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go to seventy-eighth set of Jewish jokes
This is the seventy-seventh set of Jewish jokes
(#1605) I love that bike
Renee and Lawrence take their 4 year old daughter Talia to the OY VEH TOY STORE in Golders Green. The toy that immediately catches Talia’s eye is a beautiful pink 3 wheeler Barbie bike. She gets on it and rides around the store. One hour later, she’s still on the bike and no matter how much Renee and Lawrence beg her to get off, Talia refuses. The shop floor staff try and even Sidney the store manager tries, but to no avail. Talia won’t get off the bike and begins throwing temper tantrums.
Sidney quickly decides that it can’t hurt to call in Benjy Levy, the famous child psychologist, whose office is only a few minutes walk away. He just might be able to help.
"Is that Benjy Levy?" asks Sidney.
"Yes it is," replies Benjy, "how can I help?"
"I’m from OY VEH TOYS and I was wondering whether you could spare a few minutes to help us with a difficult child," asks Sidney.
"Yes, of course," replies Benjy, "I’m leaving the office now."
Five minutes later, Benjy arrives and immediately goes over to Talia. He smiles, leans over and whispers something in Talia’s ear. Straight away, with no arguing at all, Talia gets off the pink bike and runs over to her parents and within minutes, they have left the store to go home. Sidney and his staff rush over to Benjy to ask what words of wisdom he used to get Talia off the bike.
"Oh, it was nothing special," said Benjy. "I used words than anyone could have used."
"So what were these words?" they all ask at once.
Benjy replies, "I said to her, ‘Now you listen here, tsatskelah, if you don't get off this bike right away, I'm going to give you such a potch on the toches that you won't be able to sit down for a week!’"
tsatskelah: cute little
(#1606) There’s no need to worry
[My thanks to Diane M for the following joke]
As Freda, Hannah, Kitty and Naomi are playing Bridge one evening, Freda suddenly says, "I have a confession to make. We’ve known each other now for many years so I feel I can now tell you my secret. I’m a kleptomaniac."
"Oy!" moan the other three.
"But there’s no need to worry - I’ve never stolen from any of you and I never will. You’re my friends."
At that, Hannah says, "OK, since we’re having a confession session, I’d like to admit that I’m a nymphomaniac."
"Oy oy!" moan the other three.
"But there’s no need to worry - I’ve never tried to get ensnare any of your husbands and I never will. You’re my friends."
"Well then," says Kitty, "I’d like to admit that the reason I never married is that I’m a lesbian."
"Oy veh!" moan the other three.
"But there’s no need to worry - I will never make any overtures to any of you. You’re my friends."
Naomi then stands up and says, "I too have a confession to make. I’m a yenta. And now could you please excuse me - I have a lot of calls to make."
"Gevalt!" moan the other three.
oy oy: exclamation to
denote surprise/ astonishment
oy veh: oh what sadness/misfortune
gevalt: exclamation of fear, terror
(#1607) Too clever by half
Isaac arrives in London from Canada and takes a job working on the shop floor of HYMIE’S SUPERMARKET. One day, a customer asks him where he can find half a head of lettuce and Isaac tells him that they only sell whole heads of lettuce. But the customer is insistent and gets Isaac to consult with Hymie. So Isaac goes into the back room and says to Hymie, "Some idiot wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finishes his sentence, Isaac turns to find the customer standing right behind him, so he quickly adds, "And this gentleman offered to buy the other half."
Hymie approves the deal and the customer leaves satisfied. Later that day, Hymie says to Isaac, "I was very impressed with the way you got yourself out of that tricky situation earlier. We like people who can think on their feet here. Where are you from?"
"I’m from Canada, sir," Isaac replies.
"So why did you leave Canada?" Hymie asks.
"Because too many yentas and hockey players live there," replies Isaac, smiling.
"That’s quite surprising," says Hymie, looking angry. "My wife is from Canada."
Isaac replies, "You don’t say? Who did she play for?"
(#1608) A Jewish curse
May all your teeth fall out - except one, so you can have a toothache.
(#1609) For all you Moshes out there,
an explanation to help you understand ‘woman-speak’
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
FINE: This is the word she uses to end an argument when she feels she is right and you need to shut up. Never use "Fine" to describe how she looks as this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It’s equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This actually means something and you should be on your toes. It’s usually used to describe the feeling she has of wanting to turn you inside out and upside down. It usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine."
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare, one that will result in her getting upset over "Nothing" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means ‘I give up’ or ‘do what you want because I don't care.’ You’ll get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she’ll talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means that she thinks you’re an idiot at that moment and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing there and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH: Again, this is a nonverbal statement, not a word and means that she’s content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe and she’ll stay content.
