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This is the sixtyfifth set of jokes
Itís true, really:
At last the truth is out - men are genetically programmed to be better shoppers than women!
Scientists at Brunel University, UK, have proven what men have been saying to their partners for some time now - that they spend less time browsing, have a far clearer idea of what they want and can navigate shopping trips more quickly and effectively.
The reason for this lies in menís "hunter-gatherer" genes which allows them to be more effective at going in for the "kill" on the high street (just as they did on prehistoric plains millions of years ago). Even their heart rates increase at the moment of purchase (just as they did at the excited climax of a successful Stone Age hunt).
For women, however, shopping tends to be a leisure activity in which the social aspect is important. Compared to men, women tend to shop more often than they need to, visit more shops than necessary and spend longer hours shopping than they need to. Men, on the other hand, try to complete their shopping in the shortest possible time and by being purposeful about this are more efficient in a strictly objective sense, saving time that might be considered squandered.
Women canít even blame National characteristics because the researchers looked at shopping patterns in 14 countries, including Britain, China, France and India and found that the differences between the genders were similar all over the world.
[From article by Jonathan Prynn (Consumer Affairs Editor) published in Evening Standard on 6 October 2005]
(#1395) The son
Victor and Rivkah have always wanted a son to join their two stunningly gorgeous teenage daughters and so attempt for Ďtheirí boy one last time. After months of trying, Rivkah gets pregnant and 9 months later delivers a healthy baby boy.
Victor is at first ecstatic but as soon as he sees his son he is horrified - itís the ugliest baby heís ever seen. He turns to Rivkah and says, "This canít be my son, Rivkah. Anyone can tell this just by looking at the two beautiful daughters Iíve fathered. Have you been unfaithful to me?"
Rivkah smiles sweetly and replies, "No, not this time."
(#1396) The nose job
Moshe, an up and coming actor, has been operated on in a Harley Street clinic to Ďstraightení his nose. 5 days later, as the surgical cast from Mosheís nose is being removed, his surgeon looks at the results and says, "Ah, a thing of beauty and a goy for ever."
(#1397) The amazing robot
Moshe from Edgware builds one of the most advanced talking robots ever invented. This robot can answer just about any question asked of it, whatever the subject. Moshe announces his achievement in the Jewish Chronicle and invites scientists to the launch at the Golders Green Theatre. When the guests arrive, there stood the robot with a sign around its neck: -
ASK ME ANY QUESTION AND IíLL GIVE YOU THE CORRECT ANSWERFor the first 30 minutes, dozens of questions are asked and the robot always gives the correct answer. Everyone is amazed. Then Hymie goes up to the robot and asks, "Where, at this very moment, is my father?"
The phone rings and 80 year old Victor answers it. "Hello," says Victor.
"Can I speak to Moshe please," says the woman caller.
"Iím sorry," says Victor, "but youíve got the wrong number."
"Are you sure?" asks the caller.
"Listen lady," says Victor, "have I ever lied to you before?"
(#1399) The eye test
David leaves London and makes aliyah (emigrates) to Israel. As soon as he settles down in Tel Aviv, he goes to see the local optician.
"Iím having trouble reading," he says, "maybe you could check my eyes?"
The optician agrees and sits David in front of a large eye test chart. "Can you read the letters on the bottom line?" he asks.
"No," replies David.
"So how about the next line up?" asks the optician.
Squinting, David replies, "No, I still canít read them."
"OK," says the optician, "letís start at the top line. Read out the letters please."
"But I canít," says David.
"Are you perhaps a teeny bit blind?" asks the optician.
"Certainly not," replies David, "itís just that Iíve never learned to read Hebrew."
Moshe comes home early from work one day and discovers his wife Clare in bed with his neighbour. Heís angry and bitter and feels very humiliated. So he goes over to his friendís house and says, "Iím going to poison her, Henry."
"I wouldnít do that, Moshe," says Henry, "the police will quickly discover itís you and youíll go to jail for a very long time. Better you should shtup (vulgar for Ďhave sexí) her to death. Itíll be over in 12 months, I guarantee."
Moshe takes Henryís advice and starts to make love to Clare every morning, noon and night without fail. After this has been going on for about a year, Henry goes to visit them.
Clare answers the door and Henry is immediately taken aback by how well she looks. She is literally glowing with health. She takes him into the lounge and there sitting on the sofa is Moshe. And oy veh, does Moshe look bad! His skin is pale, his eyes are sunken in their sockets, heís lost most of his hair and heís shaking all over. When Clare goes into the kitchen to make some tea, Henry says to Moshe, "So how come youíre looking so ill and yet Clare seems so well?"
"Shhh," replies Moshe, "donít talk so loud. She doesnít know it yet but sheís only got a few more weeks to live."
(#1401) How man was created Ė alternative
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
After 4 weeks in the Garden of Eden, God comes to visit Eve. "So Eve, howís everything going?" inquires God.
"Itís all so beautiful," she replies, "the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I have one problem. Itís these breasts youíve given me, the middle one pushes the other two out and Iím constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. Theyíre a real pain. Surely God, since many other parts of my body come in pairs, such as my arms and legs, my ears and my eyes, I feel that having only two breasts will make me more symmetrically balanced."
