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go to seventy-sixth set of Jewish jokes
This is the seventy-fifth set of Jewish jokes
(#1575) Farewell message
[My thanks to Sydney for the following]
Boris, a kunyehlemel, is making his way to a shivah house by bus. But he gets confused, gets off at the wrong stop and ends up in a red light district. This doesnít deter Boris, however. Thinking heís in the right road, he finds the house number heís looking for and rings the doorbell. The door opens and there stands a voluptuous woman.
She immediately grabs hold of his arm, schleps him in, takes him upstairs and gives him sex. When the deed is done, Boris leaves the room. Heís half way down the stairs when the woman shouts to him, "Excuse me, mister, havenít you forgotten something?"
Boris thinks for a second, then replies, "Oh yes Ė I wish you long life."
kunyehlemel: a naïve, gullible man
(#1576) Expensive treatment
Issy is not well and goes to see doctor Myers. After examining him, doctor Myers says, "Well, I can help you, but it will require many sessions."
"OK," says Issy, "how much is this going to cost me?"
"The 12 sessions plus drugs will cost you £1,000," replies doctor Myers.
"Oy," says Issy, "Iím not a wealthy man, doctor. Couldnít you make it less?"
"Well Ö I could do it for £850," replies doctor Myers.
"Itís still more than I can afford, doctor," says Issy, "Iíve 3 children and a Jewish wife to support."
"OK," says doctor Myers, "how about £700?"
"Itís still too high, doctor," says Issy. "My business is doing terrible and my wife has told her mother that she can live with us."
"Alright already," says doctor Myers, "Iíll do it for £600 and not a penny less."
"Thanks doctor, I can accept that," says Issy.
"Good," says doctor Myers, "but tell me Ė why did you come to me to seek treatment when you know Iím the most expensive doctor in this area?"
"Well," replies Issy, "youíve got a marvellous reputation and when it comes to my health, money is no object!"
(#1577) Great for bar/bat mitzvah speech?
"And to my dear parents. From the moment I came into this world, youíve Ďwashedí over me - or is it Ďwatchedí over me Ė I forget which. Probably both."
(#1578) Prayers for two
Itís Monday morning and Nathan is in shul praying. "Oh God, please help me. Iím in terrible trouble. My shmatta business is making heavy losses; I owe £100,000 to my main supplier; the Inland Revenue is demanding immediate payment of my last two years of tax; mine Sadie is about to leave me; my Ö"
Just then, Nathan hears the man next to him praying, "Oh God, please help me. Iím really in trouble. My older son is about to marry a shiksa; my younger son is gay, my unmarried daughter is pregnant; my wife wants a sex-change; my Ö.."
Nathan takes out his wallet and removes £100. He then turns to the other congregant and says, "Enough already of your tsouris. Here, take this money and go away. I need God to concentrate solely on me."
(#1579) Guide to good cooking
[My thanks to Shlomo for the following]
Q: Whatís the first sentence youíll find in a Jewish cook book?
A: "Before you start, please take a few deep breaths and CALM DOWN."
(#1580) The chicken inspector
[My thanks to The IrRev. John B for the following]
Freda walks into MINKOFF THE BUTCHER and asks Harry for the freshest chicken he has. So Harry pulls out a chicken for her to inspect. Freda immediately gets to work. She starts by looking it over inside and out. She then sniffs it at both ends and continues to sniff all around it. Finally, she puts her nose inside the body cavity. Then Freda hands the chicken back to Harry and says, "You call this a fresh chicken?"
"Mrs Cohen," replies Harry, "you could pass such an inspection?"
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. I'll lend him my car, the rest is up to him.
(#1582) Jewish blood
Although Sean, a wealthy businessman, is only 40, he needs a heart transplant. But as he has a very rare blood group, he has to wait until his doctors can find a suitable blood donor. Fortunately, Sean doesn't have to wait too long - Benny has the same blood type and is willing to donate some of his blood to help out. After the surgery, Sean shows his appreciation by sending Benny a thank you card and a cheque for £10,000. Benny is very surprised to receive this Ė after all, he didnít agree to donate his blood for any reward. Seanís priest also writes to Benny saying that itís so good to see such co-operation between the faiths.
