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This is the sixtythird set of jokes
(#1355) How to get a man
Ruth is Naomiís only child. Unfortunately Ruth is a rather plain girl and as a result is still single at 30 - she doesnít even have a boyfriend. So naturally, Naomi is getting worried and sees her chance of becoming a bubbeh fading fast. So one day Naomi decides to have a heart-to-heart talk with Ruth.
"Darling," she says, "Iím your mother and I love you, so please donít get angry with me when you hear what I have to say. Iím getting worried about you because you wonít find a nice man by staying at home, night after night, doing nothing but looking sad and watching TV. Believe me, darling, the best thing to do is to advertise yourself in the Jewish Dating Times."
"Oh mum," says Ruth, embarrassed, "I just couldnít do that."
"But you could, darling," says Naomi. "You donít give your name, you just put in a box number where suitors send their details about themselves. And we wonít tell a soul weíre doing it, not even your dad."
After ten further minutes of serious discussion, Naomi gets her way and next day they place the following advert in the paper
CHARMING JEWISH GIRL WITH GSOH, SLIM BUT SHAPELY, POLITE, EXCELLENT EDUCATION, COOKS GREAT MEALS, LOOKING TO MEET KIND, EDUCATED, INTELLIGENT JEWISH MAN WITH VIEW TO MARRIAGE.Then the waiting starts. One week later, a reply drops through the letter box. Ruth picks it up and shouts, "Mum, Iíve got a reply."
WRITE TO BOX 13
(#1356) Youíre a ÖJewish boy?
Naomi is in love with Peter and takes him home to meet her parents, Moshe and Hetty. "Dad," she says, "Iíd like you to meet Peter. Weíre in love and we would like to get married."
It soon became obvious to Moshe that Peter wasnít Jewish. "Now look Peter," says Moshe, "you seem a great person and I can see why my Naomi has fallen for you. But you must understand that we only want Naomi to marry a Jewish boy. Please donít take it personally - itís what my wife and I want."
"I fully understand sir," says Peter. "Naomi and I realised this would be the situation and so Iíve told her Iím willing to convert to Judaism. If I did this, would you then give us your blessing?"
Moshe thinks for a while, then replies, "Yes, I would."
Over the following 12 months, Peter gets circumcised (ouch), joins Mosheís synagogue, goes to Hebrew classes, attends shabbes services and finally takes a 6 week trip to Israel. But when he returns to make arrangements for the wedding, he learns that Naomi has fallen out of love with him. She doesnít now want to marry him. Peter is devastated and goes to Moshe to see whether he can help.
"Moshe," he says, "I agreed to convert and become a real Jew Ė and I have. Iíve been circumcised, Iíve regularly attended shabbes services and I can speak Hebrew as well as anyone. I know all the Jewish customs and I can tell wonderful Jewish jokes. Iím a mensh, but Naomi doesnít want me. What on earth can I do?"
"Marry a shiksa like all the other Jewish boys," replies Moshe.
(#1357) The alternative solution
Sharon is very despondent about her aging looks and makes an appointment to see a plastic surgeon. After he examines her, he recommends she undergo a full face lift.
"Doctor," she says, "what will the operation to give me a full face lift cost?"
"For you," says the doctor, I would estimate £25,000."
"Oy veh, thatís far too much, doctor," she says. "Isnít there something less expensive?"
"Well," replies the doctor, "you could try wearing a veil."
(#1358) Mosheís 3 inventions
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Moshe is an inventor, or at least he thinks he is. After spending many months in his study working on his latest ideas, he rings the Patent Office and books an appointment. When he arrives, the receptionist greets him, "Good morning Mr. Levy. I see youíre booked to meet with one of our consultants to discuss your three new inventions. Before you do so, however, I have to fill in this form. I only need to ask you some basic questions. Is this OK with you?"
"Yes, itís fine, thank you," replies Moshe.
After asking Moshe the usual questions such as name, address, nationality and age, the receptionist goes on to ask, "And what is your first invention, Mr Levy?"
"Iíve invented a folding bottle," replies Moshe, proudly.
