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go to seventy-seventh set of Jewish jokes
This is the seventy-sixth set of Jewish jokes
(#1590) The jokers
[My thanks to Laurence F for this new version of an old joke]
Laurence the explorer hires the best jungle guide there is to take him into the middle of darkest Africa. After months of travel, they arrive at a jungle clearing and there, sitting in a circle, is Big Chief Levy and all his tribe. As Laurence watches, one of the natives calls out, "44" and everyone in the circle, including Chief Levy, all laugh out loud. Then another native calls out, "63" and again they all laugh loudly.
Laurence is surprised by this behaviour and tells his guide to find out more about the ceremony. The guide speaks to the Chief, returns to Laurence and explains that the tribe always enjoys a good joke. Each joke has been given a number and to save time telling the jokes, they just call out its number. Laurence immediately tells his guide to get him invited to join the circle. The guide speaks to the Chief, returns to Laurence and says, "Chief Levy say you can join the circle and tell one joke."
Laurence joins the circle and calls out, "27." But no-one laughs. There isn't even a titter – just complete silence. Even the birds are quiet. So Laurence tells his guide, "Ask Chief Levy why no one laughed at my joke." The guide does as he’s told and when he returns, he says, "They didn't like the way you told joke 27."
Laurence tells his guide to get him one more go. The guide comes back and says, "You lucky. Chief Levy say you can have just one more go."
Laurence calls out, "159"... and instantly, Chief Levy and his whole tribe fall about with raucous laughter for ten minutes. When the laughter finally dies down, Laurence asks his guide to find out what happened this time. The guide speaks to the Chief, returns to Laurence and says, "Chief Levy say, 'Great! We hadn't heard that one before.'"
(#1591) A children’s joke
There are three brothers called David, Henry and Alan. One day, they meet Peter, who has just moved into the house next door to them. Unfortunately, Peter is cross-eyed.
"What’s your name?" Peter asks David.
"Henry," replies Henry.
"I wasn’t talking to you," Peter says to Henry.
"But I didn’t say anything," says Alan.
(#1592) The book competition
Rabbi Josephs has an appointment to see his old friend Rabbi Bloom and Lionel, the shammes, kindly agrees to drive him there. When they arrive, Rabbi Bloom is on the phone and asks them to wait in his study.
As soon as they enter the study, Rabbi Josephs walks over to the well stocked bookcase and begins to look carefully at the many books on display. Suddenly, Rabbi Josephs pulls a book from the shelf, opens it, scans the pages and goes very pale. Still holding the book, he has to sit down for a moment. When the colour comes back to his face, he gets up, kisses the book and puts it back on the shelf. Lionel doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t understand what’s going on.
But then it happens again. Rabbi Josephs takes hold of another book, opens the pages, stares at what he finds and as before, has to sit down in case he faints. A few moments later, he gets up, kisses the book and replaces it. This time, Lionel decides to ask Rabbi Joseph if everything is OK.
"Rabbi," Lionel asks, "what was wrong with that book you just put back?"
"Nothing Lionel, nothing at all," replies Rabbi Joseph, smiling. "Just for a moment there, I thought Rabbi Bloom had another book I didn't have."
Q: Why do pensioners enjoy being called ‘seniors’?
A: Because the term comes with a 10% percent discount.
(#1594) The fishing trip
Jonathan phones home and tells his wife Rachel, "Darling, my boss has just asked me to go fishing with him to the Lake District. We’re leaving this afternoon and several of our top clients are joining us there. This is a fantastic opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been waiting for, so could you please pack my small suitcase for me. Put in enough clothes for a week, including my new blue silk pyjamas and get out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving the office in about 30 minutes and we’ll stop by the house to pick up my things."
Rachel thinks this a bit odd, but nevertheless does what her husband asks. One week later, Jonathan returns home looking quite tired. Rachel welcomes him back and asks him if he caught many fish.
"Yes, darling," Jonathan replies, "lots of salmon and rainbow trout. We ate all we caught. But why didn't you pack my blue silk pyjamas like I asked?"
"But I did," Rachel replies innocently, "they were in your tackle box."
