(#1475) Tit for tat
[My thanks to Shlomo for the following]
Abe comes home one day and shows his wife Hette the two CDs he’s just bought from a friend in the office. Hette takes one look at them and shouts, "Are you stupid? What’s this rubbish you’ve bought with our hard earned money? You haven’t got a CD to play them on."
"So what," replies Abe, "Remember when you bought those two bras last week? Did you hear me say anything?"

(#1476) How to do marketing
[My thanks to Shlomo for the following]
Issy and his friend Benny meet in Brent Cross for their regular fortnightly chat over coffee. "Oy veh, Benny," says Issy, "I just can’t seem to sell my car. I’ve been advertising it in the Jewish Chronicle for nearly 2 months and I haven’t had even one enquiry."
"Really?" replies Benny, "So how did you word the advert?"
"It went something like this," replies Issy,

1985 Ford Cortina 1300 for sale: One rear brake light missing, bonnet dented in two places, no air conditioning, no radio, side window cracked, needs re-spray. £500 or near offer

Vintage car for sale: unique, lots of character, owned by non-smoker, good runner, light on petrol, open space plan, easy to maintain, one or two things to put right but ideal for the imaginative executive who’s going places

(#1477) Why didn’t you ask?
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Fact: The children of Israel roamed the desert for 40 years.
Conclusion: Even in those days, a man would never ask for directions.

(#1478) Insomnia cure
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Dr Myers has been looking after one of his patients, 80-year-old Freda, for most of her life. But he retires and passes all his patients over to the newly qualified Dr Faith who has just joined the practice.  One of the first things Dr Faith does is to ask to see Freda and she should bring with her a list of all the medicines that have been prescribed for her. Eventually, Freda has her appointment.
As Dr Faith is looking through Freda’s list, he is totally shocked to see that she has a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs Cohen," he says, "do you realise that these are birth control pills?"
"Yes doctor," replies Freda, "they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs Cohen," says Dr Faith, "I can assure you that there is absolutely nothing in birth control pills that could possibly help you sleep better at night."
When she hears this, Freda reaches over to Dr Faith, lovingly pats him on his knee and says, "Yes, doctor, I know this, but every morning I get up very early, grind up one of the pills and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter Suzy drinks when she awakes. Believe me doctor, this helps me sleep at night."

(#1479) What a spectacle!
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Rifka is a simple young housewife who enjoys many simple things in life. One day, as she is walking through the John Lewis department store, Rifka notices a pair of X-ray glasses on special sale. She is not convinced that such a thing can really work but the store assistant convinces her that they are indeed X-ray glasses. So she buys a pair.
As soon as she leaves the store, Rifka opens the package, puts on her new X-ray glasses and immediately sees everyone around her naked. She removes them and everyone has their clothes on. She puts them on and everyone is naked again.
"How cool," she thinks, "I can’t wait to get home to show them to Gary."
So she decides to cut her shopping and finish it the next day. She makes her way home and when she arrives, she finds Gary and the young lady from next door in bed together. She puts on the glasses and they are naked. She takes off the glasses and the two are still naked. She puts them back on and they are still naked.
Rifka then says, "Bother, I just paid fifty pounds for these glasses and they’ve broken already!"

(#1480) Deja vu
It’s a very hot August afternoon and Sarah is taking her daily walk. As she nears her local shul, she notices that the shrubbery outside the entrance is on fire. She bangs on the gabbai's door and when he opens it, she tells him that he should call the fire brigade before the fire causes any damage.
The gabbai dials 999, identifies himself, gives his location and explains the situation.
"Do you mean to tell me," says the emergency operator, "that there's a burning bush on the synagogue lawn and you want us to put it out?"

Gabbai: Synagogue warden

(#1481) The snare
Sarah and Benjy have been dating throughout their college years but at no time did Benjy talk once to Sarah about marriage. But now that they have graduated, Sarah’s mother, Kitty, has a quiet talk with her daughter.
"Darling," says Kitty, "although Benjy is an absolutely smashing young man, I think you’ve been too patient with him. He’ll make a marvellous husband but he needs a bit of pushing. You must now use every opportunity to hint at marriage."
The following weekend, Benjy takes Sarah to Minky’s Kosher Chinese Restaurant. As he reads the menu, he casually asks her, "Sarah darling, how do you want your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"
Without hesitating, Sarah looks up at him, smiles sexily and replies, "Thrown."

(#1482) The children’s weekly Talmud lesson
Rabbi Levy arrives at his shul’s weekly children’s service. This is when he gathers all the little children around him and gives them a brief Talmud lesson before dismissing them. He never misses an opportunity to give them a suitable message.
On this particular shabbes, he decides to use squirrels for an object lesson on teaching them the need for industry and preparation. So he starts out by saying to the children, "I'm now going to describe something to you and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is."
The children nod eagerly.
"This thing runs around in trees (pause)… and eats nuts (pause)..."
No hands go up.
"And it’s grey or brown (pause)… and it has a bushy tail (pause)…"
The children look at each other, but still no hands are raised.
"And it takes big jumps from one branch to another (pause)… and it chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)…"
Finally, little Sam tentatively raises his hand. Rabbi Levy breathes a sigh of relief and says, "Good, Sam, so what do you think it is?"
"Well, rabbi," says little Sam, "I know the answer must be Moses … but it sounds just like a squirrel to me!"

