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This is the sixtyfirst set of jokes
(#1315) The promise
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Moshe is driving to Golders Green where he has an important meeting to attend. But when he gets there, he can’t find a place to park. He drives around, he waits, he even tries a bit farther away, but all in vain. So in desperation he looks up at the sky and says, "Oh Lord, if you will find me a parking place in the next five minutes, I promise you I will stop gambling, I’ll eat only kosher food, I’ll stop going with shiksas and I’ll observe shabbes properly."
Almost immediately, he sees a car pulling out of its parking place and quickly takes its place. Again Moshe looks up at heaven and says, "Oh Lord, there’s no need for you to find me a parking place - I've already found one."
(#1316) Not like me
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Max leaves his house to hail a taxi and almost immediately finds one. As he gets in, the cabbie says, "Perfect timing, just like Hymie."
"Who’s Hymie?" asks Max.
"Hymie Gold, of course," says the cabbie, "now there's someone who got what he wanted - like a taxi just when he needed it. Not like me - I always have to wait ages when I need something."
"No one’s perfect," says Max.
"Except Hymie," says the cabbie. "Hymie was a great athlete and could have played football for Arsenal. Not like me - I’m just a couch potato."
"So am I," says Max.
"And," says the cabbie, "Hymie danced like Astaire. Not like me – I’ve got two left feet."
"Sounds like Hymie was really someone special," says Max.
"You can say that again," says the cabbie. "He even remembered everyone’s birthday. Not like me - I always forget important birthdays and anniversaries. And Hymie could fix anything in the house. Not like me - if I change a fuse, the whole neighbourhood has a power failure."
"Wow," says Max, "there aren’t many men around like Hymie."
The cabbie continues. "And Hymie knew how to treat a woman. He could always make her feel good and never answered her back even if she was in the wrong. Not like me - I’m always getting into arguments with my wife."
"What an amazing person," says Max, "how did you meet him?"
"Well, I never actually met Hymie," replies the cabbie.
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Max.
"I married his widow," replies the cabbie.
(#1317) A father’s memory
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Benjy is visiting Brent Cross shopping centre one day when a beautiful woman comes up to him and with a smile on her face says, "Hello!"
Benjy looks at her and can’t remember seeing her before.
Noticing the blank look on his face, she thinks she must be mistaken and apologizes. "I'm really sorry," she says, "but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children." She then walks away.
Benjy at first thinks, "What’s the world coming to when a woman can't keep track of the fathers of her children?"
Then he panics, thinking, "But just because I don't remember her, what if she was at one of the wild parties I attended when I was at University? Maybe I did father her child."
So he catches up with her and asks, "Are you the girl I met at a party at Oxford University and then we got really drunk and had wild sex behind the boat house?"
"Oh no", she replies, with a horrified look on her face, "I'm your son's second grade teacher."
(#1318) What men are like
[My thanks to Henry M for the following]
• Men are like …Laxatives …They irritate the sh*t out of you.(#1319) Satire
• Men are like …Bananas …The older they get, the less firm they are.
• Men are like …Weather …Nothing can be done to change them.
• Men are like …Chocolate …Sweet, smooth & usually head for your hips.
• Men are like …Commercials …You can't believe a word they say.
• Men are like …Department Stores …Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
• Men are like …Government Bonds …They take sooooooo long to mature.
• Men are like …Mascara …They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
• Men are like …Popcorn …They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
• Men are like …Snowstorms …You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
• Men are like …Lava Lamps …Fun to look at, but not very bright.
• Men are like …Parking Spaces …All the good ones are taken.
(#1320) Wedding night advice
Joe is talking to his soon-to-be-married son Abe. "Let me give you some advice, Abe. On my wedding night, I took off my trousers, handed them to your mother and said, ‘Here try these on.’ Your mother did as she was told and said, ‘These are too big - I can't wear them.’ So I said to her, ‘And don’t you forget it. I wear the trousers in our house and always will.’ Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."
Abe thought this was such good advice that on his honeymoon, he takes off his trousers and says to his bride, "Here Rifka, try these on."
She does, then says, "But these are too large - they don't fit me."
Abe says, "Exactly. I wear the trousers in our house and always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
So Rifka takes off her panties, hands them to Abe and says, "Here, you try on mine."
Abe tries but has to admit, "I can't get into your panties."
Rifka responds, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."