MORAL: Men shouldn’t think they can outsmart women!
(#1595) Confused identity
Cyril buys a new telephone-answering machine with a pre-recorded message in a man’s voice, but he forgets to tell his elderly mother. Soon after the phone is connected, it rings and Cyril decides to test it out by letting the machine answer. After the pre-recorded message, there’s a pause and the caller hangs up without leaving any message. The phone soon rings again, and the same thing happens.
When the phone rings for a third time, Cyril hears, "Cyril, this is your mother, I think. If I am, please call me."
(#1596) The pair of trousers
Jeremy orders a pair of trousers from LEVINE BROS, TAILORS. Frank takes the order and tells Jeremy that they will be ready in a week’s time.
But when Jeremy returns a week later, he’s disappointed to learn that the trousers are not yet ready and that he has to come back in another week’s time.
But when Jeremy returns again the following week, he’s disappointed to learn that the trousers are still not ready and that he has to come back in another week’s time
This goes on for two months until finally, on Jeremy’s ninth visit, the trousers are ready for him. Frank proudly displays them not only to Jeremy but also to everyone in his shop.
"Thanks for the trousers, Mr Levine," says Jeremy, "but I need to ask you a question. How come God was able to create the world in only 6 days, yet it took you 60 days to make just one pair of trousers?"
"Ah, it’s simple," replies Frank. "Just look at the condition of the world and then take a look at this gorgeous pair of trousers I’ve made for you."
(#1597) Family fortunes
Renee is talking to her friend Talya. "So Talya," she says, "you’re telling me that you want to divorce your Mervyn due to incompatibility problems?"
"Yes, you’ve got it in one," Talya replies.
"Why? Aren’t your relations any good?" asks Renee.
"Well," replies Talya, "mine are wonderful, but Melvyn’s …..Oy! what yachnas and krechtzers!"
yachna: a gossip, a busybody,
a meddling, troublemaking female
krechtzer: a complainer, someone who grunts and groans all day
(#1598) Jewish husbands and wives
(#1600) Abe and his wife Freda
Abe believes Freda is a sex object because every time he asks for sex, she objects. But he welcomes the slight impediment in her speech because every now and then she has to stop to breathe.
On the other hand, Freda doesn’t hate Abe enough to give him back his diamonds. She says, "I know money can't buy me happiness and I’m suffering, but at least I’m suffering in comfort."
(#1601) A primer on practical Yiddish
[My thanks to BMS for sending me the following true story]
In the heat of litigation, tempers often flare and lawyers sometimes have difficulty expressing their frustrations. When English fails, Yiddish may come to the rescue. So, it happened that a defence counsel, arguing in a recent summary judgment motion in federal court in Boston wrote, in a responsive pleading:
"It is unfortunate that this Court must wade through the dreck of the plaintiff's original and supplemental statement of undisputed facts."The plaintiff's attorneys, not to be outdone, responded with the following motion that could double as a primer on practical Yiddish for lawyers.
"Plaintiff, by her attorneys, hereby moves this Court pursuant to Rule 12(f) of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure to strike as impertinent and scandalous the characterization of her factual submission as "dreck" on page 11 of Defendant's Rule 56.1 Supplemental Statement of Disputed Facts, a copy of which is attached hereto as Exhibit A.dreck: (vulgar) excrement
As grounds therefore, plaintiff states: For almost four years now, plaintiff and her attorneys have been subjected to the constant kvetching by defendant's counsel, who have made a big tsimmes about the quantity and quality of plaintiff's responses to discovery requests. This has been the source of much tsouris among plaintiff's counsel and a gantzeh megillah for the Court. Now that plaintiff's counsel has, after much time and effort, provided defendants with a specific and comprehensive statement of plaintiff's claims and the factual basis thereof, defendant's counsel have the chutzpah to call it "dreck" and to urge the Court to ignore it.
Plaintiff moves that this language be stricken for several reasons. First, we think it is impertinent to refer to the work of a fellow member of the bar of this Court with the Yiddish term "dreck" as it would be to use "the sibilant four-letter English word for excrement." (Rosten, The Joys of Yiddish, Simon & Schuster, New York, 1968, p. 103).