"And do you have a name for it?" she asks.
"Yes, I call it a FOTTLE," replies Moshe.
"And whatís your second invention?" she asks, smiling ever so slightly.
"Iíve invented a folding carton," replies Moshe.
"And what do you call that?" she asks.
"I call it a FARTON," replies Moshe.
At that, she canít help laughing as she says, "If I may say so, Mr Levy, those are rather silly names for new products. And the name of your carton is a bit rude too."
Moshe is not prepared to take any further ridicule from her and walks out of the office. He doesnít even tell her about his third invention, his folding bucket.
(#1359) The car sale
Rivkah drives a big Lexus to her local Lexus dealer and tells him she wants to sell it. "How much do you want for it?" he asks her.
"Iíll be happy to accept £100," she replies.
The dealer is very suspicious. Well he would be - the car is almost new and is worth at least £40,000. "Iím not sure I want to take it," he says to Rivkah.
"Donít get worried," says Rivkah, "let me explain. Thereís nothing wrong with the car, as well you know, as you sold it to us only recently. But mine Bernie died two weeks ago and he was having an affair with his shiksa secretary. Iíve just attended the reading of his Will and in it he says his secretary should have the proceeds from selling his car. So here I am."
(#1360) Dangerous liaison
87 years old Nathan is sitting at the bar of his local Senior Citizens Dance Club when in walks Fay. ĎWhat a beauty,í he says to himself. Then he canít believe his luck when she walks over and starts chatting to him. It was love at first site for both of them. After dating for only a few weeks, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, they consummate their marriage with a long and passionate sexy romp. As soon as it ends, Fay notices that Nathan is very quiet and still. She then realises that her new husband has died just as he reached his climax.
At Nathanís funeral, one of Fayís friends comes over to her and says, "I was so shocked to hear the news, Fay. Whatever happened?"
"Nothing much," Fay replies, "he came and he went."
(#1361) Satisfaction guaranteed
One day, sixty year old twins Joshua and Shlomo are having a chat about their sex lives. Joshua says, "I must be honest with you Shlomo, I just canít seem to satisfy mine Esther these days. I try hard, but I donít succeed."
"I donít have that problem, Joshua," says Shlomo. "Every night, just before mine Sadie and I get into bed, I get totally undressed in front of her and say, ĎWell, take a look. Are you satisfied?í Sadie just shrugs and replies, Ďyesí. And thatís it."
(#1362) What money canít buy
During their business lives, Joel, Mordechai and Emanuel did so well that they became millionaires. Now, in retirement, they meet up in one of the most expensive hotels in the world, the ĎMazuma Mit Mazelí Hotel, no less. During their conversation, it soon becomes clear that they all have problems with deteriorating body parts.
"Itís unfair," says Joel. "Now that I have money and Iím a widower, I could go with any of the beautiful women who come here looking for a husband. But because of my poor eyesight, Iím unable to see whoís beautiful and whoís not."
"I know what you mean," says Mordechai. "Now that I have money, I could order anything from the 7 star Michelin restaurant here Ė lobster, caviar, even the most expensive champagne they sell, Krug's ĎClos du Mesnilí, but my doctor tells me that I must stick to things such as sardines, water biscuits, spinach and milk. With me itís my bad stomach."
"I too have a problem," says Emanuel. "Take last night, for example. Iím in bed and feeling frisky so I ask mine Sarah to roll over onto her back. But she says to me, ĎOh no, not again, you canít be serious - we just made love for the third time only 10 minutes ago. So you see, guys, with me itís my memory."
Abe is sunbathing in his back garden in Golders Green one Sunday afternoon when a small spaceship appears out of nowhere and lands near him. A strange looking spaceman gets out, walks over to Abe and says, "Take me to your leader."
"I canít," replies Abe, "mine Hetty is in Bournemouth with the grandchildren."
(#1364) Knowledge is a dangerous thing
Peter is a street trader who has set up his pitch right outside the Golders Green synagogue. One day Jed, a friend of Peter and also a trader, happens to walk past the synagogue and sees Peter. "Hey Peter, I hear youíre doing very well here. Whatís your secret then?"
