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This is the sixtyseventh set of jokes

(#1435) Life’s problems
It’s Tuesday and today’s the day that Hannah and Becky go to their local swimming pool for their weekly exercise. As they are undressing, Hannah looks down at Becky’s body, points and asks, "I’ve always wanted to ask you this, Becky, but how come most of the hair on your head is grey, but down there your hair is a lovely auburn?"
"Because down there I've got no worries," replies Becky.

(#1436) A betting man
Abe is reading his Jewish Chronicle when his wife Ruth walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with her hand.
"What on earth was that for?" shouts Abe.
"That," she replies, "was because I found a piece of paper in your pocket with the name 'Judith Pasha' written on it."
"You’ve got it all wrong, darling," Abe says. "Don’t you remember last week when I went to Ascot races? Well, 'Judith Pasha' was the name of one of the horses I bet on whilst I was there."
Ruth gives a shrug and walks away muttering to herself.
A few days later, Abe is reading his Times newspaper when Ruth again walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head, but this time much harder.
"What was that for?" Abe shouts, rubbing the back of his head.
Ruth replies, "Your horse just called."

(#1437) Where have you been?
[My thanks to Malcolm for the following]
Although married, Moshe is infatuated with Mary, his secretary. So one lunchtime he takes a chance and says to her, "Let’s go back to your place."
To Moshe’s surprise, Mary smiles and says, "What a good idea, Moshe. Yes, I’d love to."
They get to her house and make mad passionate love all afternoon. Then, totally exhausted, they fall asleep and don’t wake up until 7pm.
"Oy veh," shouts Moshe, jumping out of her bed, "just look at the time."
As he’s getting dressed, Moshe tells Mary to take his shoes into the garden and rub them thoroughly into the wet mud and grass. She does what she’s told even though she doesn’t know why. Moshe finishes dressing, puts on his shoes and drives home.
As soon as he opens his front door, there’s his wife Rifka waiting for him. "So, where have you been?" demands Rifka, angrily.
"Darling, I can't lie to you," replies Moshe. "I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been making love all afternoon. Then I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 7 o’clock."
Rifka takes one look at his shoes and says, "You lying momzer. You've been playing golf again."

(momzer:  bastard)

(#1438) The record breaker
Maurice the mortician is working late one night when they bring him the body of a Mr Schwartz to examine. Schwartz is to be buried early the next day. As he examines the body, Maurice can’t help but notice that Schwartz has the biggest shlong he’s ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Schwartz," says Maurice, as he carefully removes the organ with his scalpel, "but I can't send your ‘pride and joy’ to be buried with you. This piece of flesh needs to be saved for posterity." He then stuffs it into his briefcase and takes it home with him.
The first person he shows it to is his wife. "Darling," he says, "I’ve got something to show you that you won’t believe." He then opens up his briefcase.
"Oy veh zmir," she cries out, with tears running down her face, "Schwartz is dead."

(shlong: male organ)

(#1439) The convert
Even though Mordechai has been a frummer for over 50 years, one morning, immediately he awakes, he realises he’s fed up with all the strict observances to Jewish law. So he turns to his wife and says, "Bracha, darling, I've had enough of getting up early every morning to put on my tefillin and say the same prayers. I've made a decision – I’ve decided to convert to Catholicism."
"Don’t be so stupid, Mordechai." says Bracha.
But Mordechai won’t be swayed by his wife’s arguments. He gets dressed, leaves the house and asks a passer-by for directions to the nearest church. When he gets there, he discusses his intentions with the priest. The following day, he begins taking instruction and on the day after that he’s baptized into the Catholic faith.
It’s now Thursday morning. Mordechai awakes early as usual and without thinking, puts on his tefillin and starts reciting his morning prayers.
"What are you doing, Mordechai?" asks Esther. "I thought you became a Catholic to avoid ever having to do this again."
"Oy veh," cries Mordechai, smacking himself on the middle of his forehead with the palm of his hand, "goyisher kop!"

(frummer: very religious person)
(goyisher kop!: gentile brains!)

(#1440) Is that you?
Becky is making love to her ‘toy boy’ when she hears her Bernie’s car coming up the drive. "Hurry," she says to him, "stand in the corner, my husband’s here." Becky quickly rubs baby oil all over him and dusts him with a thick layer of talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispers to him, "pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, darling?" says Bernie as he enters the bedroom.
"Oh, it's just a statue," replies Becky. "The Golds next door bought one for their bedroom and when I saw it, I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
Nothing more was said, not even when they later go to bed for the night.
At 2am, Bernie quietly slips out of bed, goes down to the kitchen and returns with a cold salt beef sandwich on rye and a glass of orange juice. "Here," he whispers to the statue, "eat this. I stood like a shmuck at the Golds for 2 days and nobody even offered me a glass of water."

