(#1375) The visitor
One evening, Rabbi Levy is visited by a stranger. "Yes," says the rabbi, "can I help you?"
"Life is very hard for some," says the man. "I thought you should know about the problems facing one of your congregation."
"So tell me already," says the rabbi.
"Well," says the man, "your Mrs Goldman owes a moneylender over £1,000 and she hasn’t got the money to pay him back. She’s being thrown out her house this week, she’s too ill to work and she can’t feed her children."
"It’s a terrible life, indeed," says Rabbi Levy. "Thank you for letting me know. I’ll raise some money from the synagogue straight away – I’ll even donate £100 of my own money.  But tell me, my friend, are you a relative of Mrs Goldman?"
"Don’t be silly, rabbi," says the man, "I’m the moneylender."

(#1376) Bedtime games
Benjy and Hannah are in bed watching, ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ when Benjy turns to Hannah and says, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answers.
"Is that your final answer?" asks Benjy.
"Yes," replies Hannah.
"Then I'd like to phone a friend," says Benjy.

(#1377) A question of flight
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: If they flew over the bay, they'd be "bagels"

(#1378) A good sex life
Sadie and Becky are having coffee one morning whilst discussing life in general. "So how long have you and Harold been married, Becky?" asks Sadie.
"Next week, please God, it will be twenty-five years," replies Becky.
"That’s a long time, Becky," says Sadie. "How’s your sex life been all this time?"
"It’s been OK," replies Becky, "especially the S&M."
"You’re really into S&M?" asks Sadie with surprise.
"Oh yes," replies Becky, "Harold and I have been into S&M for some time now – he snores and I masturbate."

(#1379) The operation results
Immediately following his expensive private operation, Victor awakes and sees his surgeon standing near his bed. He says to the surgeon, "Well, how did it go then?"
"Victor," replies the surgeon, "I have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that we were able to save your testicles."
"Good," says Victor, "and what’s the bad news?"
"They’re under your pillow in a plastic bag," replies the surgeon.

(#1380) Identity problems
"Hello, have I dialled the right number for Benjy?"
"Ahah, mit whom you vish to talk?"
"Benjamin. Is Benjamin Levy at home?"
"Vat! At dis time of the day? Mr Levy is voiking."
"Well OK. Is his daughter Ruth at home then?"
"Ruth is mit boyfriend."
"OK. OK. How about his son Simon? Can I speak to him? Is he at home?"
"Simon? In de hospitel is Simon. He is gute docketor."
"It seems that no one is in. Am I talking to Mrs Levy?"
"Mrs Levy, she shoppink in de supermakkit."
"Well, who am I talking to, then?"
"Dis is Mildred, de au pair."

(#1381) Long lasting medicine
Sadie is 80 years old and is under the care of Doctor Myers. One day, she phones Doctor Myers and says, "Is it true, doctor, the medicine you’ve just prescribed for me must be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes Sadie, I'm afraid it is," replies Doctor Myers.
Sadie thought for a while then continued, "Well then, doctor, I’m wondering just how serious is my condition."
"Why do you ask?" says Doctor Myers.
Sadie replies, "Because on the prescription it says, ‘NO REPEAT PRESCRIPTIONS’."

(#1382) The exact present
Sam was out shopping in Brent Cross shopping centre when he meets his friend Abe outside the jewellers. Sam notices that Abe has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.
"So what have you just purchased Abe?" Sam asks.
"Well, now that you’ve asked," replies Abe, "it’s my Rifka's birthday tomorrow and when I asked her this morning what she wanted for her birthday she said, ‘Oh, I don't know, dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'"
"So what did you get her?" Sam asks.
Abe replies, smiling, "I bought her a pack of cards."

(#1383) Its curtains for you
Becky walks into John Lewis department store's haberdashery department and says to the sales girl, "I'd like a pink curtain for my computer screen, please."
The sales girl is surprised by this request and replies, "But madam, computers don't have curtains."
"Becky says, "Maybe most, but mine’s got Windows!"

(#1384) Groan!
[My thanks to Izzy C for the following]
Motze is a well respected 70-year-old Israeli tour guide who still works every day. He does most of his business with American tourists who have travelled with him before. They all seem to love him because if you ask any of them, they would reply, ‘Motze's tour ya sure oughta see.’

(#1385) New drugs being developed for men
In light of the success of Viagra, chemists are developing a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society. Here are a few of them: -

• DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug was given to 100 men before they went on a car trip. It caused 72 of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of just 2 men.
• PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental drug were far more likely than normal to finish a household repair job before starting on the next.
• COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 out of 100 middle-aged men given this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. The drug is now being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
• BUYAGRA - After taking this drug for only two days, married men reported an urge to buy their wives expensive jewellery and gifts.
• NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug has the effect of making men want to turn off SKY Sport and actually converse with other family members.
• FLATULAGRA - This complex drug makes it more pleasant to take long car trips with certain men.
• FLYAGRA - This drug is showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).
• PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: An accidental overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
• LIAGRA - This drug, which causes men to be more truthful when being asked about their affairs, will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Politician strength versions.

