THE JEWISH JOKES OF www.awordinyoureye.com

BACK TO INDEX PAGE

go to seventy-second set

This is the seventy-first set of jokes

Give me a sense of humour, Lord
Give me the grace to see a joke
To get some humour out of life
And pass it on to other folks









STOP PRESS:
[My thanks to Charles K for this true(?) story titled, “Network Check” which appeared on ‘overheardintheoffice.com’]
IT guy: Let me make sure everything is kosher with the server.
Brand manager: Do you need a rabbi for that?
IT guy: All the servers come with a rabbi chip now.

(#1515) A good solution
[My thanks to Simon S for the following]
It’s a lovely Sunday morning and Issy wakes up, puts on his dressing gown and goes downstairs where his wife Rose is in the kitchen making breakfast.
"So what's for breakfast, dear?" he asks, as he enters the kitchen.
Rose walks over to him and says, "Before I answer that, you've got to make love to me right now."
Thinking it's his lucky day, Issy does as he’s told and makes love to Rose. When it’s over, Issy asks, "Darling, why did you want to make love at this very moment? You’ve never wanted to do that before."
"Because I’m making you eggs and the egg timer's broken," Rose replies.

(#1516) The Passover test
[My thanks to Jeff G for the following]
Sean is waiting for a bus when another man joins him at the bus stop. After 20 minutes of waiting, Sean takes out a sandwich from his lunch box and starts to eat. But noticing the other man watching, Sean asks, "Would you like one? My wife has made me plenty."
"Thank you very much, but I must decline your kind offer," says the other man, "I’m Rabbi Levy."
"Nice to meet you, Rabbi," says Sean, "but my sandwiches are alright for you to eat. They only contain cheese. There’s no meat in them."
"It’s very kind of you," says Rabbi Levy, "but today we Jews are celebrating Passover. It would be a great sin to eat a sandwich because during the 8 days of Passover, we cannot eat bread. In fact it would be a sin comparable to the sin of adultery."
"OK," says Sean, "but it’s difficult for me to understand the significance of what you’ve just said."
Many weeks later, Sean and Rabbi Levy meet again. Sean says, "Do you remember, Rabbi, that when we last met, I offered you a sandwich which you refused because you said eating bread on Passover would be as great a sin as that of adultery?"
Rabbi Levy replies, "Yes, I remember saying that."
"Well, Rabbi," says Sean, "that day, I went over to my mistress’s apartment and told her what you said. We then tried out both the sins, but I must admit, we just couldn’t see the comparison."

(#1517) Her yearly medical
Leah goes to Dr Myers for her yearly examination. He begins by putting her on the scales. "How much do you think you weigh, Leah?" he asks.
"8 stone 5 pounds," Leah replies.
But Dr Myers tells her that her weight is actually 9 stone 3 pounds.
Dr Myers then asks, "How tall are you, Leah?"
"I’m 5 foot 9," Leah replies.
But when he measures her, it turns out that she is only 5 foot 6."
Dr Myers then takes her blood pressure. "Your blood pressure is very high, Leah," he says.
"It’s no wonder," Leah shouts at him. "When I came in here I was tall and slender. Now I'm short and fat."

(#1518) How to get ahead
[My thanks to Jeff G for the following]
Isaac dies and his three brothers attend his funeral, along with his many friends and family. Just before the service commences, the chazzen quietly asks each of the brothers what they do for a living. Victor says he’s a doctor, Benny says he’s a lawyer, but when Cyril says he’s a theatrical agent, the chazzan suddenly bursts into voice and starts to sing music from Cats.

(#1519) Up on the roof
Daniel and Howard are brothers and both live in Hampstead. But there the comparison ends – Daniel lives with and looks after their elderly mother and Howard lives with his cat Peachy.
Howard is besotted by Peachy. His whole life is based around her. So when his boss tells him at short notice that he must go to New York to sort out a problem there, he doesn’t know what to do. He can’t take Peachy with him, he can’t leave her behind on her own and he can’t refuse to go to New York. He eventually decides to trust Daniel with Peachy while he’s away. So just before he leaves, Howard goes round to Daniel and explains in great detail what to do. He hands over the cat plus 1 week’s worth of cat medicine and top grade cat food, says goodbye to Peachy and then leaves.
The phone calls begin as soon as he arrives in New York. Howard phones Daniel morning, noon and night to make sure Peachy is alright.  But on the 4th day, when he calls and asks how Peachy is getting along, Daniel replies, "I’m afraid Peachy is dead, Howard."
Howard is immediately besotted with grief. In between his sobs, he says, "That was most cruel, Daniel. You know how much I loved Peachy. Why couldn't you have broken it to me gently?"
"How could I have done that?" asks Daniel.
"Well," says Howard, "when I called, you could have said, ‘well she's OK but she’s up on the roof.’ Then, when I called the next time, you could have said, ‘she fell off the roof and she's at the vets.’  And then, the next time, you could have said, ‘I’m sorry, but she passed away peacefully.’  At least then I would have been a little prepared for the bad news."
"Yes, you’re right, I’m so sorry," says Daniel.
Howard then asks, "By the way, how's mum?"
"She’s ….. OK," replies Daniel, "she's up on the roof fixing a tile."

