(#1620) Nothing ever changes
[My thanks to Hillary A for the following]
Daniel arrives home from work at 5pm and as soon as he steps through his front door, his wife Judith starts having a go at him. “Why don’t you ever wipe your feet before walking into the house? ….. I thought you said you were coming home at lunch time today …… Where’s the shopping I asked you to get on the way home? ….. You left the toilet seat up again this morning. ….  Don’t you ever think of buying me shabbes flowers, like you used to do? …."
This incessant criticism, nagging and complaining goes on for nearly 2 hours - nothing Daniel says or does seems to be right by her. By 7pm, Daniel has had enough. But he knows better than to have a go at Judith so he tries a more tactical approach.
"Darling," he says, "Please - let’s start again. I’ll go back outside and shut the door. Then I’ll open the door and come in. We can then pretend I’ve just come home. What do you think?"
"OK," she replies.
So Daniel puts on his coat, goes outside, shuts the door, waits a minute, opens the door, and steps in with a smile on his face. He immediately announces, in a musical tone, "Oh darling, I’m home.”
"And just where have you been?" says Judith, "It's past seven o'clock!"

(#1621) I’ve already thought of it
[My thanks to Syd for the following]
Lawrence and Monty are in the jewellery business but they are not doing at all well. So much so that one day, Lawrence says, "we’re going into a new gesheft and we’re going to make a fortune."
"What new gesheft?" asks Monty.
"We’re going into washing powders," replies Lawrence.
"Washing powders?" says Monty, looking very puzzled, "what do we know from washing powders?"
"Listen, you shmuck," says Lawrence, "it’s easy. We buy crates and crates of the powder from a wholesaler for next to gornisht and put it into little cardboard boxes. Then we sell the boxes for £1.99 each and soon we’ll be rich."
"No, you listen to me, potts," says Monty. "We’ll need to advertise the boxes and that will cost us a fortune."
"OK, so let’s advertise. What’s the problem? I’ve already though of it. We can even advertise on TV," says Lawrence.
"Meshuggeneh," says Monty, "We’ll also need to hire a well known publicity agent and he’ll cost us a lot of gelt to come up with a suitable product name."
"But I’ve already thought of a good name," says Lawrence.
"OK clever clogs," says Monty, "what name do you have?"
"We’ll call it FEKS WASHING POWDER," replies Lawrence.
"What rubbish," says Monty, "how can anyone come up with a slogan for a product with the name of FEKS WASHING POWDER?"
"But I’ve already thought of a slogan," says Lawrence.
"OK wise guy," says Monty, "let’s hear your slogan."
"Right," says Lawrence. "IF OMO DOESN’T WASH YOUR WHITES WHITER, AND PERSIL DOESN’T MAKE YOUR COLOURS BRIGHTER, THEN FEK IT."

gesheft – business

(#1622) A cry for help
Abe is travelling on a bus to Golders Green. It’s a hot day and everyone on board is quiet and subdued. Suddenly, Abe hears what seems to him to be a cry for help from the back of the bus. He looks to find out who is making the noise and sees that it’s an elderly bubbeh.
"Oy, am I thirsty," she cries out, "Oy, am I thirsty."
This is repeated over and over again every few minutes. "Oy, am I thirsty. Oy, am I thirsty," and each time, there is more and more pain to the bubbeh’s voice.
This quickly begins to get on Abe’s nerves, so he gets the bus driver to stop at the next corner and he goes to get the kvetcher a drink already. When he returns, he goes straight to the bubbeh with a bottle of mineral water and says, "Here grandma, drink up. And then be quiet, will you?"
The bubbeh drinks the water, Abe goes back to his seat and the bus continues on its journey. Some passengers begin to nod off again, others start reading their newspapers and the rest are just relieved that the old bubbeh is quiet.
All of a sudden they hear from the back of the bus, "Oy, vas I thirsty… Oy, vas I thirsty."

