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This is the fifty-eighth set of jokes
(#1255) The exercise class
Freda says to her daughter, "Ever since I reached 65, Lisa, Iíd been feeling that my body had gotten totally out of shape. So I made a big decision - I went to my doctor and got his OK to start doing some exercise. And yesterday I went to LA Fitness and booked into their aerobics class for seniors."
"That was brave of you, mum, so how did you get on?" asks Lisa.
"Well, for thirty minutes I sweated by bending, twisting, pulling, pushing and hopping up and down. But then, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over."
(#1256) A fall off in performance
Sadie, an elderly lady, goes to see her doctor. "Doctor," she says, "I really believe the romance is going out of my marriage."
"Why do you say that, Sadie?" asks the doctor.
"Because mine Moshe is not (if you excuse me) performing very well in bed these days."
"Sadie," he asks, "how old are you?"
"Iím 80, doctor," she replies.
"And how old is your Moshe, Sadie?" asks the doctor.
"Kin-a-hora, heís a healthy 88 years old," she replies.
"Well, Sadie," says the doctor, "I donít think you need worry. Sexual performance always begins to drop off in men of advanced years. Itís normal. But tell me, when did you first notice Mosheís failing performance?"
Sadie replies, "I noticed it twice last night, doctor and once again this morning."
(#1257) Naomiís toy
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Little Naomi lives near a fire station. One day, one of the firemen is surprised to see Naomi glide slowly past the station in a small red fire engine. It is an expensive toy. It has little ladders hooked up on either side, an extendable ladder on top and a garden hose coiled up at the back. Naomi is sitting in the driverís seat wearing a yellow firemanís helmet and the fire engine is being pulled by both her dog and her cat. The fireman walks over to her.
"Wow," he says, "youíve got a real nice fire engine, missy. I wish I had one like this."
"Thank you," says Naomi, "itís my favourite toy."
But then the fireman is shocked when he notices how Naomi has connected her pets to the fire engine Ė sheís tied one rope to her dog's collar and a second rope to her cat's testicles.
"I have an idea," he says to her, "if you were to tie that rope around your cat's collar instead, I think you would go even faster."
After thinking about this for a little while, Naomi replies, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
(#1258) Jewish mother riddle
Q: What are the two most important things a Jewish mother needs to know about sex and marriage?
A: Who is having sex? Why arenít they married already?
Sophia and Hannah are discussing the best ways to make their young sons finish their meals. Sophia says, "As an Italian mother, I put on a fierce look and say to Primo, Ďif you donít finish your meal, Iím going to kill you.í It works most of the time."
"Well, as a Jewish mother, I look mine Isaac in his eyes and say, Ďif you donít eat the meal Iíve slaved over all day, Iím going to kill myself.í It works every time."
(#1260) The procession in Marbella
Benny and Leah are on holiday in Marbella and decide to go to a bullfight. While they are watching the grand procession which takes place before the bullfights commences, Leah starts asking a lot of questions. Fortunately, Benny had been to a bullfight some years earlier during a business trip and is able to answer them.
"Benny, whoís that leading the procession?" asks Leah.
"Thatís the toreador, Leah."
"So whoís that behind the toreador?"
"Thatís the matador, Leah."
"And whoís that man behind the matador, Benny?"
"Thatís the picador, Leah," says Benny, a little fed up with all the questions.
"And whoís the little man behind the picador?" asks Leah.
"Thatís Isadore, the kosher butcher."
(#1261) The phone calls
One evening, Moshe shows his wife their latest telephone bill. "Hette, you just have to cut down on your calls. This bill is for over £700 and thatís a very high cost for just 3 months."
"Youíre right, darling," she says, "I promise to do my best to curtail my calls."
"Thanks," says Moshe.
Moshe starts to monitor the calls on a daily basis and is pleased to see that Hette is keeping to her promise. But then gradually, as he thought would happen, he sees the daily elapsed time start to increase again. Then one evening, as Hette dials a number and makes another call, Moshe decides to discuss the situation with her when she puts down the phone, whenever that will be. Fifteen minutes later, Hette puts down the phone.
"What a surprise," says Moshe sarcastically, "how come such a short call?"
"Oh, it was a wrong number, darling." she says.
(#1262) Isnít knowledge wonderful?
Hymie is sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre with his friend Monty. Neither has spoken for 10 minutes when Hymie suddenly says, "Do you know what, Monty?"
"No, what Hymie?"
"Mine Rivka," continues Hymie, "is very knowledgeable. She reads the Times newspaper every day from front to back; she watches the news on TV every hour; she reads all kinds of books and she regularly goes to evening classes. She is so up-to-date about current affairs that she can talk all night on any subject."
"So what?" says Monty, "Mine Sadie doesnít need a subject."
(#1263) Two personal adverts in a Jewish magazine
(#1265) Wrong one
[My thanks to Ian $ Oz for the following]
Monty is out on one of his favourite walks Ė the one through Hampstead Heath, when all of a sudden he gets a strong pain in his stomach and has a desperate need to go to the toilet. As he canít wait, he goes deep into some thick bushes so no one can see him, lowers his trousers and pants and squats down. Naturally, Monty has not brought any toilet paper with him, so (you should excuse him) he wipes himself with some leaves from a nearby bush, gets dressed and continues on his walk.
