STOP PRESS
It’s true, really:
At last the truth is out - men are genetically programmed to be better shoppers than women!
Scientists at Brunel University, UK, have proven what men have been saying to their partners for some time now - that they spend less time browsing, have a far clearer idea of what they want and can navigate shopping trips more quickly and effectively.
The reason for this lies in men’s "hunter-gatherer" genes which allows them to be more effective at going in for the "kill" on the high street (just as they did on prehistoric plains millions of years ago). Even their heart rates increase at the moment of purchase (just as they did at the excited climax of a successful Stone Age hunt).
For women, however, shopping tends to be a leisure activity in which the social aspect is important. Compared to men, women tend to shop more often than they need to, visit more shops than necessary and spend longer hours shopping than they need to. Men, on the other hand, try to complete their shopping in the shortest possible time and by being purposeful about this are more efficient in a strictly objective sense, saving time that might be considered squandered.
Women can’t even blame National characteristics because the researchers looked at shopping patterns in 14 countries, including Britain, China, France and India and found that the differences between the genders were similar all over the world.
[From article by Jonathan Prynn (Consumer Affairs Editor) published in Evening Standard on 6 October 2005]

(#1395) The son
Victor and Rivkah have always wanted a son to join their two stunningly gorgeous teenage daughters and so attempt for ‘their’ boy one last time. After months of trying, Rivkah gets pregnant and 9 months later delivers a healthy baby boy.
Victor is at first ecstatic but as soon as he sees his son he is horrified - it’s the ugliest baby he’s ever seen. He turns to Rivkah and says, "This can’t be my son, Rivkah. Anyone can tell this just by looking at the two beautiful daughters I’ve fathered. Have you been unfaithful to me?"
Rivkah smiles sweetly and replies, "No, not this time."

(#1396) The nose job
Moshe, an up and coming actor, has been operated on in a Harley Street clinic to ‘straighten’ his nose. 5 days later, as the surgical cast from Moshe’s nose is being removed, his surgeon looks at the results and says, "Ah, a thing of beauty and a goy for ever."

(#1397) The amazing robot
Moshe from Edgware builds one of the most advanced talking robots ever invented. This robot can answer just about any question asked of it, whatever the subject. Moshe announces his achievement in the Jewish Chronicle and invites scientists to the launch at the Golders Green Theatre.  When the guests arrive, there stood the robot with a sign around its neck: -

ASK ME ANY QUESTION AND I’LL GIVE YOU THE CORRECT ANSWER

(#1398) Honesty
The phone rings and 80 year old Victor answers it. "Hello," says Victor.
"Can I speak to Moshe please," says the woman caller.
"I’m sorry," says Victor, "but you’ve got the wrong number."
"Are you sure?" asks the caller.
"Listen lady," says Victor, "have I ever lied to you before?"

(#1399) The eye test
David leaves London and makes aliyah (emigrates) to Israel. As soon as he settles down in Tel Aviv, he goes to see the local optician.
"I’m having trouble reading," he says, "maybe you could check my eyes?"
The optician agrees and sits David in front of a large eye test chart. "Can you read the letters on the bottom line?" he asks.
"No," replies David.
"So how about the next line up?" asks the optician.
Squinting, David replies, "No, I still can’t read them."
"OK," says the optician, "let’s start at the top line. Read out the letters please."
"But I can’t," says David.
"Are you perhaps a teeny bit blind?" asks the optician.
"Certainly not," replies David, "it’s just that I’ve never learned to read Hebrew."

