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go to eightythird set of Jewish jokes
This is the eightysecond set of Jewish jokes
Joseph is thrilled to be taking Bracha, his 95year old mother to see the hit show, "Fiddler on the Roof." He’s excited not only because Bracha hasn’t seen it before, but also because she came to America in the late 1930s from one of the many Anatevka-like Russian shtetls.
Not only does Joseph book the most expensive seats in the theatre, but he also buys Bracha some smart new clothes to wear. And on the night of the show, he even orders a stretch limo to take them there and back. He wants it to be a memorable evening and doesn’t want to leave anything to chance.
On the night of the show, they arrive in style, take their seats and watch the performance. And as soon as the final curtain comes down, Joseph asks Bracha, "Well Mom, what did you think of the show? Be honest. Did it bring back any memories for you?"
Bracha sits there for a while, then turns to Joseph and gives both a nod and a classic JMS (Jewish Mother Shrug). "Yes bubbeleh, it did," she replies, "but I really don't remember that much singing."
bubbeleh: term of endearment,
like dear, pet or honey
shtetl: Jewish village community in Eastern Europe
(#1681) The rift
By chance, Esther meets her friend Becky in Brent Cross shopping centre. "Well fancy seeing you here," says Esther, "I haven’t seen you for at least a year. How’s everything?"
"Oh fine …. I suppose," replies Becky.
"What do you mean by ‘I suppose’?" asks Esther.
"Well," replies Becky, "my sister Rachel is very ill and is in hospital. I’ve just come back from visiting her."
"Oh, I’m sorry to hear it," says Esther. "Is Rachel the sister who’s not been speaking to you for some time?"
"Yes," replies Becky, "she fell out with me some 2 years ago and she hasn’t spoken a word to me since."
"So why did you visit her?" asks Esther.
"My sister Rachel is almost impossible to deal with," replies Becky. "When she’s broyges, she stays broyges, no matter what. But she’s very ill and my son Arnold begged me to go see her, and so I did."
"How did the visit go then?" asks Esther.
"As soon as I walked into her ward, she said to me, "Becky, don’t think that coming here automatically changes anything between us. Nevertheless, I want you to know that if I die, you're forgiven for all you've done to me. But, if I get well, please God, then I’ll stay broyges with you."
Q: What is a Jewish pullover?
A: It’s what Jewish children wear when their mothers are feeling cold.
(#1683) The perfect woman
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Avrahom and Rivkah are quite worried about their 30 year old son Jacob. They’re a Chassidic family and they feel that Jacob should have found a wife by now and had many children. So one day, Avrahom announces, "I’ve been in touch with a shadchen to help us find a wife for our Jacob, and he’s coming here tonight."
"Oy vay," says Jacob.
The shadchen arrives and immediately starts asking questions to enable him to find the right kind of daughter / daughter-in-law. At the end of his visit, the shadchen says to them, "You’ve answered my questions and I’ve been able to put together a ‘shopping list’ of your requirements. I know what you want."
"So do you have someone who meets our requirements?" asks Avrahom, hopefully.
"I think I might have the perfect woman," replies the shadchen. "I’ll be back tomorrow night with some news."
The next night, the shadchen returns and with a smile announces, "What a wonderful woman I’ve found."
"So make with the details, already," says Avrahom.
"Well," says the shadchen, "I think this woman will be perfect for Jacob. She’s the right age; she keeps a Glatt Kosher home; she attends shul regularly; she davens by heart; she just adores children and wants to raise a large family; she’s a marvellous cook; and on top of all that, she's very, very beautiful."
On hearing this, Avrahom and Rivkah begin to discuss the prospects of an early wedding. But then Jacob, who up to now has remained silent, asks the shadchen, "Is she also good in bed?"
The shadchen thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well Jacob, some say yes...and some say no."
shadchen: a professional
chassid chassidic: member of an orthodox religious sect
(#1684) The pre-nuptial agreement
Sam and Leah, both in their 80's, are discussing the possibility of getting married. Leah says, "If I marry you, Sam, I’ll want to keep my au pair. She’s fantastic."
"That's OK with me," replies Sam.
"And I’ll also want to keep my Lexus," Leah continues.
"That's also fine with me. It won’t be a problem," says Sam.
"And not only that," says Leah, "I’ll want to have sex 6 times a week, without fail."
"That's no problem with me," says Sam. "Put me down for Mondays."
(#1685) Innocent conversation
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Leah and her best friend Talya, both 4 years old, are having a chat in the playground of their Edgware school. Leah is talking very excitedly because her mother is getting re-married on Sunday and she’s telling Talya all about her new father.
"And my new daddy is also very rich," says Leah, "he’s a chartered accountant."
"So what’s your new daddy’s name?" asks Talya.
"His name is Benny Gold," replies Leah delightedly.
On hearing this, Talya’s little face lights up. "He’s lovely, Leah. You'll really, really like him," she says.
"Do you know him?" asks Leah.
Talya nods, "Yes, he was my daddy last year."
(#1686) The telephone call
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
Daniel, a single 40 year old, has just returned from a business trip to New York and is telling his friend Sam about a telephone conversation he had whilst there.
"What an embarrassing conversation it was," Daniel says.
"In what way was it embarrassing?" asks Sam.
"Well," replies Daniel, "Whenever I go on a business trip, I always pick up one of the cards left in various places that advertise girls willing to help men relax – you know what I mean, don’t you, Sam, massage and all that?"
"Yes, of course I know what ‘all that’ means," replies Sam with a wide smile on his face.
Daniel continues. "So as soon as I had checked into my hotel, I took out the card I found in my airport taxi. It was from a girl called, “SEXYLEGS” and believe me, Sam, the photo on the card was of a long legged beauty with great curves and a gorgeous smile kneeling on a bed. You know the kind, don’t you, Sam?"