But after 5 minutes, his toches starts to itch and after 10 minutes, the itch is almost unbearable. Monty cuts short his walk and goes straight to his doctor. After a brief examination, doctor Myers says, "Monty, I believe youíve wiped yourself with some poison ivy."
"Oy veh," cries Monty, "what can I do? The itching is driving me crazy."
"Don't worry," replies doctor Myers, "hereís some powder developed just for this purpose. Go home right away, put one teaspoon of powder in a gallon of warm water and soak your toches in it for 20-30 minutes. If you repeat this every three hours, it will take away the itching."
So Monty goes home, puts a teaspoon of the powder into a large pot he finds in the bottom kitchen cupboard, fills it with warm water, puts the pot down in the middle of the kitchen floor, takes off all his clothes and sits in the pot. What bliss!
But then his Sarah comes home. She enters the kitchen, sees him sitting naked in her new pot in the middle of her kitchen floor and shouts out, "Monty, bist meshugga?"
Monty replies, "Vos tist du?" and tries to tell her about his walk in the woods, his need to go to the toilet, the poison ivy, the doctor and the powder.
But Sarah screams, "Nem aroyse dien flayshedika toches fun der milchedika tepple."
(#1266) Allís fair in love and war
Kitty and Freda are having lunch together at Brent Cross shopping centre. They know how big the portions are so they order only one dish of Ďfried fish piecesí which they intend to share. They also ask for an extra plate. When the order arrives, the plate contains one big piece of fish and one little piece of fish. Kitty and Freda politely look at each other.
Kitty says, "Please, you choose first."
"No," replies Freda, "you can choose first."
Kitty says, "OK, I'll take first," and puts the big piece of fish on the empty plate.
Freda is surprised. "Why did you take the big piece? That's not very polite."
"So which piece would you have taken, then?" asks Kitty.
"I would have taken the small piece," replies Freda.
"So whatís the problem, Freda," says Kitty, "that's what youíve got."
(#1267) Another version of The Good
Wife Guide (see also #745 32nd set)
This article (believe it or not) is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook printed in the early 1960ís. It is absolutely true and it was written in a serious manner Ė it was not written as a joke. So you women out there, please donít blame me. In fact I for one am glad things have changed in the 21st century as much as they have!
Challenge. If anyone wants to prepare, ďThe Good Husband GuideĒ as you think it might have been written in the 1960ís, then send it to me.
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead even the
night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return from
work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about
him and are concerned about his needs.
Prepare yourself. Take 15minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, papers etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables. During the colder months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you immense personal satisfaction.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity. Donít complain if heís late home for dinner or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.
Once he has had a chance to have his evening meal, clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help decline his offers Ė he may feel obliged to repeat this offer and after a long working day he does not need the extra work.
Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies and interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach. If you have any little hobbies try not to bore him speaking of these, as womenís interests are often rather trivial compared to menís. at the end of the evening tidy the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs.
Once you have both retired to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train. However, try to remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face cream or hair rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.
(#1268) The three Jews
Three Eastern European Jews named Berel, Cherel and Shmerel are talking about moving to the USA.
Berel says, "When I emigrate to New York, I'm going to have to change my name. They won't call me Berel anymore, they'll call me Buck."
Cherel says, "When I emigrate to New York, I'll also have to change my name. They'll call me Chuck."
Then Shmerel says, "Well I'm not going anywhere."
(#1269) The court proceedings
[My thanks to Frank for the following]
Judge Allen enters Court number 1 and sits down. He feels ready for the day's business. However, the first case involves Moshe Cohen and as soon as Judge Allen sees this elderly man with his long white beard, peyess (side curls) and kippot, without even asking a question, he says to the court clerk, "Get me a translator."
When the translator arrives, Judge Allen points to Moshe and says to the translator, "Ask him his name, his age and where heís from."
The translator says to Moshe, "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"
Moshe smiles, looks at Judge Allen and replies in perfect English, "Your honour, my name is Moshe Cohen, I shall be 82 tomorrow and I live in Oxford University where Iím professor of Hebrew Philosophy."
The translator then turns to Judge Allen and says, "Ehr zukt, ehr is Moshe Cohen, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford."
(#1270) Clever answer #1
Hannah worked for El Al and was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. A man approached and as she extended her hand for the ticket, he opened his overcoat and Ďflashedí her. Without blinking, Hannah said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
(#1271) Clever answer #2
Moshe, an experienced traffic policeman, got out of his car, walked over to the youngster he had just stopped for speeding, asked him to wind down his window and said, "I've been waiting for you all day."
The youngster replied, "Yes, I know, officer, I got here as fast as I could."
When Moshe finally stopped laughing, he sent the youngster on his way without a ticket.
(#1272) Clever answer #3
Rivkah, a teacher, reminded her class of the following dayís final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow. Iíll only consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or a death in your immediate family, but nothing else, no other excuses whatsoever."
A smart-arse sitting at the back of the class raised his hand and asked, "What would you say, teacher, if tomorrow I said I couldnít come in because I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, Rivkah smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and replied, "Well, I guess Iíd say you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
(#1273) Some Jewish Curses
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