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This is the fifty-fifth set of jokes
(#1195) The Wig
Lionel is getting quite bald and his elder daughterís wedding is coming up. All his friends and family would be there so, well even men can be vain; he gets fitted with an expensive toupee.
On the wedding day, everything went well. Nevertheless, Lionel thought that everyone must have seen his toupee. Next day, his youngest daughter sees his worried look and says, "Whatís the matter, daddy? Why are you so sad?"
"Iím not really sad, darling," he replies, "itís just that Iím sure everyone yesterday saw that I was wearing a wig."
"No they didnít, daddy," she says, "No one I told knew."
(#1196) Looking for Freda
Isaac arrives home one afternoon and canít see his Freda anywhere. So he shouts out, "Oh darling, my sweet honey bun, Iím home. Where are you?"
He hears Freda reply from somewhere, "Iím hiding."
So Isaac shouts out, "Oh darling, my sweetheart, Iíve got a lovely surprise for you. Where are you?"
"Again he hears Freda reply, "Iím hiding."
Isaac then shouts out, "Oh darling, my loved one, Iíve bought for you that diamond and platinum bracelet youíve always wanted from Mappin & Webb. Where are you?"
This time he hears Freda shout back, "Iím hiding - Iím hiding in the bedroom wardrobe."
(#1197) Youíre driving me crazy
Jacob meets his friend Max in the Hendon delicatessen. "So Max, howís your wife Kitty?"
Oy veh," replies Max, "sheís driving me absolutely crazy. Every night she dreams that sheís married to a millionaire."
"Thatís nothing," says Jacob," my Sadie dreams sheís married to a millionaire during the day."
(#1198) The text message
Avrahomís son Howard was at Cambridge University and Avrahom was worried that Howard might quickly forget that he was Jewish. As Yom Kippur was coming, Avrahom sent Howard the following text message: -
HI HOWARD. YOM KIPPUR STARTS ON TUESDAYHoward sent the following reply: -
THANKS FOR THE TIP. PUT ME DOWN FOR £70 ON IT TO WIN(#1199) Calculating your age
(#1200) Meeting with the tax inspector
[My thanks to Ian and Jackie for the following]
Abe was due a visit from the Inland Revenue inspector to go through some discrepancies in his accounts. Should he dress up or down for the meeting? He just didnít know what was best so he asked both his accountant and his lawyer for their views.
His accountant told him, "Wear your worst clothes, shmattas even, and an old pair of shoes. Make him believe youíre very poor."
But his lawyer told him, "Wear your smartest suit with a good shirt, expensive tie and nice cuff-links. That way you wonít be intimidated."
Abe was confused and went to see his Rabbi about the conflicting advice he had been given. "Let me answer your dilemma with a story," said the Rabbi.
A woman, about to marry, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night. Her mother replied, "Put on a long nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wear woollen socks."
But when the woman asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. "Put on your sexiest, most see-through negligee."
"I donít understand, Rabbi. What does this have to do with my interview with the Inland Revenue?" asked Abe.
"It means that it doesn't matter what you wear," replied the Rabbi, "you're going to get screwed anyway."
(#1201)Thought for the day
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
(#1202) Benefits of television
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Some people believe that regularly watching television does us no good at all because TV is a destroyer of minds. But not everyone believes this and certainly not Rabbi Levy. When asked what his views were on the educational role of television, Rabbi Levy replied, "TV can actually play a very important educational role. When someone turns on the TV in my house, I go into my study and read Torah and the commentaries."
(#1203) The request
[My thanks to Anna R for the following]
Miriam, an elderly lady, is on her way to Brent Cross shopping centre when she hears some music coming from close by. She crosses over the road and there standing on the corner is a busker playing a violin. So she joins the small crowd listening to the music. Suddenly, a flasher comes up to the crowd, opens his coat and bares his Ďallí. With a totally straight face, Miriam turns to the busker and says, "How much do you want for playing, 'Button Up Your Overcoat?í"
(#1204) Brotherly love
[My thanks to Michael B, USA for the following]
It was Sunday morning and as he had been doing for a number of years, 8year-old Abe was attending Hebrew classes. His teacher had just finished discussing one of the Ten Commandments, the one about honouring your mother and father, when the teacher asked the class, "Now, who can tell me which of the commandments tells us how to deal with our brothers and sisters?"
Abe put his hand up and, when asked, proudly said, "Thou shalt not kill."
(#1205) Marriage advice
Melvyn says to Howard, "My father is always advising me to find a girl who has the same belief as the family, and then marry her."
"That advice wouldnít work for me," says Howard. "Why would I want to marry a girl who thinks I'm a shmuck?"
(#1206) Health forecast
Benny meets his grandfather in the street one morning. "Hi zaydeh. How are you feeling today?"
"Oy veh, Benny, I've got so many aches and pains that if I get a new one, it will have to wait at least a week before I can think of even worrying about it."
(#1207) Hear no evil
It was tea break at their office and Avrahom and Harry, both deaf, were talking about being out late the night before. Avrahom said, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I sneaked into bed and didnít get into any trouble."