"Itís easy," replies Peter, "when one of my clients comes out of the synagogue, I always say something like, Ďgood shabbes Mr Levy, how was the kiddush?í or Ďgood yontif Mr Cohen, how was the service today?í"
"But how do you remember all these words?" asks Jed.
"Itís easy," says Peter, pointing to his head, "I keep them right up here in my toches."
(#1365) Lunch appointment
70 year old Sidney opens his eyes and sees a lovely lady in white staring at him. "Where am I?" he says.
"Youíre in the Middlesex hospital, Mr Green," she replies. "You had a nasty car crash 4 days ago and youíve been unconscious ever since you were brought in. But donít worry about anything Ė youíre in a great hospital and weíve got the best doctor looking after you."
"4 days, eh?" says Sidney, "itís no wonder Iím so hungry. So bring me a hot salt beef sandwich on rye with mustard and a new green cucumber and some latkes on the side."
"Iím sorry, your doctor has instructed me not to feed you with any solids," says the nurse. "Youíre being fed rectally. Do you see that large tube down there? If you follow it, youíll find it is stuck up your back passage."
"Well then," says Sidney, "If this really is the best hospital with the best equipment, please bring me two more tubes tomorrow. Then I would very much like to invite you and my doctor to join me for lunch."
(#1366) Someone, somewhere said these
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
(#1368) What an angel
Sadie has been married for five years and is pleased when her husband Issy starts to call her Ďan angelí. She likes compliments as much as the next woman, but after it goes on for a few weeks, Sadie asks Issy, "Why do you call me an angel, dear?"
"Because," replies Issy, "youíre always up in the air, youíre continually harping on about something and you never have a thing to wear."
(#1369) Kind wishes
Henry says to Alan, "You should live, please God, to 120 years plus 3 months."
"Thank you Henry," says Alan, "but why the 3 months?"
"Because," replies Henry, "I wouldnít want you to die suddenly."
(#1370) Wrong one
Kitty and Anna, two elderly ladies, are having a bite to eat in Brent Cross shopping centre one day when Anna notices something odd and takes a long hard look at Kittyís right ear. "Kitty," she says, "do you know that you've got a suppository sticking out of your right ear?"
"You say I have a suppository in my ear?" replies Kitty, "so let me see already."
Kitty pulls it out, stares at it for a while, then says, "Anna, I'm so glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
(#1371) A question of noodles
Aharon asks his friend Monty, "Tell me, Monty, youíre a clever guy. This has been puzzling me for years. Why do we call noodles Ďnoodlesí?"
"Well," says Monty, "itís simple, really. Theyíre soft like noodles, arenít they? Theyíre also long like noodles, arenít they? And they certainly taste like noodles, donít they? So why shouldnít we call them noodles?"
(#1372) Why I love children
Rivkah is trying hard to get the tomato ketchup to come out of the bottle. As she is banging the bottom of the bottle the phone rings, so she asks her 4-year-old Faye to answer it.
"Mummy, it's the rabbi," shouts Faye. But before Rivkah can get to the phone, Faye says to the rabbi, "My mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
(#1373) Do you want the good news
or bad news?
Nathan and Hannah are celebrating Nathanís 50th birthday on a cruise ship. Suddenly, on the evening of the 4th day, whilst they are standing at the back of the ship watching the moon, a storm develops from out of nowhere and a wave comes up and washes Hannah over the side. She canít swim and although they search for her all day, they canít find her. At their next port of call, the captain sends Nathan ashore and promises that he will call him should they find something.
Three weeks go by when finally Nathan gets a fax from the captain. It reads: -
FAX from the captain to Nathan:Immediately, Nathan sends the following fax back to the captain: -
Iím sorry to have to inform you that when our deep sea divers went looking for your wife, they found her dead at the bottom of the ocean. But thereís some good news. When we hauled her up to the deck, attached to her toches was an oyster and in it was a large pearl which I have had valued at £30,000. Please advise.
FAX from Nathan to the captain:(#1374) The best friends
Please send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
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