(#1441) Special offers
Sam is hungry and stops off for a bite to eat at Minkys Kosher Salt Beef Bar. When the waiter asks him whether he’d like a drink to start, he orders a Maccabi beer. "A good choice sir, we have a special offer on this beer tonight – it’s only going to cost you 1p."
"1p?" exclaims Sam, "that’s really cheap."
Then Sam quickly looks through the menu and says, "I’d like a big plate of your best Salt Beef with latkes, haimisher cucumbers and English mustard."
"Certainly," replies the barman, "but that’s going to cost you real money."
"So how much is real money?" asks Sam.
"5p," replies the waiter.
"5p?" says Sam, "that’s ridiculous. You’ll loose money on this. I’d like to talk to the owner. Where is he?"
"He’s upstairs with my wife," replies the waiter.
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks Sam.
"The same thing as I'm doing to his business," replies the waiter.

(#1442) A few seconds of thought - 1
Esther, 85 years old, is walking around the lounge in Becky’s Nursing Home in Hendon. As she walks past each male resident, she flips up the hem of her nightgown and says, "Supersex!"
As she reaches wheelchair-bound Cyril, she flips up her gown at him and says, "Supersex!"
Cyril sits silently for a few seconds and then says, "I'll take the soup, please."

(#1443) A few seconds of thought - 2
85-year old Esther bursts into the TV room in Becky’s Nursing Home in Hendon, holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight."
Maurice, an elderly resident sitting at the back of the room, shouts out, "Is it an elephant?"
Esther thinks for a few seconds and then says, "Close enough."

(#1444) How to impress a woman
Wine her; Dine her; Call her; Hug her; Support her; Hold her; Surprise her; Compliment her; Smile at her; Listen to her; Laugh with her; Cry with her; Romance her; Encourage her; Believe in her; Cuddle her; Shop with her; Give her jewellery; Buy her flowers; Hold her hand; Write love letters to her; Go to the ends of the Earth and back again for her.

(#1445) How to impress a man
Show up naked; Bring him chicken wings; Don't stand in front of the TV.

(#1446) Why do you want to be that?
[My thanks to Malcolm from Leeds for the following]
Three 12 year olds, Benjy, Sidney and Oliver, are sitting on the balcony of Benjy’s 6th floor flat discussing the jobs they’d like to do when they grow up.
"I want to be an actuary," Sidney says.
"Why do you want to be that?" the other two ask.
"Well," replies Sidney, "do you see that silver car down there? Well that’s a Lexus IS250 and all actuaries drive Lexus cars."
"Well," says Oliver, "I want to be a footballer."
"Why do you want to be that?" the other two ask.
Oliver points to the car next to the Lexus and says, "that car’s a Bentley and all good footballers drive Bentley cars."
Benjy says, "When I grow up I want to be a koorveh."
"Why do you want to be that?" the other two ask.
"Because my dad says my older sister is a koorveh and that Lexus and that Bentley are both hers."

(koorveh: a trollop, a prostitute, a woman who trades on her sexuality for money, gifts or position)

(#1447) The special dinner guest
Paul and Natalie have invited their elderly rabbi for dinner. While they’re in the kitchen preparing the meal, the Rabbi is in the dining room with their 5 year-old daughter.
"So tell me, Emma," asks the rabbi, "do you know what we’re having tonight?"
"Goat," replies Emma.
"Goat?" says the startled rabbi. "Are you sure about that, Emma?"
"Oh yes, rabbi," replies Emma, "I heard daddy say to mummy, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

(#1448) A woman's poem

He didn't like my salt beef
And he didn't like my cake.
My kichel were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't make the borsht right
He left the cholent stew.
I didn't wash his gatkes
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and gave him a potch...
Like his mother used to do.

(potch: smack)
(kichel: small round plain biscuit)
(cholent: potted meat and vegetables simmered overnight)
(borsht: beetroot soup)
(gatkes: underpants)


(#1449) The instructor
Joel and Sarah are soon getting married but are so ‘innocent’ that neither knows what to do on their wedding night. So they agree to see the wise Rabbi Levy for advice. After they explain their predicament, Rabbi Levy takes them up to his bedroom and says, "It’s easier to show you what to do than to explain. Sarah, could you please get undressed and lie down on my bed. I’ll then show you what to do."
Sarah does what she’s told and Rabbi Levy then begins to show them, personally and in great detail, all the steps involved in making love on their first night. When he finishes, he gets off the bed and says to Joel, "Now take Sarah home and practice what I have just shown you."
But Sarah interrupts. With her face all flushed, she says, "Wait a minute Rabbi, please show Joel again what to do.... he’s a little forgetful."

(#1450) Life saver
One day, it was so hot in Miami that Becky almost died on the beach. It was just lucky that a lifeguard opened her mink coat in time.

(#1451) The quarrel
Moshe and Hetty have been married for 10 years. One day, after their usual quarrel, Hetty says, "You know, Moshe, I was a fool when I married you."
"Yes, dear," replies Moshe, "but I was in love and I didn't notice it."

(#1452) On the job
Abe goes into his local WHSmith bookshop and asks the saleswoman, "Excuse me, but where is the self-help section?"
She replies, "If I told you, sir, it would defeat the purpose."

(#1453) A history lesson
An American, an Englishman and an Israeli are indulging in a bit of boasting.
The American says, "One of my ancestors signed the Declaration of Independence."
The Englishman says, "That's nothing. One of my ancestors was present at the signing of the Magna Carta."
The Israeli quietly says, "You think that’s something? One of my ancestors drew up the Ten Commandments."

(#1454) Riddle
Q. How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A. She has a headache with the postman.

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