Harry said, "Then youíre very lucky. When I got back, I realised I was in shtook (in trouble) - my wife was awake and waiting for me in bed. She was broyges (angry) and started swearing at me for being out late."
Avrahom asked, "So what did you do, Harry?"
"I just turned out the light," replied Harry.
(#1208) The Dior dress
One day, just as Rebecca was walking past ĎYiddishe Mumma Exclusive Fashionsí in Golders Green, she saw them putting a new dress in their window. It stopped her in her tracks Ė it was a pale green Dior evening dress and she was totally entranced by this brilliant creation. She was convinced that it was bashayrt (destined by fate) Ė it was meant for her. But it was priced at £3,500 and she had to think of a good way to persuade her Hymie to buy it for her. Then she had an idea. She couldnít wait to get home.
"Yes, what is it Rebecca?"
"Last night I had a lovely dream, Hymie," she said.
"So what kind of a dream was it, Rebecca?" he asked.
"I dreamed that we passed by Yiddishe Mumma, and in the window was this gorgeous Dior dress at only £3,500. And do you know what you did, Hymie?"
"Nu, so what did I do?" he asked.
"You went into the shop and bought it for me, darling."
"Did I really?" Hymie said, "That really was a wonderful dream. Please God, in all your future dreams, you should wear it in good health."
Bernie and Shlomo, both in their 80s, are taking their weekly ZFT (zimmer frame totter) in Hendon Park.
"So, Shlomo, how are you?" asks Bernie.
"Oy veh Iím getting worse and worse," replies Shlomo. "All of a sudden, my memory's decided to play me tricks. I can't even remember whether it was you or my brother who died last month."
(#1210) Follow my leader
Little Emma is watching her mother preparing their Shabbat dinner Ė this week itís Salt Beef. Emma watches her mother slice off both ends of the joint and place it in a saucepan ready for cooking. So Emma asks, "Why did you cut both ends off, Mum?"
Her mother pauses for a few seconds, then replies, "Thatís a good question, Emma. Itís what my mother always did when she made Salt Beef and I just do the same. But Iíve no idea why. Letís phone bubbeh and ask her."
So they phone bubbeh and ask why she always sliced the ends off the Salt Beef before cooking.
Bubbeh replies, "You know, I'm not sure why Ė that was the way I always saw my mother make Salt Beef."
Because they are now very curious, they visit Emmaís great grandmother in the nursing home and say to her, "You know when we make Salt Beef, why do we always slice off the ends before cooking it?"
"I don't know why you do it," says the great grandmother, "but I never had a saucepan that was large enough!"
(#1211) The big sit
Kitty and Freda, both in their 80s, are returning from their visit to Brent Cross shopping centre. They have been sitting on a bench for over 30 minutes waiting for their bus when Kitty turns to Freda and says, "You know, Freda, I've been sitting here so long, my toches has fallen asleep."
Freda turns to Kitty and says, "I know, I heard it snoring!"
(#1212) The error in payment
Shlomo the builder has an employment contract that states he is to be paid weekly for a job that is going to last at least 12 months. One Friday, after heís been paid, Shlomo goes to his boss and shows him the cheque he's been given.
"This is £100 less than I should have been paid," says Shlomo.
"I know," replies his boss, "last week I overpaid you £100 and you said nothing."
Embarrassed, Shlomo says, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."
(#1213) In return
On the first day God created Cow. And God said to the cow, "I would like you to go into the field with the farmer and suffer in the sun all day long, have calves and give milk to the farmer to help him survive. In return I will give you a life of 60years."
Cow said, "That's a hard life youíve mapped out for me, especially as you want me to live for 60years. Instead, just give me 20years and I'll give back the other 40."
And God agreed.
On the second day God created Dog. And God said to the dog, "I would like you to sit all day outside the front door of your house and bark at everyone who comes in or walks near you. In return, I will give you a life of 20years."
Dog said, "That's going to be hard work barking all day, especially as you want me to be doing this for 20years. Instead, just give me 10years and I'll give back the other 10."
And God agreed.
On the third day God created Monkey. And God said to the monkey, "I would like you to entertain people by doing lots of monkey tricks and making them laugh. In return, I'll give you a life of 20years."
Monkey said, "Thatís a very boring life you want to give me, doing monkey tricks for 20years. Iíd rather not, if you donít mind. I hear that Dog gave you back 10years so Iíd like to do the same. Is that OK?"
And God agreed.
On the fourth day God created Man. And God said to the man, "Just for you, I would like you to eat, sleep, play and enjoy. Youíll need do nothing else - just enjoy, enjoy. And in return, I will give you a life of 20years."
Man said, "What, only 20years? Thatís not enough. Let me make a suggestion. I'll take my 20years plus the 40years Cow returned plus the 10years Monkey returned plus the 10years Dog returned. I make that Ö.. 80years. Can I have 80years, please?"
"Okay," said God, "I agree."
Thatís why: -
for the first 20years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy and do nothing,
for the next 40years we slave in the sun to support our family,
for the next 10years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren,
and for the last 10years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
(#1214) The orthodox golfer
He plays orthodox golf. He never drives on the Sabbath
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