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This is the seventh set of jokes
(#194) The dinner date
Shlomo and Yetta were getting ready to go out to dinner.
Yetta comes out of the bedroom and says to Shlomo, “Darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or shall I put on the Gucci outfit?”
“What do I care?” Shlomo replies.
Yetta then asks, “Darling, shall I wear my Rolex or my Cartier watch?”
“Who gives a damn?” says Shlomo.
Yetta then says to Shlomo “Darling, shall I wear my 5 carat pear or my 6 carat round diamond?”
To which Shlomo responds “Hey, if you don’t get your act together, and soon, we are going to miss the Early Bird Special!”
(#195) The convert
Abe and Shlomo are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic Church. They see a big sign posted that says: - ‘CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET £20.’
Abe stops walking and stares at the sign.
Shlomo turns to him and says, “Abe, what’s going on?”
“Shlomo,” replies Abe, “I’m thinking of doing it.”
Shlomo says, “What, are you crazy?”
Abe thinks for a minute and says, “Shlomo, I’m going to do it.”
With that, Abe strides purposely into the church and comes out 20 minutes later with his head bowed.
“So,” asks Shlomo, “did you get your £20?”
Abe looks up at him and says, “Is that all you people think of?”
(#196) The tourist
A Swiss tourist in Tel Aviv is looking for directions and pulls up at a bus stop where two Israelis are waiting.
”Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says.
The two Israelis just stare at him.
“Excusey-moi, parlez vous Francais?”
The two continue to stare.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”
The Swiss tourist drives off, extremely disgusted and frustrated. The first Israeli turns to his friend and says, “You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…”
“Why?” says his friend, “that bloke knew four languages and that didn’t do him any good!”
(#197) Differences between Jewish Men
• Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
• Women have a number of faults. Men have only two - everything they say and everything they do.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.
• A man is a person who will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman, however, will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.
• Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
• It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can pretend to be foolish whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.
• Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance.
• To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, a man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
• Men marry because they are tired; women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man will always cherish the memory of the woman who he didn't.
• There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
• Only two things are necessary for a man to do to keep his wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
• Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes – it’s no use two people remembering the same thing.
• Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
• Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.
• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• Men are like animals, but they make great pets.
Most men fantasize in having a relationship with many beautiful women at the same time. For a man, commitment to a woman means giving up his fantasy.
Most women fantasize in having a relationship with one man who can provide economic security. For a woman, commitment to a man means achieving her fantasy.
Conclusion: commitment means that a woman achieves her fantasy, while a man gives his up.
(#199) The Saucer
Roberto is an art connoisseur and one day notices a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer in front of a delicatessen in Tel Aviv. He quickly realises with a shock that the saucer was a very rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into the store and offered £2 for the cat.
"It's not for sale," said Abe, the proprietor.
"Look," said Roberto, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to £10."
"It's a deal," said Abe, and pocketed the money.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said Roberto. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."
"Nothing doing," said Abe firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I've sold 34 cats."
Shlomo, driving a Yugo in Tel Aviv, pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce, rolls down his window, and smiles at the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. Have you got a phone in it? I've got one in my Yugo!"
David, the driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."
"Cool!" continues Shlomo. "Have you got a fridge in there, too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
David, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
Shlomo goes on, "That's great! Listen, have you got a TV in there? I got a one right next to me."
David, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
"Say," persists Shlomo, "Have you got a bed in your car? I got one in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he hadn’t, David immediately drove off straight to his dealer and demanded that a bed be installed in the back of the car. The next morning David picked up his car, with a superb bed in it, a bed fit for a Rolls Royce...
David immediately went searching for the Yugo, and only late in the afternoon he found it parked, with all its windows fogged up from the inside.
He knocked on the Yugo, and finally Shlomo stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," David stated arrogantly.
"Jesus!" complained Shlomo, "You got me out of the shower to tell me this?"
(#201) Name change
Abe was one of the best talent spotters in the USA. One day, a young fellow walks into Abe’s office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so Abe says "Okay kid, show me what you do." The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe shuffle, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act and is good enough to impress Abe.
"Great kid! Just great!," says Abe. "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian."
"'S’cuse me?," questions Abe.
"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man.
"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."
Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.
A few months later he returns to Abe. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again" says Abe, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?"
With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it".
"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"
"Dick Van Dyke."
(#202) Jewish Doctors
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records from Israeli hospitals...
• Between you and me, we ought to be able
to get this lady pregnant.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
• Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
• I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
• The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex, which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his aeroplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
(#203) The Lucky Frog
Abe lives in Tel Aviv. One day, he takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. Abe thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron". Abe looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." And then Abe realises that the frog is doing the talking.
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the hole. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." Abe decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think, frog?" Abe asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." Abe takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. Abe is befuddled and doesn't know what to say ..
By the end of the day, Abe has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and Abe says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, Abe asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, Abe figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. Abe takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." Abe figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
(#204) Men's Guide to Women
* Single women complain that all good men are married,
* All married women complain about their lousy husbands.
Conclusion: There is no such thing as a good man.
(#205) THE JEWISH RULES
• The female always makes the rules.
• The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
• No male can possibly know all the rules.
• If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.
• The female is never wrong.
• If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
• If the above applies, the male must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
• An apology without flowers is not an apology.
• The female may change her mind at any time.
• The male must never change his mind at any time without the expressed consent of the female.
• The male may not point out that the woman has changed her mind.
• The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
• The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
• The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
• The female is ready when she is ready.
• The male must be ready at all times.
• If the female is PMS, all rules are null & void.
• The male may not inquire if the woman is angry or upset.
• The male may not inquire when the women will be ready.
• The male may not inquire about the women's time of the month.
• The male is expected to mind-read at all times.
• The male must earn the respect of the female by giving his life up in service to her needs and nurturing of her character.
(#206) The drinker
Ben Cohen had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So Ben stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. Ben figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside, Ben stood up but fell flat on his face again. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door, Ben stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed Ben tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife, Yente, standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" Ben asked, putting on an innocent look.
Yente replied "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
(#207) New Career
Moishe came home from work one day to find his wife, Yvonne, sitting on the front door step with her bags packed. Moishe asked her where she was going, and Yvonne replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
Moishe questioned her as to why she was going, and Yvonne told him "I just found out that I can make £1,000 a night doing what I give you for free." Moishe pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the front door and his wife.
Yvonne said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
Moishe replied, "I'm going, too."
"Why?" She asked.
Moishe said, "I want to see how you are going to live on £1,000 a year."
(#208) The school play
Yossi comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" Yossi says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"
Q: Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass?
A: Because it's probably the last time he'll put his foot down.
Q: What do you call a Jewish man who's
lost 80% of his brain?
A: A widower!
(#210) The Jewish husband
Moishe is talking to one of his friends.
“My wife Bettie will never have to work. All she needs to do is cook, clean, scrub, wash, iron and sew.”
His friend said “That’s nice to hear, I am sure she appreciates you”.
“Well, I am not so sure,” replies Moishe. “Bettie thinks I’m too nosy. Well, that’s what she wrote in her diary, anyway.”
(#211) Jewish Marriage advice
“Don’t marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too, but who cares?”
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