"Thatís a fair point," replies God, "but it was my first shot at this, donít forget. I gave the animals 6 breasts so I figured that you needed only half of those. But I see that youíre right so Iíll fix it up right away." And God reaches down, removes Eveís middle breast and tosses it into the bushes.
Three weeks pass and God once again visits Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replies, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thinks for a moment and says, "You know, Eve, youíre right once again. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create MAN from a part of you. Now let's see, where did I put that useless boob?"
(#1402) Yom Kippur service
The phone rings at a leading firm of solicitors.
"Levy Minkoff and Rokenson," says the receptionist, in a professional voice, "can I help you?"
"Yes," says the caller, "can I speak to Mr Levy please?"
"Mr Levy is out of the office," says the receptionist, "this is Yom Kippur."
"OK, Ms Kippur, please could you tell him his car is fixed and he can now pick it up."
(#1403) Angry Henry
Henry is broyges (angry) with his wife and is telling his friend Barry why.
"My Dianeís becoming a real sex object these days," says Henry.
"So whatís wrong with that? Why are you complaining?" asks Barry.
"Because," replies Henry, "every time I suggest we have sex, she objects."
(#1404) Conversion procedures
Bernard Levinsky wants to become a British citizen, so he changes his name to Benny Levy and applies for citizenship. After many months of waiting, heís asked to attend court, answer some questions and become, at last, a full British citizen.
Benny stands up to face judge Hodge. "Mr. Levy," says judge Hodge, "before I can grant you citizenship, I must ask you a few questions to confirm for myself that you really are interested in the UK, its government and its rulers. Do you understand?"
"Yes," replies Benny.
"All right, who are the UKís leading political parties?" asks judge Hodge.
"Iím a diamond merchant," replies Benny, "do I have time to worry about political parties?"
"Then who is our current Prime Minister?" asks judge Hodge.
"Thatís simple," replies Benny, "doesnít everyone know the answer?"
"Mr Levy," says judge Hodge, "are you always in a habit of answering questions in such an ambiguous manner?"
"Why shouldnít I?" replies Benny.
Judge Hodge is now getting angry. "Mr Levy," he shouts, "are you willing to swear your allegiance to our Queen, to our future King Charles and to everyone else in the Royal Family?"
"Your honour," replies Benny, "do you really want me to swear in court?"
"Mr Levy," shouts judge Hodge, "please stop answering all my questions with a question. Do you promise to support the Prime Minister and his government?"
"Isnít it enough that I support mine Sarah and my three darling kinder (children)," replies Benny. "You want my blood as well?"
(#1405) The accident
Unfortunately, there has been a terrible accident at the Nuclear Energy plant and three leading nuclear physicists are very badly contaminated. After a specialist has seen them, he declares that they are all dying and none is likely to survive the night. Each is quickly asked for their dying wish.
"What would you like, Pierre?"
Pierre replies, "I would like to meet my President and be awarded the Legion of Honour for my contribution to new energy sources."
"What would you like, John?"
John replies, "I would like to meet our Queen and be knighted for my services to cheap UK energy."
"And what would you like, Moshe?"
Moshe replies, "I would like a second opinion."
(#1406) Oh rabbi!
Ninety year old Abe dies and goes to heaven. The first person he sees there is his own rabbi, Rabbi Bloom, who had died a few months earlier. Abe was shocked to see the rabbi sitting in a heavenly chair with a very busty and tarty-looking blonde on his lap.
"Oh rabbi," cries Abe, "how could you? In all the time I knew you, you were always the most righteous of men. What has happened to you? Why are you acting in such a disgusting way? Is she your Ö.. reward?"
"My dear Abe," replies Rabbi Bloom, "you are unfortunately misreading the situation. She is not my reward, I am her punishment."
(#1407) The helpful tornado
Tornados in the UK are not that rare these days. One such tornado lifts off the roof of a house in Leeds very early one morning, picks up the bed on which Rabbi Gold and his wife Beckie are sleeping and sets them down gently in Manchester.
When Beckie starts to cry, the rabbi tries to comfort her. "Don't be scared, darling," he says, "we're not hurt."
But Beckie continues to cry. "I'm not crying because Iím scared," she says, "I'm crying because Iím happy - this is the first time in years we've been out
together somewhere other than the synagogue!"
(#1408) Zaydehís lament
It was a very cold day when Daniel arrives at his grandparentsí house. Heís greeted by his bubbeh and taken into the lounge. "Whereís zaydeh?" he asks.
"Heís in the garden," she replies.
"But itís cold outside, bubbeh," he says. So Daniel goes into the garden and is shocked to see his grandfather sitting on a terrace chair with nothing on below his waist. "Zaydeh," he cries, "what on earth are you doing undressed on such a cold day?"
His grandfather stares into the distance then turns to Daniel and replies, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your bubbeh's idea."
(#1409) Advice for seniors before making
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
(#1411) Because Iím a man
Now I lay me down to sleep(#1413) More signs on shul bulletin boards
I pray to God my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, please no bags
And lift my toches before it sags.
Please no age spots, please no grey
And as for my belly, please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, please keep me young
And thank you Dear Lord for all that you've done.
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