BACK TO INDEX PAGE
go to fifty-eighth set
This is the fifty-seventh set of jokes
(#1235) The wrong one
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Naomiís husband dies and all of a sudden sheís on her own to bring up Leah, her 10year old daughter. After some time has passed, she starts looking for a partner, not an easy task, but then Mr Shapiro comes onto the scene. Heís much older than Naomi but is wealthy and presentable, so Naomi accepts his invite for a meal at Bens Kosher Kitchen. They have a good time and start seeing each other on a regular basis. She likes him very much and is glad things are getting serious between them Ė after all, Leah could do with a new father figure around the house.
When itís time to introduce Mr Shapiro to Leah, she decides to invite him over for a shabbes dinner. He accepts and at once Naomi begins to worry about the one thing that could ruin her chances of marriage - Mr Shapiro has a large wart on his nose. She is worried that Leah will not only stare at it but also laugh at it. No matter how hard she tries, she canít get the scene out of her mind.
Friday arrives and sheís in such despair that she decides to tell Leah whatís troubling her. As they are setting the table, she says, "Please Leah, I want you be on your very best behaviour tonight and.Ö.oh yes, one other thing, darling, donít say a thing about the wart on Mr Shapiroís nose. I donít want him upset."
"OK, mum, I wonít mention it, I promise," says Leah.
In the event, the meal is a great success. Conversation flows easily and Leah behaves impeccably, not a word out of place. Naomi breathes a massive sigh of relief when Leah asks to be excused just before dessert. As Leah closes the door behind her, Naomi turns towards Mr Shapiro and asks, "So Mr Shapiro, would you like cream or custard on your wart?Ē
(#1236) Deja vu
[My thanks to Ian S for the following]
Abe is on holiday in Israel with his wife, children and mother-in-law. Sadly, while they are visiting Jerusalem, Abe's mother-in-law dies. Abe goes to the British Embassy with her death certificate in his hand to make arrangements to send her body back to the UK for burial. As soon as the Embassy official realises that itís Abeís mother-in-law who has died, he tells Abe that itís very expensive to send a body back to the UK.
"It could cost as much as £2,000," he says, "so in most cases, the family decide to bury the body here in Israel because this only costs £100."
But Abe gets agitated, "I don't care how much it costs to send her body back to the UK, that's what I want to do. OK?"
"OK," says the official, "calm down. Weíll do it. You must have loved your mother-in-law a lot, considering the price difference."
"No, thatís not the reason," says Abe, "itís just that I know of a case of someone who was buried here in Jerusalem many, many years ago and on the 3rd day he arose from the dead. I just donít want to take that chance."
(#1237) The honest interview reply
Reporters from the Jewish Chronicle are interviewing Sadie, who is celebrating her 108th birthday.
"Sadie, dear, can you please tell us what you think is the best thing about being 108? Iím sure our readers would love to know," one of the reporters asks.
Sadie replies, "Thereís no peer pressure."
(#1238) Things to come
As little Joshua was being given a bath by his mother, he started closely examining his testicles.
"Are these my brains, mummy?" he asked
"No, darling," she replied, "not yet theyíre not."
(#1239) The flower show
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Freda and Ethel, both in their eighties, are sitting on a bench outside Edgware town hall where they had just visited the annual flower show. Freda turns to Ethel and says, "Donít you agree that life is getting more and more boring? We donít seem to be able to have the fun we used to."
"I agree with you there," says Ethel.
"Do you know," continues Freda, "Iíd love to take off all my clothes and run naked through the flower show. That would liven things up."
"I bet you £5 you wouldnít dare," says Ethel.
"You're on!" says Freda and 2 minutes later, completely naked, she Ďstreaksí through the front door of the flower show.
As Ethel waits outside, she hears a commotion going on inside the town hall. Then Freda, still naked, runs back out, followed by a smiling, cheering crowd.
"What happened, Freda?" asks Ethel.
"I just won 1st prize for Best Dried Arrangement."
(#1240) Start with the easy solution
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Faye and Monty have been married for over 30 years when all of a sudden they decide to separate. It shocks friends and family alike.
