trapping my testicles. Before I can take any action, the tuna
turns around for a second time and starts swimming even faster away from
the boat. Arnold, believe me, just then, for the first time in many, many
weeks, I didn't feel your dentures!"
shmuck: a stupid person,
(#1697) Marriage research
[My thanks to Stan C for
Isaac has been quietly perusing a document
for some time and his wife Rose is getting curious. So she asks him, "Nu,
so what are you reading, Isaac?"
"Our ketubah," he replies.
"But youíve been staring at it now for
nearly an hour," she says.
"I know," Isaac replies. "Iím looking
"So what are you looking for, Isaac?"
"An expiry date," he replies.
ketubah: Jewish marriage
(#1698) Five positive reasons to celebrate
marror: bitter herb, usually
You will get to drink a lot of alcohol: Youíll
have everyoneís total permission to drink four glasses of wine and there
could even be 5th glass for you if Elijah doesnít turn up.
You can save money: Iím almost certain that
you havenít given thought to eating last yearís unused matzo. But
if you do, you can save money by using it. And it wonít even taste any
You can get to sing with a loud and clear
voice: Did you know that marror is a far better treatment for blocked
sinuses than any medicine you can buy in the chemist. So enjoy the marror
and later on you can sing Chad Gadya with a voice like an angel!
You can earn extra money: The extra cash you
can get from selling your chometz will comes in handy after the
Spring bank holiday.
You will save on toilet paper: Just
think of all the toilet paper you will be able to save by eating matzo
for a whole week!
chad gadya: a Passover
chometz: bread to be
removed from the house prior to Passover
(#1699) Passover riddle
Q: Why do we read from a haggadah?
A: Because we want to be able to Seder
haggadah: Passover prayer
seder: Passover ceremony
(#1700) Another Passover riddle
Q: What do we call a person who enjoys
eating the bread of affliction?
A: A matzochist.
(#1701) You know youíre an Israeli because
[My thanks to Shlomo for
(#1702) The coach journey
You dial Directory Enquiries and ask, "Can
I have the phone number of Moshe Levy in Tel Aviv, please." And when the
operator replies, "which Moshe Levy do you want?" you say, "You know, Moshe,
the one with the bad limp."
You always speak half in Hebrew and half in
You book a room in a nice London hotel and
then complain to reception, "I canít see the ocean from my window!"
You put on a tight T-shirt with the word SEX
written across the front of it in big red letters. Then you smear your
lips with thick crimson lipstick and put on 5 inch high bright red platform
shoes. Then, when you meet your best friend, you say to her, "Oy,
did I see such a tart yesterday!"
As you walk down a main road, you recognise
everyone you pass from the days you spent in the Army.
Before you buy any brand new car, you check
it out by kicking its front tyres.
When you meet someone who tells you they live
in New York, you say, "Wonderful! So do you know Shlomo who lives there
for 3 years already?"
30 very senior citizens from a Jewish
Care home in Golders Green are travelling by coach to Waddesdon Manor to
see, what else, but the Rothschild antiques collection.
They have been traveling for only 30 minutes
when 80 year old Hetty walks up to the driver from the back of the coach
and tells him, "Oy, mister, there's a pervert onboard." She then
returns to her seat.
One minute later, 82 year old Ethel walks
up to the driver from the back of the coach and tells him, "Oy vay,
mister driver, there's a pervert on this coach." Then she too returns to
The driver feels he must check it out
because there have been two similar complaints within minutes of each other.
So he stops the coach and walks to the back. There he finds Cyril,
a very frail elderly bald-headed man, crawling around under the seats on
his hands and knees. The driver immediately asks Cyril, "What on earth
do you think you are doing down there?"
Cyril looks up at the driver and says,
"Iíve lost my toupee and I'm looking for it down here. Twice in the last
5 minutes I thought I had found it, but mine is parted on the side."
(#1703) Shul announcement
Moshe loses his wallet and decides to
place the following advert in his shulís weekly newsletter.
LOST OR STOLEN: Near or
in the Brent Cross Shopping Centre. A brown full length leather wallet
containing my driving licence, my passport, some irreplaceable family photos
and approximately £500 in £20 notes. Finder can keep the documents
and the photos but should return the money, to which I am attached for
(#1704) The Tao
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao is definitely not Jewish.