(#1623) Best Airline
[My thanks to Peter W for the following]
Q: What’s the best airline to fly if you want a divorce?
A: Easyget

(#1624) Sheer love
[My thanks to Allan D for the following]
Monty is in John Lewis department store to buy his wife Leah a 70th birthday present. He looks around the Lingerie department and decides to buy some sheer lingerie for her. So he goes over to a salesgirl to explain what he wants. She shows him many different types ranging in price from £35 to £280. The most sheer item is, of course, the most expensive, but as nothing is too good for his Leah, he chooses the £280 item. He pays for it and the salesgirl gift wraps it nicely for him.
When he gets home, Monty kisses Leah and says, "Happy birthday, darling, this is for you."
Leah opens the package, smiles and says, "Thanks for such a nice surprise."
"I’m glad you like it," says Monty, "why don’t you put it on now and model it for me?"
"OK," she says and goes upstairs with her present. But as soon as she sees the receipt, which Monty had forgotten to remove from the bag, she says to herself, "It’s really such a waste of money. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't need to put it on - Monty won’t notice if I do the modelling naked. Then I can return it tomorrow and keep the £280 refund for better things."
Soon, Leah comes downstairs, naked, and starts to do some poses for Monty. Monty looks carefully at Leah and says, "Oy vay! For £280, you’d have thought they would have ironed it for me."
PS   Monty never saw the frying pan as it hit him behind his head. The levoyah is on Thursday.

levoyah: funeral

(#1625) I might be six minutes late
Cyril gets a new job at Rothschilds Bank and immediately gets on well with his fellow investment bankers. So much so that a group of them who meet for a round of golf every Sunday ask Cyril whether he’d like to join them this Sunday at 10am.
"I’d love to," replies Cyril, "thanks for asking. But I might be 6 minutes late."
"No problem," they reply.
Cyril turns up on Sunday exactly at 10am, golfs right-handed and posts the lowest score. They congratulate him and invite him to join them again next Sunday.
"I’ll be there," Cyril says, "but I might be 6 minutes late."
The following Sunday, Cyril turns up exactly at 10am, golfs left-handed and posts the lowest score. They again congratulate him.
This continues for a number of Sundays, with Cyril always saying that he might be 6 minutes late, and always posting the lowest score, whether he golfs left or right handed.
One Sunday, in the bar after their round of golf, his colleagues ask, "Cyril, we hope you don’t mind us asking, but every Sunday you tell us that you might be 6 minutes late, but you never are. And then, whether you play left or right-handed, you still post the lowest score. What’s it all about?"
"It’s no great deal," replies Cyril, "I’m very superstitious. Every Sunday, when I awake, I look over at my beautiful wife Freda. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed and if she’s sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed."
"But what if your Freda is sleeping on her back?" they ask.
Cyril replies, "Then I’m going to be 6 minutes late."

(#1626) Riddle
Q: Among pensioners, what is considered ‘formal attire’?
A: Tied shoes.

(#1627) The medical practice sign
Dr. Minky, a psychiatrist and Dr. Lau, a proctologist, open a medical practice in Hendon. But they have great difficulty in getting the local council to agree to the wording on the sign they want to put up outside their office. These are the signs they try, but which are not accepted by the council.
"Hysterias and Posteriors"
"Schizoids and Haemorrhoids"
"Catatonics and High Colonics"
"Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"
"Minds and Behinds"
"Lost Souls and Butt Holes"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally come up with a sign which the council approves. It reads, "Dr. Minky and Dr. Lau, Odds and Ends."

(#1628) What saychel!  And in someone so young! – story 1
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
One morning, young Benjy is watching, fascinated, as his mother smoothes some Nivea cream on her face. "Why are you doing that, mummy?" he asks.
"To make myself beautiful, that’s why," replies his mother, who then begins removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter mummy?" asks Benjy, "are you giving up?"

(#1629) What saychel!  And in someone so young! – story 2
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Later that morning, young Benjy goes to school. Today, there’s a new teacher arriving. When class begins, the new teacher decides to make use of her degree in psychology. So she starts her class by saying, "Will everyone who thinks they're stupid, please stand up!"
After thirty seconds, Benjy gets to his feet. The teacher looks at him and says, "So you think you're stupid, do you?"
"No teacher," replies Benjy, "I didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself!"

