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This is the fifth set of jokes
(#144) The Headache.
Sadie goes to see her rabbi and complains about her bad headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
All of a sudden, Sadie shouts, overjoyed, "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache is gone!"
To which the rabbi replies, "No Sadie, it is not gone. I have it now."
(#145) The rumpus
Maurice has a business appointment, and he arrives a little early. The receptionist points to a comfortable easy chair and asks him to be seated for a while. Maurice settles down, picks up a glossy magazine opens it, and tries to read. However, he finds that he cannot concentrate because he is distracted due to a rumpus coming from behind one of the doors leading off the reception area. Maurice goes over to the receptionist and asks, "What's going on in there?"
She replies, "It's a partners' meeting."
"But why are they shouting at each other?" Maurice asks.
"It's a battle of wits," she replies.
Maurice asks: "Who is in there?", and she answers, "Horowits, Lebowits, Rabbinowits and Abramowits."
(#146) The flight
Moishe was on a flight from New York to Los Angeles. Close to him sat a beautiful girl, really beautiful. She was hypnotising to him, so he decided to say something.
"Where are you from?"
"I'm from Miami."
"What are you doing in NY?"
"I'm finishing my Ph.D."
"What's it about?"
"It's a study of which group of men gives a woman the most sexual pleasure."
"And what is the conclusion?"
"The two groups are Indians and Jews."
"Nice to meet you, my name is Caramuru Goldstein!"
(#147) The deal
Joseph had just passed his driving test, so he asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "Joseph, I'll make a deal with you. You bring your school grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month Joseph came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Joseph, I've been real proud of you. You have raised your school grades, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" Joseph waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...."
To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"
Bush was very curious about how the Jewish people knew everything before he did. So he called the FBI and asked them to figure it out.
One week later they came back and said, "Mr. President, the Jews have something called shabbas. They meet each other at the synagogue and use a code. They sit, they pray, and there is a word that is the key to this secret. This word is 'Nu?'. When one says to another, 'Nu?' the other tells him everything, every bit of news."
Bush wanted to see this for himself. So the FBI dressed him like a Hassid and taught him to read from the right to the left of the siddur. Bush arrived at a synagogue on shabbas and sat beside Issy. He waited for a moment, and said, "Nu?"
Issy answered, "Shh, donít talk now, Bush is coming."
(#149) Three sons
Three sons left England and went to live in the USA, where they prospered. One day, they met and discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
David said, "I built a big house for mum."
Henry said, "I sent her a Lexus - with a driver."
Alan said, "You remember how mum enjoys reading the bible. Because she now can't see very well, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse."
Soon afterwards, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
ďDavid, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Henry, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Lexus. And that driver has shpilkas--he's a pain in the tuchas. But Alan, the chicken was delicious.Ē
(#150) The operation
The dentist told Melvyn that he needed a tooth removed right away. The dentist asked, "Do you want a local anesthetic?"
Melvyn shook his head and said, "Let's not pinch pennies, doctor. Get the best--use imported."
No joke allocated
(#152) The impossible
Tony Blair was on holiday. He was walking along a beach one morning when he stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and a Genie appeared.
Tony asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, not these days. I'm only giving out one wish. So...what'll it be?"
Tony didn't hesitate. He said, "See this map? I want Israel and the Palestinians to stop fighting with each other and start loving each other instead."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Are you crazy??? These people have been at war for years! I'm good, but I'm not that good. I don't think it can be done. So make another wish."
Tony thought for a minute and said, "You know, for some minor reason, a lot of people are beginning not to trust me. It would be terrific if you would make everyone trust me more. That's my wish."
The Genie thought for a minute and said, "Hmmmmm. Let me see that map again..."
(#153) The Rabbi's
Abe goes to see his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"
Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"
Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
Abe anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
(#154) Saved by
Solomon is out in the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened for his life, Solomon runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and manages to hide in a cave. But he is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave and now Solomon is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed--also praying in Hebrew. Solomon thinks to himself "How lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear in the area! We're mishpocheh--I'm saved!" And then he listens more carefully to the bear's prayer: "...HAMOTZI LECHEM MIN HA'ARETZ."
Q: What's the definition of chutzpah?
A: A boy who kills his parents and the begs the court for mercy because he's an orphan.
Q: What's a Jewish
Princess's favourite position?
A: lnside Brent Cross Shopping Centre.
(#156) The two
Bette and Freda were speaking about their sons, each of whom was currently serving jail sentences.
Bette says: "Oy, my Benny has it so hard. He is locked away in maximum security, He never speaks to anyone nor does he see the light of day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life."
Freda says: "Well, mine Jacob is in minimum security. He exercises every day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes home each week."