(#1483) The appointment
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Harry has a ‘malfunction problem’ and makes an appointment to see a consultant urologist in Harley Street. When Harry arrives, he notices that the waiting room is already filled with patients. As he walks over to the receptionist to check in, he can’t help noticing that she is a very large and unfriendly looking woman who looks just like a Sumo wrestler. He says to her, "My name is Harry and I’ve got an appointment with Dr Bard."
The receptionist replies in a very loud voice that everyone can hear, "Yes, Harry, your name is on my list. You want to see the doctor about impotence. Is that correct?"
All the patients in the waiting room turn to look at Harry, who is by now very embarrassed. However, he quickly gathers himself together and in an equally loud voice replies, "No, you’re wrong. I've come to inquire about the possibility of a sex change operation, but now I’ve seen you, I don't want the same doctor that did yours."

(#1484) Dating advert in Jewish Chronicle
Professional Jewish athlete, winner of Davis Cup, America Cup and Stanley Cup. Seeking non-Jewish woman. Goyishe Cup. Reply to Box 13

(#1485) Not a lot to ask
Hannah goes to see a shadchen hoping that he has someone on his books who would meet her needs. She says to the shadchen, "I'm looking for a husband. Can you please help me find someone suitable."
"I’m sure I can help," replies the shadchen, "may I ask what your requirements are?"
"Well," says Hannah, "he needs to be handsome in a masculine kind of way and he needs a good sense of humour. He must be polite and courteous and have a knowledge about most subjects. He needs to sing and dance well and he must always be willing to accompany me wherever I decide to go during my leisure hours. And I want him to tell me interesting stories when I need some conversation and be quiet when I need to rest."
The shadchen smiles and says, "I understand exactly what you need. You need a good television."

Shadchen: a professional marriage broker

(#1486) We’re not stupid
Moshe loses his rare and valuable dog and advertises in the Jewish Chronicle offering a very generous £15,000 reward for its return. After a few days of no replies, he goes to the JC for some information. He says to the receptionist, "I'd like to see Jacob, the advertising manager, please."
"I’m sorry sir, but he's out," says the receptionist.
"OK, so how about his secretary?"
"She's out too, sir. In fact everyone from his department is out."
"Oy veh," says Moshe, "where is everybody?"
"They're all out looking for your dog."

(#1487) The cheap taxi ride
Mordechai, his wife and their three children have just finished their shopping in Brent Cross shopping centre and decide to get a taxi back home. So he hails a cab and says to the driver, "If you turn off the meter, how much will you charge to drive us to Edgware?"
"For you and your wife, I’ll charge just £12," says the taxi driver, "and I'll take the 3 children for free. Is that OK?"
Mordechai turns to his children and says, "Jump into the taxi, children, this nice man will take you home. Your mother and I will take the bus."

(#1488) BREAKING NEWS ITEM
The Israeli police are looking for a man who calls himself Joseph. He’s wanted for looting offences in Haifa. The suspect is described as the son of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father. He’s a former flutist and works occasionally on a farm.
In short, he’s "A Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe."

(#1489) Jewish definitions

• Leftovers: something no Jewish meal is complete without
• Tsuris: your son is marrying someone who isn't Jewish
• Unofficial Jewish dietary law number 6: pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants
• Shmata: a dress that your husband's ex-wife is wearing
• Bris: An event where you should never sit in the front row

you may call your Rabbi for his opinion;
you may ask the Congregation for their opinion;
you may consider your wife's opinion... or not!

Q: Who is Israel's favourite Internet provider?
A: Netanyahoo

Q: What’s the name of the face lotion made especially for Becky?
A: Oil of Oy Vay

Q: What’s the title of a horror film for Jewish women?
A: Debby Does The Dusting

Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: Plaintiff

Q: In Jewish doctrine, when does a foetus become human?
A: When it wins a place in medical school

Q: What does Sadie do to keep her hands soft and her nails long
A: Nothing at all

Q: Define "genius"
A: An average student with a Jewish mother

Q: Why did the mohel retire?
A: He just couldn't cut it anymore

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat

(#1491) What are bubbehs and zaydehs?
 [My thanks to Stan C for the following]
The following were taken from papers written by children

• A bubbeh and zaydeh is a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's
• A zaydeh is a man bubbeh
• Bubbehs and zaydehs don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to Brent Cross shopping centre and give us money to spend
• When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They also show us and talk to us about the colour of the flowers
• They don't say, "Hurry up."
• Usually bubbehs and zaydehs are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes
• They wear glasses and funny underwear and can take their teeth and gums out
• Bubbehs and zaydehs don't have to be smart
• When they read to us, they don't skip anything. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again
• Everybody should try to have a bubbeh and zaydeh, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us
• They know we should have a snack before bedtime and they kiss us even when we've been naughty

• Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times
• Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon (wild, of course)
• Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, maybe a nice cruise
• 20% off is a bargain but 50% off is a mitzvah
• Always whisper the names of diseases
• If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher
• Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

(#1494) The difference between girls at various ages
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]

At 8:  You take her to bed and tell her a story
At 18: You tell her a story and take her to bed
At 28:  You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed
At 38: She tells you a story and takes you to bed
At 48:  You tell her a story to avoid going to bed
At 58;  You stay in bed to avoid her story
At 68: If you take her to bed, that'll be a story
At 78: If you can get out of bed, that's another story

BACK TO INDEX PAGE