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go to eightyfirst set of Jewish jokes
This is the eightieth set of Jewish jokes
(#1650) What chutzpah
[My thanks to BMS and Allan D for the following]
Bill Gates decides to organize an enormous session of recruitment for a chairman for Microsoft Europe. The 5,000 candidates are all assembled in a large room. One of the candidates is Maurice Cohen, a little Parisian Jewish Tunisian. Bill Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks that all those who do not know the programming language JAVA PLUS to rise and leave. 2,000 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I donít know this language, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try."
Bill Gates then asks all remaining candidates who have never had experience of team management of more than 100 people to rise and leave. 2,000 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "Oy, I never managed anyvun but myself, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?" So he stays.
Bill Gates then asks all remaining candidates who donít have degrees in People Management to rise and leave. 500 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "Oy Vay, I left school at 15 so I never vent to university, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay?" So he stays in the room.
Bill Gates finally asks all the remaining candidates who donít speak Serbo-Croat to rise and leave. 498 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "Oy Vay Zmir, I donít speak Serbo-Croat, but vat the hell! Haff I got anything to lose?" So he stays in the room and finds himself alone with one other candidate - everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joins them and says, "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I'd now like to hear you both have a little conversation in that language." Calmly, Maurice Cohen turns to the other candidate and says to him, "Ma nishtana halaila hazeh mikol halelot."
The other candidate answers, "Shebechol halelot anu ochlin hamatz umatza."
chutzpah: impudence, unmitigated
Ma nishtana halaila hazeh mikol halelot shebechol halelot anu ochlin hamatz umatza: Jewish Passover prayer
(#1651) The barmitzvah invitation
[My thanks to Allan D for the following]
It is with great stress (emotional and physical) and unbelievable financial hardship beyond your comprehension, that Rebecca and I cordially invite you to join us in kvelling over our wonderful son, Jonathan Sam, as he is called up to read the maftir and haftorah on his barmitzvah day.
Jonathan Samís special service takes place on Shabbes, May 19 at the Hendon United Synagogue. We realize this service might take place on FA Cup final day, but you can always tape it Ė the match that is, not the service.
The service commences at the ungodly (please excuse the language) hour of 9 oíclock in the morning and we would like you to be there at this time, even though you don't really need to be there until 10.30am, when the real action starts.
The service lasts for three hours and we hope you will be able to survive our rabbiís speech and our chazanís voice. If you do, you can skip the kiddush (which is usually only biscuits and grape juice) which will take place in the Ladies Guild room. This is just for those not invited to our main affair which takes place later on that evening.
So please join us at 7pm for an over-the-top, shmaltzy, ostentatious semi-kosher evening meal at the MCC (Mishegass Country Club). Rebecca wants me to mention that we had to join the MCC just to book their hall and, oy vay, you wouldnít believe how much they charged us.
Weíve booked lots of expensive and noisy entertainment, including Minkyís Kosher Jammers Orchestra (with 6 singers) and Moshe the Jester.
Apart from Jonathan Samís friends, the guests will include 50 unruly teenagers, no doubt wearing expensive outfits and fake bling, and 70 middle-aged adults with lots of botox and real bling. At least a quarter of the guests will be hormonally and/or chronologically challenged, while others will act stupid while under the influence of the Palwin table wine weíve ordered. And no doubt many will complain about the food (we would hope that you wonít be one of them.)
Please have the courtesy to complete the enclosed RSVP card in the next few days. I donít want to receive it at the last minute - I just can't take any more stress. Also note that if you indicate on the card that you will be attending, I will have no choice but to invoice you £100 per person if you subsequently donít show up for any reason.
In terms of what present to give Jonathan Sam, may we suggest it should be: flat; made of paper; with a signature and account number on it; and presented inside a small white envelope. Any other types of gift are a waste of your time and ours.
We hope you can make it.
PS Please bring your own kippot as I don't have any money left to buy these.
(#1652) A mournerís lament
As Leah is visiting her late fatherís grave in Bushey Cemetery, she passes close by a woman who is sobbing and wailing at another grave. Leah can easily hear that the woman is saying, "Oh why, oh why did you die? Why did you have to die?" This question is repeated many times.
After paying her respects to her father, Leah is leaving the cemetery when she again passes the sobbing woman. She is still wailing, "Why, oh why did you have to die?"
Leah feels pity for this woman and walks over to try to comfort her. "Pardon me, I hope you donít mind me coming over, but I heard your cries of pain and anguish. I assume the deceased was a relative of yours?"
"No sheís not," says the other woman, "in fact I never met her before."
"Then why are you so sad?" asks Leah. "Who was she? Who is buried at this grave?"
"My husbandís first wife," replies the woman.
(#1653) The trouble with phobias
Simon has a problem. In fact heís had a problem for so long that itís beginning to worry him to death. Finally, he decides he has to do something about it and goes to see Dr Bloom, his local psychiatrist.
"Oy, doctor, have I got a problem," says Simon. "Every night, when I get into my bed, I think there's a crazy person under it ready to do me some serious harm. I'm going meshugga with fear. Please help me."
"Donít worry, Simon," says Dr Bloom, "I can cure you of your fears, but it will not happen overnight."
"So how long will it take, doctor?" asks Simon.
"Well," replies Dr Bloom, thinking, "come to me twice a week for 3 months and Iíll rid you of your phobia."
"And how much do you charge a session, doctor?" asks Simon.
ďMy charges are £100 per session," replies Dr Bloom.
"But that will cost me £2,600 in total," says Simon. "Iím going to have to think about it and let you know. I canít easily afford that kind of money."
Many months later, Simon meets Dr Bloom in Waitrose supermarket. "So why didn't you decide to let me cure you of your fears?" asks Dr Bloom.
