(#1695) The kosher hotel booking
One day, Cyril notices for the first time that his father Nathan is getting on in years and decides to treat him. When next he visits his father, Cyril says, "Dad, I’ve done well in business and I’d like to treat you. You haven’t been on holiday since Mum died and I think it’s time you went again. So I’m going to purchase a return flight to Miami Beach and book you into a nice hotel. I’m sure you’ll meet lots of new friends and the weather there will do you good. What do you say?"
"Oy, son, what a nice present," replies Nathan. "I’d love to go, but only on condition that you book me into a strictly kosher hotel."
"It’s a deal," says Cyril.
Cyril quickly makes arrangements for his father to stay 6 weeks at the ‘Kosher Minky Hotel’. Two weeks later, he takes his father to the airport and sees him off.
Every Sunday for the next four weeks, Cyril phones his father to check all is well. And the reply is always, "You didn’t need to call me, son, I’m well and I’m thoroughly enjoying myself."
But Cyril wants to see his father’s happiness for himself and decides to visit the Kosher Minky without telling anyone. When he arrives, he looks for his father in the lounges, the dining room and the swimming pool, but there is no sign of him. So he goes to reception and asks where he might find his father. The receptionist tells him that he should try the Goodservice Hotel, room 13.
Cyril immediately takes a taxi to the Goodservice, walks up to room 13 and knocks on the door. The door is opened by a tarty looking girl in her underwear, and there behind her is his father in a bathrobe.
"Father," shouts Cyril, "how could you? You’re a religious man and you made me book you into a kosher hotel. I’m totally shocked by what I see."
Nathan looks at his son and says, "I don’t know what you’re getting so worked up for, son. I don’t eat here."

(#1696) How do the dentures feel?
Abe’s eating a bagel for his mid morning snack and breaks his dentures. He searches Yellow Pages for a dental technician, but everyone he calls quotes him an exorbitant price. "I just don’t understand you, Abe," says his wife Sarah, "we have a newly qualified dentist in the family, so why don't you call your nephew Arnold? I know you don’t think much of him, but I’ll bet he’ll give you a better deal than those gonifs you’ve just spoken to. Why don’t you go see him, he’s only five minutes away?"
"Oy Vay, Sarah," replies Abe, "You know I think Arnold is a shmuck. I wouldn't want to put any dentures he makes in my mouth."
But Sarah doesn’t let up and 30 minutes later, Abe is discussing new dentures with Arnold. "I can make you a new set for only £100," says Arnold, "which is a special rate just for the family."
A week later, Abe has his first fitting and just as he thought, they’re uncomfortable. Over the weeks that follow, Abe regularly visits Arnold for adjustments. Sometimes Arnold adds some material, sometimes he grinds away some material and sometimes he bends some material, but to no avail - Abe never feels they fit perfectly.  Then suddenly Abe stops coming and Arnold thinks he is at last happy with his dentures.
Two months later, by chance, they meet in the street. "Hi uncle Abe," Arnold says, "it's good to see you again. How do the dentures feel?"
"Let me answer that by telling you a true story," replies Abe. "For the past three weeks, we’ve been on a Caribbean Cruise. Whilst there, I hire a boat to do some deep water fishing and immediately I hook this great big 350 pound tuna. This is a very powerful fish and immediately begins to swim away from me. As I’m struggling to hold him, my 200 metres fishing line runs out and I’m nearly jerked over the side. Then the tuna turns around and starts swimming back towards me at great speed and now I’m frantically reeling in the line. Then I notice that somehow the loose line which has been falling in the boat has wrapped itself around my shorts, trapping my testicles. Before I can take any action, the tuna turns around for a second time and starts swimming even faster away from the boat. Arnold, believe me, just then, for the first time in many, many weeks, I didn't feel your dentures!"

gonifs: thieves/crooks
shmuck: a stupid person, a penis

(#1697) Marriage research
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Isaac has been quietly perusing a document for some time and his wife Rose is getting curious. So she asks him, "Nu, so what are you reading, Isaac?"
"Our ketubah," he replies.
"But you’ve been staring at it now for nearly an hour," she says.
"I know," Isaac replies. "I’m looking for something."
"So what are you looking for, Isaac?" asks Rose.
"An expiry date," he replies.