Second, defendants are in no position to deprecate plaintiff's counsel in view of the chozzerai which they have filed over the course of this litigation. Finally, since not all of plaintiff's lawyers are yeshiva buchers, defendants should not have assumed that they would all be conversant in Yiddish. WHEREFORE, plaintiff prays that the Court puts an end to this mishegass."
(#1602) The English lesson
Harry has reached 60 and for some reason seems to have lost the ability to make love to his wife Kitty. She is not amused and tells him, "So get it sorted out already, Harry."
Harry goes to see Doctor Myers. Two weeks later, after many tests and some lotions, potions and powders, nothing has improved for poor Harry, so Doctor Myers says, "May I suggest that you go see Vivian Agra, someone I met recently at a doctors’ convention. She’s very nice and specialises in erectile problems using ancient Indian treatments.
Harry goes to see Vivian and after a thorough examination, she says, "I can help you." She then takes some blue powder from a glass jar and throws it into a candle flame. There’s a bright flash and Harry is suddenly covered with billowing blue smoke. When the smoke clears, Harry says, "Is that it? I’m cured?"
Vivian replies, "Sort of. Even though it’s a powerful medicine, it’s only given you the chance to make love once a year. To do that, all you have to do is say, '123,' and you’ll be able to ‘stay up’ for as long as you want."
"But," asks Harry, "what happens when it's over and I don't want to continue?" "All you or your wife has to do," replies Vivian, "is say ‘1234’ and it will ‘go down’. But I must warn you - you won’t be able to enjoy another erection for 12 months."
When Harry gets home, he has a wide smile on his face as he tells Kitty, "It’s done. You just wait until tonight, my little sex kitten."
That night he gets ready for the main event. He showers, shaves and smears on his expensive aftershave. As he gets into bed with Kitty, he says, "123." Immediately, he becomes more aroused than ever before, exactly as Vivian predicted. But as he climbs on top of Kitty, she says to him, "What did you say 123 for?"
(And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.)
(#1603) Solving mother’s problems
Miriam is a mother who’s having serious problems with her young son Nathan. She’s in such a state that her doctor recommends she see a psychiatrist as soon as possible. He then writes out a letter for her to give to the psychiatrist.
Later that week, Miriam has her first appointment with the psychiatrist. After he spends an hour talking to her, he says, "You seem to be far too upset and worried about Nathan than you ought to be. So, Miriam, I’m going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers. These are the very latest on the market. Start taking them regularly from today and I’ll see you again in a month’s time."
On her next visit, the psychiatrist asks, "So, Miriam, you look much more relaxed than the last time I saw you. Have the tranquilizers I gave you calmed you down?"
"Yes, doctor, the pills have been marvellous. I feel so carefree," replies Miriam.
"And how is Nathan behaving?" he asks.
"Who cares?" replies Miriam with a ‘shrug’ of her arms.
(#1604) Familiar faces
Lionel and his wife Sharon have just done their weekly shopping at Marks & Spencer food hall and are now queuing to pay. Suddenly, remembering that she needs some money, Sharon leaves Lionel to pay while she goes outside to look for a cash dispenser.
Lionel pays for the food, but as he’s wheeling the trolley outside the store, he sees a gorgeous woman smiling at him. Then, to his surprise, she says to him, "Hello."
He starts to think, ‘She looks a bit familiar but I just can't place where I might know her from.’ So Lionel replies, "Hello. Do I know you?"
"I’m not sure," she replies, "I could be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children."
Lionel is shocked and immediately starts thinking back to the time of his one and only indiscretion. So, blushing heavily, he says to her, "Oy Veh, are you the lady I met some year’s back at my shul’s Chanukah party when my wife was at home in bed with the flu? When you and I had too much Palwin wine to drink? Where we found a nice quiet room in the secretary’s office and made great love, with you scratching my back with your nails in your excitement?"
There is a short pause...
"No, you’ve got the wrong woman," she replies with a smile, "I'm your son's Science teacher!"
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