"Well," replies Simon, "As I told you then, your fees were really too high for me. And then my rabbi gave me the cure for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went on a weekís holiday to Tel Aviv."
"So how, may I ask, did your rabbi cure you?" asks Dr Bloom.
"Easy," replies Simon, "he told me to cut the legs off my bed. Itís now so low that nobody can possible get under it."
(#1654) My son the businessman
Freda and her friend Ruth were having a chat about their sons. "So Ruth," asks Freda, "I hear that your Paul has just been made a director of Shmultz PLC. Is he a good businessman, then?"
"Is he a good businessman?" replies Ruth. "Oy! Heís a brilliant businessman, Freda. In fact mine Paul is so dedicated to his company that every night he takes his secretary to bed with him - just in case he comes up with a brilliant idea."
(#1655) The sea rescue
Jacob is pulled from the sea at Birchington by a lifeguard. When his wife Judith sees all the commotion, and then realises that itís her Jacob who is lying flat out on the sands, she goes running over, sobbing all the way. When she gets to him, she shouts, "Oy Vay, Jacob, Jacob, vats happened to you?"
The lifeguard tells her to calm down. "Lady," he says, "please don't get too hysterical - Iím looking after your husband. I'm now going to give him some artificial respiration and Iím sure he'll then be fine."
"Vat do you mean artificial respiration?" Judith says to the lifeguard, "Mine Jacob gets either real respiration or he gets notting at all."
(#1656) So youíve found your true love
and decide to marry her - 1
It is customary for the groom to buy his bride a diamond engagement ring. In traditional circles, this kind of custom is called yehareg ve-al ya'avor, i.e. highly recommended. Our sages have also established a formula to determine how much one should spend on the ring. It is: -
(#1659) How clever is that?
Morris is in court as one of the witnesses to a burglary. Because heís an elderly person, theyíre treating him gently. "So you say you saw my client commit this burglary?" the defence lawyer asks Morris.
"Yes," replies Morris, "I saw him take the goods as clear as can be."
"But Morris," says the defence lawyer, "this burglary took place at night. Are you really sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes," says Morris, "I definitely saw him do it."
"Listen Morris," continues the defence lawyer, "youíre 80 years old and your eyes are probably not as good as they once were. Just how far can you see at night?"
"I can see the moon, how far is that?" replies Morris.
(#1660) How to get out of it
Miriam meets her friend Leah in Brent Cross shopping centre and says, "So whatís wrong with your hair, Leah? It looks just like a wig."
"You know something, Miriam," replies Leah, "it is a wig."
"Well what do you know," says Miriam, "you would never notice it."
(#1661) A Shtuken Nisht in Harts
[Excerpt from Jackie Mason's How To Talk Jewish]
Pronounced, ah SHTU-ken nisht in HEARTS.
It means "a stab in the heart" and it hurts like hell. It is anything that is a painful experience, a shocking, miserable memory. It happens every time a Jew passes a building that he could have bought twelve years ago for $1 million and learns that it's now worth $60 million. He just took a $59 million loss. That's a shtuken nisht in harts.
A guy just got a divorce, and goes to the bank to take out some money and finds his wife has been there first.
Or you took a girl to Atlantic City and when you open the door of your hotel room you find somebody else in bed with her.
Or you send your son to college to become a doctor and he comes home and tells you he wants to be a hairdresser.
(#1662) The big diamond
Max and Hyman are having a chat about what it would be like to own the richest things money can buy. "So what about owning the biggest diamond in the world?Ē says Max. "Now thatís something I wouldnít mind having in my display case. Real cool."
"Yes, I agree," says Hyman. "By the way, Max, whatís the name of this worldís biggest diamond?"
"Koh-i-noor." replies Max.
"I might have guessed it would be a Jewish diamond," says Hyman.
(#1663) The great listener
Hannah is talking to her husband Howard. As usual, sheís telling him all the latest gossip sheís heard about their family and about their friends and about their neighbours. And as usual, she goes on and on and on, non stop. Suddenly, Howard canít take any more of this and shouts out, "Enough already Hannah. Youíre killing me with all this gossip. I can clearly see what will be on my headstone when Iím buried."
"So what do you see?" asks Hannah.
"Howard replies, "HERE LIES HOWARD LEVY, A GREAT LISTENER WHO WAS YENTAíD TO DEATH."
(#1664) First day of school
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
A new year is starting at the Jewish Grammar School and on the first day of the new term, many of the children bring presents for their teachers.
Morris, whose mother owns the local Florist, brings in a lovely bouquet of flowers for Miss Shapiro his teacher. When Miss Shapiro receives them, she says to Morris, "Oh these flowers are lovely, Morris. Iím going to put them in my lounge as soon as I get home and Iím going to look at them and smell them all night."
Emma, whose father owns the local Newsagent, brings in a giant box of Belgium chocolates for Miss Gold her teacher. When Miss Gold receives it, she says to Emma, "Oh Emma, thatís so nice of you. Iím going to open the box as soon as I get home and make a pig of myself Ė I just love chocolates."
Bernie, whose father owns the local Kosher Wine shop, brings in a big, heavy box for Mr Levy his teacher. When Mr Levy receives it, he says to Bernie, "Thank you Bernie for my present. Iíve no idea whatís inside it and I canít wait to get home to find out."
But then Mr Levy notices that the box is leaking a bit. So he touches a drop of the leaking liquid with his index finger, tastes it, then says, "I bet youíve bought me some bottles of wine Bernie?"
"No, itís not wine," says Bernie.
So Mr Levy tastes another drop and says, "Is it champagne then, Bernie?"
"No, itís not champagne either," says Bernie. "It's a puppy."
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