(#1321) Regular sex
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Hyman and Sadie, an elderly couple, go for their annual medical. Hyman goes in first and after examining him, doctor Cohen says, "You appear to be in good health, Hyman. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss?"
"Yes I do," says Hyman. "After I have sex with mine Sadie, I’m usually hot and sweaty and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I’m usually cold and chilly."
"That’s odd," says doctor Cohen, "I’ll ask Sadie about it when I check her out."
Soon it was Sadie’s turn. After examining her, doctor Cohen says, "Everything appears to be fine, Sadie. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"No doctor," she replies.
Doctor Cohen then says, "Hyman has an unusual problem. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time and then cold and chilly after the second time. Can you think of why this might be?"
"Oh that stupid shmuck of a husband of mine," Sadie replies, "it's because we have sex only twice a year - once in the summer and once in the winter."
(#1322) Open-and shut case
Nathan is talking to his solicitor. "Here’s the deal, Abe. If you’re absolutely sure I’ll win the case, I’ll give you the business."
"OK," replies Abe, "but before I can give you my opinion, I obviously need to know the facts."
So Nathan goes into great detail about his failed partnership and ends up saying, "So now you’ve heard everything, do you think I can sue my partner and get my money back?"
"Well," replies Abe, "from what I’ve just heard, it’s clear to me that you will win. It’s rare to have such an open-and-shut case."
Nathan goes very white when he hears this.
"What’s the matter?" asks Abe.
"I told you my partner’s side of the case," replies Nathan.
(#1323) The head strike
Moshe and his friend Issy were half way through a round of golf when a golf ball arrives out of nowhere and strikes Moshe on the back of his head. "Gevalt." Moshe cries out, rubbing the back of his head.
Almost immediately, Hymie arrives to apologise. But Moshe is having none of it.
"You call yourself a golfer?" yells Moshe. "If I had my way, I’d ban you from every North London golf club. Do you see what you’ve done to me? My head is bleeding. I’m going to call my solicitor as soon as I get to the clubhouse. I’ll sue you for £5,000."
"But … but," says Hymie, "didn’t you hear me? I shouted FORE."
"OK," says Moshe, "I’ll take it."
(#1324) The flower streaker
[My thanks to Yvonne S for the following]
Rachel and Fay, two old ladies, are sitting on a bench outside Hendon Town Hall where a flower show is taking place.
Fay leans over to Rachel and says, "Don’t you think life has got very boring? I just don’t seem to have fun anymore. You know what? For £10, I'd take off my clothes and run naked right through that stupid flower show over the road."
"You're on," says Rachel, holding up a £10 note.
So Fay fumbles her way out of her clothes as fast as she can. Then, completely naked, she streaks across the road and into the front door of the flower show, leaving Rachel wondering what will happen next. Rachel doesn’t have long to wait. She hears a huge commotion inside the town hall, followed by loud applause. Then Fay, still naked, bursts out of the building and, followed by a cheering crowd, runs back over to her friend.
"Nu, so what happened?" asks Rachel.
"I won the first prize as Best Dried Arrangement," replies Fay.
(#1325) What a day
One afternoon Max comes home from work to find total mayhem. His two young children are in the front garden, naked, soaking wet and playing with the garden hose. There is food all over the lawn, rubbish spilled everywhere and some of their plants have been pulled up and are lying on the path.
The front door to their house is wide open and there’s no sign of their dog. As Max enters his house, he finds an even bigger mess. The nest of tables are lying on their sides, all the vases have been knocked over and wet flowers are on the floor, the armchair cushions are lying where they were thrown and one of the children has been sick over the carpet. The TV is blaring out and the children’s room is strewn inches deep with toys and various items of clothing.
Max goes into the kitchen and finds the sink full of unwashed dishes from the morning’s breakfast, none of the food has been cleared up, the fridge door is wide open and there’s dog food on the floor.
He’s quite worried by now and heads up the stairs to look for his wife Fay. He has to step over yet more toys and piles of clothes. He’s worried Fay might be ill, or even worse.
As Max passes the bathroom, water is trickling under the door and into the hall. So he peers inside and sees wet towels, spilt bath oils, his shaver lying on the floor and toothpaste smeared everywhere. He turns off the bath tap and rushes to his bedroom. There he finds Fay.
She’s curled up in bed, still in her pyjamas and reading a book. She smiles at him and says, "How did your day go, darling?"
Max looks at her bewildered and asks, "What happened here today, Fay?"