Monty decides to become more Ďorthodoxí and starts to spend much time in the synagogue with Rabbi Bloom. Then, two years after they split, Monty and Faye decide to get back together.
Monty now wants Faye to join him in becoming more orthodox and asks that she does out the kitchen and make it Ďglatt kosherí. But Faye is not at all interested. Monty is very upset with her attitude and goes to see Rabbi Bloom.
"Rabbi," he asks, "what can I do? How can I get Faye to become more orthodox? For example, how can I get her to run a kosher kitchen?"
Rabbi Bloom strokes his beard and nods sympathetically. "Tell me, Monty, how many Jewish commandments are there in existence?"
Monty has recently learned this and quickly gives the correct answer, "613."
Rabbi Bloom replies, "so why donít you start with ones that don't annoy her?"
(#1241) Jury service
Did you hear about the typical Jewish mother?
Once, when she was on jury service, they sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
(#1242) Big business
Abe is just starting out in business in Golders Green. But he has to start small and decides to open up a lemonade stand outside Benís Bagels. He puts up a sign which says, ALL YOU CAN DRINK FOR 25p
Itís a hot day and almost immediately some children arrive and pay him 25p. One boy quickly drinks the lemonade heís given, goes over to Abe with the empty cup and says, "could you please refill my cup?"
Abe replies, "OK, but that will be another 25p."
"How come?" says the boy, "the sign clearly says ĎAll you can drink for 25p."
"Nu?" says Abe, "you had a glass of lemonade, didn't you?"
"Well," says Abe, "that's all you can drink for 25p."
(#1243) Itís obvious
It is Friday and to his surprise, Max is told that he is being promoted to manager. He is also given the afternoon off. When he gets home to his 6th floor flat and tells his wife Helen the good news, they decide to celebrate by making love. But what are they going to do about their 9year old son Sam?
"I know," says Max, "letís put Sam out onto the balcony and get him to report to us on everything he sees happening in the neighbourhood. Thatíll keep him busy."
"Good idea, darling" says Helen and 10 minutes later, Sam begins his reporting at the same time she and Max begin their lovemaking.
"OK dad," reports Max, "theyíre towing away Mr Shinemanís 4x4 from in front of his flat."
A few moments later, Max says, "A fire engine has just stopped outside the Himmelfarbís shop."
Then he shouts out, "Looks like the Levyís are going to the synagogue."
Followed quickly by, "My friend Davidís riding his new red 2 wheeler bike across the main road."
And then, "Mr and Mrs Abrahams are having sex."
At that, Max and Helen sit up in bed and shout out, "How do you know that, Sam?"
"Because," Sam replies, "their son Paul, like me, is standing on their balcony reporting what he sees."
(#1244) Prayers of value
"Rabbi, why do we always have to say our prayers at night?" said little Emma.
"Because, my dear child, it's cheap rate after 6 oíclock."
(#1245) The sandwich
Every time someone goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami sandwich on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
(#1246) God forbid
The habit of asking God to prevent calamities is a hard one to break. One Jewish businessman, driven to despair by his rivalís devious actions, shouted at him, "You should only drop dead - God forbid."
(#1247) The whole divorce
[My thanks to Ian for the following]
Rivkah is in court finalising her divorce. As soon as she signs the final paper and realises her divorce is complete, she says out loud, "At last, now all I have to do is arrange for a Get."
The judge hears her and asks, "Mrs Gold, what do you mean by ĎGetí?"
Rivkah replies, "Well your Honor, a Get is a religious ceremony thatís required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce."
"You mean like a Brit Milah?" asks the judge.
"Yes," Rivkah relies, "itís very similar. But in a Get, you get rid of the whole schmuck."
(#1248) For the wine lovers amongst
[My thanks to Malcolm for the following]
You will all know that Pinot Noir is one of the oldest grape varieties to be cultivated for the purpose of making wine. It is recognized worldwide as a great wine grape and is grown in many countries of the world. Now the English have come onto the scene. They are marketing a new wine developed especially for elderly drinkers based on a new hybrid anti-diuretic wine grape. They are calling this wine ĎPinot Moreí.
