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This is the fifty-fourth set of jokes
(#1175) The order
Mosheís business was struggling. So he was very dismayed to receive this letter from his supplier
Dear Moshe, We regret that we wonít be able to fill your recent order for 3,000 menís dark brown suits until full payment has been received for your last order. Please advise.
Moshe wrote back
Dear supplier, Please cancel my recent order for 3,000 menís dark brown suits. I cannot wait that long.
Miriam had a problem with her young son Ben - he went into a total panic every time she served up the familyís favourite dish of kreplach. Every effort she and her husband made to explain to Ben how nice kreplach tasted failed miserably. So she took Ben to see doctor Lewis, an eminent psychiatrist.
Doctor Lewis listened to the problem, then said, "I think this situation is easy to resolve. All you have done so far is talk Ė youíve told Ben how nice kreplach are but you havenít yet shown him how nice they are. So take him home and let him watch you prepare the kreplach. First of all, let him see the ingredients that go inside a kreplach. Then show him how a kreplach is made. Once he sees thereís nothing to be scared of, he will grow to like them."
When they returned home, Miriam followed doctor Lewisís advice. She took Ben into her kitchen and sat him down to watch her prepare a kreplach. She put in front of him a small mound of dough and a plate of chopped meat she had prepared earlier. "See Ben," she said, "is there anything here to be worried about?"
"No mum," smiled Ben.
Miriam then put some minced meat in the centre of the dough and folded over one corner. She looked at Ben and saw he was still smiling. ĎMaybe this will actually work,í she thought.
She folded over the second corner (Ben was still smiling) and then the third. All was going better than she had dared hope. Then she folded over the last corner Ė and immediately Ben started to get into a state and shouted, "Oy veh, kreplach."
(#1177) Clever signs
(#1180) Keep your eyes open
One day, Moshe is walking past the wooden fence at the side of the local Mental Care Home for Jewish People when he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Moshe is quite a curious kind of man and wonders, "Is there a barmitzvah or batmitzvah going on inside?" So he searches for a suitable hole in the fence and then he looks in. Immediately, someone inside the fence pokes him in the eye with their finger.
Then the chanting begins again, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
(#1181) Children writing to God
(#1183) Easier said than done
Moshe goes to Heathrow Airport to fly to New York. While he is waiting for his flight, he notices a lady sitting nearby crying. So he goes over and asks her if anything was wrong.
She says, "My son John moved to New York some months ago and I haven't heard from him since. Iím so worried. Even though weíre Jewish, heís never called or written to me. So I come here from time to time because he left from this airport and I feel closer to him here than anywhere else."
As they talk, the lady asks, "Would you by any chance be going to New York?"
Moshe replies, "Well, as a matter of fact I am."
She says, "Oh would you please find my son and ask him to call me? His name is John Dun, spelled with one N."
Moshe replies, "I don't think itís possible to find one man in New York."
She says, "Oh, please try. It would mean so much to me. I miss him so very much."
After much pleading, Moshe finally agrees to do his best.
All the way to New York, he wonders, "How can I ever find her son?" When the plane lands, he takes a cab to his hotel. As the cab nears his hotel, Moshe sees on the side of one of the sky scrapers ĎDUN AND BRADSTREETí so he says to himself, "This might be easier than I thought."
Later that day, after unpacking, he goes into the D&B building, walks up to the receptionist and asks, "Do you have a John here?"
She replies, "Yes. Down this hall to the right and itís the third door on the left."
He thanks her and goes looking for the door she pointed out. He finds it and goes in. Just as he walks into the room, there is a man there, drying his hands. Moshe says to him, "Are you Dun?"
The man replies, "Yes."
Moshe says, "Call your mother."
(#1184) Donít be so cheap
A man dies and his 3 best friends, Shlomo, Patrick and Peter are looking at his body in the coffin.
Patrick says, "He was such a good friend to me that I donít want him to go to his maker empty handed." He then throws £200 in £20 notes into the coffin.
Peter says, "I agree, so I'll match that," and he also throws £200 in notes into the coffin.
Shlomo says, "What cheap-skates you both are. Iím ashamed to know you. I'm going to give him £1,000."
Shlomo then writes out a cheque for £1,400, throws it in and takes the £400 in change out of the coffin.
(#1185) Visit to a hotel
Sadie was a very successful businesswoman and loved all the nice things in life money brought her. One day, she decided that she and her husband Moshe would spend a weekís holiday at the Gelt Plaza, a 6-star hotel in Bournmouth and she decided to drive there in her new top-of-the range Aston Martin saloon.