Ten years later, Sean needs another operation and his doctors immediately contact Benny to see whether he's willing to donate his blood again. Once more, Benny agrees. After the surgery, Sean shows his appreciation by sending Benny a thank you card and £250 worth of Marks & Spencer gift tokens. Benny is once again appreciative as he didnít agree to donate his blood for any reward.
Sean's wife, however, is not at all happy that her husband hasnít rewarded Benny in the same generous manner as before. So she asks him why.
"Bubbeleh," replies Sean, "donít be such a shmo. My new blood has given me some saychel and itís obvious to me why I canít reward Benny as I did before. Our beautiful daughter Jane, kin-a-hora, is getting married next year to a wonderful mensh and because I donít want to be seen as a shnorrer, Iíve got to find a lot of gelt to pay for the simcha."
of endearment (like dear, pet or honey)
kin-a-hora: expression used to ward of evil eye
mensh: man of fine qualities, a good human being
saychel: common sense
shnorrer: cheapskate, professional beggar
simcha: joyous celebration
Q: What do you call someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A: A meshuggeneh
(#1584) Yeshurun (the straight one)
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Dear Rabbi Levy,(#1585) His new ears
Is it permissible to take Viagra on shabbes?
My dear Moshe,
There are 2 differing thoughts on this. One is that itís disallowed because it violates the law that forbids erecting a structure (boneh) on shabbes. However, I believe that one should read "boneh" as "boner" and thus itís permitted to ingest Viagra on shabbes.
Looking at it another way, the taking of Viagra is permitted before sundown as long as the Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than a half hour to complete, the children are asleep and your wife doesn't have a headache.
Kabbalat Shabbat: an early evening service welcoming shabbes
(#1586) A sharp practice
[My thanks to Bernard K for the following]
Joshua has been an active member of the Union of Newspaper Typesetters for over 40 years. Then just before his retirement, he suddenly dies. When his Union hears the sad news, they check first that itís OK for a goy to attend Joshuaís funeral. Then they choose Brother Peter Smith to represent them.
After the funeral, the Unionís General Secretary phones Peter Smith for a report on how the funeral went.
"Well," says Peter, "sometimes I think Jews can be as crazy as the rest of us. When I got there, this little man with a beard came up to me and asked if I was a brother. When I said I was, he took out a penknife and started cutting up my suit."
(#1587) The final request
As Morris nears his 60th birthday, he decides to prepare his will and goes to see Patrick, his solicitor. They spend a couple of hours putting together the details. Just before Morris leaves, he says to Patrick, "I have two final requests to make. Firstly, I want to be cremated and secondly, I want my ashes scattered over Brent Cross shopping centre."
"Why Brent Cross?" asks Patrick.
"Because then I'll be sure my wife will visit me twice a week," replies Morris.
(#1588) The World's Shortest Fairy Story
Once upon a time, Leah asks Bernie, "Will you marry me?"
Bernie says, "No," and Leah lives happily ever after - she goes shopping whenever she wants, drinks martinis, meets her women friends regularly, always has a clean house, has no menís clothes strewn all over the place, never has to cook, never has her blankets pulled off her, stays slim, never has to feign a headache, never has to watch sports on television, and farts whenever she wants. The End
(#1589) STOP PRESS: How to find out
how popular you really are
This is a true story, really.
If you want to find out how popular you are, then why not use this formula, as produced at Londonís Institute of Psychiatry
Your popularity = (32C + 16F +
11H + 14P + 15A)
C = keeping in contact with your friends (value from 1 to 5)
F = facilitating entertainment (value from 1 to 5)
H = your humour (value from 1 to 5)
P = your personality (value from 1 to 5)
A = your attractiveness (value from 1 to 5)
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