1.  It’s important that a man helps you around the house and has a job
2.  It’s important that a man makes you laugh
3.  It’s important to find a man you can count on and who doesn't lie to you
4.  It’s important that a man loves you and spoils you
5.  It’s important that these four men don't know each other

(#1388) Mr Grumpy
Moshe and Sadie, both in their seventies, are driving to Birchington-on-sea when they decide to stop at a nice country pub for a bite to eat. After finishing their meal, they get back into their car and continue on their journey. But 15 minutes after leaving, Sadie suddenly says, "Moshe, you’ve got to turn around and go back to the pub. I’ve left my glasses on the table there."
"I don’t believe it," Moshe shouts angrily at her, "you silly moo, you’ll forget your head one day."
Moshe turns the car around and starts driving back to the pub. All the way there, he’s grumpy and makes many snide comments like, "Your memory is getting really bad," and "Because of you, we won’t now be able to get to Birchington in time to see the sunset."  Even though the more he rebukes Sadie, the more agitated he becomes, he doesn’t let up for the entire 15 minute drive back to the pub.
To Sadie’s relief, they finally arrive back at the pub. As she gets out of the car and hurries inside to retrieve her glasses, Moshe yells to her, "And while you're in there, Sadie, you might as well get my hat. I left it in the cloakroom."

(#1389) Riddle
Q: Why would the average Jewish woman rather be pretty than smart?
A: Because the average Jewish man can see better than he can think.

(#1390) The sales pitch
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Emanuel was looking for a new job that would best make use of his skills. So one day he tries his hand selling second-hand cars at YINGATSH MOTORS.  Although he has no experience in this field, he is confident that he can succeed. On his first day, he tries to sell cars using the traditional approach by using phrases such as, "This car has only been driven by little old Kitty Cohen to go to Brent Cross shopping centre once a week," and "This car is almost brand new, just like my mum’s Rosh Hashanah hat."
Emanuel uses this approach on every perspective buyer but none believes him and he doesn’t sell a car all day. So next day he changes his sales pitch and sells three cars.
The manager of YINGATSH is so pleased with Emanuel that he calls him into his office and says, "Well done Manny, what did you do to make these sales?"
"Well," replies Emanuel, smiling, "the customers didn't believe my little old lady story so I told them the car was previously owned by Rebecca Love-Gold, a nymphomaniac who only used the back seat."

(#1391) Religious Quickies

• A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending - and they should be as close together as possible.
• Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
• Photons have mass?  I didn't even know they were Catholic.
• I'm convinced that God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I'm so far behind, I don’t think I'll ever die.
• Adam said to Eve, "I'll wear the plants in this family."
• Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?
• On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said, "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."
• And on the seventh day, God said, "Let there be Danish."

(#1393) POEM: The night before Chanukah
[My thanks to BMS for the following]

'Twas the night before Chanukah
and all over the place
There was noise, there was kvetching
Soch ah disgrace!

The kinderlach, sleeping,
uneasily felt
The chocolate rush
from the Chanukah gelt.

And me in the easyboy,
so stuffed with latkes,
I stretched the elastic
which held up my gatkes.

When up on the roof
(and it has a steep pitch)
A fat alter kocker
was making a kvitch.

I jumped up real quick
and I ran to the door,
Was it a bandeet,
or only a shnorrer?

He wasn't alone;
he had eight ferdelach,
And called them by name
as he gave a gebrach:

"On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam,
On Mendel, on Shmendrick, on Feivush, on Ham,
My kidneys are kvelling,
do you give a damn?"

He had a white beard
and payess to boot,
And to keep out the cold,
he had such a nice suit!

A second from Peerless,
I could tell at a glance,
But the cut was okay,
and so were the pants.

He was triple XL,
a real groisser goof,
So I yelled out,
"Meshuggeneh! Get off from mein roof!"

He jumped down and said
as he shook hands with me,
"Max Klaus is the name.
You have maybe some tea?"

So I gave him a gleisel,
while he shook his white mop,
Mutt'ring, "Always the same thing,
They're dreying my kop!"

 From Vancouver to Glacer Bay,
Outremont to Reginek,
Every shmo in the world
hakks meir a cheinik!

They're screaming for presents,
and challah with shmaltz,
And from Brooklyn alone,
the back pain, gevaltz!"

So we sat and yenta’d,
and we spun the old dreydels,
(He took all of my money,
and one of my kanidels)

He said, "Business is not bad,
a living I make,
But I'm getting too old
for this Chanukah fake;

And the cell phones, you see
how my pacemaker dings?
For two cents I'd quit,
and move to Palm Springs?"

And he gave a geshrei
as he fled mit a lacht,
"Gut Yontif to all,
Veh is Mir, such a nacht!"

go to sixtyfifth set

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