"Oy," says Bette, "You must get such naches from Jacob."
(#157) The 10
The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. You could hear only a subdued murmur among them, but you could feel the tension in the air. For hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. In spite of the warm weather this always caused a shudder among the waiting mass.
The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses.
Moses set down his load and raised his hands. "Friends," he said, "friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible argument, every trick I could think of--and I think I was successful. The good news is: I brought him down from fifteen to ten. The bad news is: Adultery is still in."
(#158) The astronaut
Morris, the Jewish astronaut, was asked why he was packing a tie with his spacesuit.
He replied, "My mother said that when I do a space walk I should look nice."
Later on, during the flight, Morris became frantic and radioed mission control. "I must make an emergency landing!"
"My wife called and she wants to be picked up from the hairdresser."
Avrahom and Betty were very worried. They had just received an invitation to a very high-class wedding but couldn't figure out the meaning of the abbreviation RSVP.
"If only our son, the graduate, was here, he'd know," sighed Betty, as she kissed Avrahom good-bye as he left for work.
She pondered the problem all day and finally in a moment of triumph called Avrahom at the shop.
"Darling, I've figured it out," she said, "RSVP means Remember Send Vedding Present."
(#160) Is sex
A priest, a minister and a rabbi were talking about whether sex was work, God's work, or pleasure.
The priest says, "It is God's work--to procreate and produce more creatures in his image."
The minister says, "It is a pleasure that God gave us, so that we could be fruitful and multiply."
The rabbi says "I'm not really sure, but I do know that if it was work my wife would hire someone to come in and do it for her."
(#161) We want
to get divorced
91-year-old Monty and his 89-year-old wife of 66 years go to their lawyer to get a divorce. Puzzled, the lawyer asks, "Why did you wait all this time if you were both so miserable for so long?"
Monty replies, "We were just waiting for the children to die."
(#162) The joke
David is telling a new joke to Yossi.
"Yitzhak and Hymie were talking one day..."
Right away, Yossi interrupts him. "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do your jokes always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once will you David!"
So David starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah...."
(#163) The visit
Two astronauts make the first manned flight to Mars. Upon landing, they find themselves face-to-face with a couple of green Martians.
"How do we make contact?" asks the first astronaut.
"They look pretty primitive. Let's impress them with some of our technology."
"OK." says the first.
He reaches into the pocket of his spacesuit and pulls out a shiny cigarette lighter. The Martians look interested.
"I think it's working - light it!" says the second.
The first astronaut turns the wheel and a flame shoots out. Immediately the faces of the Martians turn from green to red.
"Wow!" says the first, "they must really be impressed."
Then one of the Martians reaches out his little green hand, points a finger at the men, frowns, and says very sternly, "Shabbos!"
(#164) The ventriloquist
Moishe and his Scotsman friend enter a bar with a group of their friends.
Soon everyone is eating and drinking like it's going out of style. Eventually, it comes time to pay the bill.
"I'll Pay!" shouts McTavish and, with a scowl, pays the bill.
The next day, the headline in the Times newspaper reads, "Jewish ventriloquist found murdered in alley."
(#165) Jews in
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen. He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"
No joke allocated
Morris and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.
"Well," said Lenny, "I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at him running for that taxi."
"Wait a minute," Morris replied. "Didn't you read that book I lent you, 'The Other Side of the Story', about the command to judge other people favourably? I'll bet we can think of hundreds of excuses for Irving's behaviour."
"Yeah, like what?"
"Maybe he's sick and needs to go to the hospital."
"Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab - he's healthier than Arnold Schwartzeneger."
"Well, maybe his wife's having a baby."
"She had one last week."
"Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital."
"Well, maybe he's running to the hospital to get a doctor."
"He is a doctor."
"Well, maybe he need supplies from the hospital."
"The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction."
"Well, maybe he forgot that it's Shabbos!"
"Of course he knows it's Shabbos. Didn't you see his tie? It was his paisley beige 100% silk Gucci tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week."
"Wow, you're a really observant! I didn't even notice he was wearing a tie."
"How could you not notice? Didn't you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?"
(#168) A stay
Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing.
She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."
(#169) A Jewish
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
I hope you are well. Please don't worry about me. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten pounds in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Minnie and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family holidays you take every year. Give my love to my darling grand-babies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
(#170) The Old
Arnold had reached the age of 105 and suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Worried by Arnold's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, his Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
Arnold looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me and I don't want to remind him."
Abe's son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.
"Dad, you'll be so proud of me," he said, "I saved a pound by running behind the bus all the way home!"
"Oy Vey!" said Abe, "You could have run behind a taxi and saved £10."
Walking through Londonís Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Cohen's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Cohen?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Cohen 's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Cohen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Centre. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland.
Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?'
He say, 'Moishe Cohen.'
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sem Ting.'"
(#173) A Good
Abe is sitting on a bench in Green Park reading an anti-Semitic Newsheet. Solomon, his best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops --- in shock.
"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Chronicle!"
Abe replies, "The Jewish Chronicle has stories about inter-marriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel---all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news. This semitic paper says the Jews have all the money...the Jews control the banks...the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood. Better to read nothing but good news!"
(#174) The plaque
One shabbes morning, Rabbi Levy notices seven year old David staring up at the large plaque hanging in the shul foyer. It was covered with names and small British flags were mounted on either side of it. David has been staring at the plaque for some time, so Rabbi Levy walks over to him and says quietly, "Good shabbes, David."
"Good shabbes, Rabbi," replies David, still focusing on the plaque. "Rabbi, what is this?" David then asks.
"Well, David," replies Rabbi Levy, "it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stand together, staring at the large plaque. Then little David's voice is barely audible as he asks, "Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday service?"
A shadchen, having sung the praises of a female client, brought his excited male prospect to see her.
Cyril took one look at the girl to whom the shadchen elaborately introduced him and recoiled.
"What's the matter?" asked the shadchen.
"You said she was young," whispered Cyril, "but she's forty if she's a day! You said she was beautiful, but she looks like a back of a bus! You said she was shapely, but she's fat enough for two! You said --"
"You don't have to whisper," said the shadchen. "She's also hard of hearing."
A shadken goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."
Martin replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."
The shadken responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."
"Well, in that case..."
Next, the shadken approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."
"But my daughter is too young to marry."
"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."
Finally, the shadken goes to see the president of the World Bank.
"I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."
"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."
"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case...."
(#177) Godís Email!
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
When the angel returned, he told God that it was indeed bad on Earth. He reported that 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God thought a moment and decided He had better send down a female angel to get both points of view.
When the female angel returned she confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God thought about what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that were good with a little pep-talk, some praise, something to encourage them, something to help keep them going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?....
Oh! YOU didn't get one either.
In their infinite wisdom, the gabbaim gave hagbah to Moshe, the puniest guy in the shul. With great effort, Moshe manages to complete the act but nearly faints in doing so. He then vows he will never be embarrassed like that again. He joins a local gym and commences a six months heavy training course - push ups, sit ups, chinning, weight lifting, 10Ks - the whole thing.
Six monthís later, he's back in shul and the Gabbaim call him up again. This time Moshe picks up the Sefer like it was made of feathers, and flips it in the air. While the Torah is spinning, Moshe does a somersault and gets on his feet just in time to catch the falling Torah. He then turns to the Gabbaim and says, "What do you think of that, then?"
The Gabbai replies, "Very nice, but we gave you Shishi."
(#179) Abe and
Abe ran into Moishe one afternoon. "Moishe, nu? What's new?"
"Abe, I'm into racehorses at the moment. I have a couple of real winners and have won a lot of money already."
"How can I get into it, Moishe?"
"Well, I have a horse I'm looking to sell. It has had 24 starts and won nine of them. I'll let you have it for £120,000."
Abe agreed and gave Moishe a cheque for £120,000.
Three days later, Abe was excitedly waiting at the front gate for his horse to arrive. The horse van pulled up and inside was a dead racehorse.
A month later, Abe runs into Moishe, who has been avoiding him the last few weeks.
"Moishe, nu? What's new?"
"Umm, things are well. And with you?"
"Things are great!"
"Abe, you're not upset I sold you a dead racehorse?"
"Not at all Moishe. In fact, it made me a lot of money."
"How is that? It was dead!"
"Well, I had a raffle. I sold 100,000 tickets at £5 a ticket with the horse as the prize."
"Wasn't the winner upset he won a dead racehorse?"
Abe shrugs, "so, I gave him back his £5!"
O'Brien kept nudging Cohen to let him play at his Jewish Country Club. Cohen told him that only Jews could play golf there.
He drove him crazy for months and he finally gave in but warned him that if anyone asked, his name was Goldberg. If asked what his occupation was, he was a manufacturer. O'Brien asked what kind of a manufacturer should he be and he told him to say that he made tallis.
Sure enough, after playing 18 holes, he's approached by one of the members. He said that he hadn't seen him before and asked his name.
He replied, "My name is Goldberg."
"What do you do for a living, Mr. Goldberg?"
He replies, "I'm a manufacturer."
"What do you manufacture?"
"I make tallises."
"You know, I always wanted to know what the Hebrew letters on the neck of the tallis meant. Can you tell me?"
O'Brien said, "to tell the truth, I only make the sleeves".
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