(#1249) Naomiís turn
[My thanks to Anna R for the following]
It started when Faye and Naomi were friends at school. Faye seemed to spend her entire time trying to get one over on Naomi and never missed an opportunity to belittle her. Whatever Naomi had or did, Faye would better it.
Then they left school to go their own ways. 30 years later, by chance, Faye and Naomi meet again at Brent Cross shopping centre. And guess what? Nothing has changed. Within minutes, Faye is boasting about her life and whenever Naomi says something, Faye dismisses it with contempt. After fifteen minutes of this, Faye looks at her watch and says, "I must go pick up my diamonds. My husband Lou is so wealthy that once a month he sends them to Hatton Garden for cleaning. Weíre going to the Royal Opera tonight, itís Madama Butterfly, and we have the best seats. So I need my diamonds."
"Oh," replies Naomi with a smile on her face, "do you clean your diamonds? My husband David is so rich that he throws my diamonds away when they get dirty and buys me new ones."'
At the end of a hard yearís work, Moshe decides to take a holiday right away and he books himself on a Caribbean cruise. The first few days of the cruise are perfect but then calamity - the ship sinks and Moshe ends up on a small, uncharted island. He looks around and sees that there is nothing nearby except bananas and coconuts. Still, these are better than starving to death.
Ten weeks later, as he is sitting in the shade, to his surprise a small boat lands on the beach and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets out, walks over to him and says, "Hi."
He canít believe his luck. He replies, "Hi to you too. Where on earth have you come from? How did you get here? Whatís your name?"
"Hold on," she says, "one question at a time. I landed on the other side of this island about 10 weeks ago when my cruise liner sank. Iíve just rowed here from the other side. Oh, and my name is Hannah."
"Thatís amazing, Hannah," he says. "My name is Moshe. You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies Hannah, "I made it myself out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars are made from pine tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But where did you get the tools from?" he asks.
"Oh, I made the tools myself," replies Hannah. "I found an unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock which I heated in my kiln. It melted into a soft iron-like material which I used to make the tools which in turn I used to make the boat."
Moshe is silent. He canít believe her skills.
"If itís OK with you, why donít I now row you to my place?" she says.
Moshe just nods his acceptance.
It takes Hannah just ten minutes to row to her placed. As they near the shore, Moshe is surprised to see a stone walkway leading up to a very smart sky blue bungalow. Hannah ties up her boat at a small jetty using a hand made flaxen rope, and they enter the bungalow.
"It's not really much," says Hannah, "but to me, Moshe, itís home. Please sit down and Iíll get you a drink."
"No thanks," Moshe replies, "I just couldnít drink any more coconut juice."
"But you donít have to have coconut juice," says Hannah, "How about a Pina Colada? Iíve made a still."
As they sit down on her hand made couch drinking their Pina Coladas, Moshe looks around and is amazed at what Hannah has achieved in such a short time. After a while, Hannah gets up and says, "Iím going to slip into something more comfortable. While youíre waiting, why donít you take a shower and then have a shave? Youíll find a razor in the bathroom cabinet."
Moshe goes into the bathroom and runs his bath. It even has hot water from a kind of thermal heating device Hannah has rigged up. After his bath, he goes to the wooden cabinet and finds a razor made of shells roped together inside a swivel mechanism. While heís having an excellent shave, Moshe thinks, "Hannah is unbelievable, truly amazing - whatever will I discover next? She can do anything."
When he returns, Hannah greets him wearing only a few carefully placed vine leaves and smelling of honeysuckle - she looks utterly fantastic. Hanna beckons Moshe to sit next to her, which he does. Hannah smiles at Moshe in a seductive manner and slithers up closer to him.
"Moshe," she says, staring into his eyes, "we've both been out here for 10 weeks. Now youíve found me, is there something you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do for all these weeks. You know..."
Moshe can't believe it. "You mean ÖÖ I can check my e-mail from here?"
(#1251) Mosheís 18 questions
Here is a well known riddle. Q: What is a genius? A: An average pupil with a Jewish Mother.