(#1630) What saychel!  And in someone so young! – story 3
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
In the afternoon, Benjy’s class is taken on a school trip to visit their local police station. When they arrive, young Benjy sees a photo of a man pinned on a notice board. "Why have you put this man’s photo on the board?" Benjy asks one of the policemen.
"Because he’s a criminal and we’re trying to find him," replies the policeman.
"So why didn't you grab hold of him when you took his picture?" asks Benjy.

(#1631) Dead or alive
Ever since the Jewish Chronicle printed his obituary in error, Hymie just can’t get it out of his mind that he really is dead. His delusion becomes such a problem that his sons finally pay for a psychiatrist to visit him to sort him out.
The psychiatrist spends many laborious sessions trying to convince Hymie that he is, indeed, still alive, but nothing seems to work.
Finally the psychiatrist tries one last time. He takes some medical books with him to help him prove to Hymie that dead men can’t bleed. After an hour of argument and book reading, it seems that he has finally succeeded.
"So, Hymie," says the psychiatrist, "do you now agree with the medical establishment that dead men don't bleed?"
"Yes," replies Hymie.
"Very well then," says the psychiatrist as he pricks Hymie's finger with a pin causing it to bleed a little, "look at this. What does that blood tell you, Hymie?"
"Oy vay," says Hymie, as he stares incredulously at his finger, "it means that dead men really do bleed."

(#1632) Riddle
Q: What's does a pensioner moan about most?
A: That he hasn’t enough time to get everything done.

(#1633)  What a lovely sunny day
[My thanks to Shlomo for the following]
One morning, as soon as Isaac and Fay wake up, Isaac opens the curtains and says, “Oh my, what a lovely sunny day it is today.”
The following day, as they are sitting on their terrace having tea and biscuits, Isaac looks up at the sky and says, “What a beautiful sunny day it is today, dear.”
The next day, as they’re driving to Brent Cross shopping centre, Isaac looks out the window and remarks, "Isn’t it a lovely sunny day today?"
By now, Fay is getting a bit farmisht by Isaac’s regular rantings about the weather. So she says to him, "What’s with you? Are you going meshugga? What’s with all the talk about sunny days?”
“It’s because," replies Isaac, "you told me once that one sunny day you’re going to leave me and you’re never coming back.”

farmisht: all mixed up, confused
meshugga; mad,crazy

(#1634) Here are some new Reality TV shows to look out for

• The Minyanaire: Three nice, homely-looking young men go to an Orthodox singles event and tell the girls they match up with that they daven every day. Watch one girl’s reaction when she discovers that her man hasn't been inside a shul since his barmitzvah and spends every morning and afternoon at McDonalds.
• The London Sheitel Fashion Show: Jewish women appear on the show wearing their shabbes head-coverings and viewers phone in to vote for the woman wearing the best-looking one.
• The Schmeer Factor: In each episode, contestants compete to see who is the bravest by trying out some new bagel-and-cream-cheese combinations, such as shiitake mushroom bagels with lemon-and-marmite flavoured cream cheese or tortellini bagels with sheep’s-brain-and-quince flavoured cream cheese. This TV programme is filmed around the Golders Green area.
• Meet My Parents (Don’t): In each episode, three Jewish sons take their girlfriends home to meet their parents. But the catch is that one of the girlfriends is a shiksa. Parents try to guess which son is in an interfaith dating situation so they can throw him out of the house and threaten to sit shivah for him.
• Jewish Survivor: The ten participants attend rounds of Jewish fundraising dinners. Each week, one participant is voted off the show for falling asleep during the guest speaker, or complaining about the chicken being dry, or eating three extra desserts, or changing seats so he doesn't have to sit with Mrs Levy, or snapping his fingers at the rabbi, who looks just like one of the waiters, etc. The final "Survivor" wins £100,000 - to be donated, of course, to his or her favourite Jewish charity.

go to seventy-ninth set of Jewish jokes

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