(#1520) Riddle
Q: When does a pensioner go to bed?
A: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

(#1521) Jewish cannibals
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Two Jewish cannibals are stewing a pot of food over a fire.
"Oy veh," says the first cannibal, "I really do hate my mother-in-law."
The second cannibal replies, "Nu? So leave her and just drink the chicken soup and lockshen."

(#1522) It doesn’t compare
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Faye is on a Caribbean cruise to celebrate her 80th birthday. She is standing with some other passengers at the front of the ship and thinking of the film TITANIC. It’s very windy up front and she has to hold tightly onto her hat to stop it from blowing away.
Daniel is also at the front of the ship and notices something. So he walks over to Faye and says, "Excuse me madam, but did you know the wind is blowing your dress up over your waist?"
"I know this, thank you," replies Faye, "but there’s not much I can do - I need both my hands to hold onto my hat."
"Look, lady," says Daniel, "I’m sorry if this embarrasses you, but you’re not wearing any underwear and your… ahem… private parts are exposed."
Faye looks down for a few seconds, then looks up at Daniel and says, "Thanks for pointing this out, but everything you see down there is 80 years old whereas I only bought this hat last week."

(#1523) The burial
[My thanks to Manuel R for the following two versions of the same joke]
Version 1:
Dos judios que trabajaban en la Chevre Kadishe preparando cadaveres, antes de un entierro reciben un nuevo cuerpo.
Uno de ellos abriendo los ojos, senialando el pene del difunto, dice asombrado,
"Nu, yossl host du shoin gezein azane."
A lo que Yossl responde,
"Avreimale, ich ob dem zelbe."
Avreimale, enormemente sorprendido, corrobora,
"Azoy groiss?"
Yossl:  Nein, azoy toit!!!!"
Version 2:
Two Jews who work for Chevra Kadisha preparing bodies for burial receive a new corpse.
One of them opens his eyes wide and pointing to the man's penis exclaims in amazement
"Nu Yossle, have you ever seen something like this?"
To which Yossl replies,
"Abraham my friend, mine is exactly the same."
Abraham, greatly surprised, inquires,
"So large?"
Yossl replies, "No, so dead!!!!!"

(#1524) For the ‘chronologically challenged’

(#1525) Learning curve
The Lake District has flooded and little Sam is walking home after shul one shabbes. As he gets to the crossroads, he meets a little girl.
"Hello," says Sam, "what’s your name?"
"I’m Naomi," replies the little girl.
"Where you going, Naomi?" asks Sam.
"I've just been to shul and I'm on my way home," she replies.
"Me too," says Sam. "What shul do you go to?"
"The Reform shul back down the road," replies Naomi. "What about you?"
"Mine's the Orthodox shul at the top of the hill," replies Sam.
They soon discover that they both go home the same way so they decide to walk back together. But they come to a halt at a low point in the road where the rain has partially flooded the road and they can’t find a way to get across without getting wet.
"If I get my new shabbes dress wet, my mummy's going to really tell me off," says Naomi.
Sam says, "My mummy might even stop my pocket money if I get my new shabbes suit wet."
"Tell you what I think I'll do," says Naomi, "I'm going to take off all my clothes, hold them over my head and walk across."
"That's a good idea," says Sam. "I'll do the same thing."
So they both undress and wade across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. As they are waiting to dry before putting their clothes back on, Sam says to Naomi, "You know, I never knew how much difference there is between a Reform and Orthodox Jew."

Shul: synagogue

(#1526) Riddle
Q: What do pensioners call a long lunch?
A: Normal.

(#1527) That’s the way to do it
[My thanks to my daughter Suzy for the following]
After 15 years of marriage, it’s got to the stage where Victor and Rivkah have no choice but to book an appointment to see Levy, the well known marriage guidance counsellor. When they arrive, Levy asks them to explain their problem. Rivkah immediately launches into a seemingly never-ending tirade, going on and on about Victor’s selfishness, his lying, his bullying, his controlling, his spending money on worthless goods, his never saying anything nice about her, their arguments, his lack of love for her…….but Levy has heard enough, already. He gets up, goes over to Rivkah, pulls her from her chair, embraces her and kisses her passionately on the lips. That stops her in her tracks. Levy then rips off her clothes and makes love to her on his desk. When it’s over, Rivkah sits back down in her chair with a dazed, but very satisfied look on her face.
Levy turns to Victor and says, "You see? That’s what your wife needs, and she needs it at least three times a week. Do you think you can do that?"
Victor thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I can certainly get her here on Monday and Thursday, doctor, but on Friday I play golf."

(#1528) The boyfriend
[My thanks to Richard K for sending me the following story]
TRUE STORY - A psychoanalyst told me last week end that a patient of his, who is Jewish, married, has two kids, a house in the suburbs with a two car garage etc. all of a sudden finds out that he's gay.  He goes to his mother and says, "Mum, I just found out I'm gay and have a boyfriend, his name is Heinrich."
His mother says, "Vot, you're going with a Nazis?"

(#1529) A visit to a psychiatric hospital
During a visit to the community psychiatric hospital, Morris, a journalist from the Jewish Chronicle, asks the Director how the hospital decides whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," replies the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and we ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," says Morris. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"Actually," says the Director, "A normal person would just pull the plug. So tell me Morris, do you want a room with an East view or a West view?"

go to seventy-second set

BACK TO INDEX PAGE

Copyright © 2001-2010 David Minkoff
The information on this page may be freely copied for private use.
If you would like to use this information for commercial purposes, please contact me via my home page.