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This is the sixth set of jokes
A German comes to London and stays with Maurice and his family.
The first morning they all have breakfast together and have bagels. The German exclaims "Wow we don't have bagels like this in Germany." To which Maurice stands up and yells "And whose fault is that?"
(#182) Can You Spare A Penny?
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.
The man asked, "God, what's a million years to you?"
And God said "A minute."
Then the man asked: "Well, what's a million pounds to you?"
And God said: "A penny"
Then the man asked: "God.....can I have a penny?"
And God said: "Sure.....in a minute."
Israel's economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds a special session to come up with a solution.
After several hours of talk without progress one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States."
Everyone starts shouting at once. "You're nuts! That's crazy!"
"Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over.
"Sure," says Benny, another minister, "that's if we lose. But what if we win?"
(#184) The confession
Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, "Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!"
To which David replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."
(#185) Jewish employment
"My son," says Yetta, "is a physicist."
"My son," says Sadie, "is president of an insurance company."
"My son," says Becky, "is the head of a law firm and president of the Law Society."
"My son," says Hannah, "is a rabbi."
"A rabbi? What kind of career is that for a Jewish boy?"
(#186) All we ever seem to hear is Jewish
jokes so here are two gentile jokes
Patrick goes into the John Lewis Menswear department and says, "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"
The salesman says, "It's £500."
Patrick says, "OK, I'll take it."
Sean calls his mother. "Mother, I know you
're expecting me for dinner tonight, but something important has come up
and I can't make it."
His mother says, "OK."
(#187) Jewish logic.
Hymie says to Bernie, “Listen, why do we need this letter M in the word ‘Yitzhak’?”
Bernie says, “But there is no M in ‘Yitzhak’!”
Hymie replies, “No, I mean what if we insert it there?”
Bernie says, “But why do we need to insert M in ‘Yitzhak’?”
And Hymie then says, “But that's exactly what I'm asking you. Why do we need M in the word ‘Yitzhak’?”
(#188) Jewish Mothers
Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Brent Cross Shopping Centre?
A: To be sure her daughter would visit her twice a week.
Q: What did the Jewish Mother cash dispenser
say to her customer?
A: You never write, you never call and you only visit me when you need money.
Q: What did the Jewish Mother say when her
daughter told her she was having an affair?
A: Who's doing the catering?
Q: What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers
Q: What is the most common disease transmitted
by Jewish Mothers?
Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make such good parole
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
Q: What is a genius?
A: An average pupil with a Jewish Mother.
(#189) You Never Listen
Sarah comes home from her long stay in Uganda and surprises her mother Bette, who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup. Bette is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing Sarah.
Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."
Sarah says, "Mum, I got married."
"Oy, mazeltov," says Bette, "But how could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"
"He's waiting outside while I tell you."
"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."
Sarah brings him in and to her consternation, Bette sees a black man standing before her wearing an evil grin, a feathered cod piece, an ornate head dress, animal tooth beads and holding a tall spear.
Bette says to Sarah, "You stupid idiot. I said RICH doctor!"
(#190) All In A Days Work
Three bubbes were sitting around and bragging about their children.
Freda says, "Benny graduated with a first class honours degree from Oxford and he's now a doctor making £250,000 a year in Harley Street."
Kitty says, "Sidney graduated with a first class honours degree from Cambridge and he's now a lawyer making half a million pounds a year and he lives in the City."
Ethel says, "Abe never did well in school, never went to university but he now makes one million pounds a year working as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask, "So what's a sports repairman?"
Ethel replies, "He fixes football matches, rugby matches, cricket matches....."
(#192) Bad Attitude Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word. Those that weren't were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft Israeli dance music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will go to synagogue with you every week to pray and I will try to modify my behaviour."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
(#193) The Donations
Kol Nidre was fast approaching and the Rabbi remembered his dissatisfaction with the donations given by his congregation last year. He wasn't confident that he could get more from them this year. The synagogue Treasurer suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.
"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you ensure all windows are shut so that the shul is warmer than usual. Then you give your usual sermon, but in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc backwards and forwards and suggest to the congregation that they pledge 10 times more than they did last year."
So on Kol Nidre night, the Rabbi did as suggested, and lo and behold, they pledged 10 times more than normal.
Now, the Rabbi did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every year so he waited 2 years before trying mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerised, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the floor with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the Rabbi.
It took them a week to clean up the synagogue.
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