(#1705) The Pope and the Rabbi
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed
that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry
from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a
religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won,
they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged
but wise Rabbi Moshe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moshe
spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it
would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi
Moshe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised
his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moshe looked back and raised one
Next the Pope waved his finger around
his head. Rabbi Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then
brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moshe pulled
out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten,
that Rabbi Moshe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope,
asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers
to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind
me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I
waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by
pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I
pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten
and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered
around Rabbi Moshe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moshe. "First
he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to
him, Ďup yours!í Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared
of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."
"And then what," asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moshe, "He took out
his lunch so I took out mine."
(#1706) A philosophical thought
Itís funny how Ďbigí £100 looks
when you make a shul donation, but so Ďsmallí when you spend it
at the shopping centre.
(#1707) Important instruction for men
I strongly recommended that you never
criticise your wife. Just remember that if she were perfect, she would
have married someone much better than you.
(#1708) Jewish Food
(#1709) The avid golfer
Latkes: A pancake-like structure not
to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a
latke, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs
and matzo meal. Latkes can be eaten with apple sauce but NEVER with maple
syrup. There is a rumour that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latke
by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have
heartburn for the same amount of time. It's a GOOD thing.
Matzo: The Egyptians' revenge for leaving
slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water - no eggs or flavour
at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming
value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However,
it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.
Kasha Varnishkes: One of the little-known
delicacies which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has
nothing to do with varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and
bow-tie macaroni (noodles). Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and
agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the table
without a tie."
Blintzes: Not to be confused with the German
war machine. Can you imagine the N.J. Post 1939 headlines: "Germans drop
tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland - shortage of sour cream
expected." Basically this is the Jewish answer to Crepe Suzette.
Kishka: You know from Haggis? Well,
this ain't it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it.
Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with?
Carrots, celery, onions, flour, and spices. But the trick is not to cook
it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24
hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional
Kreplach: It sounds worse than it tastes.
There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins. One Rabbi claims it began
when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started
in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and
the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your
mother-in-law who cooked it.
Cholent: This combination of noxious
gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination
of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your
ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant
(kosher of course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just
had his first taste of Mexican
Fried Beans: "What! Do they serve leftover
cholent here too?" My wife once tried something unusual for guests: She
made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back.
Gefilte Fish: A few years ago, I had
problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck
and mangled. My son (5 years old) looked at them and commented "Is that
why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?" Originally, it was a carp stuffed with
a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small
fish balls eaten with horse radish ("chrain") which is judged on its relative
strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.
Bagels: How can we finish without the
quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends
surrounding the bagel although I don't now any. There have been persistent
rumours that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't
get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself
eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something
hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese
and which doesn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole?
The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and
the dough is only there for emphasis.
Gary, an 80 year old avid golfer, moves
to a new house in Barnet just to be near a golf club. So keen is Gary that
not long after the last removal lorry has left, he gets into his car, takes
a short trip to the Dyrham Park Country Club and quickly becomes a member
of this well known golf club. Two days after that, he goes to Dyrham to
play his first round there.
When he arrives, heís told by Harold the
on-duty Pro that as everyone is out on the course he wonít be able to play
today. But our Gary doesnít give in easily and nags that he really, desperately,
with all his heart, wants to play. Harold gives in and says he himself
will play with Gary, but only if they play for a £50 bet. Gary agrees.
On their way to the first hole, Harold
asks Gary, "How many strokes do you want?"
"I don't need any strokes," replies Gary,
"Iíve been playing quite well this year and the only problem I have is
getting out of sand traps."
Gary then begins his first round of golf
at Dyrham and for the next 3 hours he plays Ďout of his skin.í Coming to
the par four 18th, Gary and Harold are level. Harold produces a great drive
which allows him to get onto the green in two and is then able to two-putt
for a par. Gary also drives well but his approach shot lands in the sand
trap next to the green. Gary gets into the bunker and hits a high ball
which lands on the green and gently rolls into the hole. Match and £50
Harold immediately walks over to Gary
and says, "That was a fantastic shot for an eighty year old, but I thought
you told me you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
"I do," replies Gary, "could you please
give me a hand?"
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