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This is the seventy-third set of jokes
(#1545) Endearing terms
Itís Daniel and Rivkahís 50th wedding anniversary (mazeltov) and to celebrate, their son Aaron invites the close family to a Golden Wedding dinner at his house. During the evening, Aaron gets very emotional every time he hears his dad call his mum by such endearing terms as Ďdarlingí, Ďpetalí, Ďsweetheartí and Ďmy lover.í Itís clear to Aaron that his parents are still very much in love. While Rivkah is out the room, Aaron goes over to his father, kisses him and quietly says, "Dad, Iím so pleased for you both. I think it's fantastic that after 50 years youíre still calling mum by those loving pet names."
But Daniel, looking very embarrassed, says, "Things are not always what they seem to be, son. I must tell you the truth - I forgot your motherís name about 5 years ago."
(#1546) Our friend Hymie
Jeremy and Nathan meet in the Post Office whilst they queue for their pensions. Nathan says, "Did you hear what happened to Hymie Himmelfarb?"
"You mean Hymie Himmelfarb with the smokers cough?" asks Jeremy.
"Yes, that's the one," replies Nathan.
"Hymie Himmelfarb with the gout and double hernia?" asks Jeremy.
"Yes, thatís him, Jeremy," replies Nathan.
"Hymie Himmelfarb with the blotchy skin and whoís always fainting?" asks Jeremy.
"Yes, him, but alright with the questions already," replies Nathan.
"No, I didn't hear about Hymie Himmelfarb," says Jeremy. "So what happened to Hymie?"
"He died yesterday," replies Nathan.
"Oy vey! And he was such a healthy man," says Jeremy.
(#1547) Extraordinary decorating
Kitty has decided to have her house re-decorated. When the decorator arrives to give her a quote, he asks her to describe how she wants her house done.
Kitty says, "Iím going to leave the choice of colours, material and design entirely to you. I only ask that whatever you choose, it must be extraordinary."
"What do you mean by that?" asks the decorator.
"I want it done in such a way that when my best friend, Mrs Josephs, comes in to see the work youíve carried out, she should instantly have a heart attack with jealousy and drop down dead."
(#1548) The Chassidís visit
[My thanks to Freda H for the following]
When Shlomo and Moshe, two Chassids, meet in Golders Green one Monday morning, Moshe is very surprised to see that Shlomo is all dressed up in his special shabbes clothes. Heís wearing his kippa, his tzitzit is showing, he has a siddur and tallis bag under one arm and a tefillin bag under the other.
So Moshe asks, "Oy veh Shlomo, where are you going all dressed up like that? Itís not shabbes you know."
"Sssshhh," replies Shlomo, "I donít want anyone to know, but as Iíve never been to a brothel before, I thought Iíd go to Soho and try one out."
"OK, but whatís with your shabbes gear and prayer tools?"
"Well," replies Shlomo, "if I like it there, I might decide to stay over the weekend."
(#1549) And the winner isÖ
Whenever Freda goes shopping, she carefully scrutinizes everything she buys and always battles to get the best deals. Today is the turn of the local delicatessen. As soon as she enters the shop, she looks around and puts a few items in her trolley. Then she goes over to the cash desk and says to the owner, "I don't like the look of this whitefish of yours."
"Lady," says the owner, "if youíre buying for looks, then don't buy whitefish. Buy goldfish instead."
"Clever doesnít suit you," she replies sarcastically, "but Iíll take it."
Then pointing to the chicken in her basket, she says, "And what about this here chicken, it has a broken leg."
"Look lady," says the owner, "do you want to eat it or dance with it?"
"Ha Ha, very funny youíre not," says Freda. "OK. But before you weigh the chicken, I want you to take out the bones."
"Listen lady," says the owner, "Because I buy with bones, you'll buy with bones."
"But I never pay for chicken with bones," says Freda.
"OK," says the owner, "no bones, then," as he starts removing the bones.
"Thank you," says Freda smiling, "youíre a mensh. Now put the bones in a separate bag for soup. OhÖand never mind the flesh - I don't like your chicken anyway."
(#1550) Fitness counts
Jed and Solly, both in their 50s, have been working in the same office for many years and have become close friends. One Monday, despite his age, Jed boasts to Solly about his sexual endurance the night before.
"I did it three times with my wife last night Solly," says Jed, matter-of-factly.
"Oy yoy yoy! Three times," gasps Solly admiringly. "How on earth did you manage that?"
"It wasnít too difficult," replies Jed, modestly. "After my wife and I made love for the first time, I took a 10 minute nap. Then I made love to her again, followed by another 10 minute nap. And then we made love for the third time. I canít describe how I feel, Solly. I woke up this morning feeling like a stallion."
"What a good method," says Solly, "I must try it. Mine Sadie won't believe whatís happening to her when I manage to shtup her 3 times in one night. It will be a mekheiyeh for both of us."
So that night Solly surprises Sadie. He makes love to her, then takes a 10 minute nap, makes love to her again, takes another nap, this time for 15 minutes and then makes love to her for a third time. Then, with a smile on his face, he rolls over and falls fast asleep.
Solly wakes up feeling absolutely marvellous. He gets dressed and leaves for work. Rather than get on his usual bus, he takes a leisurely stroll to his office. This makes him 30 minutes late. When he arrives, his boss is waiting for him.