THAT'S OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements that she can make to you and means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you’ve done. It’s often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD: At some point in the near future, you’re going to be in some serious trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it’s an offer. She is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you’ve done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."
THANKS: She is thanking you. Don’t faint. Just say ‘you're welcome.’
THANKS A LOT: This is very different to "Thanks." She will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she’s really ticked off at you. It signifies that you’ve offended her in some callous way and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing."
(#1610) For all you Sadies out there,
an explanation to help you understand ‘man-speak’
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
IT'S A GUY THING: There’s no rational thought pattern connected with this and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?: What he really wanted to say was, "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"
UH HUH; SURE, HONEY; OR YES, DEAR: This is a conditioned response and means absolutely nothing.
IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN: This is another way of saying, "I have no idea how it works."
I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I’VE THINGS ON MY MIND: What this really means is, "I wasn’t listening to you because I was wondering if that blond over there was wearing a bra."
TAKE A BREAK DARLING, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD: What he really wanted to say was, "I can't hear the football match on the TV. Please turn off the vacuum cleaner."
THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR: This is another way of saying, "Are you still talking?"
YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS: This means, "I remember all the words to 'My Way'; the name of the first girl I kissed; and the registration numbers of every car I've owned - but I forgot your birthday."
I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU SO I GOT YOU THESE FLOWERS: This really means, "The girl selling flowers on the corner was a real beauty, so I bought some from her."
HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING: But what he didn’t add was, "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon.”
WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?: What he really wanted to say was, "What did you catch me at this time?"
I HEARD YOU: What this means is, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and I’m hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.
YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE: This really means, "I’m used to the way you shout at me, and I realise it could be worse."
YOU LOOK TERRIFIC: What he really wanted to say was, "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm absolutely starving."
(#1611) The celebratory Chinese meal
Yitzhak and Hannah decide to eat out to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary and after some deliberation, they choose the KOSHER MOSHE Chinese restaurant. When they arrive, they discuss the menu with the waiter and agree to share the chef's special ‘Chicken Surprise.’ After a short wait, the waiter brings over their meal, which is served inside a lidded cast iron pot, and departs without removing the lid.
Hannah is ready to start eating but before she can reach over to the pot, the lid suddenly rises by 1cm all by itself. Hannah looks closely at the pot and briefly sees two beady little eyes looking at her. Then the lid slams back down again.
Hannah is worried. "Did you see that?" she asks Yitzhak.
"No, darling, I didn’t," replies Yitzhak.
"So look in the pot already," she tells Yitzhak.
As he reaches for the lid, it again rises up by 1cm all by itself. Yitzhak looks closely and sees two beady little eyes looking at him. Then the lid firmly slams back down again.
Hannah starts to panic and shouts at Yitzhak, "Call the manager over, CALL THE MANAGER OVER."
So Yitzhak gets the manager and they tell him what they saw and demand an explanation.
"Well sir, I think I can explain," says the manager. "What did you order?"
"We both chose the same," Yitzhak replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize," says the manager, "the waiter brought you the ‘Peking Duck' by mistake."
(#1612) The lost girl
One Sunday, little Rachel and her bubbeh go to Brent Cross Shopping Centre to buy a present for Rachel. Unfortunately, while shopping, Rachel gets separated from her bubbeh and immediately starts to cry. A security guard sees the sobbing little girl and takes her to the lost-and-found office. When they ask Rachel for her name, she replies, "Shana Punam Kenahorah Poo Poo Poo."
So they again ask her for her name and she replies, "My name is Shana Punam Kenahorah Poo Poo Poo."
So the office puts out the following message over the Tannoy,
"We have in our lost-and-found office a cute brown eyed, blond haired little girl who has lost her grandmother. If you are that grandmother, please come and claim your granddaughter, "Shana Punam Kenahorah Poo Poo Poo."
Five bubbehs immediately come running to claim her.
(#1613) PC trouble
Sarah is having trouble on her PC with her Outlook emails, so she telephones Joshua the computer expert and asks him to come over and sort it out for her. As soon as he arrives, it takes Joshua only a few minutes to solve the problem. He then gives Sarah an invoice for £25, his minimum service charge, and turns to leave. As he’s walking away, she shouts after him, "So nu? What was wrong with it, Joshua?"
"It was an ‘ID ten T’ error," he replies.
Sarah doesn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless asks him, "An ‘ID ten T’ error? What's that...in case I need to fix it again?"
Joshua grins and replies, "Haven't you heard of an ‘ID ten T’ error before?"
"No," she replies.
"So write it down," he says, "and then I think you'll figure it out."
So Sarah writes out ..... I D 1 0 T
PS She used to like Joshua, but doesn’t anymore.