ketubah: Jewish marriage certificate

(#1698) Five positive reasons to celebrate Passover

• You will get to drink a lot of alcohol: You’ll have everyone’s total permission to drink four glasses of wine and there could even be 5th glass for you if Elijah doesn’t turn up.
• You can save money: I’m almost certain that you haven’t given thought to eating last year’s unused matzo. But if you do, you can save money by using it. And it won’t even taste any different!
• You can get to sing with a loud and clear voice: Did you know that marror is a far better treatment for blocked sinuses than any medicine you can buy in the chemist. So enjoy the marror and later on you can sing Chad Gadya with a voice like an angel!
• You can earn extra money: The extra cash you can get from selling your chometz will comes in handy after the Spring bank holiday.
• You will save on toilet paper:  Just think of all the toilet paper you will be able to save by eating matzo for a whole week!

(#1699) Passover riddle
Q: Why do we read from a haggadah?
A: Because we want to be able to Seder right words.

haggadah: Passover prayer book
seder: Passover ceremony

(#1700) Another Passover riddle
Q: What do we call a person who enjoys eating the bread of affliction?
A: A matzochist.

(#1701) You know you’re an Israeli because
[My thanks to Shlomo for the following]

• You dial Directory Enquiries and ask, "Can I have the phone number of Moshe Levy in Tel Aviv, please." And when the operator replies, "which Moshe Levy do you want?" you say, "You know, Moshe, the one with the bad limp."
• You always speak half in Hebrew and half in English.
• You book a room in a nice London hotel and then complain to reception, "I can’t see the ocean from my window!"
• You put on a tight T-shirt with the word SEX written across the front of it in big red letters. Then you smear your lips with thick crimson lipstick and put on 5 inch high bright red platform shoes. Then, when you meet your best friend, you say to her, "Oy, did I see such a tart yesterday!"
• As you walk down a main road, you recognise everyone you pass from the days you spent in the Army.
• Before you buy any brand new car, you check it out by kicking its front tyres.
• When you meet someone who tells you they live in New York, you say, "Wonderful! So do you know Shlomo who lives there for 3 years already?"

(#1703) Shul announcement
Moshe loses his wallet and decides to place the following advert in his shul’s weekly newsletter.

LOST OR STOLEN:  Near or in the Brent Cross Shopping Centre. A brown full length leather wallet containing my driving licence, my passport, some irreplaceable family photos and approximately £500 in £20 notes. Finder can keep the documents and the photos but should return the money, to which I am attached for sentimental reasons.

(#1705) The Pope and the Rabbi
[Author unknown]
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moshe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moshe looked back and raised one finger.
Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moshe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moshe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moshe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moshe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, ‘up yours!’ Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."
"And then what," asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moshe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

(#1706) A philosophical thought
It’s funny how ‘big’ £100 looks when you make a shul donation, but so ‘small’ when you spend it at the shopping centre.

(#1707) Important instruction for men
I strongly recommended that you never criticise your wife. Just remember that if she were perfect, she would have married someone much better than you.

(#1708) Jewish Food
[Author Unknown]

• Latkes:  A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a latke, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkes can be eaten with apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumour that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latke by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heartburn for the same amount of time. It's a GOOD thing.
• Matzo:  The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water - no eggs or flavour at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.
• Kasha Varnishkes: One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni (noodles). Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the table without a tie."
• Blintzes: Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the N.J. Post 1939 headlines: "Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland - shortage of sour cream expected." Basically this is the Jewish answer to Crepe Suzette.
• Kishka:  You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour, and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.
• Kreplach:  It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins. One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it.
• Cholent:  This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican
• Fried Beans: "What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?" My wife once tried something unusual for guests: She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back.
• Gefilte Fish:  A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son (5 years old) looked at them and commented "Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?" Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horse radish ("chrain") which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.
• Bagels:  How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don't now any. There have been persistent rumours that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis.

go to eightyfourth set of Jewish jokes

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