(#1400) Revenge
Moshe comes home early from work one day and discovers his wife Clare in bed with his neighbour. He’s angry and bitter and feels very humiliated. So he goes over to his friend’s house and says, "I’m going to poison her, Henry."
"I wouldn’t do that, Moshe," says Henry, "the police will quickly discover it’s you and you’ll go to jail for a very long time. Better you should shtup (vulgar for ‘have sex’) her to death. It’ll be over in 12 months, I guarantee."
Moshe takes Henry’s advice and starts to make love to Clare every morning, noon and night without fail. After this has been going on for about a year, Henry goes to visit them.
Clare answers the door and Henry is immediately taken aback by how well she looks. She is literally glowing with health. She takes him into the lounge and there sitting on the sofa is Moshe. And oy veh, does Moshe look bad! His skin is pale, his eyes are sunken in their sockets, he’s lost most of his hair and he’s shaking all over. When Clare goes into the kitchen to make some tea, Henry says to Moshe, "So how come you’re looking so ill and yet Clare seems so well?"
"Shhh," replies Moshe, "don’t talk so loud. She doesn’t know it yet but she’s only got a few more weeks to live."

(#1401) How man was created – alternative version
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
After 4 weeks in the Garden of Eden, God comes to visit Eve. "So Eve, how’s everything going?" inquires God.
"It’s all so beautiful," she replies, "the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I have one problem. It’s these breasts you’ve given me, the middle one pushes the other two out and I’m constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain. Surely God, since many other parts of my body come in pairs, such as my arms and legs, my ears and my eyes, I feel that having only two breasts will make me more symmetrically balanced."
"That’s a fair point," replies God, "but it was my first shot at this, don’t forget. I gave the animals 6 breasts so I figured that you needed only half of those. But I see that you’re right so I’ll fix it up right away."  And God reaches down, removes Eve’s middle breast and tosses it into the bushes.
Three weeks pass and God once again visits Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replies, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thinks for a moment and says, "You know, Eve, you’re right once again. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create MAN from a part of you. Now let's see, where did I put that useless boob?"

(#1402) Yom Kippur service
The phone rings at a leading firm of solicitors.
"Levy Minkoff and Rokenson," says the receptionist, in a professional voice, "can I help you?"
"Yes," says the caller, "can I speak to Mr Levy please?"
"Mr Levy is out of the office," says the receptionist, "this is Yom Kippur."
"OK, Ms Kippur, please could you tell him his car is fixed and he can now pick it up."

(#1403) Angry Henry
Henry is broyges (angry) with his wife and is telling his friend Barry why.
"My Diane’s becoming a real sex object these days," says Henry.
"So what’s wrong with that? Why are you complaining?" asks Barry.
"Because," replies Henry, "every time I suggest we have sex, she objects."

(#1404) Conversion procedures
Bernard Levinsky wants to become a British citizen, so he changes his name to Benny Levy and applies for citizenship. After many months of waiting, he’s asked to attend court, answer some questions and become, at last, a full British citizen.
Benny stands up to face judge Hodge. "Mr. Levy," says judge Hodge, "before I can grant you citizenship, I must ask you a few questions to confirm for myself that you really are interested in the UK, its government and its rulers. Do you understand?"
"Yes," replies Benny.
"All right, who are the UK’s leading political parties?" asks judge Hodge.
"I’m a diamond merchant," replies Benny, "do I have time to worry about political parties?"
"Then who is our current Prime Minister?" asks judge Hodge.
"That’s simple," replies Benny, "doesn’t everyone know the answer?"
"Mr Levy," says judge Hodge, "are you always in a habit of answering questions in such an ambiguous manner?"
"Why shouldn’t I?" replies Benny.
Judge Hodge is now getting angry. "Mr Levy," he shouts, "are you willing to swear your allegiance to our Queen, to our future King Charles and to everyone else in the Royal Family?"
"Your honour," replies Benny, "do you really want me to swear in court?"
"Mr Levy," shouts judge Hodge, "please stop answering all my questions with a question. Do you promise to support the Prime Minister and his government?"
"Isn’t it enough that I support mine Sarah and my three darling kinder (children)," replies Benny. "You want my blood as well?"

