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This is the sixtieth set of jokes
(#1295) Reception meeting
[My thanks to Ian for the following]
Yossel the Hassid is in London on business. Itís now one hour to shabbes and heís all dressed up in his special shabbes clothes ready to go to a local shul. He takes the lift to the ground floor and walks towards the exit. As he reaches the reception area, he sees a stunning British Airways air hostess with blond hair and a face and figure he could die for. She has just checked in. As soon as she sees Yossel, she stops in her tracks and walks quickly over to him.
"Hello," she says to him.
"Hello to you too," he says.
"I have a confession to make," she says.
"What is it?" he asks.
"I have a sexual fantasy," she says.
"Nu, so go on," he says.
"Iíve always wanted to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis and my fingers through his beard, play with his peyess, eat kichel with him, poke my finger in his puppik, remove his gatkes, play with his shlong and then shtup. So I want you to join me now. I have a room upstairs just waiting for us. What do you say?"
Yossel looks at her thoughtfully and says, "And what's in it for me?"
(#1296) After my check-up
[My thanks to Daniel S for the following]
Moshe and his friends Abe, Max and Nathan meet at Brent Cross shopping centre for a coffee - as they do every Monday. They sit down and Moshe starts to discuss the importance of regular medical check-ups. He asks his friends, "So when did you all last have a medical?" All reply it was years ago. So Moshe tells them of doctor Myers, a wonderful doctor he went to and who gave him the best examination heís ever had. He suggests they each contact doctor Myers and book a check-up ASAP. They agree to do so and take down the doctorís phone number.
The following Monday, Moshe asks his friends, "Nu, how went the medicals?"
"After my check-up," says Abe, "doctor Myers asked me how old I was. I said I was seventy and he said I could expect to live another 30 years. I was so relieved and happy to hear that."
"After my check-up," says Max, "doctor Myers also asked me how old I was. When I said I was eighty he said I could expect to live another 20 years. You canít believe how fantastic it was for an eighty-year old to hear that."
Nathan is looking very sad and doesnít say anything at first. But Moshe eventually persuades him to discuss how his medical went. "Being older than all of you," says Nathan, "I have been loathe to see a doctor. But when Moshe told us of doctor Myers, I reluctantly booked to see him. After my check-up, the doctor asked me how old I was. When I said I was ninety, he looked at me and said, ĎThanks for coming. Have a nice day.í"
(#1297) Heavenly home
[My thanks to Ian $ Oz for the following]
Yitzhak and Sharon have been eating the healthiest and most organic of foods for over 10 years Ė mainly at the insistence of Sharon. She also ensures that they regularly attend keep fit classes, so although they are in their 80s, they are both in excellent health. But their good health doesnít help them when their car collides with a lorry on the M25 motorway and theyíre both killed.
When they reach Heaven, a guide takes them to a beautiful house, furnished in gold and fine silks. All their favourite clothes are hanging in the bedroomís wardrobes and the kitchen is fully stocked. There is even a waterfall in the houseís extensive grounds. Yitzhak and Sharon are thrilled when the guide says, "Welcome to your new home."
In their previous life, they were not very well off and survived by watching their pennies, so Yitzhak asks, "How much is this going to cost?"
"Nothing," replies the guide, "this is your reward in Heaven."
Yitzhak looks out the window. To the left of the waterfall is a golf course, more beautiful than any heíd seen on Earth. "What are the green fees?" he asks.
"This is heaven," replies the guide, "you can play for free, every day."
The guide then takes them into to the clubhouse. "Wow!" says Yitzhak, when he sees the lavish buffet lunch laid out before them. There is every kind of food, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, and plenty of alcohol.
"Don't even ask," says the guide, "this is Heaven, itís all free for you to enjoy."
Yitzhak looks around, glances nervously at Sharon and asks, "Where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated coffee?"
"That's the best part," replies the guide, "you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and youíll never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
Yitzhak says "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," replies the guide.
"No testing of my sugar, cholesterol or blood pressure?"
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself," replies the guide.
