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This is the sixtysixth set of jokes
It’s true - a recent survey says that men who help out with the dusting are better in bed. It seems that 9 out of 10 women who received two or more hours of assistance per week from their partners said that they enjoyed very good sex lives. This should lead men to ask the question, “Where can I enrol in an advanced course on house cleaning skills?”
***END OF STOP PRESS
(#1415) Kite flyer
[My thanks to Charles K for the following two]
Issy has taken to flying kites, but he’s Jewish so he’s not very good at it. In fact, today he’s having trouble controlling his kite – it’s bobbing and weaving all over the sky. His wife Sarah, observing the scene from the window, calls out to him, "Issy, I think it would be better if you had a piece of tail."
Issy replies, "When I asked you for that a little while ago, you told me to go fly a kite."
(#1416) The staff of life
[My thanks to Charles K for the following]
Moshe and Solly are in Brent Cross shopping centre having a man-to-man chat. Moshe says, "I’m so embarrassed to have to tell you Solly but, oy veh, am I having trouble keeping up an erection."
"You’re in luck Moshe," says Solly, "you’re talking to the right man on this one. I have just the solution for you - eat a lot of rye bread. It worked for me."
After they leave, Moshe thinks about what Solly has said and although he doesn’t really believe it, he decides it wouldn’t hurt to try it out. So he goes to the Edgware Grodzinskis bakery and says to the lady behind the counter, "I’ll take a large loaf of your rye bread, please."
"Do you want it sliced?" she asks.
"What's the difference?" replies Moshe.
"Well," she says, "when it’s sliced, it gets hard quicker."
Moshe cries out aloud, "How come everybody knows about this but me?"
(#1417) The promotion
Moshe is the owner of “SHMATTERS R US (GOLDERS GREEN & PARIS) LIMITED”, a hugely successful chain of upmarket menswear shops. One day, Moshe calls in one of his staff and says, "Bernie, when you first joined the company, you started as tea boy. Then, within 3 weeks, I promoted you to assistant to the catering manager and 3 months later you became junior buyer. I promoted you again 6 months later to chief buyer and 2 years after that you became our General Manager. I’ve now decided to retire and after careful deliberation I’ve decided to give you my job as Chairman and Managing Director of the company. What do you say about that?"
"That’s fine," says Bernie.
"Is that all you’ve got to say?" asks Moshe.
"No, you’re right, I’m sorry," replies Bernie, "I should have said, ‘Thank you dad, that’s fine.’"
(#1418) Did I hear right?
Sadie is sitting on a bus in Golders Green when it stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down in front of her and begin to chat. At first, Sadie ignores them but suddenly she hears things she would rather not hear in public. One Italian says to the other,
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"I think you two are disgusting," shouts Sadie. "I think you're both sex maniacs and I've a good mind to call the police. Over here in England, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... "
"Hey, coola down lady," says one of the men, "who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
(#1419) What’s the difference?
[My thanks to Suzy R for the following]
Young Sam asks his father, "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"
His father ponders for a while, then replies, "I suggest you first ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for one million pounds. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for one million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you learned."
"OK, dad," says Sam.
Sam finds his mother and asks, "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for one million pounds?"
She replies, "Absolutely, Sam, how could I miss such an opportunity?"
Sam then goes to his older sister and asks, "Sis, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for one million pounds?"
His sister replies dreamily, "Oh Sam, of course I would, just give me the chance, that’s all I ask."
Over the next few days, Sam thinks a lot about what his mother and sister have said. Then he goes back to his father.
"So Sam," asks his father, "did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
Sam replies, "Yes dad, I learned that potentially we're sitting on 2 million pounds, but realistically we're living with two Koorveh."
"That's my boy," says his father.
(Koorveh: a trollop, a prostitute, a woman who trades on her sexuality for money, gifts or position)
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
New Zealand’s Prime Minister is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone. "PM, it’s the health minister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but we have an emergency. I've just been told that the Durex factory in Auckland has burned to the ground and it’s estimated that the entire New Zealand supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."
"Oh dear," says the Prime Minister, "the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined! We're going to have to ship some in from abroad... how about the UK?"
"No chance," replies the health minister, "the Poms would have a field day on this one."
"What about Australia?" asks the Prime Minister.
"Maybe - but we don't want them to know that we’re in a mess. Why don't you call Ariel Sharon of Israel and tell him we need one million condoms. Tell him they should be ten inches long and eight inches thick. That way he’ll know how big we Kiwis really are."
So the Prime Minister calls Sharon who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need in return for improved diplomatic relations. Three days later an air express van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes. A delighted Prime Minister rushes out, opens one of the boxes and finds what was ordered - condoms 10 inches long and 8 inches thick. But they are all coloured blue and white and then the Prime Minister notices, in small writing on each and every one, “MADE IN ISRAEL: SIZE = MEDIUM.”
(#1421) The big escape
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Sarah, Rebecca and Sadie work in the same Golders Green accounts office and every day they notice their tough and demanding boss Kitty leaving work early. So they decide that when Kitty next leaves early, they would leave right after her. After all, she never phones them or returns to work later on, so how would she know they left early? That afternoon, Kitty leaves early again and within 5 minutes, so do Sarah, Rebecca and Sadie.