(#1614) Well organised
[My thanks to Cliff L for the following]
Ruth is visiting Brent Cross shopping centre when she meets Esther. It’s the first time they’ve met since leaving school and they quickly get talking. Ruth says, "You were always so well organized in school, Esther, so I’m wondering, are you now living the well planned life you always said you would?"
"Oh yes Ruth, I certainly am," replies Esther. "My first marriage was to a multi-millionaire property developer; my second marriage was to a West End musical star; my third marriage was to Rabbi Levy, and at present I'm married to the chairman of The United Synagogue Burial Society."
"But I don’t understand, Esther," says Ruth. "What on earth do your marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"Well it’s easy really," replies Esther. "It’s …. One for the Money, Two for the Show, Three to get Ready, and Four to Go."
(#1615) Einstein’s late night
[My thanks to Hilary for the following joke]
Einstein the scientist starts getting home later and later in the evenings. Then one day, he comes home at 2.30am. His shirt is torn, there are lipstick stains on his neck, and his wiry hair is even more dishevelled than it usually is. As soon as he steps foot inside his house, his wife jumps out from behind the front door, grabs hold of him, shakes him and shouts, "So why have you once again come home so late?"
"Well," he replies, "as I was leaving work at 5.30pm today, I met some friends and they persuaded me to go with them and have a few quick drinks. We then met some good looking young ladies inside the bar and …. well, to be honest, we all started to drink more than we could handle, as you can probably see. But I managed to sober up just enough to see how late it was. So I called a taxi and …. here I am."
"You’re a liar," she screams at him, "you were in the lab again working on your stupid relativity theory, weren't you?"
(#1616) Please preserve the English
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
"To all the shlemiels, shlemazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, putzes, shlubs, shmoes, shmucks, nogoodniks and mumzers that are lurking out there in the crowd, I just wanted to say that I, for one, get sentimental when I think about English and its place in our society."
"To tell the truth, it makes me so farklempt, I'm fit to plutz. This whole schmeer gets me broyges when I hear these mavens and luftmenschen kvetching about our national language. What chutzpah!"
"These shmegeges can tout their shlock about the cultural and linguistic diversity of our country and of English itself, but I, for one, am not buying their shtick. It's all so much dreck, as far as I'm concerned. I exhort you all to be menshen about this and stand up to their fardrayte arguments and meshugganah, farshtunkene assertions. It wouldn't be shayich to do anything else."
"Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they've got bubkes! The whole myseh is a pain in the tuchas!"
(#1617) Sarah’s cruise diary
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
The taxi has arrived to take me to the Port for the start of my Mediterranean cruise. I'm really excited, even though my Moshe is not able to join me on this trip. I've packed all my Gucci outfits, my breakfast wear, my sports wear, my lounge wear, my evening wear and my seductive negligees. And I only needed 7 suitcases.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and I saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful holiday this has started to be. I met the Captain today - he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
Today I spent some time in the ship’s swimming pool. I also played bridge with some ladies in the piano bar and did some aerobics. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He’s a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
I spent the morning in the ship's casino and won £95. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him, this time in his state room. He somehow knew I was Jewish and so our menu was knaidelach soup followed by hot salt beef, roast potatoes and latkes, plus some new green cucumbers and hot peppers, followed by a lockshen pudding. The champagne he chose was very nice. Afterwards, he asked me to stay the night with him but I declined - I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my Moshe. The Captain seemed upset after all the thought he had put into the meal.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
I went back to the top-side swimming pool today and got a little sunburned so decided to spend the rest of the day in the piano bar. The Captain saw me there and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming man. He again asked me to spend the night with him. But when I again declined, he got angry and told me that if I didn't stay the night with him tomorrow, he would sink the ship. I was obviously horrified and very worried.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
I saved 1,600 lives today – twice!
(#1618) Seven reasons why God Created
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
1. God was worried that Adam, being alone, would regularly get lost in the garden of Eden because he refused to ask for directions
2. God knew right from the start that Adam would eventually need someone to find the remote and then hand it to him
3. God knew that Adam didn’t have any idea how to choose the latest style of fig leaf when his old one wore out. He would therefore need someone to choose one for him
4. God knew that Adam would never be able to make an appointment with a doctor, dentist or hairdresser all by himself
5. God knew that Adam was having difficulty in remembering which days he needed to put the recyclable rubbish in the ‘green’ bin
6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, Adam would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing
7. When God finished creating Adam, he stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
(#1619) Mathematics of a Jewish relationship
Wise man + Wise woman = Romance
Wise man + Dumb woman = Affair
Dumb man + Wise woman = Marriage
Dumb man + Dumb woman = Pregnancy
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