"I sure do," replies Sam.
"So I'm in my room and I call her," continues Daniel. "‘Hello,’ the lady says to me, and Oy vay, did she sound sexy! I couldn’t wait to meet her so I said, ‘Hello, I understand that you give a wonderful massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. But I also want more. Let me be honest with you - I've just arrived from London and I’m feeling horny. What I need badly is some sex. And I want it for the whole night. You name it, we'll do it, so bring all of your lotions, potions and toys with you and well have an all-night session to remember. You can even cover me with strawberries and cream. How does that grab you, darling?’"
"Wow," says Sam, "so what did she say to that?"
"She said, ‘That sounds pretty fantastic to me, but for an outside line you need to dial 9 first.’"
(#1687) The complainer
Morris and Isaac are constant companions. Morris is calm and laid back and never complains, whereas Isaac is a nervous person and is always complaining about something or another.
One day Isaac says, "How do you manage to get along so well with everyone you meet, Morris? I’d love to know."
"Oh, that’s easy," replies Morris, "I just never disagree with anyone."
"Morris," says Isaac angrily, "I think you’re a liar!"
"Don’t I know it," says Morris with a smile.
(#1688) Serious negotiation
In 1946, after many years of endeavour, Norman, Hymie and Maxwell Goldberg finally invent the first air-conditioning unit that can be fitted inside a car. So thrilled and confident are these three brothers that they decide to sell it to the largest car manufacturer in the world – Ford
They install their only working unit in one of their cars and choosing a hot day, drive to Ford’s Head Office in Detroit. On arrival, they ask to see Henry Ford himself, but as they don’t have an appointment, they have to use all their charm to persuade his secretary to help them. Within minutes, she’s telling Mr Ford that sitting in her office are three well dressed gentlemen with a most exciting invention that will help sell more Ford cars.
Henry Ford immediately asks them to join him in his office. But they refuse, asking him instead to go with them to the car park to see their invention. He agrees and when they reach the Goldberg’s car, all four get in. As it’s now very hot outside, the Goldbergs turn on their air-conditioning unit. Almost immediately the car begins to cool down. Henry Ford is very excited and asks if they have patented their invention – which they are pleased to confirm. So he invites them back to his office for some discussion.
One hour later, the Goldbergs are offered $3million for their invention. But they refuse. They not only want $5million but they also desire recognition by having a label on every one of their units saying, ‘A Goldberg Air-Conditioning unit.’
But Henry Ford says that there is no way he is going to put the name ‘Goldberg’ on millions of his Ford cars (everyone in America knows that he is more than a little bit anti-Semitic.) So they go back to haggling and eventually reach an agreement for the product. The offer now is $4.5million plus the display in each car of just the first names of the three brothers.
And so today all Ford air-conditioning units show their names on the air-conditioning controls as "Norm" "Hi" "Max".
(#1689) What I want in a wife
Lionel tells his friend Sidney that he’s at last looking for a wife.
"So what kind of wife are you looking for?" asks Sidney.
"Well," replies Lionel, "she needs to be ultra beautiful, she needs to be very kind to me, and she needs to have lots of money."
"But you can’t marry three women at the same time," says Sidney.
(#1690) It will be a mitzvah!
One day, as Judith is reaching inside her fridge for something for dinner, she notices a plastic-wrapped chicken right at the back, on the bottom shelf. She removes it from the fridge and she’s not happy with what she sees. This is a chicken she bought many weeks ago and has forgotten about. It’s looking very ragged and unappetising - even a bit smelly. But just as she's about to throw it in the bin, her husband Harry stops her.
"Don’t do that," says Harry. "Our neighbour Bernie has been out of work for months and he and his family probably haven’t had a roast chicken meal for ages. I think you should give him the chicken."
"But it's no good, it’s probably gone off," says Judith.
"It doesn't matter," says Harry, "just do it. It will be a mitzvah!"
So Judith gives the chicken to her next door neighbour. But then, two days later, they learn that Bernie is terribly sick and has been taken to the local hospital.
"We must go to the hospital right away," says Harry, "and pay Bernie a visit – it will be a mitzvah!"
The day following their visit, they learn that Bernie has died.
"Oy gevalt," cries Judith, "what on earth shall we do, Harry?"
"What shall we do?" Harry replies, "We shall go to Bernie’s levoyah, that’s what. It will be a mitzvah!"
Two days after attending Bernie’s levoyah, Harry says, "Judith, we've got to pay a visit to Bernie’s family while they’re sitting shivah. It will be a mitzvah!"
So Judith and Bernie go next door to join the family in prayers for the loss of their husband and father. By the time they return home, Judith is crying. "Harry," she sobs, "don’t you think it was wrong of us to give Bernie that old chicken?"
"You must be joking, Judith," replies Harry. "From that one old chicken, we got ourselves four mitzvahs!"
shivah: 7 day period of mourning
mitzvah: good deed
Q: What’s the best thing a man can do to impress a Jewish Princess?
A: Do pull-ups. By that I mean pull up in a Lexus … pull up in a Mercedes … pull up in a Bentley Convertible.
(#1692) The Beatles secret Jewish Album
[The source of this is not known]
(#1694) Marriage proposals
Sarah is talking to her friend Estelle. "I just don’t know what’s the matter with you, Estelle. You’re nearly 30 years old and you’re still not married. Don’t you want a husband?"
"Of course I do," replies Estelle.
"Then I don’t understand. You’ve got great looks and a neat figure, so why haven’t you had any proposals?"
"But you’re wrong there," replies Estelle, "I've been asked to get married dozens of times."
"Really?" says Sarah. "By whom, may I ask?"
"By my parents, who else," replies Estelle.
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