"What's the matter Mr Jones?" he asks, "I've been working for you for nearly 25 years and Iíve never once been late. Surely youíre not going to reprimand me for a measly thirty minutes?"
"What do you mean thirty minutes?" says Mr Jones, "where were you yesterday?"
shtup: vulgar for making
mekheiyeh: a pleasure
(#1551) Mistaken identity
One morning, Hannah is on a bus on her way to Brent Cross shopping centre when she notices a man sitting opposite her. "Hello," she says to him, "do you recognise me?"
"No I donít," he replies.
"Are you joking?" says Hannah, "Are you really saying you donít remember me?"
"Madam," he replies, "Iíve never seen you before.
"Oy veh, youíre going to be so embarrassed when I tell you who I am," says Hannah.
"OK," he says, "why do you think you know me?"
"Because I went to your barmitzvah, thatís why," replies Hannah.
"Youíve made a mistake then," he says, "because Iím not even Jewish."
"Youíre not Jewish?" says Hannah, "then please give me back my present."
(#1552) The board meeting
Rabbi Levy finishes yet another of his long, dry and somewhat boring sermons. This time, however, before he sits down, he announces to his congregation that he wishes to meet with the shul's Board of Representatives immediately after the service.
The first man to arrive and greet Rabbi Levy is a total stranger to him. "Thanks for coming," says the rabbi, "but you must have misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the Board."
"Yes I know," says the man, "but if thereís anyone here more bored than I am, then I'd like to shake his hand."
(#1553) Problem after problem
Isaac is one of the worldís great hypochondriacs. One day he goes to see doctor Myers and says, with a worried look on his face, "Doctor, you must help me."
"How can I do that, Isaac?" asks doctor Myers calmly.
"Do you remember those voices in my head Iíve been complaining about?" says Isaac.
"Yes of course," replies doctor Myers.
"Well," says Isaac, "they've suddenly gone away."
"So what's the problem then?" asks doctor Myers.
"I think I'm going deaf," replies Isaac
(#1554) STOP PRESS: FROM REUTERS
Itís true. Shlomo Eliahu, chief rabbi in the Israeli town of Safed, composed this prayer to help devout Jews overcome guilt after visiting porn web sites on the Internet. Eliahu composed the prayer in response to numerous queries from Orthodox Jews worried that the lure of Internet sex sites was putting family relationships at risk.
"Please God, help me cleanse my computer of viruses and evil photographs which disturb and ruin my work..., so that I shall be able to cleanse myself of sin."The rabbi recommended that Jews recite the prayer when they log on to the Internet (or program the prayer to flash up on their computer screens) so that they are spiritually covered whether they enter a porn site intentionally or by mistake.
(#1555) The newcomer
Moshe is always telling jokes and thinks he could make a great stand-up comedian. So when one of his friends suggests he do a try out, Moshe volunteers to entertain patients in one of the wards at a nearby hospital.
Moshe starts by telling the patients some jokes and finishes by singing some funny songs. Just before he leaves, he says to the patients, "I hope you all get better."
One elderly male replies, "I hope you get better, too."
(#1556) Proof of the pudding
Cyril goes to see his solicitor and says, "My neighbour owes me £750 but he wonít pay up. He says he owes me nothing. What do you suggest I do?"
"Do you have any proof that he owes you the money?" asks the solicitor.
"No, Iím afraid I donít," replies Cyril.
"OK then," says the solicitor, "Hereís what you should do. Write him a formal letter asking him to pay the £1,000 he owes you."
"But he only owes me £750," says Cyril.
"Exactly right," says the solicitor, "That's what he will say in his reply to you and then we will then have the proof we need to pursue your claim."
(#1557) Operation talk
Freda and Kitty meet at Brent Cross shopping centre one day for their regular chat. Kitty says, "Do you know what my doctor told me the other day, Freda?"
"No," says Freda, "surprise me!"
"Well, he told me that I needed to have another operation," replies Kitty.
"So when will you have it?" says Freda.
"I wonít," replies Kitty, "I told him that because Harry and I have had so many expenses this year, we couldnít afford to pay for an operation."
"Never mind," says Freda, "youíll just have to talk about your old operation for yet another year."
(#1558) Knowing the rules
Naomi, recently married, meets her friend Emma in Brent Cross shopping centre.
"Hi Naomi," says Emma, "howís marriage treating you?"
"Not too bad Emma," replies Naomi, "but tell me something Ė I seem to have forgotten the proper procedure. When one first gets married, how long should one wait before starting to point out to one's husband what disgusting habits he has?"
(#1559) Half time advice
It was half time during a Maccabi youth team football match and Henry, the manager of one of the sides, calls over Lawrence, one of his 9year old players and says to him, "Do you understand what co-operation is, Lawrence? Do you know what a team is?"
"Yes," replies Lawrence.
"Do you therefore understand," continues Henry, "that itís the team that counts and what matters most is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
Lawrence again replies, "yes."
"OK," Henry says, "so when the referee sees a foul and blows his whistle, one shouldn't swear, argue, attack him or call him a shmuck head and a putz. Nor is it good sportsmanship to call a manager 'a dumb ass hole.' Do you agree?
Again Lawrence says, "yes."
"Good," says Henry, "Now go over there and explain all that to your dad."
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