On hearing all this, Yitzhak glares at Sharon and says, "If it wasnít for your stupid bran cereals, your yucky unsweetened green teas, your tasteless unsalted crisps, your silly small portions, your watery alcohol-free Kiddush wine and your mind-numbingly low fat everything, we could have been here ten years ago!"
(#1298) Biblical riddles - 2
Q: How did Adam & Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A: They were really put out.
Q: What did Adam tell his kids as to why
he no longer lived in Eden?
A: Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q: The ark was built in 3 stories
and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light
to the bottom 2 stories?
A: They used flood lights.
Q: Who was the greatest babysitter
mentioned in the Bible?
A: David - he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q: Why was Goliath so surprised when David
hit him with a slingshot?
A: The thought had never entered his head before.
Q: If Goliath is resurrected, would you
tell him the joke about David & Goliath?
A: No, he already fell for it once.
Q: Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker
in the Bible?
A: Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
(#1299) Another riddle
Q: What brocheh does one say before taking Viagra?
A: There is a choice of three blessings:
1. Boruch Atah Hashem zokeif k'fuffim - Staighten those who are bent.
2. Boruch Atah Hashem ya'aleh v'yovo - Arise and come.
3. Boruch Atah Hashem Mechayei hameitim - Raise the dead.
(#1300) The fishing trip
Lionel, Benny, Max and Hyman are out fishing early one Sunday morning. After an hour of fishing, Lionel suddenly breaks the silence and says, "You three have no idea what I had to do before I could come out fishing today. I had to promise my Rivkah that I would decorate our bedroom next Sunday."
"That's nothing," says Benny, "I had to promise my Leah that I would build her a new terrace by the swimming pool."
"Well," says Max, "you both had it easy. I had to promise my Sharon that I would completely refit our kitchen with new mahogany cupboards and the latest state of the art equipment."
But Hyman has not said a word so they ask him what he did to come out fishing. Hyman replies, "I just set my alarm for 5.30 am. When it went off, I gave my Faye a firm nudge and said, ĎFishing or Sex?í She replied, "Donít forget your sweater."
(#1301) Medical disciplines
Itís the funeral of Moshe the cardiologist and Avrahom and Hymie are there to pay their last respects. Behind Mosheís coffin stands a huge red heart covered in hundreds of flowers. Following the eulogy, the heart suddenly opens, the coffin moves slowly inside and the heart shuts, enclosing Moshe inside the beautiful heart forever. Avrahom immediately bursts out laughing.
"Whatís so funny?" asks one of the congregation.
"I'm sorry," replies Avrahom, "but I canít help thinking of my own funeral - I'm a gynaecologist."
Hymie, the proctologist, then faints.
(#1302) How sad
[My thanks to Henry M for the following]
Moshe meets his friend in Hendon. "Hi Abe, how are things with you?"
"OK, I suppose," replies Abe, rather gloomily.
"So why the long face?" asks Moshe.
ďBecause I just found a full pay packet in the gutter, thatís why," answers Abe.
"Well surely thatís no reason to be miserable?" says Moshe.
"It is - when you see how much the Inland Revenue has taxed me," replies Abe
(#1303) Prevention policy
Nathan goes to see his doctor. After a lengthy examination the doctor sighs, looks Nathan in the eye and says, "I've some bad news for you, Nathan. You have an incurable cancer. I suggest you quickly put your affairs in order."
Nathan is initially shocked. But then, being a calm, solid character, he composes himself and quietly leaves the doctor's office. His son Max is waiting for him.
"Max," says Nathan, "we Jews celebrate when things are good and we sometimes celebrate when things are not so good. In my case, Max, things aren't so good - I have cancer. So I suggest we go to my golf club for a few drinks."
4 or 5 glasses of whiskey later, the two are feeling a little less sad. Then, after a few laughs and some more glasses of whiskey, they are approached by two of Nathan's club mates, curious as to what Nathan and Max are celebrating.
Nathan tells them, "Guys, weíre drinking to my impending death. Iíve been diagnosed with AIDS."
His club mates are shocked. They give Nathan their condolences, have a couple of beers and leave. Max then says, "Dad, you tell me youíre dying of cancer yet you tell your friends youíre dying of AIDS. I donít understand."