She again smiles, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes," he replies.
"Well," says Fay, "today I didn't do it."
(#1326) A holy event
Did you hear about Rivkah who divorced her bagel maker husband and re-married a poet?
She went from batter to verse.
(#1327) Birthday wishes
Maurice and Hettie are out shopping one morning when Hettie says, "Darling, it’s my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric."
Maurice replies, "How about a chair?"
(#1328) Jewish Mothers
• Mothers only offer advice twice, when you want it and when you don’t.(#1329) The Jewish Princess Recipe Book
• A mother’s love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.
• Your mother is the only person who knows more about you than you know about yourself.
• If you can’t remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn’t.
• The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.
• If you forget, your mother will remind you of all your mistakes so you don’t repeat them.
• Anything you do can be criticized by your mother - even doing nothing.
• You can’t "out mother" your mother. Don’t even try.
• Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.
• The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.
• The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.
• Mother’s way is best. If you don’t believe it, ask her.
(#1330) The barmitzvah space boy
Abe had done very well in business and had amassed a small fortune. Now he was looking to create the most unique and spectacular barmitzvah ever for his son David. But what should it be? He dismissed the Barmitzvah Safari – too many families had already done it. But then, after much investigation, Abe was sure he had cracked it – he would rent a spaceship and David would be the first barmitzvah space boy. He started on the plans immediately.
In due course, the spaceship took off with his family and friends (and his Rabbi, of course) on board. When they returned, the media was there to find out how the journey had gone.
The first person off the shuttle was the bubbeh.
"How was the service, grandma?" asked the Jewish Chronicle reporter.
"OK," she replied.
"And how was David’s speech?"
"So how was the food?"
"Everything was just OK? Why aren’t you more enthusiastic? What went wrong?"
"There was no atmosphere."
(#1331) The miser
Jonathan had worked hard all his life and had saved most of his earnings. He was a real miser when came to his money, which he loved more than just about anything.
Just before he died, Jonathan said to his wife, "Now listen, Sarah, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the coffin with me. Please do this because I want to take my money with me to the afterlife. Promise me."
She promised she would.
Finally the day came when Jonathan died. At his funeral, Sarah was with her best friend Rebecca. After they had buried him, Rebecca said to Sarah, "I hope you weren't stupid to put all that money in there with Jonathan."
Sarah replied, "Well, I promised him - I'm a good Jew and I can't lie. I promised him that I would put that money in with him."
"You mean to tell me," said Rebecca, "you put every penny of his money in the coffin with him?"
"I sure did," said Sarah, "I got it all together, put it into my bank account and wrote him out a cheque."
(#1332) The Harrow marathon
[My thanks to Michael W for the following]
Sadie from Harrow is having a daytime affair while her husband Cyril is at work. One wet and rainy day she’s in bed with her boyfriend Morris when to her horror she hears Cyril’s car pull into the driveway. She looks out the window and yells to Morris, "Quick, jump out the window, my husband's home early."
"I can't jump out the window - it's raining," says Morris.
"If my Cyril catches us together, he'll kill us both," she says. "He's got a jealous temper and a large gun. The rain is the least of your problems."
So Morris gets out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he begins running down the street in the pouring rain, he discovers he’s run right into the middle of the Harrow Marathon. There’s not much he can do but continue to run alongside the real runners. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tries to blend in as best he can. After a while, a group of runners who have been studying him with some curiosity, jog closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" asks one of them.
"Oh yes," replies Morris, gasping for air, "it feels so wonderfully free."
Another runner moves alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes," Morris answers, breathlessly, "that way I can quickly get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."
Then a third runner casts his eyes a little lower down and asks Morris, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Oh no," replies Morris, "only when it's raining."
(#1333) Early suspicion
Adam has been staying out very late for a few nights and Eve becomes quite upset. "What's wrong, darling?" he asks her.
"You're seeing another woman," she replies.
"Eve, darling, you're totally wrong," says Adam. "You know you're the only woman on earth for me."
They continue to argue until Adam falls asleep. But then he is suddenly woken up by a strange pain in his chest. He looks up and sees Eve poking him very vigorously.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks Adam angrily.
"I’m counting your ribs," replies Eve.
(#1334) Shortest fairy tale ever
[My thanks to Simon C for the following]
Once upon a time a man asked a Jewish Princess from Golders Green, "Will you marry me?"
She said, "No."
And the man lived happily ever after.
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