2 hours later, she was pleased to see the looks of awe on the faces of the staff as she pulled up outside the hotelís front door. Three porters went up to greet her as she stepped out of the car. She immediately said to one of them, in a commanding voice, ďCarry my luggage into the hotel, my good man.Ē Then she said to the two other porters, ďAnd could you two please carry my husband into the hotel.Ē
They were surprised by this request but nevertheless did what was asked, carried Moshe into the lobby and placed him in an armchair by reception.
Then the hotel manager, who had seen all of this, came over to Sadie and said, ďMrs Bloom, welcome to our hotel. Iím sorry to see that your husband is too ill even to walk.Ē
ďWhat do you mean he canít walk?Ē replied Sadie. ďOf course he can walk. But thank God Iím now wealthy enough where my Moshe doesn't have to walk.Ē
(#1186) Jewish saying
If you marry for money, youíll suffer Ė but youíll suffer in comfort!
(#1187) The famous writer
Benny is on holiday in Israel and goes to a concert at the Minkovsky Auditorium. When he gets to his seat, he looks around and is very impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.
After the concert is over, Benny asks one of the officials, "I was wondering whether this magnificent auditorium is named after Dovid Minkovsky, the famous biblical scholar?"
"No," replies the official, "Itís named after Harry Minkovsky, the writer."
"Iíve never heard of him," says Benny, "what did he write?"
"A cheque," replies the official.
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Abe was very fussy with his money and always, regular as clockwork, went through his wife Sadieís chequebook each month to see where their money was going. He always wanted to see everything balance to the exact penny. This month, as in previous months, Sadieís figures are hard to reconcile and tired of having to spend so much time on her inaccuracies, Abe makes her agree to spend some time putting her figures into shape before he devotes any more time on them.
After spending hours poring over her paperwork, Sadie looks up and says, "Well, Abe, you should be proud of me. I've done it Ė Iíve made it balance."
So Abe goes over to take a look. "OK, let's see what youíve done."
On her worksheet he sees a long list of items starting with Mortgage £1,550.00; Electricity £70.50; Gas £150.75; Telephones £350.22; Private Medical Insurance £5,900.50; Kosher butcher £350.99; and ending with ESP £109.01. Puzzled by the last entry, Abe says, "What on earth is ESP, Sadie?"
"Thatís easy," replies Sadie, "It stands for, Error Some Place!"
(#1189) Helping out
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Sidney was never known to help out with any of the household chores, but after a serious argument with his wife Hannah on this subject, he agrees to try to get more involved. The next day, Hannah is shocked - Sidney has decided to wash his favourite sweatshirt!
She watches him put his sweatshirt into the washing machine and then just stand there with a puzzled look on his face. After a few minutes, he turns to Hannah and says, "OK, I give in. So what setting do I use for washing a red, long sleeved, 90% cotton, 10% polyester sweatshirt?"
"It all depends," replies Hannah. "What does it say on your sweatshirt?"
"Yeshiva University," he replies.
(#1190) Jewish Movies you may have missed
[My thanks to Malcolm for the following]
(#1192) The rabbi and the bear
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Rabbi Bloom from London is visiting two friends in America. One is a priest and the other a Pentecostal preacher. As soon as they meet up, they start to talk shop. Their discussion centres on whether preaching to people is really that hard. They quickly agree that a real challenge would be to preach to a bear and they decide to experiment. Each would go into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
A week later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Carroll, who has his arm in a sling and is on crutches, speaks first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods, found a bear and began to read to him from the Baltimore Catechism. Unfortunately, the bear wanted nothing to do with me and begun to slap me about. I quickly grabbed my holy water and, the saints be praised, he became very subdued. My bishop is coming out next week to give him his first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He is in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. "Well, brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle Ė we dunk. I found a bear and began to read to him from God's Holy Word. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. Up and down the hills we wrestled until we come to a creek where I quickly dunked and baptised him. He immediately became very subdued and we spent three days in fellowship, praising God's Holy word."
They both then look down at Rabbi Bloom who is lying in a hospital bed, is wearing a full body cast, is in traction and has IVs and monitors running in and out of his torn body. Rabbi Bloom looks up at his two friends and says, "When I found a bear, I found preaching to him very easy. But Oy Vay, did he get touchy about the circumcision!"
(#1193) Alternating light and darkness
[My thanks to ML for the following]
God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isnít that good?"
The angel says, "Yes, but what will you do now?"
God says, "I think Iíll call it a day."
(#1194) The hoax
Sadie sent the following email to all her women friends.
"Dear All, I hate hoax warnings, but this one is important! Please send this warning to all the women friends in your email address book: -
If a man comes to your front door saying he is conducting a survey and asks you to take off your clothes, donít do it. Itís a scam. He only wants to see you naked.
PS I wish I had got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now.
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