Nathan replies, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mum after Iím gone."
(#1304) Adult hide and seek
[My thanks to Nat A for the following]
Mary and Naomi arrive at the pearly gates at the same time and soon start to discuss how they died. Mary says, "I froze to death."
"Oy veh! What a horrible way to die," remarks Naomi.
"It wasn't so bad, really," says Mary, "After I stopped shaking from the cold, I began to feel warm and sleepy and not long after, I died quite peacefully. What about you? How did you die?"
Naomi replies, "I died of a massive heart attack."
"So how did it happen?" asks Mary.
"I felt sure that mine Bernie was cheating on me with a shiksa, so I came home early to try to catch them in the act. But when I crept into the house, I found Bernie alone watching TV."
"So then what happened?" asks Mary.
Naomi replies, "Well, I was sure there was another woman somewhere in the house so I started running all over the place looking for her. I ran upstairs and searched every one of my 8 bedrooms and their en-suite bathrooms, checking under every king-sized bed. I searched the games room and then ran downstairs into the garage and looked inside our Bentley convertible. I went through every room in the house checking every cupboard and looking behind every designer curtain. I even went into our loft. I was running around like a meshuggeneh. Finally, exhausted and stressed, I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."
"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer," says Mary. "If you had, we'd both still be alive."
(#1305) Alexís bubbehís favourite sayings
(translated from the Yiddish-Russian slang)
[My thanks to Alex S for the following]
ē The length of Ďa minuteí depends on which side of the toilet door you are.
ē (to her daughter): Ďplease lower your voice to a plain scream.í
ē (about results of her facelift): ĎNow Iíve got only one wrinkle and I sit on it.í
(#1306) The delivery
The new postman is delivering a registered parcel and needs a signature so he rings the doorbell. Sadie sticks her head out of the bedroom window and says, "Nu, what is it?"
"I have a registered parcel for Mrs Levy," he replies.
"Is it wrapped in fancy gift paper or just plain brown paper?" Sadie asks.
"Ordinary brown paper, madam," he replies.
"So who is it from?" Sadie asks.
"Itís from John Lewis department store, madam," he replies.
"Does it say from which branch?" Sadie asks.
"Yes, madam," he replies, "itís from Oxford Street."
"Does it say whatís in it?" Sadie asks.
"It says itís from their Writing Instruments department," he replies. "Will you now come down and sign for it, please."
"Sorry," replies Sadie, "I canít do that."
"Why not?" he asks.
"Because," Sadie replies, "Iím Sadie Cohen. Mrs Levy lives next door."
(#1307) The rabbiís sermons
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
The shabbes service finishes and the congregation is invited to a kiddush in the shul hall. During the kiddush, Mordechai goes over to Rabbi Bloom, shakes his hand and says, "Rabbi, you gave a good sermon today - you should have it published."
"Thank you," says Rabbi Bloom, "but just between you and me, Iím planning to have all my sermons published posthumously."
"Thatís good news," says Mordechai, "and the sooner the better."
(#1308) The handywoman
Rivkah, a beautiful blonde, is fed up being typecast by men as silly, useless, and starry-eyed. "Iím as good as most men I meet," she says to herself and makes a decision to prove it - she will earn some decent money by hiring herself out as a handyman.
First thing next morning, Rivkah begins canvassing the wealthy Hampstead neighbourhood and starts by ringing the bell of the first house in the first road she comes to. This happens to be Moshe and Leahís house. When Moshe opens his door, Rivkah asks him if he has any jobs for her to do. "Well, my porch needs painting. How much will you charge me?"
Rivkah thinks for a while, then replies, "£40."
"OK," says Moshe, "youíre hired. Youíll find the paint, paintbrushes, primers, scrapers and other such tools in my garage. Itís not locked."
When Rivka goes into the garage, Leah says to Moshe, "Do you think the girl realises that we have a very large porch?"
"Thatís up to her to have found out," replies Moshe, "letís leave her to it."
Thirty minutes later, Rivkah knocks on the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" asks Moshe.
"Yes," replies Rivkah, "and as I had paint left over, I gave it an extra coat."