Sarah is thrilled to get home early. She does some gardening, plays with her son and goes to bed early.
Rebecca is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym before going out on a dinner date.
Sadie is happy to get home early because she wants to surprise her husband. But when she gets to her bedroom door, she hears muffled noises from inside. She opens the door quietly and is shocked to see her husband in bed with her boss Kitty. Gently, Sadie closes the door and creeps out the house.
Next day, during their coffee break, Sarah and Rebecca agree to leave early again and ask Sadie if she is going to leave with them.
"No way," says Sadie, "I almost got caught by Kitty yesterday and I don’t want to take another chance."
(#1422) Calendar statistics
According to the Jewish calendar, the year is 5766. According to the
Chinese calendar, the year is 4702. This means that the Jews went without Chinese food for 1,064 years. This period was known as the Dark Ages.
(#1423) Purity in motion
Naomi is shopping in Harrods and is looking for a new dress. She sees something she likes and calls over a salesman. "See that pale blue and grey wool designer dress on that dummy over there?" she says.
"Yes, I see it," he replies.
"Well, how much is it?" Naomi asks.
"Madam, that dress over there is £599," he replies.
"Oy veh," says Naomi, "I could get the same dress at Minky’s Shmatters in Hendon for only £50."
"But madam," says the salesman, "our dress is 100% pure English virgin wool, whereas I’m sure you’ll discover that the dress at Minky’s is made from recycled wool."
"So," replies Naomi, "for £549 extra, I should be caring what the lambs do at night?"
(#1424) Wedding plans
Victor and Faye are discussing their impending wedding and during their conversation, the subject of children comes up.
Faye says, "Oh Victor, I just can’t wait to marry you and have at least 3 children. I’ve always wanted a large family."
"That’s too many, darling," says Victor, "two is perfectly ample for me."
Faye then spends ten minutes trying to change Victor’s mind but to no avail. Victor thinks he’s ended the conversation when he announces, "In fact, after our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, Faye responds to this challenge by saying, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
(#1425) Taken from the “Shmatters R
Us” Annual Report and Accounts
"This year, business is so bad that not only are customers staying away in mobs but also the dress manufacturers are firing their sons-in-law."
(#1426) A Yiddish saying
"If I live, I'll see you Monday, if not, Tuesday."
(#1427) The new dog
Rachel is walking down Edgware Road and meets her friend Naomi. Rachel is very surprised to see that Naomi is walking a dog.
"So what’s with the dog, Naomi?" asks Rachel. "I’ve never seen you with a dog before. Is it new?"
"Yes it is," replies Naomi, "I got this dog for my husband. I wish I could make a trade like that everyday."
Q: Who was the first babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A: David - he rocked Goliath to sleep.
(#1429) The money maker
Leah and Sam, both in their seventies, are in financial difficulty. Their savings accounts have been slowly dwindling over recent years and now they have very little left. Sam, of course, blames Leah.
"It's your fault Leah," he says, "you overspend week after week. Now you’ll personally have to go out and find some more gelt (money)."
"But how do you expect me to make money at my age?" asks Leah.
"Well, you could go out on the streets and hustle," replies Sam.
So at 6am next morning, Leah wakes up and goes to work. She doesn’t return until 1am next morning. Sam notices that she is tired looking, dirty and dishevelled - a complete wreck, in fact.
"Well Leah, how did you do?" asks Sam.
"I made £22.50," she replies.
"So tell me already," asks Sam, "who gave you the 50p?"
"Everyone gave me 50p," Leah answers.
(#1430) A marketing decision
Mordechai and his wife Ruth go to Peeler’s Kosher Restaurant in Manchester and order steak and chips. They are served with fantastically tasty, giant sirloin steaks which they think are the best they’ve had for years. They are so excited about their meal that they tell their friends Abe and Rifka about it.
Abe doesn’t believe any meal could be that good, so all four decide to go to Peeler’s next weekend to check it out.
When they get there, they all order sirloin steak and chips. However, much to their disappointment, the waiter brings them very small steaks. Mordechai asks to see the manager.
"I’m very upset with our meals," he says to the manager. "My wife and I were in this restaurant only last week and you served us big juicy steaks. Today, however, just when I've bought my best friends with us, you serve us such small ones."
"Yes, sir, I know," replies the manager. "But last week you were sitting by the
(#1431) What was it like in 5 BC (before
[My thanks to Nat A for the following]
• Memory was something you lost with age(#1432) Please Santa
• An application was for employment
• A program was a TV show
• A cursor used profanity
• A keyboard was a piano
• A web was a spider's home
• A virus was the flu
• A hard drive was a long trip on the road
• A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
• And if you had a 3 inch floppy ....you just hoped nobody ever found out!
(#1433) Hear today, gone tomorrow
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Now that Moshe, Gary and Abe have retired, they enjoy meeting once a week for a round of golf. They are, thank God, all healthy except for having poor hearing.
One day, during a round of golf, Moshe says, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," replies Abe, "it's Thursday."
And Gary says, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
(#1434) A question for the rabbi
Rabbi, am I permitted to ride in an airplane on Shabbos as long as my seat belt remains fastened? Surely it can then be considered as if I’m wearing the plane?
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