OK, so youíre a genius. But how smart do you think you are without your motherís help?
Write down the answers to the following 18 questions, then check your answers with those given at the end of this jokes set. Will you still be a genius?
1. Moshe asks, "Do they have a 4th of July
2. Moshe asks, "How many birthdays does the average Jewish man have?"
3. Moshe asks, "If some months have 31 days, how many months have 28?"
4. Moshe asks, "Why canít Jewish men living in London be buried in Jerusalem?
5. Moshe asks, "Is it legal for a Jewish man living in Tel Aviv to marry his widow's sister?"
6. Moshe and Abe play five games of tennis. Each wins the same number of games. There are no ties. How can this be so?
7. Moshe says, "Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. Whatís the answer?"
8. Moshe builds a house rectangular in shape and all sides have a southern exposure. Moshe asks, "If a big bear walks by the house, what colour is it?"
9. If Moshe has 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
10. Moshe has two US coins totalling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
11. Moshe has only one match and he walks into a room where there is an unlit gas fire, an oil lamp and a fireplace with dry wood in it. Which one does Moshe light first?
12. Moshe asks, "How far can my dog run into the woods?"
13. Mosheís doctor gives him three pills and tells him to take one every half hour. How long does Mosheís pills last?
14. Moshe has 17 sheep and all but 11 die. How many sheep does Moshe have left?
15. Moshe asks, "How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?"
16. Moshe works as an assistant in Minkoff Butchers and is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
17. Moshe asks, "How many 12p stamps are there in a dozen?"
18. Moshe asks, "What was the prime ministerís name in 1950?"
(#1252) Horse for sale
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Moshe goes to an outdoor sale. As he is walking around the grounds, he sees a sign saying LUIGI HAS NICE THINGS FOR SALE
He goes up to Luigiís pitch and immediately sees that Luigi owns a horse. Moshe has always wanted his own horse, so he says to Luigi, "Excuse me but do you want to sell me your horse?"
Luigi replies, "I would sell it but it no looka so good."
Moshe says, "Well he looks fine to me. How much do you want for it?"
Luigi says, "But as I tella you, I canna sell him to you - he no looka so good."
Moshe says, "OK, I'll give you £1,000 for your horse. Final offer. What do you say?"
Luigi shrugs his shoulders and agrees. After writing out a cheque, Moshe gets on the horse and gallops off. But after no more than one minute of riding, the horse suddenly rides straight into an oak tree at speed and is killed.
Moshe is lucky to be alive and goes straight back to Luigi. "You thieving son of a bitch, you sold me a blind horse."
Luigi replies, "I tella you he no looka so good."
(#1253) Inner peace
Abe is talking to his friend. "If thereís one piece of simple advice I can give you, Mervyn, itís this. I read it in the Times yesterday and it worked immediately for me. Iíve finally found inner peace. Iím sure it will work for you too."
"So give me this advice, already," says Mervyn.
"OK, here it is," replies Abe, "the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
"Really?" says Mervyn.
"Yes," replies Abe. "I looked around to see all the things I had started but hadnít finished. So, I finished one bottle of white wine, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Port, my Prozac, 3 bottles of beer and a large box of organic chocolates. You have no idea how good I felt."
(#1254) The eye test
When Jacob from Poland applies for a driver's license, he is asked to take an eyesight test. The optician points to a card on the wall with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
and says to Jacob, "Can you read this?"
"Read it?" replies Jacob, "the manís my best friend."
ANSWERS TO MOSHEíS 18 QUESTIONS
1. Yes, but itís not celebrated
2. One, all the rest are anniversaries of his birth day.
3. All 12 of them have at least 28 days
4. They can't be buried if they arenít dead.
5. No, because if his wife is a widow, then heís dead.
6. They aren't playing each other.
8. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
10. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
11. The match.
12. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
13. 1 Hour
15. None - Noah took them on the ark.
18. Same as it is now.
go to fifty-eighth set
BACK TO INDEX PAGE
Copyright © 2001-2010 David Minkoff
The information on this page may be freely copied for private use.
If you would like to use this information for commercial purposes, please contact me via my home page.