Impressed, Moshe reaches into his pocket for his wallet. But before he could pull it out, Rivkah says, "And by the way, it's not a Porch, It's a Ferrari."
(#1309) Furniture moves
Rivkah gets into work late one Monday morning and goes to see her boss to apologise. "Iím sorry Iím late, but I had to move some furniture this morning before I came into work. In fact my back is killing me after my efforts."
"So why didnít you wait until your husband gets home tonight?" asks her boss.
"I could have," says Rivkah, "but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."
(#1310) The funeral procession
One morning, as Sarah is leaving Starbucks with her usual take-away coffee, she notices an unusual funeral procession coming along the road towards her. At the front is a large black hearse and 20 yards behind this is a second black hearse. A solitary woman is walking behind the second hearse with an Alsatian on a lead. Behind the woman are 50 other women walking single file.
Sarah is very curious and goes over to the woman with the dog and says, "Iím sorry about your loss."
"Thank you," says the woman, "youíre very kind."
"I know itís a bad time to ask," says Sarah, "but whose funeral is this?"
"Itís my husband's funeral," replies the woman.
"So what happened to him?" asks Sarah.
The woman replies, "My dog attacked and killed him."
"And who is in the second hearse?" asks Sarah.
The woman answers, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?" asks Sarah.
"Go to the back of the line," replies the woman.
(#1311) Women's prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for: -
Wisdom - to understand a manBecause, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death
Love - to forgive him, and
Patience - for his moods
(#1312) The hot spot
Unusually for a mid August day in Golders Green, itís very, very hot. Sadie has been busy. Sheís washed the floor, made the eveningís roast meal and taken the washing out of the washing machine and hung them up. Then she leaves the house to go pick up some dry cleaning. As Sadie walks to the shops, sheís perspiring profusely so when she comes to a pub, she says to herself, "Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today, so vy nodt? I must go ged a drink or Iíll pass out."
She enters. When the bartender asks what she would like to drink, all she can think of is a cold beer, her Nathanís favourite drink when heís hot. So she replies, "Ya know, it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."
"Anheuser Busch?" asks the bartender.
Sadie blushes and replies, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yu pecker?"
(#1313) The stupid golfer
[My thanks to Hilary for the following joke]
Hymie is an avid golfer (if truth be known, he's a golf fanatic). Every Sunday morning he gets up at 6am because he has an early tee time. He then plays golf all day long.
One Sunday morning, Hymie gets up early as usual, dresses quietly so as not to disturb his Leah, gets his clubs out of the study and goes to his car. But itís raining torrentially, there is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing at 50 mph. So he goes back into the house, finds the weather channel on the internet and discovers that it's going to be terrible weather all day long.
He then puts his clubs back into the study, quietly undresses, slips back into bed, cuddles up to Leahís back and whispers, "The weatherís terrible."
Without moving, Leah replies, "Can you believe my meshugga Hymie is out golfing?"
(#1314) Funeral arrangements
Aaron is over 90 years old and is close to death. Nevertheless, he is surprised to overhear his two sons discussing his funeral arrangements. "Letís order two dozen bottles of whiskey and kosher red wine, plus ten plates each of smoked salmon bagels, egg and onion rolls, shmaltz herring, fish balls, mixed olives, rye bread and cakes, and invite all the mourners back to mumís house afterwards," says Joshua.
"Are you crazy?" says Mervyn, "That would cost too much. Better we give everyone just a cup of tea and a piece of cake."
"OK," says Joshua, "but I think we should hire ten Rolls Royces to take family and mourners to and from Bushey Cemetery," says Joshua.
"Are you meshugga?" says Mervyn, "Thatís much too extravagant. All we need do to save money is hire just one large Ford for you, me and mum. The rest can find their own means of transport."
Just then, Joshua and Mervyn hear Aaronís faint voice from upstairs. "Mervyn, will you please fetch me a nice clean pair of trousers."
"But dad, you know what the doctor told you," says Mervyn, "you must stay quietly in bed and not over-exert yourself."
"Yes, I know, Mervyn," says his father, "but Iíve decided to walk to Bushey cemetery. It will save you having to hire a hearse."
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