(#1405) The accident
Unfortunately, there has been a terrible accident at the Nuclear Energy plant and three leading nuclear physicists are very badly contaminated. After a specialist has seen them, he declares that they are all dying and none is likely to survive the night. Each is quickly asked for their dying wish.
"What would you like, Pierre?"
Pierre replies, "I would like to meet my President and be awarded the Legion of Honour for my contribution to new energy sources."
"What would you like, John?"
John replies, "I would like to meet our Queen and be knighted for my services to cheap UK energy."
"And what would you like, Moshe?"
Moshe replies, "I would like a second opinion."

(#1406) Oh rabbi!
Ninety year old Abe dies and goes to heaven. The first person he sees there is his own rabbi, Rabbi Bloom, who had died a few months earlier. Abe was shocked to see the rabbi sitting in a heavenly chair with a very busty and tarty-looking blonde on his lap.
"Oh rabbi," cries Abe, "how could you? In all the time I knew you, you were always the most righteous of men. What has happened to you? Why are you acting in such a disgusting way?  Is she your ….. reward?"
"My dear Abe," replies Rabbi Bloom, "you are unfortunately misreading the situation. She is not my reward, I am her punishment."

(#1407) The helpful tornado
Tornados in the UK are not that rare these days. One such tornado lifts off the roof of a house in Leeds very early one morning, picks up the bed on which Rabbi Gold and his wife Beckie are sleeping and sets them down gently in Manchester.
When Beckie starts to cry, the rabbi tries to comfort her. "Don't be scared, darling," he says, "we're not hurt."
But Beckie continues to cry. "I'm not crying because I’m scared," she says, "I'm crying because I’m happy - this is the first time in years we've been out
together somewhere other than the synagogue!"

(#1408) Zaydeh’s lament
It was a very cold day when Daniel arrives at his grandparents’ house. He’s greeted by his bubbeh and taken into the lounge. "Where’s zaydeh?" he asks.
"He’s in the garden," she replies.
"But it’s cold outside, bubbeh," he says. So Daniel goes into the garden and is shocked to see his grandfather sitting on a terrace chair with nothing on below his waist. "Zaydeh," he cries, "what on earth are you doing undressed on such a cold day?"
His grandfather stares into the distance then turns to Daniel and replies, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your bubbeh's idea."

(#1409) Advice for seniors before making love
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]

• Put on your glasses ----- then check that your partner is in bed with you
• Set the timer for 2 minutes ----- in case you doze off in the middle
• Set the mood with the proper lighting effect ----- turn them all off
• Before you begin ----- make sure you've got 999 in your telephone’s speed dial
• In case you forget ----- write your partner's name on the back of your hand
• Keep extra polygrip close by ----- to ensure your teeth won't end up on the floor by the bed
• Make all the noise you want ----- after all, your neighbours are deaf too
• If it works ----- call everyone you know with the good news (WARNING: Don't even think about trying it twice)

(#1411) Because I’m a man

• Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman - you never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
• Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries, like milk or bread. Don’t expect me to find exotic items like ‘cumin’ or ‘tofu’. For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, ever expect me to purchase anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
• Because I’m a man, there’s no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always ‘sex’, ‘cars’ or ‘sport’.
• Because I’m a man, I don’t want to visit your mother or have her come visit us or talk to her when she calls or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is OK - I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.
• Because I’m a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. If you're crying at the end of it, chances are I didn't. And if you’re feeling amorous afterwards, then I’ll certainly remember the name and recommend it to others.
• Because I’m a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing 5 minutes ago was also fine.  Either pair of shoes is fine. With or without the belt, it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
• Because I’m a man, and this is the year 2005, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming and the dishes. I'll do the rest, like looking for my socks.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray to God my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, please no bags
And lift my toches before it sags.
Please no age spots, please no grey
And as for my belly, please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, please keep me young
And thank you Dear Lord for all that you've done.

• Under same management for over 5766 years.
• Beat the Rosh Hashanah rush, come to shul this shabbes.
• Don't give up. Even Moses was once a basket case.
• Come early for a good seat.
• What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?
• Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.
• To belittle is to be little.

go to sixtysixth set

BACK TO INDEX PAGE